<p>Hi guys. New member here. As of the past few months, I've seriously been considering my sexuality, and I'm fairly confident that I'm gay.</p>
<p>I don't believe I have the means to move away for college - not so much financially, but experience wise. I can't drive. Because I can't drive (partially because I'm terrified of cars, partially because we own no spare car), I think moving out for college would be quite difficult. I'm absolutely terrified of debt, so if I leave home for school, I'll probably attend a cheap state school to save money. Even then though, I still don't know how the cost of living in an apartment will affect me. I don't have a lot of work experience, and I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to money. I get afraid that moving away for college would be too big of a shock to handle. </p>
<p>On the surface, it would seem that I should stay at home for now, but I honestly don't think I can. There's * a lot * of turmoil and dysfunction in my family. I read all these stories online of lgbt people who moved out of the house to go to college, and they say it improves your life and confidence dramatically. I would never consider mentioning any of this to my parents as of now, because I know how they feel about gay people. They aren't religious, but it does freak them out. Living under the same roof as them with them having any knowledge of my situation would be extremely uncomfortable. </p>
<p>Anyways, does anyone have any personal experiences to share? I suddenly feel like the decision about where I go to college is absolutely crucial in my future happiness. </p>
<p>Hey! There’s absolutely nothing wrong about being gay. It’s natural and it doesn’t make you any less human. As for college, I would recommend attending your state school because 1) you mentioned it’s cheaper and 2) state schools tend to be large schools so you’ll encounter a more diverse group of people.</p>
<p>If you want anyone to talk to feel free to message me :)>- </p>
<p>Not dating in HS doesn’t mean you are gay, I didn’t date in HS and by 19 was very sure I was straight (yet at 18, in my first relationship, I wondered a bit when dating a guy, but it turned out to definitely be him not all males that I didn’t like). But figuring out whether you are LGBTQ or not is easier if you are living on your own without worrying about parents like yours, and living on campus at college might help that. Agree that larger schools would be more welcoming, but do your research and look up student organizations. Even if you aren’t sure if you are settled (some people are bi you know), getting involved with campus LGBTQ groups might help you figure things out.</p>
<p>I don’t understand the part about an apartment - would you not live on campus when in college? Some schools require it. Maybe you need to talk to your GC specifically about driving (how to best start the process) and going to college away from home (which schools require students to live on campus).</p>
<p>This “outcast” (me) who never dated in HS has been in a relationship for over 25 years. I feel that if he was a girl and not a guy, we’d probably have ended up together anyway. It’s him, not his machinery, that counts. IMHO and YMMV etc.</p>
<p>If the sexuality issue was your only issue, I would not recommend seeking out counseling, but it sounds like your parents are putting quite a burden on you in other ways. Perhaps there is a social worker or counselor you could seek out to talk about your parents’ negative effect on your life, with or without noting sexuality considerations.</p>
<p>PS - if you aren’t dating a girl, why do your parents have to know if you are gay or not? And even if you were dating a girl, why would you tell them unless you were really serious? I was living with someone, and never told my parents, they just found out eventually, months after he moved in.</p>
<p>So how would you get to college if you do attend the one near home, since you don’t drive? Even Community College is challenging if you don’t drive… Is there public transportation? </p>
<p>To me it feels like (assuming you are a senior) that you need a year or two more to strategize and be ready to execute a plan to move out. Apply to the college or CC near your house, but discuss with your dad that you would like to plan to transfer after doing your basic general ed requirements to a college where you can live on campus. See what he says about that, and what might be affordable.</p>
<p>Then move on to execute your plan. #1 - ask your dad to please teach you to drive. Find out what is needed in your state – in our state, you start by taking a classroom course of about 40 hours. Then you have a series of behind the wheel lessons. You take a written test, then get a permit you drive with for a certain number of hours with an adult. Then you take a driving test and get your license. So there are a bunch of steps. Find out what those steps are and start working on them. You won’t be sorry in the long run, being able to drive is a very, very useful skill.</p>
