<p>If this essay is for the UCs as thefakaru guessed, it is too long. There is not much word count left for the second essay. Having one essay much longer than the other is probably not good.</p>
<p>Lots of information in the essay should already be on the college application. Just a few examples:
“I have a mother and a father who raised me in an upper middle class suburban area.”
There is a section on the college app about your parents.</p>
<p>“Coming from a working class family they had to maintain my living expenses, so I could not ask them for much more.”
There are very few high school students whose living expenses are not provided by their parents.</p>
<p>“I started volunteering at the hospital, learning centers, and schools.”
There is a section on the college app about ECs.</p>
<p>The essays give you an opportunity to distinguish yourself more, not to state the obvious. Perhaps you should try another topic or do the same topic with another angle. Cut down on words that have no substance, that don’t make the reader want to read more, that don’t provide new insights about you.</p>
<p>My son who applied last year also wrote an essay about dreams/aspirations to go to college. I think it is a difficult topic to do well on. Another student in his school wrote an essay about her move from Taiwan when she was young, it brought me to tears. I read many essays last year and most of them went through many revisions.</p>
<p>Keep trying and good luck.</p>