<p>My wife and I have 4 children and we have a modest lifestyle, our kids all have cars and phones and we allow them to have these things with certain condition. Either work or be involved with sports or other activities. Our 2nd oldest is graduating and she has played sports all her life (mainly softball), hoping that might help in her being able to attend college. Now that she is being looked at to play at the college level with scholarships, she says she is tired of playing and wants to just go to school locally and get an apartment with some friends (let me remind you she has never had to work and pay her way). She then thinks something is wrong when I tell her that if she has made that financial decision on her own then she will then be responsible for her car payment, insurance, and phone bill. I have tried to explain all the aspects of "means to an end" and "doing what you have to do in order to do what you want to do" but we can't get through to her the opportunity that she is squandering. We really cannot afford to pay for a four year degree for all four children and do not qualify for aid, we can help them get loans but that is essentially it. We cannot afford to take on extra debt, since we still have 2 other children in the home that have to be provided for. So I ask, what next? Any suggestions, ideas, or should I just demand that she play and get over it, she is 18 and will be 19 in October, so legally she can do whatever she wants.</p>
<p>Sounds like you need to have a sit down with some bank statements and numbers. D2 sounds like she needs to understand that you cannot afford to pay for all 4 of them. She needs to add up how much debt she will have when she finishes school with big loans and how much that will cost her to pay off, and compare that with the number of hours she would "work" playing softball and how much that would pay. I'd try to convince her to at least try it for a year. If she hates it, she can quit and pay her way for the rest of the 3 years. But if she passes this opportunity up it may not come back again, and she needs to understand the implications of the choices she makes.</p>
<p>"she ... will be 19 in October, so legally she can do whatever she wants."</p>
<p>Hmm, I think I see the problem here. It appears that both you and your daughter agree that she can do what she wants.</p>
<p>I think you raised the key point at the end of this paragraph. In October she'll be an adult and responsible for herself. You can tell her that she can do whatever she wants to with her life. But you can also tell her you won't be able to afford to send her to a four-year college. I think, though, to be fair you should have the same discussion with all your children. You can do whatever you want in the way of discriminating amongst them in terms of what you give them, but if you do so be aware that you risk seeming -- and in fact being -- really unfair. You don't owe your kids anything, but you do owe them an equal proportion more or less of whatever it is you give them.</p>
<p>I certainly would NOT demand that she play. Playing a sport in college is very hard work, and, if her heart isn't into it, the coaching staff will pick up on it quickly and they will not keep her on the team anyway - they aren't required to continue scholarships all four years. </p>
<p>What's wrong with her going to school locally - as long as she is in school, and as long as she can put together much of the finances to afford it? </p>
<p>Why not have her apply for both options - respond to the recruiting calls and apply as a student athlete to the most promising programs, and meanwhile explore local options? Then she can reevaluate and look at her options come next year....</p>
<p>holla The May 1st deadline has past, has your D already committed to attend a certain college on a softball scholarship?</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>Now that she is being looked at to play at the college level with scholarships, she says she is tired of playing >></p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>I'm going to be the odd man out here....the above sentence jumped out at me. This young lady does NOT want to play baseball in college. In my opinion...that is the end of that discussion. It appears that the baseball playing option is being held as the only option for attending college with parent help. The daughter doesn't want to play ball and is considering a less expensive option. Demanding that this student play a college sport sounds like it just won't work. The reality is, the kid does NOT want to continue to play sports. For scholarship money, only division 1 schools give athletic scholarships. We have known some Div 1 athletes, and truthfully, college was about their sport...not about the academics of college. We know a couple of recruited kids who played for one year and then quit. It wasn't for them. </p>
<p>I think the OP needs to sit down with their student and discuss finances, and what the family can or will be able to contribute towards her college expenses. Even Div 1 students don't get a full free ride all the time.</p>