<p>Second, if I were you I would find a part time job. One you can walk to or take transit to if you need to. Get some work experience, a little money in your pocket, and gain some confidence.</p>
<p>Third, work on good grades in your first year at the college or CC so you have a better chance of transferring successfully. See if there are any LGBT groups on campus you could check out, too.</p>
<p>Of course if you can get your dad to pay for a 4 year state school right off the bat away from home, that may be a better path (but I still think you should learn to drive and get a part time job now). But this is an alternative if that isn’t going to work out.</p>
<p>I know you are really challenged by living at home now, but if you take steps toward your independence, in the long run you can live an authentic life away from the constraints you feel now.</p>
<p>Are you a senior? What’s your financial situation for college? Almost every university has a gay student association nowadays. (By using the word "nowadays you know I’m old.) I would eliminate fundamentalist Christian schools though. </p>
<p>You don’t need to drive to attend most four year schools and live on campus. When you research schools you can determine whether they have a transit system available to you. You ought to be thinking about what you want to major in and do for a living. Don’t reject a large in state university. It is probably the most affordable option for you other than community college. FWIW the community college close to me has a huge LGBT group. It sounds like it might be good to live away from your parents if you can though. How can your dad not believe in lesbians? Does he have them confused with the tooth fairy? I’d probably not tell your parents until you are living on your own and no longer need help affording college. </p>
<p>I’m intrigued about why you don’t drive. Are your parents against it or are you phobic? My big sister would not drive until she got divorced in her 40’s. My dad even offered to give her a car when she graduated college. </p>
<p>I hope you can get some help for your depression and take action on applying to some colleges as soon as possible if you are graduating this spring. With the internet you really don’t need to visit the campuses until you are accepted. </p>
<p>If you can give some stats, GPA, test scores and EC’s as well as what state you live in, the many experts on here can weigh in with some great school choices. </p>
<p>I hate to see a kid sad and in pain and I hope you find something to look forward to soon. There are a bunch of “it gets better” videos on YouTube. Watch them. Good luck!!</p>
<p>I don’t think I’d live on campus, because I feel like it would be too expensive. I’ve heard that community houses can be a lot cheaper, so I’d probably find an arrangement like that. I know I have to talk to my guidance counselor, but I’m worried it’s a little too late since I’m a senior.</p>
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<p>I know I probably should. As for the girlfriend, I don’t think that’s something I would want to hide. If things were serious, I would want to share. I just wouldn’t want to be in the house to see their reactions up close and personal on a daily basis. </p>
<p>I would like to start driving soon. I’ll try to talk to my dad later about that. I would take an extra year or two, but I feel kind of bad about myself. I just don’t have a lot of ‘technical skills.’ I guess I’d feel like a bit of a loser if I had to take more time. I know I shouldn’t think that way though, and I should just focus on myself. I suppose I feel like I’m in this huge rut as of now - in regards to everything - , and maybe moving out could kickstart some positive changes. </p>
<p>I am a senior in high school. I don’t know about my financial situation. I’ve told them I want to sit down and go over finances, but they never get around to it.</p>
<p>As for my dad? No clue. His viewpoints don’t come from being uneducated or religious. Just a different time I guess. I know he’s not a bad person though. He just hasn’t been exposed, so I can’t blame him. </p>
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<p>Thanks Osprey. It’s a whole mix of reasons to be honest. I feel like my dad enabled me a bit because he gives me rides. Learning how to drive always seemed like something I’d do later, but later never came. Eventually it became a bit of fear also. At this point, everything has just snowballed, and actually learning how to drive seems like such an insurmountable task.</p>
<p>You still have to take Driver’s Ed, even in California, I think. You don’t just go start driving… look into Driver’s Ed classes in your community. Of course it was scary if that is how you went about it.</p>
