<p>Kayf - Universities do not HAVE to do anything. They can close their doors if they want to. However, if they want to address the needs of society, such as provide preferential admissions for URMs or build a linear accelorator or fund a Peace & Justice Department, it would be perfectly understandable if a college or two might want to address the trememndous need to help educate women who are single and have children. WIC is not the best long term solution for everyone. there is a better answer than placing a single mom in a regular dorm room. Some school are committed to meeting that need.</p>
<p>No WAY would I be okay with this living situation .</p>
<p>Jane, I am basing my comdemantion of NYU on the Director’s own words. He should not have talked about communication and comprise. He should have said the university was looking into this. Period.</p>
<p>Glido, my point is it is not right to meet any needs that the college determines on the back of one other student. If NYU feels so strong, put the mother in with the RD. I doubt any RD would accept that. Its time to start holding RDs accountable when they do not do their jobs, and push everything back on students, saying the students should communicate and compromise, which results in times in some students taking advantage of the situation.</p>
<p>Communication can’t really make the situation worse. Why on earth wouldn’t it make sense for the roommates to communicate while the RD is looking into the situation.</p>
<p>Even if the compromise slants heavily to one roommate, e.g. </p>
<p>“Let’s agree to wait 2 weeks to talk about scheduling the first visit, and see if the housing department has a solution by then.”</p>
<p>or </p>
<p>“Let’s agree to write a joint letter about our concerns, so that the RD knows that we agree that the current situation isn’t working”</p>
<p>or </p>
<p>“Given that childfree roommate works 8 hours on Tuesday and Thursday, let’s limit child’s visits to those rooms to those hours and further stipulate that child is never in the room without direct supervision, and is not allowed to touch childfree roommate’s things”. </p>
<p>or </p>
<p>Childfree roommate gets nowhere, and is able to honestly go back to RD with more evidence of why a move hasn’t happen.</p>
<p>How can communicating hurt? How is it bad advice?</p>
<p>Curious, becuase this is not an area where compromise is appropriate. Child does not belong in dorm. You and RD are suggesting there are ways it can work. Its not fair. Let the mom share with an RD – oh wait the RD would scream bloody murder.</p>
<p>Sorry, but there is no reason why the mother can’t commute an hour into Manhattan each day. Millions do, at all hours of the night and day. </p>
<p>And let’s not forget that NYU was for years a commuting school. Seems kind of selfish all around for the mother to be living in the dorms.</p>
<p>Just came back and read the last 30 hours of posts.</p>
<p>All I have to say is this: Read SeniorGirl94’s post. If one of my kids came out with something like that about having a kid around 6 days a month, I would be horribly ashamed of him or her. If you want to encourage those attitudes, fine. I don’t like them at all.</p>
<p>I’m glad that NYU found a good way to resolve the situation, but the complaining roommate does not have a lot of respect from me.</p>
<p>
First of all, the complaining student also made the point that in addition to the 6 nights per month, the 4 year old could be a guest in the room every day, all day, under NYU policies. I think she had every right to blow a gasket, and I think SeniorGirl94’s post made eminent good sense in explaining why this was an entirely unreasonable situation. But I do think NYU did no wrong here. We have to assume they knew nothing about the mother’s plans to house her kid part-time in the dorm, and they rectified the situation promptly. I’m sure they will be reconsidering the rules when it comes to young visitors. The real problem here was the mother, who had a heck of a nerve springing this nonsense on her roommate. She’s self-centered, entitled, and inconsiderate.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Actually, I’m not so sure about that knowing what I know about the tendencies of NYU’s bureaucracies to screw up on a disturbingly consistent basis judging by what I’ve heard from dozens of NYU undergrad alums over the last two decades, from having friends who work there, and from having some such encounters myself as a prospective student back in HS. </p>
<p>In light of that, I think it is extremely rash to judge the mother at this point. </p>
<p>Especially considering how it is very possible she did submit forms for family housing/apartment/single room and the housing department either “forgot” or somehow screwed up to the point this situation came about. As for the RD’s “compromise” statement to the childfree roommate, typical bureaucratic response. What a surprise…not!</p>
<p>JHS, to anyone who said they think the writer should not have complained, YOU take a 4 YO into your home for what could be 6 nights and unlimited days per month. Its really easy to say, oh lets help out the poor presumably single mother at someone else’s expense</p>
<p>I agree with JHS. If the 6 consecutive nights hadn’t come up, the child would still be allowed to visit every day, according to NYU housing policy - a policy that was probably spelled out in the contract each student signs when they apply for housing. </p>
