<p>I'm having trouble letting go of a few of the schools she probably won't be attending..and I think it is translating through in a negative way to my d. She will probably be going to Berkeley and while I know that is quite prestigious and an awesome school, I still find myself extolling the virtues of UCSB (more marine bio classes, closer to home, easier to get to and from on the train, gorgeous new freshman dorm, walk to the beach, honors program, better balance between academic/social, nicer less urban area, better weather, better surfing..I could, and do, go on and on)
...and I still can't quite get over that she doesn't want to go to USD- I am there often in the law library and everytime I am on that campus I just feel so good..the architecture and serene atmosphere are very soothing, just a beautiful place. They offered her a very generous financial package and honors college invite.
why can't I just shut up and be happy about Berkeley? I'm afraid I'm being a kill-joy...I tell myself I just want to be sure she is "aware" of the intensity at Berkeley and the "better balance" at UCSB...the urban aspects of Berkeley (street people, etc) are a little worrisome too, the housing isn't that great...</p>
<p>It's just hard to give input without overstepping and owning the decision, which I do want to be hers at this point.</p>
<p>Wecandothis, I don't know, maybe your screen name is the problem. :) It's your daughter's turn. She is the one who is going. She has 3 great choices, why don't you let her choose? She must be doing ok so far. She did get into these schools. </p>
<p>Who knows? Your daughter may end up like my wife. 2 years at UCSB and 2 years at UCB. :)</p>
<p>"It's just hard to give input without overstepping and owning the decision, which I do want to be hers at this point."</p>
<p>It sounds as if you're projecting your dislike of the more urban environment of Berkeley. As a UCSB alum, I'd say that's not really a good reason for not choosing a school. Most of what you cite about UCSB, while true, are what I regard as second- or even third-tier factors: Walk to beach? Better surfing? Closer to home? Easier to get to/from on the train? </p>
<p>And USD is, from an academic standpoint, not even in the same league. It seems as if you weight environmental factors very highly. Perhaps your D does not so much.</p>
<p>You are not the one who is going to be going through the next four years at one of these schools. Your daughter picked the school that you say is "intense" academically over schools that you describe as having a "better balance between academic/social," "better weather," "better surfing," and better housing. That looks a little ridiculus to me: the parent is pushing for the fun school while the kid is pushing for the hard school. Your other complaints mostly have to do with the fact that you like the campus and setting of the other schools, that they make you "feel so good" and are "serene" and "soothing." Well, maybe your daughter gets different feelings when she steps on the campuses than you do. Maybe she feels Berkeley's campus is invigorating and inspiring. I'm not at all surprised that she doesn't want to go to the college that you're often at the library of. I'm also not surprised that she wants an urban environment--a lot of students do. The fact that she wants a more academically focused school is something you should be proud of.</p>
<p>It sounds as if your daughter is making a great decision on which college to attend. Frankly, I'm glad she's not picking a college based on most of your reasons. If you truly want the decision to be her's, you need to start supporting her choice. You can fuss about the weather, surfing, and social/academic balance she's missing out on all you want in your own mind, but in the mean time go buy your kid a Berkeley sweatshirt and at least pretend to support her choice. You know you need to keep your mouth shut, so exercise some self-control and do it. Let your daughter make her own decisions, and then try to respect them.</p>
<p>dstark-- seriously, about your wife spending 2 years at each, that is so ironic, because we have actually talked about that alot..ie, go to Cal now as that is harder to get into, and then just transfer to SB if she doesn't like Cal. But sounds like for your wife it was the other way around...</p>
<p>Thedad- thx for the perceptive post...you're right, I do think of environmental factors a lot, but isn't that partly what everyone means when they talk about "fit"? Four years is a long time to be a fish out of water if the fit isn't there. I guess I do intuitively feel possibly a better fit for my d at UCSB, at least based on her past history, but she really wants to rise to the challenge of Cal and I need to support her decision...</p>
<p>any other parents with war stories about a situation like this and how they solved it?</p>
<p>corranged- I did exactly what you said about the sweatshirt! I appreciate your thoughts, and I know what you say is true, intellectually speaking. I just don't want her to burn out...</p>
<p>Paraphrasing short story I just read... "It was the year she and Jamie had found the way to let one another go. A responsiblity she knew was hers alone - to set him free. That he might claim his own life. And she hers."</p>
<p>I had trouble too. One of the schools my son rejected was the school I would have given up a body part to go to. To me, the school he accepted was in the middle of no where, but for him it was in the middle of everything important. </p>
<p>At this point they have all the information. They will plug it into their equation and may come up with a different answer then we do because they weight their variables differently than we do. Perhaps urban setting is a plus but a beautiful setting is not that big a factor for her. Doesn't sound like there was a wrong answer on her list - just different good ones.</p>
<p>mistakes--I've made my share, including transfering twice before finishing my college degree</p>
<p>as parents, guess we tend to want to save our kids from making the same mistakes we made...make different mistakes, please, just not the same ones we made!</p>
<p>thx skiers-mom- and I hope your son is happy with his choice. :)</p>
<p>We all had a little wince about the ones left behind--each for different reasons. He winced about missing the rah-rah atmosphere and the sun at his father's alma mater. I winced at the loss of a high powered media lab department at his brother's school.</p>
<p>I never even visited my school before I arrived for orientation--neither did my H or my older son. We all thrived. We're dandelion types, I guess. </p>
<p>The youngest one is going to have a great time.</p>
