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<p>You’re right. Just thinking about some of this is giving me a headache.</p>
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<p>Exactly. We should count ourselves very fortunate if our parents have the resources to care for themselves. Personally, if they had extra cash, I would want my very frugal parents to enjoy themselves and spend some money of themselves. It is my decision to have kids and put them through college. I shouldn’t expect them to contribute.</p>
<p>"Another, what do you do if only one of your children has kids? You give one child $50K times # of thier college kids for four years and none to other children? "</p>
<p>-Exactly. if only one child worked hard to continue your line, his kids are the ones who get $$. I would pay for my grandkids, if the other set of grandkids do not exist. $50k multiply by zero equals zero as far as math is concerned. I will use math that I know, I will not use math that others are using. The resions we use in decision making are very personal. how anybody can use others’ reasons? If you feel that other kid who did not spend dime and effort to raise their own still deserve to get contribution from you for his zero kids, so be it, give him $$ also, why not if you feel so? After all it is your own money.</p>
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<p>“Continuing the line” wasn’t exactly hard work, if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge. Wink wink. Say no more. 
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<p>We have actively encouraged our folks to enjoy themselves and spend their money. They have been on cruises, attended the SF Opera, and become Premier status with their favorite airlines. We chose the # of kids we could raise AND educate carefully–the bills are on us, not on our folks. Some of my sibs disagree but it makes me & H happy to know my folks are enjoying themselves while they have the finances and great health to do so.</p>
<p>Raising kids to matriculate to college actually IS some work & expense, as most of those on this board know.</p>
<p>On that topic, my grandfather didn’t really know how to enjoy himself, as far as we could tell. He drove a Cadillac and raised his kids in a pretty big apartment, but had zero interest in travel, luxury foods, sports, etc., and certainly no interest in maximizing leisure time – he was at his business all day, every day, until the day he was forced to stop. My grandmother was buying ground beef on sale in her 70s when she could have been on a cruise eating steak. They had no concept of spending money on pleasure for themselves when it could be salted away for the grandchildren’s education. That was the whole purpose of life.</p>
<p>My parents and I are very different, of course, but I have a lot of respect for that immigrant mindset.</p>
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<p>On the news last night, there was some controvercy concerning an ad for seeking young women to donate eggs and surrogate. The ad called it full time job. Some people found that offensive. I do find it mildly offensive. My kid disagreed.</p>
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<p>Not if the grandparents in question made their values regarding funding investment for younger generations clear…including their conditions which may include they’d only support grandchildren who showed “the most academic promise/potential” or “the highest academic achievers” with quantifiable metrics. At least it puts the parents/grandkids on notice that it isn’t an automatic free entitlement for all. </p>
<p>I’m certainly not complaining about the fact grandparents from one side of my family weren’t alive and more importantly…WOULD NOT HAVE funded my undergrad education in light of my abysmal high school academic performance even if they were. Especially considering their standards were such that even some older cousins who were admitted to T-20 elite universities…including a few Ivies didn’t qualify. </p>
<p>Their conditions/standards were clear-cut and there’s no arguing with their reasoning that they would only fund grandkids with “exceedingly high academic promise”. I just viewed it as another scholarship with exceedingly high standards and onerous conditions* and moved on. Considering the conditions/obligations attached…I was actually relieved at not being a recipient. </p>
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<li>I.e. Obligations to provide help to needy relations to pay it back/forward for life.</li>
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<p>I think your logic is very sound…often times “free money” is not “free,” but is just a vehicle for control. </p>
<p>I am an HGTV addict. There is a new show called “Your House, My Money” or something like that. I haven’t gotten to watch it yet, but the commercials show that parents are helping to fund the purchase of a house, and are wanting to direct the process. One mother is shown saying, “If I don’t approve of the house, they are not getting my money.” Children are shown shaking their heads in frustration, one saying “but ultimately, this is our decision, right?” I sympathize, yet…if you accept money from others, you often are surrendering your control. It can be like selling your soul to the devil. Not always by any means, but depending on the family dynamics, it could prove to be a huge mistake in the long run.</p>
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But I have heard of parents who’ll hand their kid the delta in cash, or a car, or a house down payment, or a trip to Europe, etc. between the expensive private the sibling went to and the state U this kid went to - i.e. end up spending the same amount on the kids whether they need it in the same context or not. It seems like a strange concept to me but I’ve read posts on CC of parents who do this.</p>
<p>To the OP: no, you should not ask grandparents to help out 1 to 2K a year. </p>
<p>Wanting the grandparents to foot the bill (1-2 K a year) instead of having your kids take out loans is not acceptable. Just because you want your kids to graduate debt free doesn’t mean you should just get someone else to pony up the difference. </p>
<p>No one knows anyone elses real financial situation. You might think you know…but you don’t. Retirement and medical bills eat up quite a bit of cash.</p>
