<p>Stymied- we have lived/worked at several different boarding schools. Believe it or not, a few of them had “small freshman boy” support groups! They were all put together with the same nurturing advisor, and went on fun trips off campus together. You also want to find a school with strict prohibitions against hazing.</p>
<p>Stymied, </p>
<p>Does his current junior BS continue through 9th grade? I know one of your points was that you wanted him to attend 4 yrs at BS so he wouldn’t have to come into a situation where many kids had already made friends the prior year. It’s a good point, and one of the reasons we sent our son to BS as a 9th grader (although he could have stayed at his current school for one more year).</p>
<pre><code>However, maybe another year might help him mature a little more, and he’d be a year older when he went away. Also, maybe he could board at his current school as a way of transitioning to BS. Would be at a school and around kids that he knows already, so that should help with the social aspect. And he’d be near enough so that he could come home most weekends. (Of course this assumes that the school continues on to ninth grade.)
I’m also someone who went to BS about 30 years ago (Choate) and I do think they’re a little more nurturing now then when we attended. A bigger effort is made to include parents, stay on top of kids, promote tolerance, etc. I think a kid who is small and somewhat immature for his age will fair better in today’s schools than he would in our era.
Also, you might find that without you their to nag him, he starts taking more personal responsibiliy for his homework and becomes more self-motivated. My sense of things is that most of the kids at the top schools are very bright and somewhat competative with one another academically. In a way there almost ends up being peer pressure to work hard and do well. (It would be great if some of our student posters chimed in with whether this impression conforms to their experience). I guess what I’m saying is that you may find that being on his own really helps him to mature and become more self-motivated.
However, I do feel for you and your predicament. As parents it’s very hard for us to roll the dice and hope lady luck is with us when it comes to our children. You don’t want to send him away and then get nightly telephone calls from a son who’s miserable, not fitting in, feeling ostracized and picked on and who is tanking academically because he can’t stay motivated to do the work.
It does seem like your pretty clear eyed and objective about your son (which is more than a some parents who can be totally blind to their children’s foibles). Ultimately I think you have to get as much information as you can, talk things through as a family and then do what you think is best. I hope you find something in this post that’s helpful since I think you guys have a tough decision ahead of you. Good luck.
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That is exactly what I was thinking! Last year, even though I had to prod my daughter (currently at bs) to get off the computer and do her homework, I knew she would be fine once she was at school. There is something about being on your own and doing the “right thing” because it is the right thing to do, not because your mom nagged you to do it. </p>
<p>Regarding your point about the peer pressure to work hard: My youngest daughter and I just watched the Tabor DVD. A boy said the 1st night of school he was frozen with fear after opening up his backpack and realizing he had homework in every subject. His roommate actually started yelling at him, saying: “If you don’t start your homework, you will never make it thru the first night, never make it thru the 1st week and, youre not gonna make it thru the first year. So pick up a book, stop complaining and start working.” </p>
<p>Another point about your son, Stymied–he obviously has pride in his academic success–top of his class and making a point to correct you on his SSAT scores. I would think this would translate to him wanting to do just as well at a boarding school.</p>
<p>I feel like I was probably very similar to the description of your son a few years ago. I felt academically unchallenged, and my parents were often frustrated when I skipped homework assignments that I found uninteresting. I was also very immature for my age, and pretty introverted. I believe that dorm life (at one of his choices) played a major role in helping me break out of my shell and pick up the study skills I’d been missing, and that at least where I went wasn’t purely “sink or swim”. My freshman advisor and my teachers all took active interests in my life both in and out of the classroom and helped to teach me the basic study skills I’d missed out on in middle school. The work was shorter and much more challenging than I was used to as well, which was refreshing and offered some motivation to get the work done (It was less boring).
Right now I’m a sophomore in college and doing fine, and am very happy with my decision to go to bs.</p>
<p>Thank you for all your insightful responses. I think we’ll continue with the current plan to attend his school through 9th (and perhaps even board) and hope he begins to mature. It sounds like boarding school (unlike how I remember it) is an option, which his great.</p>
<p>Several of you have mentioned support for students like him, does anyone have specific insights/experiences with those on his list (Deerfield, Hotchkiss, NMH, St. Paul’s, and Taft)?</p>
<p>Thank you again. You’ve been very welcoming and encouraging.</p>
<p>One thing I would like to add…I think staying at the current school through 9th is a great idea. Then you have more options. He could repeat 9th at a boarding school, OR go as a 10th grader.<br>
There are all the great reasons you already know. But there are a few others. My son is currently at a jr. prep that goes until 9th. Each year a few kids leave after 8th. He stayed. this year has been a chance for him to shine. To be a leader. To really grow and mature and be the “top dog.” He’s having a great year.<br>
As we have been looking at schools for next year, we are looking into 10th grade (our son is pretty physically mature). We have found that most schools add 25-35% of their total class in 10th grade. We have talked with many kids who entered as 10th graders and it was fine socially. But it is nice that we have choices AND he was able to have this 9th grade year to really get ready for high school.</p>
<p>As I read this, I thought I was reading about my son as well. It seems boarding school will work out for your son, especially by delaying a year.</p>
