<p>In a nutshell, even though I really dislike competition, especially academic competition between classmates, I am the worst when it comes to being competitive. Because for school and most things in life I tend to take everything I take on very personally and equate self-worth with my results. And it always gets ugly because I am probably too competitive. I invariably start to hate whoever it is I think is a threat. It's never a "friendly rivalry" for me, and what started out as a innocuous class turns into a win-or-die situation every single time. And there's no in-between for me. I'm either this way or I couldn't care less about what I am doing. That's always been the case. On the plus side I end up outperforming myself because I feed off of the competition. On the other hand I admit these corrosive feelings have slowly taken over my life and my relationships and my ability to trust others. I have two younger brothers, one of whom have done quite well for himself and landed a great job as a trader having graduated from college last spring. I feel nothing but jealousy to the point that it overrides any other feelings of love or care you should feel towards your own family. I guess what it comes down to isn't competition but my feeling of needing to one-up other people and do better than others to feel good about myself. Wrapped up in all of this, though, is a lot of guilt and shame, obviously. I like to think of myself as a kind, friendly, sympathetic person, but I also can't get rid of this whole other part of me that is 'this way' because it is who I am.</p>
<p>Next fall I plan to transfer into a larger, more prestigious school, where the students are openly competitive and reluctant to help each other out. I'm worried the pressure will eat me up alive. </p>
<p>I know I don't sound like the most likeable person. But any thoughts on how to relax or see things differently, especially from like-minded people, would be much appreciated.</p>
<p>Participate in highly-competitive extracurricular activities to get some of that energy out of you elsewhere. Choose a vocation where your competitive tendencies are a positive (stockbroker? sales rep? quarterback?). Go see a school counselor about negatives associated with it all.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m like that too. In highschool, I didn’t care much about my grades, but even though I made bad ones, I always made sure they were at least five points higher than everyone elses. I can’t think of a fix for it, and I don’t think I want to- keeps my GPA nice and high. If it’s really wrecking your life though, you might want to take beolein’s suggestions.</p>
<p>I used to be viciously competitive and cutthroat. As i grew older it became clear that you gain more by helping those around you than by putting them down. It’s quite counterintuitive.</p>
<p>Case in point: I applied for a few contract programming jobs a while ago with the work already completed and as part of my application. So basically I did it for free and hoped that they would pay me.</p>
<p>Only half did, but they gave me such substantial bonuses that i ended up making more than i would have. More importantly, they became fanatical repeat customers. I still get 6-7 contract offers a month.</p>
<p>When it comes to school, lend a helping hand to those around you. You never know – they might be an ultra-competitive type like you, but if you gain their allegiance you would end up with a study partner who is just as brilliant as you are, easing your time doing homework/studying for tests.</p>
<p>Other counterintuitive gems of advice that have served me well:
-hire people smarter than yourself
-help your subordinates advance in their career
-surround yourself with people more capable than yourself</p>
<p>How about just competing with yourself? Can you try to outdo your last test score, grade on a paper? I think it is bad to tie your self worth to how you stack up against others. If you think about it, wont there always be someone smarter? When will it stop? You’ll wear yourself out. I agree with other posters about being collaborative instead of competitive. Some day these people may help to land a job. How do you want them you remember you?</p>
<p>Going to a more competitive school might help. Having more classmates who are doing as well as you might put you in your place so-to-speak, by humbling you a bit. You will realize that it is okay not to be the absolute best at everything, and this humbling may help you to pinpoint what is important to compete in, and what isn’t (such as working with your class toward a common goal, rather than trying to always be the star). </p>
<p>I agree that counseling may be a good option if most or all of your self-worth is derived from being the best. You should feel good from developing friendships as well as helping people, and if you aren’t able to calm yourself down enough to do this, then you need to work on that. You will quickly isolate yourself (as you seem to be noticing), and life isn’t about being the intimating peer, or co-worker, or boss. Sometimes you need to laugh at your mistakes and accept that others might be better at some things in order to challenge you and help you grow.</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with being lightly competitive. But jealousy, especially of the people you love and who love you, is just unhealthy. While classes may be, life isn’t a zero sum game. It wouldn’t hurt you to be happy for your brother, or to realize that there’s a lot to learn from other people in your classes. Maybe it would help to remember that you’re only the big fish in your current small pond. But across the country and the world, there are many more very bright people standing heads and shoulders above their peers.</p>
<p>Alright, first of all, I don’t think you’re a bad person, and the fact that you even posted this is good. It shows you’re making an effort to be mindful of who you are and what you’re doing, which is more than a lot of people can say.</p>
<p>Being too competitive can be bad if there’s too much ego involved. Your ego is struggling to maintain itself by outperforming others, and the ego not getting what it wants can lead to a lot of pain, and on top of that, you sound like you feel guilty for even having this ego.</p>
<p>But you have to realize that you are NOT your ego… we humans are not just the perception of our minds, we are the awareness surrounding that perception. From the Awareness, we can control our egos.</p>
<p>So what you have to do is really simple actually - accept it. All of it. Accept that your ego is suffering because of struggling to be better than others and accept that you feel guilty for wanting to be the best. Ego… emotions… they’re aspects of the mind, but not aspects of YOU, so just accept that they’re there. Don’t resist any of your feelings in any way. Then you must repeatedly tell yourself that you’re going to let it go… that instead of feeling the need to outperform others and feeling guilty about that, you’ll just do your best, not worrying out the result. It’ll take time, but it WILL work. Sorry this was so long, but I hope I helped!</p>
<p>I think the easiest way to switch it actually doesn’t involve you changing anything except your mindset. What I mean by that is, don’t worry about other people. Just worry about yourself. It’s basically the same thing as what limabeans01 said, about competing with yourself. I’m not that competitive, but I start to feel jealous and irritated if a good chunk of people beat me on an exam or some other graded thing. But instead of hating other people or what not, I just try to work as hard as I need to in order to succeed, and I do that for myself, not to necessarily one-up other people.</p>
<p>Basically, to use the example of an exam, just study as hard as you need to so that you can get a good grade. Remember, if you get good grades, or succeed in something, you don’t even have to bat an eyelid toward other student or other people you’re competing with. But, if you get bad grades, you’ll have to spend the time working that much harder, first to get back to the middle of the pack, then to try to beat everyone else, and that’s where competition and aggressiveness take over. Do what you need to do just for yourself, and not to beat everyone else. Failure loves company and success takes care of itself.</p>
<p>You’re not going to get far in life if you step all over people to get what you want. But many people have already mentioned that working with people and being able to successfully communicate is key here.</p>