My roomie is my friend. I said it’s ok if he hangs out during the day, so they kiss and cuddle even if I’m around. I’m a Muslim, and Muslims aren’t allowed to date (Muslims are pretty conservative). This Friday I asked if she could sleepover at his place instead from now on and she’s like, “he doesn’t really bother you and I though you’d be okay with it”. And when we said bye she texted me saying, “he plans on doing it again, so please let him”.
In terms of ground rules before the school year started, I asked if she and him don’t act love-dovey and act like friends if my parents enter our dorm to pick me up (A majority of Muslim parents would get really upset, in general if they see bfs and gfs around their kids). She was okay with that.
I was gonna plan on talking more on Monday. If she insists on wanting the sleepovers, is it reasonable to ask for a compromise (he doesn’t sleepover nearly everyday, and weekends are ok for sleepovers since I leave on the weekends)?
I’d even go so far as to say that asking for sleepovers only on the weekends would be reasonable. Plenty of people can’t have their SOs sleep over at all, and allowing them to do it every weekend is very gracious of you. If she wants to have a sleepover during the week she should do it at his place. (Assuming his roommate is fine with it.)
My annoyance with the situation would be that if he’s staying over so much, you’re basically getting an extra roommate, which isn’t fair to you. Dorm rooms aren’t big and they aren’t private, especially with a third person who isn’t supposed to be living there. So personally I think you’re completely justified in asking for a compromise, and allowing them the weekends is very nice of you to do.
There are a lot of people who would be very uncomfortable with the boyfriend staying over every night and they are not Muslim. It is very reasonable for you to say you are tired of having him there and if she wants to stay with him she should do it at his place. Offering the weekends should be enough for her, and she should be very grateful for that, not guilting you into taking on a 3rd roommate and forcing you to witness icky stuff. I think she is taking advantage of your niceness. They should get a(nother) room.
Frankly, I don’t believe it’s ever ok for a lover to sleep over in a shared dorm room or to be sexual while a roomie is present. Not ok! I’m fine with all legal sexual relationships, so it’s not a “prude” issue. This situation is just wrong.
We are Christian and would have a problem with it. Traditional dorms are designed for two people and that’s who should generally be in them most of the time. Sometimes a special circumstance will crop up and people should be gracious and tolerant, but overall I think you have been generous.
It is not her right, let alone his right, for him to share your room. So to answer your question specifically: “It is not normal for someone whose name is not on the lease to stay frequently in a dorm room.”
To be honest, I would take it up with the Dean of Residence Life, namely that your religious background is very conservative, and you would request to be matched with a roommate who is also conservative, or get a single.
But, if you do leave every weekend, I’d say if you are okay to let him stay over while you are gone, absolutely no staying over during the week. What is his situation that she can never stay over his place?
I am not religious or conservative by any means, but if I signed up for a double with a same-gender roommate, and now I have a same and opposite gender roommate, I would be very upset. I also don’t want people having relations while I am trying to sleep; that’s what motel rooms are for.
I don’t think it is fair to “kiss and cuddle” in front of you, and honestly she should live off-campus with him if they are “so close” that they need to sleep together every night. I lived with my boyfriend for over two years in college, and certainly we NEVER stayed overnight at his room where he had a roommate, we always were in my single or then senior year we got a room off campus. Yet I had friends who lived in the sorority house who would have their BF stay over and there were three girls sharing the same room (and it was one huge room, not a suite).
It sounds like they are very serious if he MUST be there so frequently. Maybe an honest talk about why she can’t stay over his place ever (not clear from your post, but is implied she is not leaving your room every night) could be had.
Hopefully if he knocks her up, the baby won’t live with you too…
I’d talk to her, not about your needs from a religious pov (too easy for her to dismiss and marginalize), but from a “privacy” pov. Make it clear that if you are not in the room, it’s ok with you if he sleeps overnight, they have sex, or act sexual (kissing, fondling). That’s what “normal” people do. Otherwise, they are abusing you (and each other) by forcibly creating an audience for private behavior. If they can’t keep it private, they are too immature to be sexually involved. It’s all about boundaries. But, you should also make it clear that neither of you should or will be sexiled from your own room. Feel free to discuss this with your school’s Title IX contact or a counselor in student support service. They can coach you through this situation. Good luck.
P.S. You have a right to sleep in a room shared ONLY with your contracted roommate. No overnight visitors is a normal request/demand/expectation. You can discuss what gender overnight visitors is ok with you, in case you’re ok with female visitors who are not in a sexual relationship with a roomie.
Okay, it was unclear from your post that this happened once, and you and your roommate are planning for the future rather than trying to defuse a current problem.
I would say if I were in your situation, yes I would ask her about a compromise.
If he only slept over because it was late and/or they were drinking, that is different than a boyfriend sleeping over frequently as if there was not a third person in the room, if you catch my drift.
If he is not over that frequently, I’d also request that they be out of the room when your parents pick you up. I do know people whose parents would flip if they saw opposite gender people in their child’s room, even if they weren’t carrying on.
It’s completely reasonable to say that he can only sleep over when you are not there but that you do not feel comfortable with him sleeping over when you are in the room. Your right to privacy and comfort in your own room trumps her preference to sleep in the same room as her boyfriend. I think it’s very convenient for both of you that you are gone on weekends, so he can stay over at that time.
Just tell her that having him sleep over does bother you, and you’re not sure why she assumed you would be okay with him spending the night. Say that you’re planning on being gone during many of the weekends in the school year, and say that if he wants to spend the night, then you’re fine if he stays over on weekends when you aren’t there.
If they can’t handle sleeping separate rooms, then they shouldn’t have gotten separate rooms, in my opinion. They should be off-campus in their own apartment, if they need to sleep together all of the time. Or at the very least, one of them should have gotten a single. They knew what they were getting into when they decided to live in different places with roommates, and she shouldn’t be able to take advantage of you by adding what is essentially a third roommate without your permission.
You are paying the same room and board fees that she is. You have a right to sleep in that room every night. He does not. If you are on campus on weekends you do not need to give her permission to let him sleep there EVERY weekend. Every other would be fair.
Most schools have roommate agreements/contracts for expected behavior and dorm policies for sleepovers. Talk to your RA.
@JustOneDad : parents have every right to be upset if their children are being forced out of their dorm rooms by their roommates.
