<p>I admit that I feel MIL has some obligation to offer help, as that’s what my parents have done and frankly what I plan to do when my kids have kids and if circumstances allow</p>
<p>You don’t qualify for aid which indicates you make at the very least six figures if not more like $200,000 as FAFSA EFC is generally 1/4th to 1/3rd of before tax income.</p>
<p>You say you can only afford to pay $10,000 for schooling & even that will be a stretch, but you think that when you are probably retired you will be able to help your grandkids with their college expenses?</p>
<p>Why would you be able to pay later but not now?</p>
<p>I was about to chime in that you shouldn’t ask for them to contribute their retirement savings (and that you never know about anyone else’s finances), when I got to your posting. </p>
<p>I agree that your response is very gracious.</p>
<p>In some families/cultural traditions, it isn’t just customary…but also socially expected that grandparents…or any other relatives with means contribute to educational expenses of younger relations…especially if said relation showed exceptional academic promise. </p>
<p>In the Chinese cultural tradition of one branch of my family, failing to do so would be considered tantamount to “not valuing education” and thus, be disdained or even socially ostracized by those who do. Moreover, if any relation does this and in the same breath expounds on the importance of education…he/she’d would often be branded as a hypocrite. </p>
<p>On the other hand, this perspective also has severe conditions such as:</p>
<p>Supported younger relation must “pay it back/forward” through supporting other relations in times of financial or other needs for practically the rest of their lives. IMHO, this is probably the most onerous obligation…and one which the supportive relatives can easily guilt trip with. </p>
<p>Such financial support is conditioned on continued good/excellent academic performance. Such support will be cut off if said student turns in a mediocre or failing results. There’s practically no chance of a do-over or second chance if one screwed up the first time. </p>
<p>Supported student won’t engage in any behaviors which will bring shame/infamy on him/herself and the family. An older uncle paid the price for violating this nearly a century ago when he was cut off from the family for being expelled for undergrad hijinks that are tolerated in most US universities except ones like Bob Jones, BYU, or Liberty. </p>
<p>Fortunately, since I received a near-full ride scholly and covered the difference with part-time/summer work…I never had to experienced the above or the OP’s dilemma as the student in question.</p>
<p>^ I agree that in some families there is the concept of grandparents helping with the grandchild’s college, and if one set of grandparents is from this camp, and the other is not, it is easy to fall into a mindset of comparison etc. </p>
<p>In my own experience, money is often a metaphor for more than the money (oh it’s great to pay the bills with it, but…). For example, it is easy to think that people don’t care because they don’t give gifts. However, it may not really be the gift that is the issue, but the lack of caring, attention and love that is the real problem. If everything else in the relationship is good, don’t mess it up with money.</p>
<p>Also, if you have to ask, well, the answer will likely be no, anyway.</p>
<p>In my family … the in-laws have proactively offered to help pay for college … and my parents have offered (or asked if we have college covered) … which sounds very much like the OPs situation. Mom3ToGo and I have discussed this and for our planning we’re looking at how we want to handle any money we have beyound our retirement needs that we are planning to give to our kids in our estate … do we hold on to it until we die … or do we offer it to our kids for major life events while we’re still alive … we’ve decided to offer help to our kids while still alive; we want the money to have a positive impact on their lives while we’re still alive.</p>
<p>beastman - Good luck - I’m sure it’ll all work itself out. </p>
<p>On the job, on-campus jobs work out well also and could bridge the gap you’re foreseeing. Maybe he can check into that if he hasn’t already done so.</p>
<p>My parents have funded about enough for at least one year tuition and room/board at a state university (NJ is not cheap). It has gone much further for our son who did CC and is finishing by commuting to the U. S2 is living at college so one year will be about it. Hubby’s mom probably never thought of it, and even if she had money wouldn’t offer. Hubby himself had to take off a semester his senior year because he didn’t have the $, and that was many moons ago. Don’t think it’s important to her.</p>
<p>My grandparents paid for my cousins colleges, because their dad was too lazy to work. Then my aunt/uncle inherited buckets from his parents. My aunt’s family has sucked any possible inheritance for us out of my granny despite their other inheritance (huge I tell you- one cousin got house in North Jersey!), My granny is very frugal and had plenty put away. Sure wish I could bring myself to ask, though I have hinted in conversations, but she is so old she is probably not even listening.</p>
