My roommate and I share a studio loft. She’s in the loft next to the bathroom, I’m in the living room next to the kitchen. There’s a curtain between us. I think she’s a pretty high maintenance person and pretty fussy. For example, when I put something around the size of a small garbage can next to the kitchen in the common area and it isn’t in her way, she would ask me to put it in my own space instead, telling me that she might unintentionally kick it. Also, she asks me to use less hand soap and puts a sticky note up on the mirror to remind me. When I forget to wash a pair of chopsticks and leave them on the counter, she would write a sticky note to tell me to wash them. When there’s a little white thing in the kitchen sink the size of a small button, she would ask me if it’s mine, and tell me to be careful not to leave it there next time because it could stink. When our manager lent our parking space to someone without telling us, she wanted to talk to the manager just to tell her what she did was wrong. The manager said that she could give us another parking space, but she didn’t want that since we didn’t have a car, she wanted to talk to the manager just to reason with her and tell her she was wrong. Although I agree with her that our manager shouldn’t have done that, I felt that reasoning with her would be unnecessary, especially when our manager already said that she could give us another parking space. From all this behavior and some other accounts that I can’t think of now, I thought that she was pretty fussy, which would be fine if she wasn’t so rude and disrespectful. She acted plain disrespectful towards me on several occasions. I used to be pretty messy in my own space and I didn’t shower regularly. To be honest I didn’t think that I needed to be tidy in my own space and I didn’t think how often I shower should be her concern. She told me that the apartment smelled because of my mess and because I didn’t take regular showers, which is fine and I was willing to change my habits to accommodate her. Although I didn’t think how my own space looks and how often I shower should be my roommate’s concern, I thought that since there was a smell it would become a legitimate concern of hers and I was willing to change my habits to get rid of the smell. However, she wanted to move out without finding a replacement roommate for me and without paying for the rest of the lease term. She thought it would be my responsibility to find a replacement roommate or to pay her share of the rent because my habits caused her a problem, leading to her wanting to move out. However, I thought that if my habits are causing her a problem, we could work it out and I could change my habits. It wouldn’t be right for her to just move out without finding a replacement because of this problem. I recognize that I unintentionally bothered her and I was willing to cooperate with her in order to fix the problem, but I didn’t think that moving out without finding a replacement because of this problem was right or responsible. She signed a contract with me and I felt that breaking the contract because of such a problem would be irresponsible. So I told her that she needed to find a replacement. Then she basically said that there’s something wrong with me and my values, which I thought was pretty disrespectful. She didn’t end up moving out because I cleaned up my space and agreed to shower regularly. I asked my friends, people who have lived with me in the past and people who have been to my apartment if I made the room smell, they all said no. I guess some of them might have said no just to be polite, but I think at least one of two of the people I asked should have been honest. Two friends have told me that I smelled when I didn’t shower for a few days when I was right next to them, but that isn’t the same as making the room smell. I don’t doubt that my roommate was telling the truth, I just think that her sense of smell is just more sensitive than most people. After some time she said that there was still a smell although I was showering every other day. She asked me if my friends have told me that I smelled when I slept over, I answered no, and she said that maybe they were just too polite to say so. I thought it was pretty rude as well. Then I changed my blanket and pillowcase and bedsheets to accommodate her. My roommate likes to sleep with the door locked from the inside because she would feel safer, I wouldn’t be able to unlock the door with my key from the outside when she locks it from the inside, therefore she wouldn’t be able to lock it from the inside when she goes to bed if I come back home after she goes to bed. She told me to tell her if I come back after 3am just to give her a heads up. I never came back home after 3am after she told me that so I never texted her about when I was coming home. One day she blamed me for not telling her when I come back home late. She said that I don’t care about her feelings. Things is, she only told me to tell her if I come back after 3am and I never came back after 3am after she told me that. I did not violate what she asked of me and yet she was blaming me. She also said that she would lock the door from the inside when she goes to bed regardless of whether I was home or not. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t no anything wrong and apologized even though I didn’t do anything wrong, but she said that there is no use in explaining or apologizing. I felt that she was very mean and disrespectful in this occasion. Later she apologized for her attitude and said that I can come home whenever I like, which I was happy about because it made me think that she’s not as unreasonable as I thought she was, she just couldn’t control her feelings when she’s mad although I didn’t think she was mad for a legitimate reason. A few days ago, the incident regarding the parking space and our manager that I mentioned earlier happened. She wanted me to talk to the manager as well, as she thought that it was also my responsibility. However, I felt that there was nothing that could come out of talking to the manager since my roommate she didn’t want a new parking space and only wanted me to help her reason with the manager. I honestly thought talking to our manager just to reason with her and tell her that she was wrong would be quite ridiculous and stupid and very unnecessary since there was no problem that needed to be solved, so I refused to talk to the manager. She then basically said that I didn’t know responsibility, which I thought was offensive and disrespectful. I told her that was she just said was offensive because it was in an obvious way, and I really couldn’t take it anymore. Before this I always explained things and apologized when she said rude things or acted rudely and never said anything back. In response to what I said, which I don’t think is disrespectful since what she said was indeed very obviously offensive, she said that she felt offended too because I didn’t care about reasoning with the manager. The occasions that I have described aren’t even the only occasions when I thought that she was rude.
