<p>I personally do not think it is very strong.</p>
<p>1 - I think any references to how pretty the campus is or how nice you find the dorms is wasted ink. You need to talk about why the campus is an <em>academic</em> fit for you. What special programs unique to the college can you mention? A specific professor you want to study with? A debate club at the college? Any aspect of how your major in constructed? Do your research… WHY is it a good academic fit? Dig deep.</p>
<p>2 - Use paragraph breaks in your essay</p>
<p>3 - Fairly limited facility with English… grammar problems and not very elegant phrasing. If English is not your first language, that makes it somewhat better… but you need to sit down with a native-speaker/writer to help you iron out the most awkward phrases.</p>
<p>4 - Do not do not do not place the motivation to study on “I know I will study harder if I am at YOUR university.” That’s terrible for an essay because it puts the responsibility of your study-habits outside of yourself. You need to own your study habits and frankly, you should be studying as hard at Podunk University or Elites-R-Us University. Excelling regardless of which uni you are at shows maturity. However, stating that you will “Academically, this school will challenge me to study more and work harder to achieve the GPA I need.” is a big red flag.</p>
<p>5 - Never ever never ever say “I want to go to YOUR university because it is prestigious.” That is a shallow reason, and while everyone might secretly think it, it is not an impressive statement on a transfer essay.</p>
<p>6 - When you talk about the Poly Sci dept, don’t generalize by simply saying “It is better.” Use specifics. Does it offer a lot more Political Theory classes and you are interested in it as a sub-specialty? Etc.</p>
<p>Hope that helps.</p>