Is it just me or she too clingy?

Student Lounge College Life
21

<p>For gods sake don't tell her how you feel. </p>

<p>As long as she let's you keep hitting it, it sounds like you're in the clear to me. If she's jealous of you not doing stuff with her, and you think you're going to be with this girl for a while, you really have to draw the line somewhere. Spend at least one day a week getting wasted with your male friends (its summer now, so that should be easy). Eventually she'll take the hint that you're not her property, and begin to ease up. It'll seem weird at first, because she's gonna get ****ed off at you. Just keep on spending at least one night a week free of her (one 5 minute phone call is all you allow. If she wants to keep talking, tell her its your turn for beer pong and you have to go). Trust me, this works.</p>

<p>Also, if she's suspicious of you cheating on her with another girl, the best thing you can do is get them both together, have a bonfire for your friends or something like that (unless you're actually cheating on her, in which case that's just plain stupid). If she's got half a brain, she should pick up on the fact that there's nothing going on between you two, and you should be in the clear.</p>

<p>Oh yea, I forgot, if this isn't long term, you don't really have to do anything at all. It takes at least 2 weeks of treating a girl like **** before she'll dump you, and in that time you can get in as much sex as you want. (I don't know this part from personal experience, just what I've observed)</p>

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<p>ok i love antagonizing people so here goes:
citygirlsmom: ok so heres how guys think, first we see a girl think shes nice and then try to ask her out. next we're dating, yay!, going slow and yes waiting to see when we'll first have sex b/c popular culture has infused into us that sex is always part of a relationship, which it is. but then as men with testosterone coursing through our bodies we also have other needs like hanging out w/ other guys, checking out other women b/c its in our nature, playing sports etc etc. if a girl wants to basically cling onto us and more or less interrupt all our other needs we get a little "annoyed" and want more space. i highly highly doubt he is getting annoyed w/ her just b/c they've had sex and he now wants to get more from another girl, its simply men need space and at the rate their going she probably wants to get married by labor day and he thinks they shoudl slow down things a bit. most women (I'm ASSUMING) are looking for a Mr. Right (only ONE) and she apparently thinks shes found him and wants to cling on to him and not lose him b/c in her generations female world you're supposed to find the most perfect guy and marry him. also i do think you're being too harsh because for crying out loud hes a guy whos only 19? and probably ahsnt dated many girls yet and is probably his first serious relationship and isnt used to it, lay off! </p>

<p>and now to jaso9n: so if the sex is good (especially the part that benefits you) i probably wouldnt complain and just let the relationship take its course. if she does get crazy and basically keeps tabs on you 24/7 (and believe me you will know) then obviously shes reached crazy level and its either time to marry her or dump her. you always have the option (If she becomes a psycho) to marry her, get her pregnant and bask at how miserable she will be during her pregnancy. </p>

<p>man im going to get banned again..</p>

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<p>She's definitely being clingy, and it seems like it's because the relationship has gotten 'serious' now. At this point, she probably feels like she has invested a lot of emotion into the relationship and it looks like it's making her a bit needy and paranoid.</p>

<p>I'd say try talking to her and tell her that you care a lot about her, but she's pushing you away by needing so much reassurance recently. There's a good chance that she won't take being called clingy too well no matter how nicely you put it...but really, it's better to try to work on it now than let it build and build until you can't take it anymore and just have to flat out dump her. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>You should tell her how you feel. Hopefully she'll break-up with you...</p>

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<p>citygirlsmom, why are you calling jaso9n2 names? Did you notice that he said his intentions were serious? He posted here for ADVICE, because he really likes her, and he doesn't understand her behavior, and he wants to understand her. Is that shallow? I think that shows he cares. Nowhere has he said that he wants the relationship to stay the same. He just can't understand why she's being clingy. Just by his posts, you make assumptions that he just wants sex? "and when you do get together, is it all about sex or is the rest of the relationship still as strong". Wow.</p>

