<p>"if only one child worked hard to continue your line, his kids are the ones who get $$. </p>
<p>“Continuing the line” wasn’t exactly hard work"</p>
<p>-So, raising a child is not a hard work? I thought that it is much harder than any job. Well, apparently, other parents have easy time. or they just had a fun part and left the hard work for somebody else?</p>
<p>"Don’t think that each grandchild getting the same amount of $$ for birthday gifts (much less an inheritance!) solves anything…when H and I had one more child than his sister, she actually tried to persuade the grandparents that, while her children each received $50 at each birthday, our should receive $33 because it was not “fair.” Eventually she got over it… "</p>
<p>-Exactly the mess you get in when asking. The family is to enjoy, have fun, the most presious moments to remember. Fights about money do not fall into these categories, not for me. however, some people cannot live without it. Fighting is the way of life for them. Then, please, enjoy your fighting, your choice, why not?</p>
<p>“if only one child worked hard to continue your line . . . .”</p>
<p>This line bothered me when it first showed up and still does. Having children is not always a choice. I would trade any future inheritance for another child to join my “only” son. And I am positive that my niece would give up any amount of money to provide a 6th grandchild for her parents. Instead she is the favorite aunt to the existing grandchildren and her mother tries to find ways to not appear to show favoritism. My niece doesn’t need money from her parents and doesn’t appear to be the type of person to keep keep a balance sheet to keep track of what her siblings get but my sister does worry.</p>
<p>Sorry, off the original topic.</p>
<p>Perhaps still off-topic, but this discussion makes one point clear: anybody with signficant assets needs to have a will, and you need to carefully consider what you want to happen with your assets. If you die without a will, they will be distributed according to the legal standard, which may not be what you want at all.</p>
<p>To add to what Hunt said: those people with assets should discuss everything openly with all their kids, not just the executor. Don’t force the executor, in the middle of grief, to deliver what some heirs may consider bad news or even a slap in the face. That’s a good way for your legacy to become a big long family fight, even if there isn’t much money at stake. Many sibling relationships have ended over a few hundred dollars.</p>
<p>(Can you tell I’m the executor?)</p>
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<p>Depends as if a given parent has an adult child who happens to be a ne’er do well…such as a gambling/drug addict or financially irresponsible…it may be a better idea to keep out the full financial details from that particular adult child. </p>
<p>I’m already having to do this with one branch of my family because I have some older ne’er do well cousins who’d feel they have a right to demand a condition-free grant if they knew my true financial state. Thankfully, it’s easy to fool them by not participating in conspicuous consumption…like wearing the same winter coat I’ve had since my senior year in high school. </p>
<p>Moreover, sometimes adult children develop entitlement complexes about “money coming to them”…an idea which never made sense to me as IMO…that money is mere fiction until it is actually in your hands.</p>
<p>Another viewpoint. Fair is NOT always equal. My kids (and we parents) never have expected equal gifts from the grandparents. What hurts us is when they give NOTHING to my kids (and believe me, this has happened more than once) but then find it necessary to share with us the DELIGHT the preferred grandchildren got out of the gifts they gave to them. Sorry but that is just plain hurtful. And it’s happened too many times for my taste on one side of this family. My kids would be happy getting $5 in a card. They don’t need to know that their cousins got $500.</p>
<p>Some of the assets I have I only possess because my parents gave me money. I don’t consider those “mine” in quite the same way I view money I’ve earned, and I do feel more of an obligation to pass assets on to my kids in part because my parents did that for me. Clearly, people have different situations and attitudes with respect to money.</p>
<p>I have to agree with Thumper. We have never received nor expected any contributions from grandparents. However, it is frustrating to learn that other grandchildren received significant amounts in contribution. I knew my FIL had helped the 2 oldest grandchildren when they attended college. What I didn’t know until recently was the amount. He gave each grandchild $40,000 for college. I guess I am frustrated that he gave that amount to 2 grandchildren knowing he had 9 grandchildren that would be attending college. Like I said we have never expected any contributions but it is a hard pill to swallow.</p>
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<p>That was a joke. The smiley face and winky face that came after that was meant to tip you off if you didn’t get the joke on its own. Please tell me that I don’t have to explain why continuing the line is not hard work, as compared to raising a child. Because continuing the line does not imply raising a child, it simply implies that one has biologically produced a child. Ahem. 
