<p>I want to throw out my opinion:</p>
<p>College essays NEED to be a narrative. They have to be concise, they have to immediately be to the point, and they have to be edgy while retaining their uniqueness. </p>
<p>I think you should start a new essay from scratch. </p>
<p>Think of how many students are writing that same essay.</p>
<p>My GPA wasn’t that great, yet I still got into some very, very good schools. I swear it was my essay.</p>
<p>I wrote about Radio Controlled Cars. I wrote about the profound impact these simple, yet complicated machines had on my passion as a person and human. About where this passion comes from, about how it drives me, about how it helps me explore everything. Yet mostly, about how it makes me different.
On one of my other essays I wrote about theoretical physics.</p>
<p>The admissions staff don’t want to hear about your problems, they don’t want to hear about how hard it was for you to grow up. Because will that negative drive help you become a great academic? Hell no.</p>
<p>Teenagers are lost in a broad sense. That is what your displaying here. </p>
<p>The admissions staff know teenagers are mostly lost. That doesn’t need to be explained in an essay.</p>
<p>They want academics who have a passion of some sort which can get them somewhere. </p>
<p>Talk about what your passionate about and some of the edgy things you have done with regards to your passion.</p>
<p>If you want the best possible essay, you need a passion to write about.</p>
<p>Steve</p>