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<p>I know girls/women that behave this way even if there was no sex involved. I think people need space, nobody likes to be checked up all the time. It's also an issue of trust. But I think I can see why this person behaves this way, I mean if I were a therapist, this is not an unusual situation. What about being a little bit honest( but not brutal) to this girl. She may break up with you and she may not, but at least she won't keep doing this, because if she does I think I can almost guarantee it will not last.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Now look at the post that upset you. It is by citygirlsmom, a poster clearly calling attention to the fact that she has one daughter (or maybe more, english isn't too good on singular vs plural for possesive's). Might it be possible that the mother of girl(s) is particularly sensitive to situations where a guy sleeps with a girl and then has second thoughts about the whole deal? Might there have been times spent consoling her own offspring over being dumped, daughter crushed and in tears, that could color her good judgement here?</p>

<p>The point is that you need a bit thicker skin. And to spend a bit of time thinking about why others might say/do the things they do. It might actually have nothing to do with you...

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<p>I could understand her comments if I was a) planning on dumping her, b) only using her for sex, c) calling her all kinds of names other than clingy, or d) all of the above. I haven't said or insinuated ANY of those things, so her comments seem like knee-jerk, hip-shooting comments for my lack of permissiveness to her clinginess. </p>

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So, let is see here, before getting sexually intimate, you really liked her, then because she was asking more of you, you find her annoying

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<p>No, I don't. I find her clingy behavior kinda annoying, but not her as a person. It's not my perception of her that has changed, it's HER BEHAVIOR that has changed. </p>

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maybe she just isn't as shallow as you want her to be, and maybe her new feelings, maybe she doesn't know that you won't dump her, maybe she has reasons to not trust your feelings, and your reaction to her call, because you were sleeping? was just as bad as anything you think she is doing

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<p>I reacted the way I did because she, essentially, wanted to fuss about my not calling her the day before. I don't know how many men you know, but that's a rule of thumb: don't try to reason and discuss something with a man when he's groggy or asleep. You're probably not going to get the reaction you want...especially if it's over something he doesn't care about. Having the wherewithal to know when is and when isn't a good time isn't much to ask, is it? </p>

<p>Also, I called her back and apologized for my going off on her that same day. I don't see how my behavior in one instance is the equivalent as her behavior over the past few weeks. </p>

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look to yourself, you liked this girl for a reason....and because she expects more from you, you find her annoying</p>

<p>and please, he asked, didn't he, but he makes the claim he is basically prince charming, but his girlfriend obviouslly doesn't think so, and she knows him better than we do

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<p>What does "more" have to do with her being clingy? Why should I just sit around and tolerate her clinginess? Would you advise her to tolerate my clingy behavior?</p>

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also i do think you're being too harsh because for crying out loud hes a guy whos only 19? and probably ahsnt dated many girls yet and is probably his first serious relationship and isnt used to it, lay off!

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<p>Thanks a lot, tenisfan88. I'm actually twenty, but I appreciate it, man.</p>

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you always have the option (If she becomes a psycho) to marry her, get her pregnant and bask at how miserable she will be during her pregnancy.

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<p>LOL I don't plan on marrying a psycho. I like women with a little fight in them, but I can't marry and have kids with a woman like that. I'd go crazy.</p>

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I'd say try talking to her and tell her that you care a lot about her, but she's pushing you away by needing so much reassurance recently. There's a good chance that she won't take being called clingy too well no matter how nicely you put it...but really, it's better to try to work on it now than let it build and build until you can't take it anymore and just have to flat out dump her.

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<p>Thanks for your advice. You're right.</p>

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You should tell her how you feel. Hopefully she'll break-up with you...

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<p>Why do you hope she breaks up with me?</p>

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What about being a little bit honest( but not brutal) to this girl. She may break up with you and she may not, but at least she won't keep doing this, because if she does I think I can almost guarantee it will not last.

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<p>Yeah, it seems like it's going to come down to that.</p>

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<p>oh you could always just say, (slowly and painfully) "i...think..we should see other people" and if she doesnt accept it a) block her from facebook b) block her AIM c) avoid her residence area at all cost d) try to avoid her daily routines if you know it e) block her phone number if possible f) buy some mace if she tracks you down and attacks you for breaking up with her.</p>

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<p>To go back to something from earlier on, about not calling her Fri nite. Definite faux pau. Like it or not, you're not just in a relationship with her. You're in a relationship with her AND her best friends. So something like this happens on Fri: Friends: (teasing) " Where's Joe tonite? No hot date?" GF: "I don't know, he didn't call me today." Friends (mad at you) "Is he breaking up with you? Is he seeing else?" Twenty minutes of conversation ensues, all about you and how you're treating her. You're seriously involved, why aren't you calling? See, you embarrassed her and made her look bad to her friends; no wonder she's mad!</p>

