Is college debt worth the relief from strict parents?

Parents Forum
1

Hello all,

In a few weeks I have to decide what to do for college and I’ve seriously been at a crossroads. I have very conservative and traditional African parents and as a result, they oftentimes don’t understand my mindset and we have differing opinions on a lot of things. My parents grew up primarily focusing on school (going, coming, not really going outside aside from that). As a result, I feel like they’re trying to impose what they know on me when it’s not truly who am I and what I want to do.

I wouldn’t say that I’m an extrovert but I enjoy being outside and just going out and experiencing things so much but they make it infinitely difficult to do so (I’m a grown, 6 foot tall male). Every time I ask to go outside I get met with either a ‘no’ or firm resistance. Lately they’ve been more lenient but it’s only because my grandparents have come over from Ghana and my parents are unfocused. A few weeks ago they wouldn’t even let me go to my friend of 4 years birthday, 10 minutes away, because they claimed ‘I was going out too much’. Ultimately I did convince them to go but keep in mind I’m only allowed to go out on Saturday or Sunday, I have to choose one or the other most of the times.

I talked to my mom about the birthday issue and her response was that she "Doesn’t feel comfortable with me going to to the birthday party of my friend that I’ve known for four years.

I also asked my mom why she feels I go out too much a few days ago and her response was, “You’re only supposed to go out once, or maybe even twice a month. Anything else is too much.”

I get that I’m only 17 but it really sucks to just not be able to go out and to be able to meet people and just experience new things. I feel like I’m stuck in a cage and every week I long for the weekend because that’s truly my only opportunity to go out and just go to movies or hang out at my friends house. They even have the location tracking app on my phone so they do know where I’m at all time and can see that I go and do what I say I’m going out to do. I’ve talked to them multiple times about this and every time I get the same answer, “As long as you’re under my health insurance (26 years old), we’ll be in control of you”. I really do love my parents but it hurts me deeply to be trapped like this. It really stinks to see my friends going out and having fun while I’m stuck at home, in my room doing nothing.

I truly do want to go out and make the most of my time in college. I don’t want to stay inside and I want to go out every day and make the most of the resources the city has to offer (along with maintaining my grades and studies) I’m dead set on majoring Computer Science and in college I want to make connections, and make the most of all the resources that I would be provided with in Boston. I currently live in New Jersey right outside of NYC.

If I went to the nearby college I’d commute and graduate with only 12k in debt but if I went to the out of state one I’ll have 60k-70k in debt if I’m proactive in handling it while I’m in school. They’re trying to entice me by saying they’ll get me car but I know that especially with them, this will not equate to more freedom. I want to be financially smart but I know I will end up miserable and resent myself for not getting away from my parents. I really don’t know what to do. My sister is currently committing to a college only 15 minutes away. She’s 20 now and my parents still go crazy if she comes home late (like past 10) or gets a ride from one of her friends that they don’t know. She doesn’t hang out with her friends, goes to school, comes home, eats, sleeps and repeats daily. She actually admitted she was miserable a few months ago but is doing better since she got a job. I truly do not want this for myself. I know that college is what you make of it and I want to make the most of my time there both socially and career wise without chains on my back. I just want to go out and not feel anxiety or come home and feel guilt later on for not listening to the wishes of my parents.

Would it be dumb of me to go to college and graduate 60k-70k in debt (in computer science) just for this freedom? I feel like both the growth and understanding of who I truly am without the parent induced anxiety that I’m dealing with could possibly be worth this debt.

Note: By going out I mean hanging out with friends, or just going somewhere for the sake of it (friends houses, hiking trails, meeting new people, making connections, etc) I don’t party, that stuff’s just not for me.

2

TLDR, but you can’t borrow 60K, you can borrow direct loans only. How are planning on paying?

3

@Sybylla parent plus loans are what we’d have to go with. In regards to the college process itself, they say it’s ‘up to me as to what I want to do’ and that at the end of the day I’ll be the one paying it/them back.

4

Your very strict parents are allowing you this option? They know, right, these loans are theirs, not yours.