<p>I have same dilemma with my son as you except that he’s not number one in his class. He’s probably in the top 5 for boys and has mostly A’s & A-'s with a couple of B+'s. His overall SSAT was 98, but he did this with have extra time.</p>
<p>That’s the problem, he’s small, quiet, and immature for his grade as well as SLOW. He’s in honors classes, so he’s smart, but it takes him forever to do anything. He has no sense of time or urgency. Getting up in the morning and off to school is a monumental effort everyday. He does not plan. Homework that should take an hour takes him two. He specially hates to write. We have to stay on him all the time to do his work. Compounding the issue is that he needs about 11 hours of sleep each night.</p>
<p>Should we even be considering him for boarding schools? Like stymie’s son, we plan to have him continue through ninth as his current junior boarding school (he’s a day student) and then repeat ninth in boarding school.</p>
<p>He has a similar list to stymie’s son, so could someone that needs lots of sleep and is very slow succeed at a top school? This is, of course, in addition to being shy and immature.</p>
<p>“We have visited all 19 boarding schools that offer Chinese”</p>
<p>It sounds to me like you’ve visited a lot of boarding schools with your son stymied, but I have two questions that come to be mainly out of curiosity, which are 1.) Are there really only 19 boarding schools that offer Chinese? and 2.) Have you visited Mercersburg Academy, in Pennsylvania? </p>
<p>Mercersburg does offer Chinese to the AP Level, and although the student population is a little below 500 students (approx. 450). The surrounding area in Southern PA is certainly bucolic, but since it seems you’re in New England I don’t know if you have concerns about the distance from there.</p>
<p>Tokyo- Yes, there are only 19 boarding schools in New England that offer Mandarin. In addition, not all programs are equal. Some, for example, offer only one course, others only go to Chinese IV (no AP). Several schools expect to add it, but my son will be further along. (When the language is introduced, most schools start with Chinese I and then add II the next year.)</p>
<p>Our preference is for him to stay in New England. I don’t think location is the primary issue, however. Whether he’s mature enough to board is the real question.</p>
<p>If you’re wondering if he’s mature enough to board then, if the answer is “no,” location is an issue (because he’ll need to remain at home) and if the answer it “yes,” then location is an issue (because you are well advised to find a BS within, say, 2-3 hours of your home). Either way you slice it: location is a material issue for you.</p>
<p>The difference between having your child being able to connect with you only on, say, parents weekend and extended breaks…and having your child being able to touch base with you every few weekends is a huge difference. If it’s an “iffy” proposition about his maturity – and I’m not just referring to homesickness, though that’s in play here as well – then even if he is capable of getting by with his maturity, you’re still going to need to play a big role in counseling him, recentering him every so often, coaching him, coaxing him and motivating him using the techniques, incentives and words that are time-tested and based on an intimate knowledge of what makes him tick that even the most amazing school counseling center can’t possibly get up to speed with. </p>
<p>(Were you able to track my logic during that phenomenally long sentence? The gist is that he’ll still need to mature and you’re going to need to play a role as he moves along that continuum. And that, in turn, means you’ll need to be geographically available.)</p>
<p>Location is an issue; stick to schools within a driving distance that you’re able to cover – round trip – to bring him home or visit with him at school on numerous weekends. Parents who don’t deal with maturity issues are favoring “driving distance” schools more and more. You’ve got good reason to be available as a resource to your son, so don’t bother with schools where you have to sacrifice that. No school can be that awesome.</p>
<p>Dyer - I not only followed your post, I agree with it. Perhaps I should have clarified my response to Tokyo better stating the PRIMARY issue is whether or not he’s ready to board. Assuming he is “ready” (crossing our fingers), then proximity does become an issue (and we prefer to be more accessible, especially early on).</p>
<p>I’m still not past the first question though. Hopefully, conversations with the schools and his personal development over the next 18 months will get us to the second issue (but still in NE).</p>
<p>Nextstep, it sounds like your son is very smart, but a slow processer. Unfortunately, I don’t have much experience there. My son’s more of a dawdler.</p>
<p>Slow, disorganized, difficulty especially in writing but bright says ADD to me. My son was diagnosed in fifth grade and it changed our lives. No more arguments about work. Ever!</p>
<p>Amazingly enough, he graduated from HS as the top English student of his grade and a scholarship for being the Renaissance man with the most varied EC’s. </p>
<p>BTW: S is/was small and quiet. He is a frosh at Williams running an A- to A in every class so far and has made wonderful friends. He is doing extremely well and getting all his work done on time!</p>
<p>stymied: I laughed after I read your post and called my wife over, she laughed too after reading it: are you talking about your son or ours (of one year ago)? My son is an 8th grader in a private school, will be 14 in April, very bright, 98%SSAT cold, takes Chinese lesson every week, …, the only difference is that mine is about 70% in size. We used to have all the problems/worries with him like you do with your son. Now we are very optimistic to his progress, because the magic word his principal suggested us:</p>
<p>Boy Scout!</p>
<p>We sent him in Boy Scout about one year ago. Since then he has drastically changed, he no longer needs us constantly on him any more. I wouldn’t say he is now mature but for sure we are very pleased to see his improvements in almost every aspect. As parents we spent a lot time with Boy Scout and we learned and enjoyed a lot too.</p>
<p>I don’t think it matters how smart a kid is. If he’s not mature enough for boarding school, he shouldn’t go. Wait a year or two and maybe he’ll be ready then.</p>
<p>However, if you want to, er, “grow him up” and you think it’s about time he become more mature then maybe this is a godd opportunity for him as it forces him to be mature and grow up.</p>