<p>With a serious GF (and one you're intimate with is by defn. serious) on Fri and Sat you need to talk each day, and go out one at least one of them. That's just how it works. </p>

<p>And something else you might not know. Girls talk about everything with their best friends. So her friends don't just think you're dating, they know what else has happened, things you've told her, etc. They're in up to their eyeballs with her, and anything you say/do with her they find out about. It's how girls bond or something. If you don't believe me, just ask her what she's told her friends about you. So clingy is all her, but not calling on Fri is her and a chorus of her pals vs you.</p>

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<p>Wellll. Having been clinged upon and also clingy, I'll add my perspective to the mix. Some people are just clingy /depending people, but from your description obviously there's been a shift. Calling you four times a day is really a lot, at least by my standards...</p>

<p>Probably she's just insecure about your relationship. Now that you've had sex, she wants to make sure its serious emotionally as well, that you really liked her, and want to make the relationship work. I've totally felt like that. Since it's bothering you, what you really ahve to do is tell her how you feel. Seriously!! she'll appreciate your honesty and only honest relationships work out....BUT make sure in that talk, and also before and after, you make sure she knows how much you like/love and appreciate her because that's probably what she's trying to prove, anyways. </p>

<p>Just explain to her you love her, and love talking to her, but youre not really a phone person and prefer seeing her, and don necessarily feel the need to talk to her so often... explain that you usually dont talk on the phone very much, etc....but its no reflection on her as she is beautiful and marvelous, etc...</p>

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<p>i think citygirlsmom is the most on target of the posters, as well as mikemac, (though i stopped reading four posts above me)...even though citygirlsmom may be biased, she is right to be harsh. perhaps it is because i am a girl that i side with her. (if "siding" is the right word, i don't know)</p>

<p>personally, i have seen this situation played out more times than i can count (i have male siblings). first, this situation is almost inevitable, and it is the consequence of having sex at such a young, immature, vulnerable age. a lot of people above me are pegging this girl as dependent. yes, there is such a thing as a dependent disorder, but my gut tells me this has more to do with the sex part than some disorder. and i have to agree with one poster that it will probably not be resolved in this relationship, it will take time and maturity to overcome. </p>

<p>as for you, you should take more responsibility for your actions. i agree with citygirlsmom that you are being selfish. you don't seem to have the slightest inkling of understanding for your girlfriend's feelings. instead, your entire thread seems to be geared towards validating your belief that there is something wrong with HER, not YOU. well, citygirlsmom is completely right. if you're not willing to move the rest of the relationship forward, your going to have quite the time as your girlfriend attempts to DRAG you forward until you can't stand it anymore and decide to break up with her. </p>

<p>solution?
you should recognize where she is coming from, which i don't see you doing. you have to reach out and give her that reassurance, selflessly.
but unfortunately i don't have much hope for this relationship. even though she has all those attributes and you sound reasonably nice and intelligent, you sound so immature, i mean consider what you were trying to get out of posting this...that there's something wrong with her or how you can better this relationship? the answer to that question will determine what happens next.</p>

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<p>"Just explain to her you love her, and love talking to her, but youre not really a phone person and prefer seeing her, and don necessarily feel the need to talk to her so often... explain that you usually dont talk on the phone very much, etc....but its no reflection on her as she is beautiful and marvelous, etc..."</p>

<p>omg don't say this, please. that sounds like the biggest B S i have ever read in my entire life, she'll see right through it. please don't say this, it'll make you sound even more immature and thoughtless and selfish.</p>

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<p>I don't see how he is wrong at all. Maybe its because I'm a guy, but going through someone's phone then grilling them about the contacts seems a little clingy to me. He seems to be more than accomodating which may be the problem. No one reads minds.</p>

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<p>all i'm saying is he should take responsibility for his actions. he had sex with her, and refuses to move the rest of the relationship to the next level too. she's reacting the way she is because of that.</p>

