<p>It’s a great essay; yet, it’s very broad. You cover a lot of ground and that can sometimes navigate the reader or admissions away from getting to the point you’re trying to make. PERSONALLY, I think that you should focus on a specific moment that you could tie this essay together. For example:</p>
<p>“I took trips from coast to coast to see different life styles and different mind sets. I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York.”</p>
<p>Why not write about a specific trip you took which opened your eyes to the outer world, a world which you wish to be a part of? You can sprinkle interesting facts about yourself that are in your original essay yet that will stick to this topic. </p>
<p>Keep it going though! You’re on the right track, it took me many revisions to get towards mine. </p>
<p>Good luck, hoping to see more. :)</p>