<p>I guess my questions...if she had played ball, would you have paid for her phone and car expenses? </p>
<p>This girl is trying to come up with a college option that does not involve playing baseball. I think the parents might want to consider working with her to find such an option for her.</p>
<p>It seems like you can help her make her adult decisions by pointing out the details of the various options:</p>
<p>A} If you play at school XYZ, you get so much in scholarships, need so much via loans, etc</p>
<p>B} If you don't play at school, these are your expenses.</p>
<p>If the local school is cheaper is there a big cost difference? </p>
<p>Whether she agrees or not, your offer is your offer- that is what you can do.</p>
<p>Will you pay for the car at the four year school? If so, why not at the two year? Is there a reason you want to steer her away from that option. Is there a 4 year school option without playing sports?</p>
<p>The decision as to what to offer at a 4 year vs a 2 year in order to encourage certain behaviour has to be your call</p>
<p>I really appreciate all of the input. Understand, I am not saying she shouldn't attend the local college. I would be fine with that, but if she does that she thinks she should be able to move into a rent house with 2 other girls instead of living at the doorms or at home. Simple fact is that she is not financially responsible for herself, but if she does this without our consent then we will cut her off financially. If she doesn't play ball, it is okay, but I know that her chances of finishing drastically drop, since she will no longer have the support of tutors and coaches that she has depended on for years.</p>
<p>My 2 cents: I agree with Thumper.
It sounds like she really does not want to play a sport in college. Demanding that she does is not going to work too well.
Attending college locally is a reasonable alternative. Had she received a scholarship, you probably still had to chip in for certain expenses.
So you can offer her that amount, help her get loans, and help her move into an apartment. She will grow up pretty fast once she realizes that the "glamour" of being an independent adult includes doing laundry, cleaning house and paying bills!</p>
<p>Personally I will be delighted the day that I see my kids turn into ** independent, well-adjusted, responsible adults **.</p>
<p>^^not necessarily...being an athlete in college requires such a huge time and energy commitment...</p>
<p>It sounds like there is a control issue here, as well as a financial one. The OP sounds as if its "my way or the highway."
I agree with posters that college sports is a huge commitment of time and energy and that if a student's heart is not in it, coaches will drop the student.
If the OP's D were to attend the local college, would it be possible to reduce costs by having her live at home and commute? Could she hold a job (now that she won't be playing sports) that will give her some income? Does it have to be all or nothing?</p>
<p>The problem started about a month ago when we found out from her coach that she had turned down offers already, and never bothered to say anything to us. They were to smaller schools and not to where she really wants to go. If she have been offered the opportunity to play at the D1 level she would have done it, but since only (in her words) Junior Colleges were making offers she doesn't want to play. I love my daughter but she has got to come down to reality, you do not turn down free money!!!!!!! I do not care what the argument is, that is insane in my eyes. The problem is that we have made her life too easy, she has never had to struggle, and if she decides to go on her own, she will struggle her butt off. Someone else stated it earlier what I have been trying to explain to her, give it a year, then if you don't want to do it anymore, fine, at least you made the most of an opportunity that most kids do not get!</p>
<p>Tuitionsaver,</p>
<p>You are absolutely right. She will grow up quickly, and then maybe she will see that it is not all that much fun all the time being an adult.</p>
<p>If I am paying for it then it is "my way or the highway". It would be different if she were to make any effort in applying for scholarships, she hasn't, we filled out applications for the ones that she did get. She is just expecting to go to college, and expecting that Mommy and Daddy are paying for it. Sorry if I sound harsh, but when her decisions affect the family finances, then yes, it is going to be "my wife and my way or the highway"</p>
<p>
[quote]
Sorry if I sound harsh, but when her decisions affect the family finances, then yes, it is going to be "my wife and my way or the highway"
