I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I hope expressing your sadness helped and that you’re able to work through some very complex feelings. There is no right or wrong way to move forward - just the way that helps you come to peace inside.
6 Likes
To me, it depends on how the distance was established. I have known parents who moved to be near one of their kids. Parents provided babysitting services, picked up kids from school, ran errands, etc. for that kid. When mom/dad get older and need more help (and the kid’s kids are older/move off to college and need less help), the kid is happy to provide the assistance that mom/dad need given the benefits mom and dad provided said kid earlier.
But sometimes that kid complains that he/she is doing everything to take care of mom/dad when they need more care/support. Effectively its an “I took all the benefit when mom/dad were providing it, but think the responsibility should be shared now that mom/dad are on the other side of the help/need help equation” type situation.
I agree its often complicated.
3 Likes
momofboiler1, I’m glad this worked out as it did for you and I’m sorry for the loss of your son.
Divorce changes this a great deal. My dad is deceased, as is my ex. Both had wives at the time of death who are still alive, lovely people who did a great deal of caretaking. They deserve the money they were left. I don’t expect to receive anything, and my kids had a small portion of their dad’s estate. I know my offspring were to be given money from their grandparents on their dad’s side for their education. Their dad held onto the money and they still have student loans. Had it passed directly to them, no issue.
twoinanddone, it is often a class issue, imho.
1 Like
Make sure any caregiving is done by this brother.
5 Likes
To me, any inheritance is found money…and not an expectation. When my last parent died. The whole house was left to my sibling who lived there and cared for the parents a lot. No expectation that she would take out a mortgage and give the rest of us anything. The car was titled over to one nephew. The other grandchildren got nothing. The house and car were fully paid for.
Did it make me love my dad any less? Absolutely not. These were his things, and his decisions.
14 Likes
Your friend should start demanding payment for all the time she spends caregiving.
3 Likes
Agreed, and it shows how differently people view inheritances. OP says this has nothing to do with money, and I believe her. It seems as if OP sees this as a clear “ranking” in terms of her uncle’s affection for her in comparison with other family members. This may be correct-OR it could also be that he was coming at it from an entirely different point of view that has nothing to do with his affection for her or estimation of her worth in terms of the family at large.
I guess I don’t understand why, given a lifetime of love for her uncle, the OP can’t give him the benefit of the doubt, rather than refusing to consider that she may have misinterpreted his actions.
The OP has only recently felt the pain of this perceived slap in the face. I hope with time, she can remember her uncle fondly and not let this one event become the proverbial tear of the shawl.
11 Likes
I could write a book, but I will not. Our family’s dysfunction is marred by inheritance issues, starting with my uncle and my dad, who were business partners, but must have hated each other. I will never know the truth. My sister and I are now estranged, and have been for about a year or so. I have been getting advice from all quarters, but no one has walked a mile in my shoes, so I honestly do not listen anymore. OP, just protect your heart.
13 Likes
This thread is primarily about those that already know this… not being able to look in the mirror when the father goes uncared for.
Ignoring your own values is too large a price for many, worth a great deal more than 1/2 of a house.
3 Likes
@Iglooo I would just give yourself time. It’s trite but time does heal many wounds. (not all, but many). LOL. I think some folks are asking you to skip the process of thinking about it and putting it in a different place in your mind than when you first heard the news.
It’s easy to be like Cher in Moonstruck and say “Snap out of it” but human emotions take time to process.
4 Likes
(This applies to immediate family issues, rather than OP’s specific issue.) I think sometimes inheritance issues may seem to be a surprise, but would probably be less surprising if everyone in the situation was on the same page when the deceased was alive. My brothers & I have a very honest relationship with each other, and our dad was open & honest with us. He never tried to play us against each other. Settling Dad’s estate was easy. My H’s female cousins were all on board with their brother, who was a momma’s boy, getting a larger inheritance if that was what their mom chose. I don’t know whether or not it was unequal, but they often discussed the fact that their brother deserved extra because he basically devoted his life to his mom.
In H’s immediate family, though, his mom & sister have completely cut him out of the helping picture since his dad died 15 months ago. It started immediately … FIL had prepped H & me to get the financial stuff in place, but his mom told me in no uncertain terms to butt out when I tried. H was grieving, so I had stepped up. I thought fine, i am just the DIL, so I guess I need to step back. But then she made moves to cut my H off from helping. His sister & her H have followed suit, taking over everything including changing the time of H’s dinner reservations (even changed the name on the reservation) & adding guests of her choice to an outing H planned the last time we visited. I am pretty sure based on snarky comments that they would have changed the restaurant, but MIL was excited to go to that particular place. MIL has a big birthday coming up, and H said that we’d be coming to celebrate with them. SIL planned a party at a restaurant with her friends & her son’s fiancée’s family invited … without telling H the plans other than, “We’ll celebrate with Mom on Saturday.” She sent out an e-vite making it abundantly clear that she & her H were the ones throwing the party (but I am sure H will give her $). Oh, and our kids didn’t receive an e-vite, even though she invited cousins who she knew wouldn’t be able to make it, telling them that she didn’t want them to feel left out. It’s not just big stuff - all the little slights keep piling on. So if the inheritance were to change from what we know was equal (because FIL had us meet with the trustee), we would not be surprised. I can assure you, though, that his sister would be. She is oblivious to what she is doing, and because she would not see it even if it was brought up to her, H just lets it be. It is what it is, and I believe he is prepared in case there are surprises in the will. It’s his mom’s money to do with as she wishes. And I should add that it doesn’t mean his mom loves him less than she loves his sister - H knows that. Family is complicated.