<p>I disagree that the mother is necessarily inconsiderate. We don’t know if she tried to get a single in the first place, and didn’t get one, or how she ended up in this suite. It is possible she had no intention of her child staying more than 2 nights at a time, and was told by NYU that this was not a problem - I still say it’s no different than an obnoxious boyfriend staying every other weekend. She had an emergency, and requested roommate to approve a 6-night stay. We don’t know the background of what the emergency was - the roommate did not indicate that is was not in fact an emergency.</p>
<p>Yes, it is appropriate for the roommate to be upset, but it is immature and self-centered of her to blame the mother, who for all we know made every effort to communicate with the roommate, and come to a compromise. From what I have read, it appears the child never set foot in the room, and it was only speculation that 2 weekends a month would grow to visits all day every day. It’s quite possible the child would be well behave, and far easier to put up with than a boyfriend who is in the room all day every day, plus 2 or 3 weekends a month.</p>
<p>If my D was faced with this situation, I would hope she would communicate with her roommate, and discuss some boundaries before saying no outright. If the boundaries are crossed, then you complain. </p>
<p>I don’t find fault with the RD suggesting communication either. They were working on a solution - moving the mother - but didn’t have a space for her immediately, and might not have known if they had a good solution. They should have communicated so they weren’t at square one if/when NYU couldn’t find a single to move the mother.</p>
<p>CT, it is not clear to me whether the writer was blaming the RD or the mother. “… quite possible the child would well behave”? Give me a break, even the best of 4 YOs are going to present issues. My guess - NYU and many other schools are going to limit the age for dorm visitors – because this is just not a good idea. Frankly I favor a lower and an upper age. As to whether it is easier to put up with 4 YO or a boyfriend, I only hope this incident opens up discussion of reasonable visitation. Schools have to make dorms comfortable, and not allow students to take advantage of situations.</p>
<p>As to NYU, if they could not find a room for the mother, they should have immediately changed rules for overnights and daily visitors to put an age limit in. Just telling a student to “compromise” - unacceptable. If NYU wants to help UG mothers, let them establish a day care center, whatever, but it is wrong to push it off on random students. Parents are sick and tired of paying 60G and find out that their kids do not have reasonable use of dorm room. This is just one example, but one of the worst ones, and has to change.</p>
<p>A scenario like this would never have entered my mind as a possibility when my kids went off to college. This is not the sort of roommate issue a student would anticipate either. Young mothers or fathers with children who want to go to college are typically commuters, because boarding is expensive and they have a child to house and support, and because babies and young children require things like cribs or youth beds, changing tables, diaper bags, bathtubs, high chairs, special seats, stair gates, and toys–none of which there is room for in a dorm, and probably even less so in a NYC dorm. The potential issues are endless because of close quarters, no matter how fantastic the mother is: smelly diapers in the room, crumbs and sticky fingers everywhere, constant pitter patter of little feet right next to you while you’re trying to study, crying, legos to trip on, and so on. The original purpose of dorming was to provide an area of minimal distraction for full-time serious students. </p>
<p>I don’t blame either roommate. NYU should have a housing policy for married students or those with young children who need to live with their parents at least part time.</p>
<p>CTScoutmom wrote: “Yes, it is appropriate for the roommate to be upset, but it is immature and self-centered of her to blame the mother, who for all we know made every effort to communicate with the roommate, and come to a compromise. From what I have read, it appears the child never set foot in the room, and it was only speculation that 2 weekends a month would grow to visits all day every day. It’s quite possible the child would be well behave, and far easier to put up with than a boyfriend who is in the room all day every day, plus 2 or 3 weekends a month.”</p>
<p>Presumably the childless roommate blamed her roommate for good reason: she knows more about the situation than we do. The fact that the mom-roommate approached her with a request to go beyond the university’s rules of 3 consecutive nights in order to secure 6 consecutive nights for her child suggests some chutzpah. My own experience is that once a person asks for more, that person continues to take more and more and more. </p>
<p>Compromise? I don’t think there’s a good possible compromise here. I agree with kayf that the university screwed up in even suggesting that the roommates explore such an avenue. I’d think the university’s immediate response would and should be that if true, the situation was serious, even critical, and needed to be resolved at once and by the university, not the students themselves. And here I’m thinking of the welfare of a child–little more than a baby!–in a non-child friendly space, one that would foreseeably be dangerous for that child. From a perspective of self-interest, the university shouldn’t want to test the waters here.</p>
