Is my personal statement okay? Any suggestions or advice?

UC Essay Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

          I was born in a world that sheltered me from the horrors and hardships faced in other parts of the world. Growing up in a good community, the people that surrounded me were innocent, intelligent, and mostly happy. Also born into a Christian family, I had the luxury of being around people who were good, humble, and almost always made the right decisions. My life was like an endless trip to happiness until the winter of my freshman year in high school when my trip came to a stop and I was encompassed by darkness. One by one, the people around me started to suffer and pass away.

          That winter, I attended my grandmother’s funeral at Walnut church. She passed away a week ago due to cancer. Before she was diagnosed, she was always cheerful and looked healthy. After being diagnosed, the color in her cheeks started to fade, her body began to shrink, and she had a harder time trying to be cheerful. Her body kept deteriorating until it could no longer handle the pain and gave up. After the funeral ceremony, I went out to the courtyard where my friend, Darren, was. I had a short conversation with him and we joked and laughed a bit. The next day felt like a bullet piercing through my heart and soul. Not even recovering from my grandmother’s death, I received the news of Darren being diagnosed with brain cancer. I just did not understand. He was only 17 and barely began his journey of life. For about a year, Darren fought hard against cancer going through chemotherapy, taking loads of medications and shots, and receiving surgeries. Even through these tough times, he endured the pain, had hope, and always kept a smile on his face. 

          Darren and my grandmother were immensely important to me. Watching them suffer and die from this detrimental disease hurt me for I could not do anything but pray. I desire to become a doctor or someone who studies medicine to discover an actual cure for cancer. Many people have suffered and are suffering from this disease. Darren, who was always optimistic, made me realize that I should be content with what I have and not complain about the things I do not have. I have a goal in life and that goal was inspired by people who touched my heart and motivated me to lead a meaningful life, a life where I can make a difference in someone else’s life. 

i would suggest you transition into you wanting to become a doctor a bit better. the ending is also somewhat abrupt and cheesy, but overall not bad!

A few things – I’d get rid of sentence 3 since the rest of the story has nothing to do with being humble or making good decisions. (And it is odd that you are suggesting these are Christian traits.) The last sentence of the first paragraph “One by one…” led me to believe that many people are going to die, not just two.
In the first sentence of paragraph 2, it appears that your grandmas’ funeral was a while ago in the winter but then you say she just died a week ago. Also in paragraph 2, was the day like a bullet or was the bad news about Darren like a bullet? Probably the latter. Then about your interest in being a doctor, do you have any interest in or talent for studying for that? You might want to link your aspirations to your skills.
In general, work on tightening this up…

Your essay doesn’t say anything special about you as an applicant. Lots of us grieve the lost of loved ones. It’s not clear from this essay that your grieving actually informed your choice to be a doctor - as Cheddar mentioned, you need to shore that up.

Also: your first paragraph makes it sound as though only Christians are good people. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re going for, but that’s the implication. Be careful - admissions officers are a liberal bunch, and statements like this will burn you.

The “bullet” analogy is contrived and cliche. Get rid of it.

I’m sorry to be harsh here - I read essays professionally, and want you to hear honest feedback. Consider scrapping this entirely. Many former admissions officers consider grieving to be too heavy a topic to deal with in a mere 650 words, and inappropriate subject matter for an admissions essay.

Please do not post any future essays online. Please heed the suggestions and warnings at the top of the forum. I also agree you need to start over. This essay doesn’t seem about you, it is focused on other people too much. And wanting to be a doctor after telling stories of death is very pat. Stronger is what you have done to prepare yourself for that kind of career.

I am in no position to say anything, but I feel like you focused a bit much on your grandma and your friend instead of you. I would’ve liked to read a bit more about you as a character overall, not your emotional reactions to an event.