<p>As for the OP, If hubby’s mom/dad had the $ I would mention that my parents gave me my inheritance (or whatever you want to call it) but it’s a shame that I had to spend it on college and it’s still not enough. Maybe they don’t realize what it costs. Strong hints are how I would go, especially if you KNOW they can afford it. Maybe even ask by saying that you and the kids would appreciate it if they could give you some early inheritance to pay for college. Tell them they should deduct it from the kid’s “share” if they are concerned that other family members would mind. Could be other family members wouldn’t think it was “fair” of them to “give” it to your family (if they don’t have college kids). </p>
<p>Sometimes I get annoyed knowing that my mom helped pay for my kids, while my aunt/uncle (her bother) sent ZERO kids out of 5 to college. Seems like my grandmother could’ve left a higher chunk to those paying for school. But hey, my brothers and I are so much more succeesful than them, and our kids as well. One of my kids cousins was home-schooled and still never got her GED. Have to be smart to home-school successfully.</p>
<p>Ok, so I ranted…sorry. In my family it seems like those who did less for themselves “got” more than those who worked hard (my parents).</p>
<p>My incredibly generous in-laws never offered to put my kids through college and I wouldn’t dream of asking them. If they offered, it would be great. We are doing what you described and managing to avoid loans for our first child (about 8-9 K/year, rest is scholarship $$) It is a struggle, but we are managing. Second child starts next year and will probably get a full ride academically so we are really fortunate and happy to only have the first one to pay for.</p>
<p>Speaking as someone who is having to supplement the grandparents living expenses in addition to paying for the kids college, I wish I had your problem.</p>
<p>Also, if you have to ask, well, the answer will likely be no, anyway.</p>
<p>What drives me crazy is relatives who talk for years about funding things- ( specifically a car) but when the event comes & goes that it originally was intended for, you stop listening. ( first it was for the 16th BD, then high school graduation, then college graduation)
We smile & nod a lot in my family. ( or should I say my H’s family)</p>
<p>Wow, this thread has certainly opened my eyes as to how many younger family members may be casting a gimlet eye on my husband’s and my lifestyle and financial choices when we enter our “golden years”.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure that DS and DD aren’t going to be the type to be expecting us to fund their children’s educations (although if we are able to and it is needed we may, repeat MAY decide to offer), but it just may be that they will marry people who will, as Pizzagirl says, be counting our money.</p>
<p>No kidding. “Can you believe they took that trip to Bora Bora that they’ve always dreamed of when they SHOULD have been offering to pay for Biff’s and Muffy’s tuition? Ok, next week we’re asking for our ‘early’ inheritance before they spend all that money they worked so hard for all those years.”</p>
<p>First, let me say how impressed I am with the OP’s response after listening to the various perspectives on this thread.</p>
<p>I am one who believes MIL should not be asked to contribute toward the tuition for essentially all of the reasons which have been well covered by others. </p>
<p>We pur our own son and grandson (my step-grandson) through college at exactly the same time. We could afford to do it - with sacrifice - and wanted to do it and offered to do it without ever being asked.</p>
<p>What I want to emphasize here is that because grandparents appear to you (or anyone) to be well off and “living in a McMansion” does not mean that you have the whole picture. We planned and saved carefully for our son’s education and our own retirement, and had successful careers. We did not plan to fund our grandson’s education, but for various reasons wanted to do so when the time came. However it did, in fact, require sacrifices and belt-tightening on our parts. This might not have been visible to our family members (nor did we want it to be). People live long years these days and need to husband their resources in order not to be a burden on their adult children. Your MIL may appear affluent, but she may not have “excess” resources beyond what she already gifts to her grandchildren.</p>
<p>In our case, this all happened before the Financial Meltdown we all know and love - so the sacrifices we chose to make in order to help our grandson have become bigger. We don’t regret it or resent it, but we feel it. Now that the Financial Meltdown has occurred, retired individuals really feel the need to plan for possible financial reversals in a way they may not have before. So please don’t assume that their (apparent) financial resources are disposable income and “fun money.”</p>
<p>Thanks beast man for asking this question. Our family has a similar situation and I had considered asking the in laws. This thread has given me a new perspective and has prevented me from making perhaps a irreversible mistake with a relationship that I care deeply about and thankful for the generosity my in law does provide in his own way.</p>