<p>Beyond that, I have no idea whether the mom-roommate was up front in her application for housing. I’m quite open to believing she was and that the school screwed up.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>To be clear, that example was pure speculation from my part, and was given as an example of a circumstance in which I can imagine someone asking, and feel it would be totally reasonable for the childfree mom to say no. We don’t know the actual circumstance and whether the kid lives a block away or in California, or whether the emergency was legitimate or not. We do know that the mom asked, that the childfree mom said no, and that it appears that the mom made other arrangements. I will admit that the last part is speculative on my part, but from my reading of the author of the post and letter, if an NYU policy had been broken (e.g. she had said no and the child had come anyway, and NYU had not taken steps to remove the child) she would have included it in the letter. </p>
<p>GFG, this is a 4 year old on a weekend visit, not a baby or toddler living there full time. There would not be diapers, high chairs, cribs, toddler beds or any of the other things you listed involved. </p>
<p>As for the idea that the dorms are there to provide environments for study with minimal distraction, I’d say that a guest policy that allows your roommate to have their boyfriend or girlfriend in your room for 6 hours a night, every night (because it’s not an overnight until 7 hours according to NYU policy), and visitors all day every day, is not in keeping with that conception of dorms. I know on my campus that the environment for study with minimal distraction was the library. </p>
<p>Finally, I’ll say again, that I’m not blaming anyone. I do think that the childfree roommate should be able to have a childfree room, just the way that I think that a conservative religious student should be able to have a room with a roommate with similar values who agrees not to have sex in the room, or a recovering alcoholic or drug addict should be able to have a substance free room. However, I also think that the childfree roommate should have worked within the system (e.g. talk to the roommmate, go to the RD together, wait a few days for a response) before approaching the media.</p>
<p>^^Actually I appreciate that the roommate did make this possibility public. I would never in a million years thought that a situation like this could occur. But then again, I’ve seen my share of young children in places they really should not be.</p>
<p>Jane, I find it unlikely that the child lives in California. i do not know of any airline that allows an unnaccompanied 4 YO to fly alone. So for the 4 YO to come to NY from CA, some adult has to accompany the child. This would make no sense to me, that if this were an emergency that the mom could fine one or two people to fly the kid to and from NY. That just makes no sense. I think it is much more likely that the 4 YO lives locally, and will have more stuff and more daytime visits. You make a big deal that the 4YO will not be in diapers – but many 4 YOs are at night (or at least pullups)</p>
<p>You say you do not blame anyone, but go on to critizice the only person who had no role in creating this situation. Either the mom was less than open about the situation with NYU or NYU wasn’t thinking (and the RD certainly wasn’t effectively thinking when his view of solution is compromise and communicate). I do not think a conservative religious student can be compared with a 4 YO. I think a parent may have a reasonable expectation that a roommate or suite mate may have different values, but not a reasonable expectation that a 4 YO will be there.</p>
<p>Mom, I too am glad the roommate went public. I think that can open up communications as to what reasonable rules are.</p>
<p>I reread the childless roommate’s email to NYU and concentrated on the quotes she included from the residence directors. She reports that she asked whether the visiting guest policy applied equally to children and to adults and that Crisman, the Residence Hall Director, replied that the policy “does apply equally to guests of any age.” (Right there, I’m scratching my head because it can’t be the first time that a student wanted to bring a young sibling to stay over a weekend and I’m a bit surprised that this would be allowed. I know for sure there were age limits in place back in the dark ages when I attended college.) In any event, it suggests that the RD was made aware of the situation and of this woman’s discomfort early on and simply allowed it to continue/hoped it would go away.</p>
<p>She also reports that the Assistant Residence Hall Director told her to be accommodating to the roommate and her situation and likened it to one where a student was uncomfortable because a homosexual partner stayed the night. What?! I’d bristle at that alone. It all but accuses the girl of ignorant, unfair narrowminded bias and dismisses her concerns. The RD similarly told her that “perhaps some compromise could be worked out between everyone.” I don’t know what choice the kid had but to escalate her concerns and go public. If I were her parent, I’d have supported her actions.</p>
<p>Thank you 3 Girls. NYU’s actions and comments are unacceptable. I suspect that the Assisantant RDs are only taking the lead from whomever, the Dean of Student Life. I am not looking to blame the first level foot soldiers (the RAs), but it seems like the fish stinks from the head here, and NYU needs to re-examine its policies. It seems that the RDs take the tack that two wrongs make a right. If it is OK to “sexile” a roommate, then it is OK to bring a kid in. Its time to review all of this.</p>