I get what Iglooo is saying. It’s not the money. It’s that you thought you had a really good relationship with your uncle but perhaps his feelings were not the same as yours.
It’s the way I felt not being invited to my niece’s wedding. (No aunts/uncles were invited.) But I felt I had a close relationship with her and it turns out, not so close after all. It does change the bond I felt. With time, that may change and the bond be renewed but in the case of your uncle, that repair can never take place.
5 Likes
In the end, I think its helpful to at least consider the choices that you make and how they may be viewed by others impacted by them. Even if you think there are no issues, others may not agree. And thinking, well those others are just wrong likely won’t be helpful.
And that goes for decisions made during your life as well.
2 Likes
There is the whole need v even share. Do you punish your doctor/Big accounting/big law/wall street kid bu giving them less than the single mom kid who triumphed over bad choices by doing ok or not? The real complication is that people could make a valid point why either option was good/fair/right.
I have a black sheep sibling who had an extremely complicated relationship with our parents. That sibling would be very upset if not given an equal portion of the small estate as it would indicate somehow that they were unloved or not worthy.
I think this is what @Igloo is doing, not being bitter, but processing a change in status & that’s ok to take some time to process, to vent here and gather thoughts. Perhaps if there is a cousin conversation, someone may know why the percentages were set up that way. I hear Igloo not wanting to be bitter nor appear bitter, but needing to process the surprise and disappointment before trying a conversation.
I remember when we were prepping a house for estate sale, one sibling basically assumed they had first dibs on anything they wanted, nothing was worth making an issue of, but I have not forgotten the attitude. This was sibling who did less than some, but more than others, also the most sibling with the most money, so it wasn’t a, “poor me” attitude, it was just an entitlement that was strikingly strongly felt and odd. It wasn’t strange to want an item, it was strange to not feel it was worth discussing, but just to assume they had all the rights to anything they wanted.
I guess after seeing and reading so many stories over the years, I have decided I will divide evenly in my will, but if one of my kids is my caretaker & I am pretty sure who that will be, I will find a way to even that out, outside the will- a joint account that goes to them at my death if I need the funds whilst alive, or gifting each year as things unfold and I might even tell that kid it’s no one else’s business as money does do weird things to people’s thinking and I’d prefer the siblings not to find themselves triggered into feeling all these feelings. Having been the main person for parents and in laws, I could see plenty of ways I could address that as things unfolded without it being anyone else’s business.
4 Likes
I wonder if the percentages had more to do with the relationships with the uncles siblings, not his relationship with the nieces. For example, was his relationship with full share niece’s parent very close, but relationship with Igloo’s parent not close? Sometimes sibling have completely different relationships, maybe he rewarded that relationship, as opposed to being fair to the nieces.
And did someone help him write the will? If it was written a year ago, was he of completely sound mind? And was this the first will he wrote, or was it revised for some reason?
I don’t think I would be resentful, but I would be curious. There’s a reason for the inequity, and someone might have an idea of the answer. It would be hard to know everyone’s relationship with the uncle, but perhaps full share niece had been particularly close to him over the years.
3 Likes
Can we please not use the term single mom as if it’s some black mark? I’m a single mom and also a successful professional in one of the fields you listed for comparison and I have many friends similarly situated. Geez!
1 Like
@itsgettingreal21 , I get what you are saying, but I meant it financially, my single parent kid will struggle more financially than if they had a spouse contributing time&money to the household. It’s not a moral judgement, it’s just math. In the same way, I find myself annoyed when reading posts by a blogger about how fast student loans were paid off, in a particular high income profession, and nearly all those amazing cases are married, so one spouse pay the cost to live, the other pays down the loans. My single kid in that profession pays to live in a HCOL area and pays their loans, so no, not making the same progress as if someone was helping. It’s just a financial fact, unless of course your partner/spouse is bad with money/a spender/etc., maybe then you’re better off, financially, alone 
I was trying to think of an example that engenders some sympathy for them being in that position.
2 Likes
I think this is the closest analogy to how the OP is feeling. I can relate to it as I remember being unreasonably hurt when every sibling and close friend visited me at some point during the five years we were in Germany, but my older brother who married the woman I had considered my best friend never did. (They went on a couple of other pricey overseas trips instead.) I knew it was unreasonable to be hurt, but I was hurt.
I suspect that the uncle thought the other relatives were needier, but the OP will never know.
We are leaving things even steven with our kids, except for one vacation property that we know only the younger one is interested in. We did ask the older one if that was okay with him, and he assured us it was. (Younger kid took his girlfriend there in college, older son hasn’t visited since the last time we dragged him there.)
I have a question about this … Are you compensating the older son in some way? He may not want to deal with the property, but if it’s worth a bit of money he may want to be compensated for giving up his claim to it.
I ask because ds2 has made quite clear that he wants some land my family owns, which is fine with me, but it’s worth quite a bit so shouldn’t we compensate ds1 somehow?
3 Likes
If the intent is to give a specific property to one heir and considering it as part of that heir’s share of an equally divided total estate, wouldn’t it be kind of tricky due to fluctuation in the property value between the time a will is written and the time it is executed? Consider what could happen if:
- The property becomes worth more than any one share of an equally divided total estate.
- The property value is difficult to determine due to no recent sales of anything comparable.