<p>I had to give him a shove into GAP year travels and last week he called and said he never wanted to leave. "Why don't I listen to you when you tell me I am going to love it?" </p>
<p>I'm sad to lose each of the schools S is not attending...the one in the amazing college town, the one with the huge football stadium and school spirit you can taste, the affordable state option, the Jesuit one, the Honors college one with the scholarship, and the FREE one! (I think DH is saddest about the free one most of all....<em>grin</em>)</p>
<p>However, S made his decision. He's happy, so we're happy. The whole point of the college search for us was not to have any loser colleges on the list! If he had gotten only one acceptance, he'd have happily gone there...whichever one it was.</p>
<p>wecandothis, if you are worried simply about your daughter's emotional well being --whether a school that is too challenging or intense will somehow crush her spirit -- I've been there. I was glad last year when my daughter opted for Barnard, but I was also worried whether she would succeed there - and I had nagging thoughts that maybe UCSB was a better "fit" for my outgoing, fun-loving, unpretentious kid. </p>
<p>Socially, it probably would have been. At least for the kid who made a big point of wanting to go out and have fun last summer. </p>
<p>But my daughter definitely made the right choice - she is feasting on the intellectual and academic opportunities her chosen school offers -- even though she isn't having nearly as much <em>fun</em> as she did during her high school years. </p>
<p>But then, she was choosing a place to attend school, not a social club. And her chosen school requires a lot of time spent studying, and she has learned that the study time cuts into the party time -- so she works a lot more than she plays. She'll come home this summer and hang out with her high school friends and have a good time - and then go back in the fall and work some more. </p>
<p>I think your daughter will be challenged, just as mine was, and she may grow and change in ways that you aren't quite ready for. I mean, the bottom line is that my daughter started acting a lot more mature in college -- a good part of what I saw as her outgoing, fun-loving personality was the behavior of a teenager and now she is starting to act like a serious, responsible young adult. She's my younger child, so it was hard to let go of the baby when she grew to her teens, and it is hard to let go of the teenager as she transitions to adulthood. Perhaps a teenage lifestyle and attitudes would have been better preserved at a college with great surf. </p>
<p>Anyway: your daughter has made the right choice. She will change, but the changes you see are part of growing up.</p>
<p>This reminds me of looking for a house to buy. This one has a great yard; that one has a fantastic kitchen; the other one has an awesome master bedroom and bath. If we choose one, we don't get the others. By choosing one, we're closing off possibilities. It's hard to give those up. Ultimately, though, they can only go to one school, and we can only buy one house. It's hard, but once the decision is made, you have to go forward and not mourn the possibilities that are now closed off.</p>
<p>DD just let go of my alma mater yesterday [sigh]. Oh well, it makes me happy she considered it a "Miss Congeniality" instead of an also-ran. Her final choice is an excellent one, and is the right one for her.</p>
<p>I'm definitely having trouble letting go of one school that D didn't choose. On paper, it had everything she wanted, and it gave her a fellowship and large merit scholarship, too. Based on the merit aid, we could very comfortably pay for it. For the past year, it was the school I was certain she'd go to if she didn't get into her reach (waitlisted there).</p>
<p>D chose another school. On paper, it has very little that she was looking for. People who know her and the school kept pushing for her to apply there, so she did, just to get them off her back. We visited last week for the first time and she loved it. They gave her some aid as well, but it will be much more difficult for us to fund over 4 years. </p>
<p>There is no question that the school she chose is wonderful and she'll be happy there, and my mind is slowly coming over to that one. But primarily because of the financial piece, I'm having a harder time letting go of the other. My brain and gut work more slowly than hers does; I'm convinced that once all the literature & correspondence is put away, we start shopping, and I see her in her dorm, I'll be fine with it.</p>
<p>I'm having a bit of trouble simply because D had some great choices and no clear favorite! She is turning down a couple that were "slightly preferred" because they were greatly more expensive. So there's a bit of guilt that she has to give up a few things due to money. As I sort through papers and realize that she is giving up this Great Books program, or that trip to China, or this major, or that teacher, or this campus, or that EC.... I wish there were a "create your own" college!</p>
<p>It is helping, though, that she is getting more and more excited about her school. I know that as soon as all the decision cards are mailed, and the deposit is paid, we will be able to go forward completely. </p>
<p>She is my third child, so I have the experience of knowing how hard it was to turn down schools with my first two. One turned down a great scholarship. The other turned down schools that had been actively recruiting him and working on his behalf. It really hurt to say no to these people. But until D started going through this currently, I realized I hadn't given any of the sons' other schools a backward glance after April! So I know it will happen that way again.</p>
<p>For largely selfish reasons I was sorry that my D chose not to attend the schools in Maine that accepted her several years ago because I had wanted to have an excuse to go to Maine a few times a year and enjoy Portland, lighthouses, and lobster, among other things. The schools seemed like good fits at the time and probably were, but so is the school she chose, so I've adjusted to visiting and appreciating a state that had never figured in my recreational plans before.</p>
<p>Like Binx, I am going through this with my third and last child; unlike Binx, my others chose a clear 'no-brainer' or opted for ED.</p>
<p>Each time we do this, H and I wonder 'what if?' we knew then what we know now. If I were the 18 year old with her options, I think my choice would have been different; different than mine was, different than hers is.. </p>
<p>Each of my DD's schools was attractive to her for unique reasons. She feels the one she will attend offers the best mix of the attractive components. It is where she felt the 'fit'.</p>
<p>But yes, wecandothis, I mourn for her 'what ifs'.</p>