<p>I think parents should be awfully careful that the giving of money doesn’t come across as playing favorites. If I’m paying the 200K education bill per grandkid for each grandchild of one of my children, but giving the other child nothing because they have no kids, we’d better be talking about that. I don’t think I would do that, unless I explained that it was coming out of their half of the inheritance, or the other child was extremely wealthy (and we’d still talk about it). I wouldn’t want a single hint of favoritism whatsoever.</p>
<p>My parents once gave my sister 2K because she needed to fix her furnace. And decided to give me 2K at the same time to be fair. Was it fair? I didn’t need to fix my furnace. Of course, my sister and her husband had good paying jobs, and my husband had just lost his job, while I was getting ready to lose mine. We needed the money a heck of alot more to pay for health insurance for our little kids. I never would have asked for it, but I really appreciate that they were completely equal in the disbursement, though we didn’t request it, and didn’t even own a furnace.</p>
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People keep saying this, but for some of us, at least, it just isn’t so. In fact, I understand my mother’s real financial situation better than she does. That doesn’t mean that she can’t do what she wants with her own money, of course. But if she explained her financial goals to a competent financial adviser, the adviser would definitely tell her to do things differently from how she is doing them. I find this frustrating, but there is only so much I can do about it.</p>
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<p>In both my and my husband’s family, asking to know everything about their finances would be met with a resounding “that is absolutely none of your business.” They all have wills and plans in place regarding the general state of their affairs in the event of catastrophe, but as of now, we don’t have access to that information. They have basically given us the names of their attorneys, location of wills, etc., but both sides are of sound mind and would be insulted at the prospect of their kids demanding to know the intricate details of their income, assets, etc., much less would they tolerate being told what to do with said assets and income. It may be a matter of age; my parents (and spouses) are late sixties/early seventies and with the exception of one parent, are pretty healthy and still on the ball mentally. DH’s parents are a little older, but are still self sufficient both mentally and physically.</p>
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<p>Depends on the family. Among my sibs, those whose children have passed away would expect a share for that child.</p>
<p>To this day, my mom makes sure that everyone’s gifts are within one dollar of everyone else’s.</p>
<p>My parents just signed a will saying their assets (such as they are, assuming anything is left and/or is not eaten by Medicaid) should be divided equally among the five children. Is this what they want? No. They want me to be executor and have told me they want one sib to get the house she is living in (which my parents bought). This conversation has taken place in the past month since the new will was signed. Their expectation is that <em>I</em> will be the one to get all the sibs to agree to this. Trust me, this will not happen – most of my other sibs are in lousy financial circumstances and need the $$. I have no problem with this sis getting a larger share, as she is the only local sib and is helping my parents out on a daily basis. Of course, if Medicaid becomes involved (and their state has asset recovery), this will mean I get to evict said sister so the estate can pay Medicaid.</p>
<p>My parents are so hung up on being equitable that what is <em>fair</em> gets obscured. All part of their pattern of not wanting to make a decision and living with it, preferring to play the roles of the wronged and being the martyrs. </p>
<p>Both parents are of sound mind and loath to discuss finances. Heck, DH and I were going to see an attorney in their town to help us understand how estate and probate works there, and we needed some general numbers on assets/liabilities and a copy of the will. She surrepetitiously gave me the wills and the info and said, “Don’t let Dad see any of this or let him know that you know anything.”</p>
<p>countingdown’s post makes a good argument for everyone being completely honest and logical. Not telling the kids one thing, but leaving one of the children to clean up the mess. I would be happy to tell my kids all income/asset/debt issues if they were interested.</p>
<p>My parents try VERY hard to provide numerically identical gifts to all kids–$X. All grandkids get $Y for birthdays. For a while, all SILs got aloha shirts of the same brand. This year, they all got checks as well. </p>
<p>For the most part, I think everyone in the family is impressed at how well they have managed to help everyone feel things are pretty fair and equal.</p>
<p>Countingdown,
I also think it’s rotten for the folks to have a will that says the estate is shared equally when the parents tell the executor (family member) that they really want the caregiver child to get the house (if it isn’t consumed by caring for them). That is a bad position to put the executor in–the attorney who drew up the will could and should explain that legally, their will is legally binding and it would be good if that attorney could also explain how difficult and awkward a position they are putting the executor in, as well as the caregiving child. <sigh> Having to evict caregiving D also sounds very unpleasant. These situations are so challenging!</sigh></p>
<p>The last time my father came to town, he handed me a sheet of paper with his investments, bank accounts, monthly income flow from his pensions, etc. listed. It was very appreciated by me!</p>
<p>Don’t think that each grandchild getting the same amount of $$ for birthday gifts (much less an inheritance!) solves anything…when H and I had one more child than his sister, she actually tried to persuade the grandparents that, while her children each received $50 at each birthday, our should receive $33 because it was not “fair.” Eventually she got over it…</p>
<p>Wills can be set up all sorts of ways, but it’s very common for them to provide that assets will descend “per stirpes,” which means that they are divided equally among the families of the immediate children, even if there are different numbers of grandchildren. Thus, if my sister and I die before my mother does, when she dies, my nephew (an only child) would get half of the estate, while my two kids would each get one-fourth.</p>