Is there a way back?

Graduate School
1

<p>Here comes an extremely long-winded post, the gist of which is that I want your advice. The more decisive you are, the more grateful I'll be for your contribution. I'm counting on the assistance of strangers to brainstorm here. My own mind has more or less melted down going over and over this, and my network of personal friends and relationships is also frayed (as in, the next person I ask for advice will probably be the next person to unfriend me). </p>

<p>First, a bit of biography. Well, to be honest, every bit as much biography as I think I can squeeze in without boring you to tears.
Traits:
- I'm imaginative, truth-loving, introverted (like people but they tire me out), unspontaneous (have to be dragged into trying new things, very slow to make new friends, always return to what's safe and familiar), aural, and more than a little lazy.
- Myers-Briggs has me as an INTP(/J; a secret ambition of people listening to me), which, though the thing mostly tells you what you want to think about yourself, seems to fit.
- I have a high IQ, whatever that means. The 140 neighborhood. Decidedly subgenius but learn with ease when I've a mind to, and struggle to communicate with the average person. </p>

<p>Story:
- In high school, I underachieved (for me and my context, that meant a GPA of about 3.5) and did a few interesting things, never quite to the level of impressiveness. My hobbies and activities were composing and arranging music, playing instruments in the band and orchestra, conducting when teachers asked me to, being awkward, and acing standardized tests without much preparation.
- I went to the University of Oklahoma (for a scholarship, in case you're asking), earned degrees in Neuroscience and Music Composition, GPA of 3.7 and did research for 6 semesters and 2 summers in a lab studying the spinal cord. Just an honors thesis, no real publications. Played 8 semesters in the symphony and a few other ensembles, gradually petered out and died as a composer, hung out with the other smart and weird people in town.
- I spent a year at home, unemployed except for substitute teaching, confused, depressed, and miserable.
- Now, I test software for a large, little-known, Fortune 500 company. I'm trying to rebuild my mind, curtail my excessive reflection habit, and not think about what a huge letdown adulthood has turned out to be. </p>

<p>And now, the problem.
- I want to get to work on something. No, I NEED to. I spent the entire first 24 years of my life imagining that all I needed to do was be a little brilliant and a little interesting, and the road to contribution and fulfillment would reveal itself to me. This was a huge error. I did nothing. Nobody wants to take a chance on you if you haven't proven you can get stuff DONE.
- But I don't know what to get to work on. Music is a bust; every attempt to reignite my musical voice has ended in failure. Neuroscience was fun and stimulating, but there are two problems: 1. I never displayed any real talent at it. 2. The field is a slow-motion trainwreck economically because it attracts abundant human interest and has no industrial applicability. (What IS it about people? We love who doesn't love us, delight in what kills us, and are bored to tears by the practical arts and sciences that make our comfortable existence possible.)</p>

<p>Some possible jumping-off points:
- Much of what I do with my time I'm ashamed to account for. (I've made an appointment with a counselor specializing in motivation among potential high-performers. I think I have the right attitude. Hopefully, I can keep from screwing things up for once in my life.)
- There's a little bit I'm not ashamed to account for, and here it is: I design imaginary city-states, writing articles about various facets of their governance and economics, drawing maps and flags, and composing national anthems for each of them. I keep up with my viola, and have remained good enough to play chamber repertoire. I read the news every day, and try to remain aware of current developments in science particularly. I'm in the midst of a bit of an "organization renaissance" brought about by discovering what Outlook calendar can do, and spurred on by the pleasure taken in eliminating unhelpful physical clutter.
- I got into UVA Biology PhD program, and am being considered as a Jefferson scholar there. I don't think I want to go. But aaaagh I don't know.
- I have applied to three engineering master's programs, including a "safe"(r) one. So maybe that will turn out to be an option for me. </p>

<p>Goal:
- Learn how to DO something, useful definitely, impressive maybe, taking advantage of my talents hopefully. I don't think software testing is it. Maybe school is a good way to start making it happen, maybe it's exactly the opposite. I think I need to stop <em>entertaining</em> multiple interests, and start <em>focusing</em> on one. </p>

<p>Plea:
- Please tell me if there is a way back, and what you would recommend to start following it.
- Be specific. Don't tell me "only you know which is right for you." Fact is, I don't. I've failed that test. Tell me what you'd pick. That is much more helpful somehow; it gives me a concrete imagining to react to.
- I know this is selfish. I know I offer little in return. I'm counting on finding people who enjoy this sort of thing. If I can do anything reciprocally helpful over the vast expanse of the internet, don't hesitate to ask for it.</p>

