is it worth transferring if you have no friends, but everything else is pretty good?

Parents Forum
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<p>That's about it. I'm curious what a parent's perspective would be, since mine aren't too involved. My program is pretty well ranked, the school is relatively cheap, the campus/housing/food is pretty good, and I'm kind of getting some education (as much as I can in freshmen lecture halls, anyway).</p>

<p>However, I am completely socially miserable, and I don't see an obvious solution, since my reputation is now pretty well solidified as a creeper. I was taking some medications for the first two months I was here that messed me up pretty bad, to the point where I couldn't leave my room at times.</p>

<p>Now, I don't really see a point, since people talk about me behind my back and have already formulated their opinion of me. I'm not too interested in extracurriculars here, and I go to a really large state school. I'm definitely feeling lost in the system, and have no interest (or time) to go to the counseling center.</p>

<p>Beyond that, I definitely came with a bad attitude, since this was my last choice out of 9 schools (local state school situation, as you've probably seen before). While everything is nice enough, it definitely wasn't a "match", in the sense that a southern school might have nice weather, but isn't perfect for everyone, especially those who like things a little chillier. (I don't go to a southern school, just using it for demonstration purposes).</p>

<p>The people here also aren't typically those I would hang out with--in fact, not a single one of my friends from high school ended up coming here (they were either all financially well-off enough to afford out of state schools, or financially poor enough to get a lot of financial aid).</p>

<p>What advice would you give me, or your own child, if they came to you with the same concerns? Thanks!</p>

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<p>Since it's a state school, there are probably a lot of students on campus. I doubt the gossip has spread across the entire campus, no matter how insular it may be. Social reasons are not a good way to transfer; to be blunt, why do you think you won't replicate the same behavior at another school? Besides, the problem seems to be you, not the other students. You've already noted personal psychological issues as the root of your current social problems. Get an on-campus or off-campus job if you don't want to join a club. Try to move to another dorm if you want to meet new people and get away from the "gossipers".</p>

3

<p>"
However, I am completely socially miserable, and I don't see an obvious solution, since my reputation is now pretty well solidified as a creeper."</p>

<p>If you were my kid, I'd tell you that more than likely you have an exaggerated idea of how much attention people have been paying to you and how solid your reputation is.</p>

<p>During first semester, most freshmen are still trying to get adjusted, and pay far more attention to their own lives than to anyone else's. </p>

<p>It's also unlikely that there are no people whom you could become friends with, and it's unlikely that there are no ECs that wouldn't interest you.</p>

<p>My advice would be to try some ECs and finish the school year before making a decision about transferring. </p>

<p>The fact that none of your high school friends attend your college isn't important at all. Many people go to colleges where they know no one, and yet make friends. Many people go to colleges where their high school friends go, and they grow apart because as people get older and find new interests often they also move on to new friends.</p>

<p>Also, since you were on medication your first few months that messed you up, you have barely had an opportunity to get to know people or to experience what the campus is really like. You don't have enough info yet to be able to make a thoughtful decision about transferring. Many freshmen don't find their place at a college until toward the end of their first year in college.</p>

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<p>Freshman year is really hard if you do not gel with some people right away. I did not fit in to a school in NC since I was out of state and even up to the end of Soph year was going to transfer. The first semester, the whole campus went home to their hometown football games and left any out of staters behind. Junior year, I ended up joining a coed fraternity that was open to all kinds of personalities and interests.
I would suggest some of the following:
1. I got used to going to the movies by myself and actually liked it. I did not want to miss out on something just because I did not have anyone to go to along with.
2. I started going to church. This was great because college campus churches are usually progressive, different, and a chance to meet new people. I found a great group of not overly religious people who shared a common interest. They also had social gatherings and parties.
3. I went to the open house pot lucks at the International dorm where the students who lived there were also dying to meet a friend.
4. I volunteered in the local town with a group- off and on and also found a volunteer group on campus.
5. I went to a few outings of clubs that were open to everyone at the Student Union. Outdoor clubs with hikes etc.
6. I took a meditation class. You could take a yoga class, join one of the club sports that includes people who have no clue how to play the sport until they joined.
7. Change living situation by moving to a special interest dorm next semester or just a new dorm with new faces.</p>