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<p>And I agree with lotsofquests that comments about “continuing the line” bother me. People do not always choose not to have children, or not to have lots of them. Any financial legacy that the spouse and I leave to our children is not predicated on whether or not they have children of their own, biological or not. It’s also not predicated on whether or not they have an easy or a hard time raising their children, since some of that is luck of the draw. Your feelings and desires may be different, and it is your own choice on how to distribute your money in your will.</p>
<p>Tessa, I wouldn’t even CARE about the other grandchildren getting a large sum of money. What irritates ME is when my MIL TELLS me about it…it’s like she forgets that WE have kids.</p>
<p>Exactly!! I don’t need to know all of the details:) It is frustrating hearing about it. Oh by the way, my kids heard about all the details too. They didn’t say anything about the conversation. I finally asked them if they were upset and they said no! It might be different if they weren’t able to go to their current colleges and if we couldn’t afford to send them:)</p>
<p>I suggested to my folks that they sit down and write a document (perhaps even a letter to all five kids) explaining what they want to do and why, and then to have the attorney turn that into a will that reflects their intent. </p>
<p>What they have now is boilerplate that the atty pulled off the internet and is woefully inadequate. Does not list the real estate properties, says nothing about arrangements for my sister, and mom says the atty never asked them about whether they’d have enough $$ for a nursing home/skilled care or if Medicaid would be down the line.</p>
<p>I’m a relatively knowledgeable layperson and I could see the gaping holes. DH, who has a legal background (but does not do T&E or family law) was appalled.</p>
<p>When my grandmother died, the biggest fight over the estate was over a 5’ diameter brass wall hanging. My aunt was convinced she was getting cheated and my mom was devastated by the accusations. Wound up flipping coins for a lot of stuff. Hooboy, we all heard about it for months afterwards.</p>
<p>I expect there will be a lot of petty nonsense with Mom and Dad’s estate. Noone in our family fights or argues, but I suspect that the lean economic status of most of my siblings will bring out less desirable traits. </p>
<p>What makes it complicated is that caregiver sis got a lot of $$$ support from mom and dad when her first two marriages collapsed, and so I suspect there will be rumblings if she gets a larger piece of the estate so she can hang on to the house. (She will not get it free and clear; Mom and Dad bought it two years ago and sis pays rent, though not enough to cover the full expense. They tried not to let the rest of us know that they had bought the house for my sis, but it didn’t take much to figure out what had transpired.) She’s arguably not the worst off financially, either.</p>
<p>I’m wondering which school is going to be the first to say “funding a college education is a ‘family’ obligation”, and start requiring grandparents to fill out financial aid forms.</p>
<p>"Depends as if a given parent has an adult child who happens to be a ne’er do well…such as a gambling/drug addict or financially irresponsible…it may be a better idea to keep out the full financial details from that particular adult child. "</p>
<p>A good point, though chances are, the executor doesn’t have a close relationship with the ne’er-do-well to ruin.</p>
<p>One set of grandparents here has indicated that they expect the kid to work it out after they die. We have made it mighty clear that we will not participate on a tug of war, and the siblings can have at it without us. And we intend to stick to that. We’ve seen some awful family situations come while estates were being settled. It’s just no our thing.</p>
<p>How many families have one kid who needs a lifetime of help- so many friends with 4 kids in their family have one sibling who never succeeded in caring for themselves.</p>
<p>My parents spent decades helping that one kid, but the last 10-15 years if they send money to that kid for whatever need, they now send a check for the same to the kids who are more responsible. </p>
<p>It is difficult to figure out ‘fair’</p>
<p>The above example of $50 vs $33 grandparent gifts. What if there is a wide variation in ages of grandkids- for the nearly 20 grandkids in my generation, the were born from the 1940s to the 1960s, how was Grandma supposed to give fair gifts?</p>
<p>Even in a group that are within 10-15 years, does Grandpa give all the kids $25 for their birthday in the early years, so then what happens 10 years later? Is is “no fair” that the GC6 gets $100 when she is 5, but GC1 got $10 when she was 5?</p>
<p>Fair can always be looked at from different viewpoints.</p>
<p>If one of my kids needs student loans for grad/professional school, but another does not, and I want to help some day, what do I do? Help both for the same amount?</p>
<p>There was a chapter in the book “The Millionaire Next Door” about adult children who still receive generous gifts and income support from their older parents (“economic outpatient care” was the phrase used). The authors’ study concluded that “economic outpatient care” weakens the financially weak rather than strengthens them in the long run. Something to ponder in relation to this discussion.</p>
<p>“What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is yours” is a great thing to remember when it comes to other family members’ money.</p>
<p>“To add to what Hunt said: those people with assets should discuss everything openly with all their kids”</p>
<p>-personal choice and certainly not mine. No fighting while I am still alive.</p>
<p>Why should there be fighting?
Clarifying intention can save your children hurt and confusion when you aren’t around to explain.
Who wouldn’t want to do that?</p>