Is it fine for a college to place an undergrad with a parent w/child in a dorm?

Parents Forum
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<p>I get that she doesn’t want to live with the preschooler, and I agree that she shouldn’t have to. I still think that referring to a child as “the consequence of someone’s life decisions” is obnoxious and judgemental.</p>

<p>As far as talking to the R.A., she says she contacted the director of her hall, Crisman, </p>

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<p>We also know that she didn’t think she should have to have that conversation or compromise because she said as much. We can also conclude that the resident director did look into the situation and explore solutions, based on the fact that the roommate was moved the same day of the article. I do think that the Director’s request that she try talking to her roommate, while giving them time to look into the situation was reasonable, and didn’t warrant a hysterical letter to the media.</p>

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<p>Just to clarify, the policy is 6 nights/month, no more than 3 consecutive nights (you can check to NYU website under student housing, the policies are posted). This is very strictly enforced. </p>

<p>Also, all NYU student housing above freshman level is apartment style. (just FYI).</p>

<p>As for NYU “allowing” this , I am guessing that if the student with the child applied for regular student housing, how is it the schools fault? I admit that I wouldn’t be thrilled about it if I were the roommate, but as others have pointed out is it any worse than some of the other “guests” brought in by roommates?</p>

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<p>The Director’s response was out of line. I do not blame the girl for going public. I do not see her letter as hysterical. This “work it out and compromise” is why so many kids have problems. Let the Director provide free babysitting, etc, or come up with better rules, and enforce them.</p>

<p>Having a child at a young age/and or out of wedlock (dont know if this is the case, but assume the former is) is a decision, one I don’t want my DD making.</p>

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<p>There is a big difference between having adult guests and having a 4 year old guest. </p>

<p>If you ask an adult guest to be quiet because you need to study, most will. A child may try but really when they are hyped up they are going to be noisy. That’s just being a child.</p>

<p>If you ask an adult guest not to touch your stuff, most will. A child just can’t help being curious and little fingers will break things.</p>

<p>You don’t have to babysit an adult. What if the mother’s back is turned or she is in the bathroom or down the hall for a second, the roommate is going to feel obligated to make sure the kid doesn’t hurt himself.</p>

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<p>Exactly, Tatin. Which is why the Director should be the babysitter, since he thinks this is just fine.</p>

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<p>^ Tatin, you would think that an adult would be courteous enough to quiet down, not touch someone else’s possessions, not eat their food, etc. but my D could tell you otherwise.</p>

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<p>Re #48 Just to clarify, read the article or read post #38. I don’t know if the young woman is telling the truth, but she says her roommate had already asked her to agree the child could stay for 6 consecutive nights.</p>

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<p>There are plenty of 4 year olds who can be trusted alone in a room while mom goes to the bathroom, and who follow directions quite well. I work with 4 year olds for a living, and I can vouch for many of them.</p>

<p>There are also plenty of college students who insist that they must be allowed to play their music, or otherwise make noise. My junior year, I had a group of young men on my floor who liked to play soccer in the hallway and use my door (at the end of the hallway) as the goal, at 2 in the morning. </p>

<p>There are also plenty of college students who think nothing of forcing their roommate to hang out in the library so they can have sex every afternoon, or having sex in the room while the roommate sleeps, both of which I consider a much more significant violation of boundaries than sometimes touching someone’s stuff.</p>

<p>Having said all that, I continue to say that it was reasonable for the roommate to approach the Residential Director about moving, but that it was also reasonable for the Residential Director’s to request that she approach the roommate and attempt to communicate and find a compromise, while the Director looked into the situation and other solutions.</p>

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<p>Jane, I do agree that colleges should do a better job of enforcing boundaries, and not push it back on kids to work it out. Doesnt make it right for some of the things you mentioned, but two wrongs do not make a right.</p>

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<p>Okay, I’m speaking as the sister of a teen mom, who has been more or less forced to share her living space with a child. It’s not fun. If it wasn’t my sister, I wouldn’t do it.</p>

<p>My sister and I share a room, a teensy bit bigger than a traditional dorm room, we have twin beds and everything. </p>

<p>1) I have to worry about ANYTHING I leave ANYWHERE. That paper I was working on for school? Do not leave it within grabbing reach, or it will be shredded as soon as your back is turned. Your phone that you put down on your bed when you went to the bathroom? Sure do hope it’s slobber proof. That sunday morning sleep in you were looking forward to? Forget that, there’s a toddler crawling on your face because his mom is a sound sleeper.</p>

<p>2) There is noise all the time. I can’t tell you how many times my study sessions have been interrupted by a screaming toddler. Or when I have a headache and I just want some peace and quiet, which before the nephew, my sister would have lovingly respected. After the nephew, she can only say sorry and try to make him be quiet. </p>

<p>3) Like it or not, it’s awkward to bring your friends over. Sure, they think it’s cute a few times, but when you want to have your friends over at say, nine o’clock for a movie and some fun times, you have to constantly worry about how loud you’re being because there’s a baby sleeping in the other room. And eventually they’re not going to want to side step around that.</p>