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Okay, but you don't have to put it like that. You can just tell her nicely what you are able to do and what you aren't. Apparently, she doesn't want to play sports anymore, so let her not play sports (as if you had a choice). Make that question entirely separate in your talks with her about the question of how her college is getting funded. Cool off, apologize for blowing up if you have already about what she did before, and tell her it's her life and you will morally support the decisions she makes (within reason), but that you can't be expected to financially support those decisions beyond a certain point. Let the decision be entirely hers. Let her know what her real options are. She may decide it's not a bad thing to play sports after all.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>she thinks she should be able to move into a rent house with 2 other girls instead of living at the doorms or at home. Simple fact is that she is not financially responsible for herself, but if she does this without our consent then we will cut her off financially.>></p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Many students live off campus, not on campus...depending on the school. </p>
<p>It's beginning to sound like you absolutely will not support your daughter's college education UNLESS she plays baseball...and she does not want to do that.</p>
<p>Of course, this is your family decision. BUT personally I think there are other ways to skin this cat. What would your out of pocket costs have been at the baseball schools? What is the cost (including the apartment...she would have needed housing at these other schools...correct?) of the current college plan? What is the difference? </p>
<p>Was she getting a totally free ride at the baseball schools (doubtful) or would you have had a contribution? Would you be willing to make the same contribution regardless of the college choice?</p>
<p>And lastly...you daughter does NOT want to play baseball. Why would you force her to do so?? I'm sorry....but it's not all about the money (and yes, I do understand that there was some money attached to the baseball issue)...but if you kid really doesn't want to play ball, and you are holding that over her head, you might want to think a bit about that. What amount ARE you able to contribute to her college education? Start there and formulate a plan.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>They were to smaller schools and not to where she really wants to go.>></p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>In addition to not wanting to play ball...she also doesn't want to attend these schools. Please...help her come up with a different plan instead of trying to force something that isn't really going to work.</p>
<p>But athletic money isn't "free money". Being an athlete in college is very hard work and there are many, many demands on time, physical resources, etc. There are NCAA rules about how much time a student can be required to dedicate to their sports but somehow that time can become very elastic, which in turn can compromise GPA, social life, and other college opportunities. The coaching staff literally owns the athlete. Then there are health issues to consider as well - my daughter once said to me "my coaches don't care anything at all about my long term health. They are using my body for four years to win medals, and if I get hurt, they patch me back up as quickly as possible so I can go out there and win again..."...the cost of a sports injury, over time, can far exceed whatever athletic scholarship money was initially paid... </p>
<p>I think there are two separate issues here - one is financial; the other is the issue of where - or IF - to play a sport - in college. If she doesn't want to play at certain levels or for certainly colleges; so be it; since doing so requires a huge amount of personal motivation, the decision really has to be hers. </p>
<p>As to the rest of it, I think that is a separate matter...</p>
<p>Final emphasis, being an athlete in college vs. in high school are very, very different situations. College is far more demanding, and it's not warm, fuzzy, and supportive like high school - it's produce, and the athlete is held VERY accountable for performance; failure to perform will result in cancellation of scholarship, etc.</p>
<p>
[quote]
we filled out applications for the ones that she did get.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It seems to me the disagreement over your D's future is of longer date. Did you discuss then what your financial situation was? what her academic options were? What would she be doing after she graduated from junior college? What kind of preparation for life she would be getting there as opposed to a four-year college?
EDIT: Agree with both Thumper and Latetoschool.</p>
<p>I'd suggest that you sit down and run some figures with her. Ultimately, what you are saying is that to be fair to the rest of the family, you cannot afford to pay her way without scholarship assistance. (Personally, I'm blown away by the fact that you apparently pay for cars and phones for 4 kids! But that's another issue.) It would seem reasonable to tell her that either she can: A) give an athletic scholarship a shot for at least one year, and then you and she can reassess the situation, or B) live at home and have a part time job for a year and after that you and she can reassess the situation. Another alternative would be to give her a $ figure that you are willing to contribute, and let her figure out how she would like to come up with the rest: scholarships, loans, work, etc.</p>