<p>You should ask your parents to help you run the net price calculators for CSUs. See if they can do it tomorrow, it is the weekend. Since you can’t seem to get a straight answer on finances, this might help jump start that conversation by showing them how much the different options would cost you.</p>
<p>I don’t know all the ins and outs of applying to colleges in California, others could help more than I could. But you have to do things like calculate your GPA via a special tool (you may already know all this). Also, there are some variations on transferring from CCs, but that might just be to the UCs. Impacted majors get talked about, too… Again, I am not a California resident, so don’t know much, but I do know there is extra stuff to consider that some states don’t have.</p>
<p>Also, I feel like your timefame is short if you want to apply this year, apps are only accepted until something like Nov. 30 maybe?</p>
<p>You might be best off making a plan to attend a community college, but start exploring your four year options now so you can do the preparation you need to successfully transfer and move your life forward.</p>
<p>You really need a plan. Go to CSS Profile and ask your parents to fill it out. Tell them it is required for some of the schools you are considering.</p>
<p>There is also a FAFSA simulator that you can run- someone reading this probably knows exactly where to get it.</p>
<p>If you are an amazing student, you can go to amazing schools for free- seven sisters, or some LACs. No matter what kind of student, there is a place for you. What are your particulars? You know, what people post in the “Chance Me” threads.</p>
<p>UC (& CSU) applications are due by the end of the month. They are tedious, but not difficult, kind of like stuffing information into a job application; and then require two personal statements adding up to ~ 1,000 words between the two of them + a small area to explain special circumstances (i.e. family dysfunction and turmoil). The UC GPA is probably already calculated on your transcript, and it automatically calculates when you populate the application. I would guess that each of the UCs is very welcoming- certainly I know Berkeley, LA, and SD are proactively welcoming. I believe the CSUs are also very welcoming. Regarding driving, you do not need (or want) a vehicle if you go to CSU or UC.</p>
<p>So here is what we need THIS WEEKEND if you want REAL help:</p>
<p>1) Fill out a “Chance Me” template for your new friends here to advise from, You will also need a detailed version of it to fill in your UC & CSU applications anyway, so keep it.
2) Tell us what major(s) you would be interested in.
3) Have your parents start to fill out the CSS Profile
4) Have them fill out (THIS WEEKEND) a simulated FAFSA. If they don’t know a number DON"T take time to look it up, just put in a best guess and move along. Tell us the EFC that reports out of that.</p>
<p>There are Lots of Gay friendly colleges (that are welcoming no matter what orientation you are or become- even straight). You need to move on this. I am sensing you have inherited the “procrastinator gene”. This needs to be wrapped up quickly, and you have some decisions to make. You have huge opportunities- you need to identify them and choose among them.</p>
<p>So, do yourself a favor and seize this momentum. You have made tremendous progress here in just a couple of hours. You have an experienced, wise, amazing team behind you now. Use them while you have their attention! Will you commit to it?</p>
<p>The problem is, if your parents are really hostile to gay people, they can veto your college attendance (by refusing to contribute money and refusing to cooperate on financial aid forms) out of spite if you are gay and they find out, due to the way financial aid works. If you have high stats, you may want to look into full ride merit scholarships where you would not need your parents’ money or cooperation on financial aid forms to attend.</p>
<p>This looks like another reason to look for full ride merit scholarships that do not require parental money or cooperation on financial aid forms.</p>
<p>College gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself. At home/in high school, I was (mostly) straight, sucked at math, and definitely going to major in the humanities. Now that I’m in college, I’m able to say that I’m undeniably pansexual, and that I’m on my way to becoming a mechanical engineer. I’m sorry that life has been such a struggle for you lately, but I genuinely hope that it gets better.</p>
<p>Oops- I got a little carried away there in post #10. If you are an amazing student, you will find you can afford to go to an amazing school as easily as a not-so-amazing one. There are merit scholarships out there, and good need-based aid as well. You can go to some schools for free if you meet the criteria- but probably not the Seven Sisters, etc.</p>