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<p>He's a guy...most guys usually don't have a big need to be reassured every day that the other person's feelings are genuine until given reason to doubt. From the sounds of it, he feels that the relationship is going really well, so really, he doesn't get why she's questioning and forcing it so much.</p>

<p>As for the whole hand holding thing, a lot of people, myself included, just aren't into PDAs and just don't feel a constant need to always be all over their bf/gf. He recognizes that she likes to hold hands or whatever, though, so he's compromised at that point to make her happy. He also said that he has no problem talking to her a couple times a day but just isn't into having his ear glued to a phone making small talk. I really don't see why a few of you are giving him such a hard time about this. It really seems to me that he's just trying to keep a healthy level of personal identity and independence.</p>

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<p>I definitely agree with crazygirlsmom and aspiring_1010! It makes me sad to see a college board with such intelligent kids react to these comments in such a way. I thought guys in college would be more mature at least. FYI I'm 19 and a girl from Europe.</p>

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<p>As if males mature when they enter the workforce/the real world?</p>

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<p>I'm reeeally trying to keep my prickish, rebellious nature under control here...</p>

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[quote]
as for you, you should take more responsibility for your actions. i agree with citygirlsmom that you are being selfish. you don't seem to have the slightest inkling of understanding for your girlfriend's feelings. instead, your entire thread seems to be geared towards validating your belief that there is something wrong with HER, not YOU. well, citygirlsmom is completely right. if you're not willing to move the rest of the relationship forward, your going to have quite the time as your girlfriend attempts to DRAG you forward until you can't stand it anymore and decide to break up with her.

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<p>Excuse me, but exactly what the hell are you talking about? The whole point of me starting this thread is to try and understand her feelings. I haven't really made any judgment calls, except that her behavior lately is clingy. I listed examples. I haven't said I plan on dumping her if she doesn't straighten up. </p>

<p>How -- and this is for you and citygirlsmom -- does one move the relationship forward? Do we co-purchase some cats? Move into an apartment together? Get "his" and "her" tattoos? What have I said that implies I don't want to move the relationship forward?</p>

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you should recognize where she is coming from, which i don't see you doing. you have to reach out and give her that reassurance, selflessly.

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<p>I hear ya, but like I said, I don't think that means "keep quiet about things she does just so you don't come off selfish." </p>

<p>I get the feeling that if this was my girlfriend posting about me, there would be a bunch of "don't put up with that" and "you need to dump him, girl" posts. Since I'm a guy, I'm supposed to grin and bear it. Typical ;)</p>

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all i'm saying is he should take responsibility for his actions. he had sex with her, and refuses to move the rest of the relationship to the next level too. she's reacting the way she is because of that.

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<p>I hate the silent implication in this statement. It's not, "he had sex with her." It's not, "dude, you're getting sex." WE had sex. I didn't just bend her over a chair and told her to keep quiet.</p>

<p>I guess my logic is, if she trusts me enough to be intimate with her, why can't she trust me to go out to the mall and not hit on other girls or keep girls on stand-by with their numbers in my cell phone? Why are some you equating "moving the relationship forward" to engaging in overtly suspicious behavior?</p>

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He's a guy...most guys usually don't have a big need to be reassured every day that the other person's feelings are genuine until given reason to doubt. From the sounds of it, he feels that the relationship is going really well, so really, he doesn't get why she's questioning and forcing it so much.

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<p>Thanks, katho. You're right. </p>

<p>By the way, I know I've given you crap in the past about being a tad self-interested, but I really appreciate how selfless you've been in this, and other threads I've seen you in lately. For what it's worth.</p>

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<p>Haha, no problem.</p>

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<p>Jesus christ, you people need to lay off this guy. He's taking the steps to try and get some advice, and you all just take the opportunity to condemn him for whatever bad thing some other ******* did to you in the past. Let me guess, you were young and ignorant, he told you he loved you, so you had sex with him. Next thing you know, he's telling you it's over and sleeping with your best friend. Now you think that we're all the same, all like that. Goddamn, you think that just because he's the guy he must be the problem, it can't be the girl, she's just confused and insecure. Maybe that's the case, but it could be equally the case that she's just a psycho, or maybe and more probably it's somewhere in between. The thing is, none of you are in the position to be passing judgment no matter how much "life experience" you think you have.</p>