<p>4) Freedom of speech? No ma’am. No one likes a dirty mouth, I know, but it’s pretty common for 18ish year olds to curse, to say things you wouldn’t want to hear from a toddler, and as soon as they learn how to repeat things, you have to be careful about what stories you tell in front of them. That one thing you didn’t want your mom(substitute RA here, I would assume) to know is not going to be nice coming out of a toddler’s mouth.</p>

<p>It’s not normal. It’s not the same as a boyfriend. It’s not something the average teenager should have to put up with. And if it wasn’t my sister, and this wasn’t my sweet, lovely nephew who I love more than the world, I would not put up with it. A lot of my life has changed because of someone elses actions, because of someone else’s decisions. It’s stressful. </p>

<p>I completely understand where this girl is coming from, and I don’t think she was out of line at all. Living with a toddler is hard, and you shouldn’t be forced into it; and she had no emotional or familial obligation to do so.</p>

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<p>jonri - I was just referring to that because NYU is really, really strict on dorm policies and I can’t see that they would let anyone stay for 6 consecutive nights. I really wonder if this young woman was freaking out about this and somehow got that idea when it likely wouldn’t happen.</p>

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<p>To be clear, the article was posted today, as was the note saying that the roommate tweeted yesterday that her roommate had moved to a single. So, the college solved the problem at least one day, and likely at least two days, before this came out, as well as no more than 9 days after they discovered the issue, and probably less.</p>

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<p>I have to agree that the toddler does not belong in a dorm room or even a dorm suite. I think NYU did the right thing to mitigate the situation if they put the mother in a single. I agree that it doesn’t make my skin crawl if a student doesn’t want toddler running around even if it’s one night a week or two nights a week. Sorry I do agree, the “mother” and perhaps the father should have made other arrangements. I’m not sure what they were thinking. I am certain that NYU had no idea this mother was planning on having her toddler spend time with her including overnights in the dorm. Snellgroves is absolutely correct that they would have to change their lifestyle with a small child running around…we all do when we become parents.</p>

<p>Personally, I think the “mother” should have been upfront with the housing department and perhaps this situation could have been handled correctly from the beginning. I’m guessing she did not want to be upfront and thought she’d wing it.</p>

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<p>Curious, you are making assumptions. We do not know if NYU knew about this when the student asked for housing, or if was in her application. And we know that the director said try to work it out, NOT we will absolutely positively get this fixed. Big difference.</p>

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<p>I think seniorgirl94 nailed it. I suspect what NYU and perhaps other colelges will do is put a “lower limit” on the age of overnight guests which is a very prudent thing to do when people don’t use common sense.</p>

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<p>Yes, I am making assumptions that the Director of the Dorm didn’t know. It’s possible the student lived their the previous semester, it’s also possible there was nothing on the housing form that indicated she had a child, and it’s possible there’s something in between. E.g. NYU knew, put her in a single but didn’t communicate to the Director why, Director suddenly needed a single (maybe someone applied for a medical single?), and accidentally moved the wrong person.</p>

<p>On the other hand, we don’t actually know whether this child set foot in the dorm room during the first 9 days of the semester. We don’t know whether this child lived around the corner and was there every waking minute, or whether they lived across country and would have come once for a few days. I’m guessing it’s somewhere in between since if the child had actually done anything, I think it would have been reported in the letter, instead of being 100% speculative.</p>

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<p>I don’t blame her for freaking out, especially considering we’re talking about a 4 year old. </p>

<p>As someone who has babysat small children of older cousins and a few friends, they can be a handful even if they are well-behaved and doing their best to be quiet or to keep their hands to themselves. </p>

<p>They can’t always help themselves due to their maturity level, curiosity, and need for constant attention. </p>

<p>Putting them in the same room as a single undergrad trying to study, sleep, or otherwise live a traditionally aged undergrad lifestyle just won’t work. </p>

<p>Doing so effectively means making said roommate into an “unofficial babysitter”…even if the child’s parent didn’t mean to or even realize it.</p>

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<p>Jane, I thought a previous poster said that the mother had requested the child spend 6 consecutive days there. See post 47. I think the intent was the kid would be there virtually full time.</p>

<p>Cobrat, I think the problem is that Director apparently did not tell the writer, “aint gonna happen” and instead apparently said “work it out”</p>

<p>Gotta wonder if NYU would have had a problem if a male student had been made an unofficial babysitter or if a female Director would have realized what was going to happen?</p>

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<p>I’m glad it was resolved. I think the roommate was right to object.</p>

<p>seniorgirl94, your post was super.</p>

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<p>No, I wouldn’t want to room with someone else’s 4 year old, not even for one night. Yes, it was the roommate life choice, and it shouldn’t become someone else’s problem. Kids wake up early, why should the roommate have to deal with that? Not sure what NYU was thinking of. A dorm room is someone’s home. He/she should have the right to peace/quiet enjoyment of the room he/she paid for.</p>