<p>Anyway, the point is not to be limited by the sticker prices of schools- investigate a bit, and see what the real cost will be. The window of opportunity is best in the next few weeks ahead, and then it limits down.</p>
<p>Two issues that I think are more pressing than figuring out your sexual orientation are your dependency on your parents and some family dysfunction. Most students your age are financially dependent on their families in order to attend college, and families vary in how much they allow their children to be autonomous. However, a goal of attending college is to become financially independent. Once you are independent and living on your own, you will have much more freedom to make your own choices. </p>
<p>As much as you wish to “come out” sooner to your friends and family, it may be better to wait until you are in a safer position to do so. As much as college students feel ready to have relationships, in the grand scheme of things, you have the rest of your life to do this. </p>
<p>I know of one young lady who grew up in a very small town. Shortly after as she graduated college, she moved to a larger city, and then came out to family and friends. I had no idea of her sexual orientation before that. She grew up with some family dysfunction, and in college, she had some counseling about how to deal with them while still maintaining a relationship with them. She did care about her family, but knew she had to become financially independent before asserting who she was. </p>
<p>Regardless of your sexual orientation, you are similar to all students your age who are taking steps to becoming independent. You also have some family dysfunction to deal with emotionally, and that can affect people’s relationships with men and women. College is an opportunity to follow a path to employment, meet people, and also make use of the college counseling center to deal with any emotional family issues with the goal of having a caring relationship with your family, but eventually as an adult. By doing this, I think the relationships will follow.</p>
<p>About the driving - you need to take a classroom course to learn the rules, if you didn’t take it in school. My son’s school offers the classroom and the testing for the state driver’s license, but does not offer behind the wheel lessons. We paid to have him go to 6 hours of driving lessons, two hours at a time. Our state is completely inconsistent - some schools offer no classroom or behind the wheel, others offer both, and some are like our HS. (and he hit our garbage cans yesterday and popped a small panel off my spouse’s car - after months of driving. He doesn’t have his license yet though he is old enough, and in our town, more than half the kids I know have not gotten their licenses yet though over 17.)</p>
<p>Once the classroom part is done, you can sign up on your own for lessons if you are 18. Maybe a friend can take you to the lessons. It is a few hundred dollars where we are, so if money is an issue, maybe looking into getting a job might be a good idea.</p>
<p>About housing - yes, it can be cheaper to live off-campus, but many colleges require you to live on-campus freshman year. And you have to do some work to find out which locations are safest to live off-campus. It’s not that easy.</p>
<p>So, to back up what others said:
get your applications together, do the Common Application essay if any of the colleges you are targeting takes the Common App
run NPCs for the colleges you are interested in. Or have your parents run them. No matter what, driving, coming out, whatever, if you want to go to college, money is going to be an issue.
worry about deciding when to come out later, as long as you aren’t in a serious relationship right now. How about getting into college, if that’s what you want to do, making sure to be on the lookout for LGBTQ friendly campuses, just like checking off other important factors like location, programs offered, etc.</p>
<p>You could save money living at home and going to college, but you would be forced to have your dad drive you to school or take public transportation. You might be able to estimate the costs of that, but it is hard to calculate the cost of not being on campus when not in class. Some people who do do this will stay on campus between 9 am and 5 pm so they at least can share in some of the social activities. But living on campus is ideal in my opinion (let alone because of the tension at home), and running the net price calculators (NPCs) will clue you in about costs.</p>
<p>Most colleges don’t even let you bring a car to school if you are a freshman…so other than getting there and back every so often you don’t need a car. There will be other kids going back your way or you may able to fly or take a bus.