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<p>Well, I guess the issues regarding my reputation stem from where I live and the special program in which I'm in. I have overheard kids from both talking about me--a lot. In fact, it has gotten to a point where it's an almost daily occurrence. I'm honestly not that bad, but these kids are pretty nasty. My RA actually talks about me too with the guys on my floor, even though she's nice enough to my face.</p>

<p>It just is unpleasant to come home to that, or go to class with that, and though I unfortunately am going to have to drop the program because of this, changing my dorm room isn't an option (for a lot of reasons--trust me on this one). So, even if I made friends outside of these two small subgroups, I'm still going to have to live with it every day. Also, there are a lot of issues with time, in that I have none. My chosen academic course is relatively unique, and the requirements at my school are such that it is hard to manage all my courses, and I will probably have to stay an extra year.</p>

<p>Thanks again for your help icanread and Northstarmom--I'm going to go over the extracurriculars offered to see if there are any interesting ones that aren't too time intensive. I may end up staying; I usually think that I will, but listening to my floormates have a bash session tends to make me ponder transferring again, and it's what spawned this topic.</p>

<p>Edit: Thanks for your suggestions, Futureholds! Hopefully I can work up the courage at some point to try them out!</p>

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<p>From your other posts, I see that you are an artsy person who has been forcing yourself into an investment banker mold. My belief is you'll be happier if you take some art courses and also involve yourself in some arts-related ECs. You'll also probably meet some friends who share your interests.</p>

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<p>Don't conform with the majority (investment bankers wanna-be). That's how you find true friends- people who share interests and passions with you. Bonds are tight when there aren't a lot of people like them out there.</p>

<p>Stick it out- the gossips will eventually subside. Honestly, people don't remember anything from the first semester when they go into middle of the second semester. The year flies! Also, you're in ONE dorm out of many so you can request to change dorms if the gossips truly gets on your nerves.</p>

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<p>You have gotten great suggestions above.
My questions would be whether you are getting enough emotional health support right now. Most colleges have student support centers that offer either individual counseling and/or small support groups.
I agree with the other posters that a fresh start in your housing would make a huge difference. I can't understand why you are stuck in your current dorm...have you met with the residential life administration (whatever it's called on your campus) and shared with them what a terrible situation you are in right now? For starters, your RA should be helping you, not making this worse!</p>

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<p>OP - It's your life. What do you want to do with it?</p>

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<p>At just about this time during my freshman year, thirtysomething years ago, my roommate kicked me out.</p>

<p>At that point, I had not really made any friends because I didn't fit in well on my corridor of future sorority girls, and my roommate -- a very social person who couldn't wait for sorority rush -- wanted to get rid of me so that she could room with another very social soon-to-be-sorority-girl from a different part of the building. I ended up spending the rest of the year rooming with the other girl's former roommate, who was described to me as a social dud.</p>

<p>I agreed to make the change, and it turned out that I got along just fine with the social dud, with whom I was very compatible. I also found several other nice people on the new corridor that I moved to, including three with whom I would share dorm suites in later years. I found my best college friend there, a few rooms down the hall.</p>

<p>The point here is that if you don't get along with the people you were randomly dumped with at the beginning of freshman year, try to get yourself randomly dumped with some other people; you may like them better. It might happen through a room switch (as in my case). But if that's not practical, join something (it's easy to do this at the beginning of the second semester) even if you're not particularly interested in its content, get a job (even if you don't need the money), develop the habit of eating in a different dining hall or at a different time (if your meal plan allows that much flexibility), start attending religious services and activities (if you have even the vaguest affiliation with an organized religion) or find some other way to put different people in your path.</p>

<p>Sometimes you just don't gel with one group of people. You might gel with another.</p>