2

<p>A few points:</p>

<p>-IQ has little to do with success in graduate school. Nearly everyone who makes it to grad school in the first place is very intelligent; yet, only 50% finish with the PhD. The reason is that it’s a marathon, and not a sprint. It’s more of a test of perseverance and desire than intelligence. There are many intelligent people who have a variety of jobs requiring a bachelor’s or maybe a master’s.</p>

<p>-You ARE currently working on something. You test software for a living. You are working on producing something that has real-world value to hundreds of thousands or millions of customers. But if your goal is to do something useful, that produces practical value, then a PhD in biology is probably not the way you want to go. First of all, the field is glutted, so good luck getting a job afterwards. But in the middle, you’ll spend 5-6 years studying a tiny, narrow part of your field. For 2-3 years of that you will be working on a large project that very few people will read. You may turn it into a series of publications, especially if you are going into academic research, but mostly other scientists will read that. Some biologists go into industry, but as I understand it there are fewer options for that than if you were studying physics, chemistry, or engineering.</p>

<p>Graduate school is not a good way to discover what you like. It is not a good place to figure yourself out, let the light lead you to a path, or any of those other things that you think are going to happen when you’re 22 and fresh out of college. The purpose is narrow, targeted training in a specific field that has a specific purpose - training you as a researcher, in the case of a PhD. There is no room for exploration and finding yourself; you take classes that teach you what you need to know or how to do what you want to do, and then you do it. The only degrees that allow that kind of exploration are degrees that probably aren’t worth the money anyway.</p>

<p>The problem is, there is no epiphany that happens, no “AHA” moment where you figure out what your life’s calling is, no bright light that leads you to the path you need to be on. Life is a series of developments in which you slowly realize what you like to do, and then over time, that changes, so sometimes you need to change, too. Maybe for 15 years you like teaching, so you teach, but then you get bored but realize that you love counseling people, so you get an MSW and do social work, and you like that kind of but not so much, so you go to teaching social work, which you like better and find that you’re not bored anymore, and so on. Or maybe you get a BS in chemistry but realize you really want to write, so you work as a chem technician by day and write novels at night for fun. And then one day you get a job as a technical writer and that suits you better. You know? Very few people just plop themselves into exactly what they want to do some point between 22 and 25 and just feel 100% fulfilled. And even the perfect job won’t leave you feeling 100% fulfilled - you’ll find fulfillment in other places.</p>

<p>So it sounds like you are bored with software testing and want to do something else, but you’re not really sure what. Join millions of other 20somethings who are bored with their first or second job out of college. Your next step is to figure out what you want. DON’T go to that PhD program unless you are at least 95% sure that you want a research career in biological/biomedical research and this program is going to help you get there. If you don’t know what you want to do, set up some informational interviews with people who have interesting jobs and ask them what they like about their work, what they dislike, and how they got to where they got. Buy a copy of “What Color is Your Parachute?” and do the exercises. Do career inventories. Volunteer a bit and spend some time reflecting on what you like to do. Do some self-reflection, and think about what you like about software testing and what you dislike.</p>

<p>But for the love of God don’t just traipse off to grad school because you are confused and a bit bored and want to “work on something.” There are a multiplicity of ways to work on something that don’t involve 5-6 years of grueling work for low pay and uncertain outcomes at the end.</p>

3

<p>OP, I just want to echo what Juilet said and also mention it sounds like you’re always comparing how you measure up to others (perhaps you have friends who are more successful). That’s never going to change. Once you get to what you see as the next level, you’ll make new friends who are more successful yet. You have to investigate what fulfills and satisfies yourself enough that you can quit the dogged pursuit of trying to be on top.</p>

4

<p>I think your previous expectations just did not line up with reality. High IQ alone isn’t going to drop success into your lap. Now that you’ve realized this, you are trying to Choose Your Career and Start Working On It Now.</p>

<p>Don’t agonize about picking the perfect career path that will completely fulfill you. You will just end up wasting a lot of time floundering and not getting anywhere. Reflection is fine, but based on your post you seem all over the place- music to neuroscience to city-states to organizing your Outlook… this is the info you provided to us, but listing your varied interests is not how to choose a career. </p>

<p>You can still keep up with music as a hobby (as you are doing now) and can continue to read about neuro if it interests you. You can have an interest without it being part of your job. You can get fulfilllment from other areas in your life as well.<br>
(Juilliet said it very well in her paragraph starting with “The problem is…”). </p>

<p>What do you like/not like about your current job? About your thesis work? Etc. What do you want from a career? What lifestyle is important to you? Etc etc. There are many resources available to guide you to ask the right questions. And if you think you want to do a major life change (like quit your software job to do a Bio PhD), wouldn’t it be better to do a smaller step (like work in a lab or take a neuro class) instead of starting a PhD program you aren’t even sure about? </p>

<p>If you don’t have a burning desire to go back to school for ________, then don’t.</p>