<p>NJSue, again, everything we read or hear from others is their personal opinions based on their personal experiences. You may or may not have anything in common with them. I would never rely on others’ opinions in regard to such personal matter that greatly affects family. On the other hand, I really do not care what others do with their money. Simply none of my business, there are law and order professionals to take care of criminal activities, I am not one of them. If they are buying gold plated toilets instead of helping thier poor relatives (as many of them do), it is their choice.</p>
<p>"Clarifying intention can save your children hurt and confusion when you aren’t around to explain.
Who wouldn’t want to do that? "</p>
<p>-Me.</p>
<p>^^^^ I don’t understand why anyone would not want to clarify intentions. </p>
<p>While parents have the absolute right to disinherit a child, if not properly handled, it could permanently fracture the family relationship. If one child is a multi-millionaire and the other less successful, some parents (not withstanding almost universal advice not to vary their children’s share of any inheritance) might want to provide more to the child that needs it more. If the reasons are fully explained, along with reassurance of your love for that child, you may avoid a rupture in the family. And that is a great legacy.</p>
<p>@CountingDown – your story is interesting in a strange sort of way.</p>
<p>Have you told your parents that you intend to honor the terms of their will? Did they hear you if and when you said that? What did they say? Unless they are hard of hearing then I have to believe that what they really want is what they wrote in their will.</p>
<p>I just can’t imagine anyone writing a will that doesn’t distribute their assets as they wish. It’s a legally binding document, which your parents know. It is also the only road map anyone has who hasn’t had private top secret conversations with the parents has for how their assets should be distributed.</p>
<p>Honestly, if you were my sibling and you said “This is what the will said but here is what my parents told me that they really wanted” I would look at you like you had a screw loose, even if I believed you and even if I didn’t need the money.</p>
<p>In my opinion, not only are your siblings bound by the terms of the will but so are your deceased parents. I think you shouldn’t give a second thought to honoring the will when the time comes and I don’t think you should lose one minute’s sleep over it.</p>
<p>Not sure that would avoid the rupture, but that would be a great legacy. Not sure how fair it is to give more to the kid who “needs it,” and believe it can certainly create ill-will, no matter how diplomatically it is handled.</p>
<p>The likelihood that CountingDown’s folks will die simultaneously is very slim. Therefore, one parent will die, the other parent will need to revise his/her will (since presumably they are leaving their estates to the surviving spouse) and that’s the point at which a real lawyer who doesn’t get boilerplate off the internet will intervene.</p>
<p>Top secret conversations with an heir or a best friend are not legally binding. Heirs can challenge the appointment of an executor who is not distributing assets in accordance with the will; heirs can sue; the lawyer can be charged with malpractice. I know people who have chewed up a 500K estate into bits and pieces by challenging both the executor and the will in court. A niece who wouldn’t attend the funeral of a formerly beloved Aunt; the same Aunt who wouldn’t attend the wedding of a nephew.</p>
<p>Yikes! Hire a lawyer, get it in writing. IMHO if siblings want to get together to do something above and beyond the terms on the will on behalf of a family member who has extreme circumstances that is wonderful and loving. And a terrific legacy for the parents to leave behind. But to cut out one sibling in favor of another, or to invite a legal challenge by making the will impossible to carry out- that seems mean and controlling from beyond the grave.</p>
<p>I know several families where the siblings have banded together to use their share to allow another sibling to stay in the family home, or to decline their inheritance in favor of a special needs situation. (But you need a lawyer to make sure it’s done correctly). So it’s not like a multi-millionaire will be forced to cash a check for 75K or 100K from the estate if he/she doesn’t need it, and believes that another sibling needs it more. But what parent tries to screw with their kids post-mortem?</p>
<p>^^^ HIMom I totally agree. My statement is not a cure for uneven inheritances, but disclosure by the parent, while they are alive, may lessen the blow - even to a millionaire. I should have emphasized that uneven distributions should be avoided at all costs! I am a CPA, banker and have been named executor/successor trustee several times. Estate planning attorneys I have spoken with are unanimous - DON’T DO IT, unless you already have a dysfunctional situation. If not, you have a good chance of creating one!</p>
<p>
If they have a lot of assets, and if they have decent legal advice, this is probably not what they will do. More likely there will be complicated trusts with various beneficiaries. And really, it’s better if everybody understands this in advance. Right now my sister is the executor of my dad’s estate, and I really wish we had understood better how it was set up, because it really didn’t make complete sense any more after the estate tax laws were changed.</p>
<p>“Not sure that would avoid the rupture”</p>
<p>It might not, but one reason it could is that the “disfavored” millionaire child doesn’t get the bad news in the midst of grief. People who would ordinarily have decent judgment and self control can lose it when they’re in terrible pain.</p>
<p>It also might help because the millionaire child is more likely to (correctly) blame the parents for their decision, as opposed to blaming his sibling. Hearing it straight from the parents when they’re of sound mind and body could forestall post-mortem conspiracy theories about how the heir manipulated the parents, faked the will, whatever. Few sibling relationships can survive that.</p>
<p>Unequal inheritances just create bad feelings among sibs generally. If millionaire decides s/he wants to share, so be it, but it can be that person’s largess rather than creating all the ill-will. Really seems to be more pain that it’s worth. So many people equate assets with love–if one kiddo gets more, they were loved more. Doesn’t matter how much it is explained, it’s really tough to overcome beyond the grave and will harm the surviving sibs relationships. Happy if that doesn’t happen, but think it’s pretty rare (unless there are special needs due to disability, handicaps, etc.)</p>