When we looked at colleges for my older DD, I always figured out how my DD could get back home. There was always a bus or something.</p>
<p>Coming out in college may be a good time as it is all new people and a fine time to re-invent your public persona.</p>
<p>I think you’re biggest problem here is needing to get an idea of where you can go to college and applying to colleges before the due dates. Talk to your parents about where you can afford to go and where they will let you go. Keep pressing until they give you an answer. Don’t just bring up the idea and then let it fizzle into nothing. You need to know what their level of support will be before you can come up with other options. Will they be able to help you pay for a school either nearby or further away? Will they help you move to a school further away? If you go to a school nearby, will you have to commute or can you live on campus? If you have to commute, is there public transportation you can take? You say that you’re father is guilting you into staying, but would be actually stop you from going to a college further away? He may want you to stay close to home (and is passive aggressively showing you that), but that doesn’t mean he will stop you from going to another college. You have to get an answer to that question to help you start coming up with a plan.</p>
<p>Also, I don’t see any of your reasons for why you aren’t ready to go away to college as real barriers to going away to college.</p>
<p>Not having a license is not quite as big of a deal as you (and others) are making it out to be. It makes things harder, sure, but just because you have a license doesn’t mean you have a car (or the money to buy a car and pay for its upkeep). I didn’t have a license when I went away to college, and I did just fine. I went far away from home for college, and I was much more mobile in college than I was at home because there was a better bus/shuttle system near my college than there was in my hometown. I knew other students who didn’t have a license. I also knew many students who didn’t have a car or access to a car in college, making whether they had a license or not a fairly moot point. Some schools don’t allow freshmen to even bring cars and others discourage bringing cars at all because parking is a nightmare. I also know students who have a license but don’t drive because they don’t feel comfortable driving. Many students make due without a license or without a car. Besides dealing with disparaging comments from other people, it’s really not that big of a deal, at least in the short term. Of course, it’s helpful to have a license and it’s even better to have a car, but it’s not always necessary. And I certainly wouldn’t recommend you refrain from going away to college because you don’t have a license.</p>
<p>The biggest problem here is moving to college (if your parents won’t help you with that) and commuting in an area without good public transportation. Would you’re parents help you move away to college or would you be expected to figure it out on your own? Is the area you live in now one that commuting without a license to a community college or local university a feasible plan? If it’s not, then you’re going to need to talk to your parents about that, if they are assuming you are going to live at home and commute.</p>
<p>Money is something you learn about, not something you are born knowing about. Many students first start learning about money in college, and many don’t really know anything about it until afterwards. It’s good that you’re away of the issue now, and now is as good a time as any to learn about it. Run the numbers to see what living in an off campus apartment (including utilities, food, etc) would cost compared to living on campus. Make sure you look into transportation in the area and you consider things like, having to shop for groceries and the extra time and toll on your social life that can come from living off campus. To be honest, I would recommend you live on campus, if you can afford to do so. There’s much more support on campus than there is living off campus, and if you’re worried about your ability to go away to college, then having that extra support will be extremely helpful. It will also give you some time to find roommates to live off campus with in a future year and to figure out where the best places to live are.</p>
<p>There are also many students who go to college without any work experience. It’s often easier to get a job as a college student than as a high school student.</p>
<p>To be honest, I think going away to college would be very good for you in terms of growth and becoming more confident in your abilities. The biggest barrier is whether or not your parents will help you financially and/or logistically in going away to college. You need to figure that out now.</p>
<p>As far as your actual question of coming out during college, yes, it’s a lot easier. When you move away from home, no one knows (or cares) who you are. You can be anyone you want to be. You can change if you want to, or you can not. It’s harder to change when you’re at home because everyone has preconceived notions of who you are. No one cares in colleges, provided you go to a more liberal school. I’d also recommend larger schools, as well, but you already seem to be planning on going to a state school, which would be fine.</p>
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<p>If you’re over 18 (in California), you do not need to take Driver’s Ed, nor do you need any behind the wheel experience with an instructor. Obviously, you should have some practice to pass the behind the wheel test, and you need to be able to pass the written test, but you don’t need any formal education to do it. You don’t even need to practice with a parent. You could practice with a friend who’s over 18. You can literally just take the written test and then take the behind-the-wheel test. I don’t even think there’s a minimum amount of time you need to have your permit before you can take the behind-the-wheel test, as long as you’re over 18.</p>