Today my roommate told me that she wants to move out again, which made me quite upset because I felt that I have always been quite considerate of her and I’ve always been quite nice to her despite her very obvious lack of respect towards me in certain occasions. I tolerated so much without speaking up for myself because I wanted peace. I felt that after so much effort on my part to tolerate a disrespectful roommate, talk to her nicely despite her rudeness, and apologize when she tells me that she’s bothered by something in a disrespectful way, she still isn’t satisfied. I also think that I am considerate of her as a roommate. I come back home late at times and sometimes inevitably wake her up since her bed is close to the entrance to our apartment and to the bathroom, but I do try to be as quiet as possible. She asked me to turn the volume of my alarms down so I changed my alarms to vibration only. She asked me to cut down my alarms and I did, but sometimes I can’t hear them and there really isn’t anything I can do about that. She asked me to clean up my mess and I did. Although I’m not as tidy as her and my desk is still a mess but other than the mess on my desk the rest of my space is not messy. I throw away all my trash. I don’t mess up common areas such as the bathroom and the kitchen. The only thing that I feel that I didn’t do well was that I still don’t shower regularly after she told me that I made the apartment smell. I did it for a few weeks after she told me that I make the room smell and then I slacked off. It’s not that I don’t want to accommodate this request of hers, I have depression and recently it’s getting pretty bad. I’m a college student but I haven’t gone to class for a couple of weeks now and I don’t think I’m going to pass any of my classes this term. I honestly think that I’m going to get dismissed by my university after this term and I need to do something about it but I’ve been so depressed lately partly because of my roommate that I just can’t function. I slacked off from showering regularly because I’m depressed and I can’t get myself to do anything productive. I recognize that I agreed to shower regularly and yet I didn’t. I apologized to her for it and said that I’m still willing to cooperate and shower regularly if she still thinks that I smell, she said that she hasn’t been paying attention to the smell lately although she could smell it in the mornings and it fades when she opens the window, so if she was honest and didn’t say what she said just to seem nice then the smell isn’t bothering her too much. I doubt her honesty a little because sometimes when I ask her if something bothers her, she would say no in a very nice way, then afterwards I would find out the opposite when she gets really mean and tells me in a rude way that it actually did bother her. She seems very very nice and reasonable most of the time when she’s in a good mood, but frankly she does not respect me. I never dismissed any of her concerns and never refused to cooperate. Although people I asked said that I don’t make the room smell, I didn’t dismiss this concern of hers, I just think that she probably just has a more sensitive sense of smell than most people I should accommodate her very acute sense of smell. Though the attempt to accommodate her very acute sense of smell failed because of my depression, I apologized and expressed that I still am willing to accommodate her. I asked her why she wants to move out, she said her friend wants to live with her and her friend’s place is closer to school and she would have a private bedroom. She didn’t say that it’s because I did anything bad. However, I think if she was satisfied with me she wouldn’t move out. I just think that I must be such a bad roommate because she wants to move out. I’m beating myself up over it. Do you think that it is my fault that she’s moving out?
Acute sense of smell? Really? She’s controlling. She seems to like to make it a point to belittle you whenever she gets a chance! Wow! Trust me, it is NOT your fault, but she certainly wants you to feel like it is. She’s a verbally abusive neat freak with no sense of respect or boundaries. I call these people “Roommates from hell.” Once she’s gone, you should celebrate. Eat some ice cream and pizza…and leave it out overnight! 
Note to OP: Please use paragraphs in your posts. It’s really hard to read a wall of text.
There is a Latin term "Audi alteram partem " (“listen to the other side”) that may be relevant here.
Two years ago you posted here on CC that you were diagnosed with clinical depression. Are you still in therapy?
HOnestly, I only got about a third of the way through that first wall of text before jumping to the very last line.
At the end of the day, you two don’t sound like a good fit for each other. Why beat yourself up over that?
As hard as it was to read your long paragraphs, I got the sense that 1) you two are not a good match and 2) you’re dealing with depression that’s interfering with your ability to keep up with your studies. I urge you to seek help for your mental health and academic struggles.
Try to move beyond assigning blame for the roommate situation. Sounds like it would be best for everyone if the roommate moves out and then for you to focus on getting the help you need.
I wish you all the best.
Yes.
Haha I thought I wrote too long posts until I read yours. When I write a lot I try to cut out some things so I can at least fit it all in one post, but you actually just wrote another post after that so that you can include everything. Kind of nice to know I’m not the only one who writes long posts on here
As far as your issue, I would say I can kind of understand both sides. I think that if you showered less that every other day and if how clean you kept your room was how much you emphasized personal hygeine, I can kind of see how your roommate would be bothered by the smell. And I actually read another post about roomate issues about someone who was also bothered by a roommate’s personal hygeine, so your roommate’s not the only one who notices these things.
However, your roommate seemed quite rude and a bit of a neat freak. I mean post its complaining about small issues like something in the sink, really? If she sees something in the sink clean it up herself, for all she knows she could have caused the mess. And the feud with the manager was not necessary. And she also could have been a little more reasonable knowing that the reason why you struggle with personal hygeine was because of mental health issues.
Overall, it’s no one’s fault. You guys were simply not a good match. Instead of blaming yourself for thinking that you made your roommate leave, be glad that she is gone since the roommate situation you guys were in before was miserable, both for you and for her. Maybe you’ll get another roomate that is nicer to you and a little less strict.
Also, seek professional help if you haven’t already. Your depression sounds pretty concerning if you haven’t been showering at least a few times a week and not going to classes at all (whether roommate is bothered or not, you should keep up on your personal hygeine). And I really hope your situation improves, and wish you luck on getting better.
Get professional help for your depression, shower every day, wash your sheets and towels weekly. You need a schedule. You will be ready for a new roommate, This one is controlling and not a good match for you, but you still need to look after your mental and physical wellbeing.
It sounds like your roommate is pretty particular. But to be honest, most people wouldn’t want to share a space with someone who is depressed and doesn’t practice good hygiene. You two would be better off with other roommates.