<p>What if the parent did more financially for one kid than the others when alive, should that kid’s share of the estate be adjusted by the amount? I know one client who is doing that to the tune of 6 figures, I don’t know if the kid knows.</p>
<p>You know…the best way to deal with these things is to disburse them WHILE you are alive. That way you KNOW that the stuff is going where you want it to go. If the parents choose to give tons of money to one kid while the parents are still living…so be it. BUT it really will cause hard feelings if stuff is not equitably divided up in the will after death…and the more there is to divide, the more the hard feelings are likely to be. </p>
<p>I had friends who argued about things they didn’t even WANT when their parents died. It was all about the value and the money.</p>
<p>My parents have given us all of the things they want us to have. They are enjoying seeing us use those things. They don’t have much but it gives them great joy.</p>
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<p>Again with the boundary issues with your enmeshed cousins, cobrat. Your cousins have no right to demand <em>anything</em> from you, whether you are wearing an old coat or waltzing around in furs. Why would you think you have to “fool” them, as opposed to simply saying no?</p>
<p>Getting back to another tangent of this thread, I’m glad that both my mother and FIL have shared some information about their finances. </p>
<p>My mother believes in full disclsoure. She insisted on showing me her bank/brokerage statements and discussed her pension income and monthly expenses with both me and my sister. My FIL asked me to be his executor/successor trustee since my wife’s older brother quite frankly is married to a shrew. (I’ve been married to his eldest daughter for 27 years.) He has shared certain information with me. I know which banks/brokerages he uses, that he is up against the FDIC limit at a couple banks (so potential nursing home expenses are not an immediate concern), where the estate documents are, who his attorney is and that the estate is to be shared equally by all of his kids. If you share just this much information, it makes things much easier for the family.</p>
<p>My dad has shared info with my older brother–they’ve been in a professional partnership together for decades now. Brother will be the executor and he is scrupulously fair. My folks have been generous to all of us and always tried to be as fair as possible. I’m pretty sure things will work out OK. Fortunately, none of their kids really NEEDS any inheritance (all are quite comfortable and fiscally responsible) and my folks should be able to provide for any likely medical expenses with liquid assets. We have much to be grateful for. We all encourage them to spend money on themselves and enjoy their good health and travel. They are doing so!</p>
<p>
At the very least, all of this information should be put into one easily accessible document.</p>
<p>My FIL handled all the finances in his family. When he died after having Alzheimer’s for several years (with all the issues leading up to it for a few years), suddenly my MIL had to pick it up from scratch.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, because of FIL’s failing health, he was very disorganized the last few years. It took a lot of effort on my MIL’s part to get everything under control.</p>
<p>One thing she started doing was cold-calling all the brokerages to see if FIL had put any money there. Apparently they were cold-calling him, easily talked him into opening an account, he would mail off a check and , with his mental condition deteriorating, promptly forget about what he had done.</p>
<p>She ultimately located over $30,000 in accounts that she had no paper records on.</p>
<p>Sounds like he cold calling was a VERY good return for her, even though it’s too bad that she had to work so hard to collect that money. I will suggest that my friend do the same. Her husband somehow frittered away 6 or 7 figures and no one can figure out where it went. I wonder if some of it may be in some account that no one knows about.</p>
<p>^That is why I don’t have email delivery of brokerage and bank statements. If I die, then at least H would be getting paperwork quarterly to let him know where I’ve squirreled money.</p>
<p>Pea – what I told my mom is that if she or my dad wind up on Medicaid, there is asset recovery in their state, which means the state can come after the estate to get reimbursed. I specifically addressed the fact that this meant, as things are titled now, I may be required as executor to sell the house my sister lives in and effectively evict her. Mom said she and Dad want her to get the house with as much equity attached to it as possible and are making extra mortgage payments to accomplish this. I told her – this is not in the will. If you want to do that, we need to talk to the atty to figure out the best way to protect that asset. </p>
<p>DH is a former litigator. He is not shy about laying out the issues. ;)</p>
<p>It will take moving heaven and earth to get the will modified.</p>
<p>My folks are mentally competent and still fairly young (72 and 74), but are not sophisticated in these matters. Aside from a small IRA, plus military pension and SS for their lifetimes, the three properties are it. One property has a mortgage, the other two are paid off. The RE market there stinks; houses in the area are taking years to sell with prices in the five digits. </p>
<p>Realistically, I suspect my parents will have to borrow against equity to get cash for nursing expenses when my dad is no longer able to perform those duties (he is a retired surgical nurse and does all home care). This assumes the bank will issue a loan in the first place, because I don’t expect my parents will be able to sell anything quickly enough to cover expenses. Sibs are in no position to help financially.</p>
<p>In my dad’s family, the five surviving kids divided the family estate by six (one died in childhood) and gave the extra 1/6 share to the local sibling who had shouldered the care for their parents.</p>
<p>Sorry to be so OT. It’s good to hear about others’ experiences. Gives me food for thought.</p>
<p>Your folks really need to see a better estate planning attorney. They need to write a letter with their wishes down on a paper. They need to find an attorney who will make it happen rather than put the onus on you. The sooner they can do all of this, the better for everyone involved.</p>
<p>One SURE way for them to get a house for their D the caregiver is to give it to her NOW & hope she & your mom doesn’t need MedicAid for the next 5 years. A GOOD attorney could offer other suggestions that can also help them get closer to what they want, but wonder if they realize the fallout that may occur with the sibs?</p>