5

@Sybylla yes, I understand this. For both me and my brother they allowed us more liberty with the college application process than practically anything else. The reason for this? I honestly have no idea.

6

That’s tough. Your sister lives at home, right? Sounds like she has at least a little more freedom… would they consider allowing you more privileges when you’re in school too? Can your friends come to your house to hang out and/or meet your parents?

I don’t know what to tell you, honestly. Which schools are you comparing? Do you like both? Are they similar in quality, or is the more expensive one “better”? An additional 48k in debt is a lot, but then again people have certainly done it. Could you supplement the money with a job/internship?

Are your parents OK with either school? It sounds like they might not like you going out of state. Could you compromise with them? After all, if you’re living at home, even if you go out more, it’s still easier for them to keep track of you than if your completely out of their control – maybe you can convince them that way?

Good luck…that’s a difficult situation. I wouldn’t blame you for taking the extra debt, but you’re right, it’s not the smartest financially.

7

Did you apply to anywhere else that would be more affordable but would get you further from your parents? Is there another in-state college/university that would be far enough away that you had to live on campus?

8

Go to a school that’s affordable.

9

Are you a senior deciding between acceptances or are you still a junior who has not yet applied yet?

10

I say go away to college. It is time for you to have a bit more freedom. I came from such family. My parents were very strict with us growing up. I ultimately rebelled (doing stuff I wasn’t supposed to do) and was kicked out of the house by my father. I eventually moved back home, but they did reset their rules.
If you are a good student and plan on going to STEM you should be able to handle 60K loans. You will be working over the summer and you can also work part time during school. My son-in-law graduated with 60K in loans. As an engineer, he was able to pay it back in few years.
This is the time for you to grow, to learn how to be independent and possibly make some mistakes. Going to college is more than just academic, it is to learn some life experience and it doesn’t seem like you would be getting it while living at home.
You are lucky that your parents would allow you to go away, so be grateful.

11

Go away to college in NJ, you get in state tuition rates and get to live away from home. The cost without merit and FA is about $30,000 a year for public, out of state is more. You need to check out the COA calculators to get an idea of how much each college will cost you.

12

It sounds like you want to be given more independence and you want green pastures and Boston sounds cool (trying to sell that Boston has better ‘connection’ potential than NYC just really won’t fly).

You are eligible to stay on your parents insurance until you are 26, but you are not required to. If financial independence marks the difference, then step up. Get a job and start saving.

Figure out what it would cost to support yourself through college (start with the instate option). You can borrow up to ~$20K for college; so figure out the costs to see how far that will go: how much can you earn over the summer, how much during term, what it would cost to share an apartment w/2-3 other students, etc. Include the student health insurance plan, food, transportation, etc. Do the math and see if it is any way realistic.

If it is, then also do the math for a school that you would really like for itself- not just b/c it’s away from home, not just b/c the place sounds like more fun- and that you have a strong chance of getting into. Write up the results in a side-by-side comparison.

Then: sit down with your parents. Start by expressing your appreciation for all that they have done to get you to this stage of life. Let them know that you understand their reasonable concerns about your safety, especially as a dark-skinned young man.* Express respect for the cultural differences between the world that they were raised in and the one that you are growing up in.

And then lay out the options. Demonstrate that you are approaching this conversation not as a child who is put out about not getting to play with their friends, but as a young man thinking in a considered and mature way about his life as he becomes a legal adult. Lay out the options, the pros and cons. Do NOT threaten or suggest ‘if you don’t let me do what I want I will run away from home and I can do it’. Assume that this is the first of a series of conversations.

Whether supporting yourself through college is realistic or not, talk to your parents about their hopes and fears for you. Listen (for real- people can tell when you are just listening enough to gather material to contradict them). Show respect for their answers, and ask thoughtful follow up questions. When it makes sense, ask them respectfully to be specific or for examples. Ask them to talk about their own journey into adulthood, and follow up with questions about what they think of that now (many times parents try to replicate their own experience without re-examining it, or thinking about it with the benefit of hindsight). Again, this should be a series of conversations, undertaken when things are otherwise calm.

*(assumption, based on your Ghanaian family)