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<p>I was close to friendless first semster, which isn't surprising....huge state school at which I knew no one, huge lecture classes. By the end of second semester I was having a great time. Look for opportunities to get to know other people one on one. Ideas:
1. Lots of churches have college outreach groups. Lots of them involve church ladies making home cooked meals for the students, so that is a plus even if you don't make life long friends.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Even if you're busy, get a part time job. You may meet folks who aren't in college at all.</p></li>
<li><p>I joined this huge community/university chorus...you had to audition but it wasn't super selective. It gave me a nice release from my course work and I met different people.</p></li>
<li><p>Volunteer for a cause about which you are passionate. Don't worry about whether it will be a "resume builder." It will put in you close contact with like minded people.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>Getting a parttime job on campus can be a wonderful way of meeting people especially if it's in a place where you interact with students such as being on a help desk or working in the checkout station of the library.</p>

<p>Community service also is a wonderful way of meeting people because you immediately do things together and have things to talk about. More than likely, your campus has at least one community service project coming up for the holidays. Get involved with that, and also serve on a committee even if it's the clean-up or set-up committee. Those committees are wonderful ways of meeting people because the students who pitch into help usually are very friendly.</p>

<p>And definitely get involved second semester (as the Dec. holidays approach, activities tend to wind down) with any group that interests you even if it's something you haven't done before. Then, pitch in on committees and in other places where work for the organization is involved. People make their close friendships in organizations by working shoulder to shoulder on projects.</p>

<p>Since you appear to have art talent, organizations probably could use your help making flyers for their events and doing similar things. My son has made lots of friends by using his art talent that way for organizations at his college.</p>

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<p>I agree with the others that said to move to another dorm or living situation. Maybe you can do that after this semester.</p>

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<p>Are you happy with you chosen course of study? Or are you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? (Artsy student into business/engineering curriculum).
If you do enjoy the business/engineering curriculum & your SATs were over 2200/2400 as earlier posted, then MIT may be an option to consider.</p>

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<p>There's another thread here, a few down, that isn't exactly your situation, but there is some good advice on it.</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/603647-how-do-i-make-friends-your-son-daughter.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/603647-how-do-i-make-friends-your-son-daughter.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Thanks for everyone's advice! I really appreciate it, and once finals are over I'll try and put myself out there some more. In terms of housing, I have some needs (none that have played into the social aspect) that required a certain type of housing, and my university really went out of their way to find me it, and they don't free up often, so for the moment, I'm stuck.</p>

<p>About being artsy, though, I'm not actually an artist; I'm just a lot more right-brained than left-brained, thus I tend to excel and enjoy the arts more. However, I have no real direction in them, and if I were to change my major I would spend four years jumping around, trying to figure out what I want to do. I'm doing business mostly to assist with my financial independence and understanding, and I've luckily found that I almost enjoy materials engineering. While I can't deny that I would be much, much happier in the arts, and more likely to find like-minded individuals, I simply can't afford the high school luxury of just taking lots of classes in different areas, since I need to graduate with something worthwhile on my degree.</p>

<p>I'll look into getting a part time job that won't take up too much time--I've worked at a library before, so maybe I'll check that out, as well as volunteer groups that go on trips over breaks. Thanks for your link too, Heron, definitely some suggestions that looked helpful in there! Thanks for the suggestion, ColdWind; MIT was once on my college list, but my gpa wouldn't be up to it--I'm the typical underperforming kid, and I'm sure MIT adcoms would be able to pick up on that.</p>

<p>Again, thanks everyone! I'm feeling somewhat better now that time has passed since the latest incident with my floormates, so I'm not feeling quite as much like I need to get out of here, pronto. I probably will send in some transfer applications, but at the very least, I think I'll be okay for the spring semester. Thanks!</p>

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<p>Hang in there, just an aardvark! You sound like a very intelligent, thoughtful, nice young person. All you need to do is find some way to show that to your classmates, and I think you will have more friends than you know what to do with!</p>

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<p>Don't let the slugs get you down. How low class to gossip. Investment banking types are like sharks, they thrive on making you feel lousy. This is an ultra competitive profession (read Liars Poker by Michael Lewis - the time is back in the day, but the personalities haven't changed.) If you want to do it, you will need to toughen up. It doesn't make sense as to why you can't change dorms, or majors... If it is a big school there have to be some folks that you would like.</p>

<p>One thing that I learned years back was that I may have overlooked some people who could have been good friends, by not being more outgoing myself.</p>

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