Is this an 11-12?

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1

<p>Hi, I wrote an essay, and was wondering whether anyone could critique it, and give me a score, and/or something to improve. If you have an essay or something we can peer review or something, in exchange.</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
There are those who believe that everything we do is inspired by the desire for power in its various forms. They maintain that our actions are nothing but expressions of a striving for power. In this view, even when we act kindly toward other people, we are motivated, whether we know it or not, by a desire to have some control over their lives, for our act of kindness puts them partially in our power.
Adapted from Leszek Kolakowski, Freedom, Fame, Lying, and Betrayal: Essays on Everyday Life</p>

<p>Are people's actions motivated primarily by a desire for power over others?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code> Wealth, fame, and influence all have the same common denominator- power. Power enables us to control ourselves, control others, and most importantly, the situation. It is our prime goal to attain as much power as possible, as this will enable us to lead stable lives. Our drive to acquire power is, as a result, reflected in our actions.

Take the example of Animal Farm by George Orwell. The novel centers around the lives of animals who run a farm without human aid. After a rebellion that ousts the human owners of the farm, an erudite yet shady boar named Napoleon comes into power. As the novel progresses, Napoleon uses Stalinist tactics, such as the murder of rivals, purges, and propaganda to maintain order upon the farm through fear. Napoleon performs these actions so that he can continue to rule as a dictator over the other animals. The governmental aspect of current day society (especially socialist institutions), carries out taks that enable them to continue to reign over their nation.

A similar situation is exhibited in the novel In Dubious Battle by John Steinbeck. The novel focuses on apple pickers in Central California during the Great Depression. The workers wanted to strike for higher wages, but lacked a true leader who would enable them to do so. The Bolshevik protagonists of the story, Jim and Marc, improve the quality of life among the apple pickers by repeatedly inciting successful strikes. Their kind acts allowed them to gain respect from the workers. Consequently, Jim and Marc became leaders of the apple pickers' revolution.This work of historical fiction suggests that even kind acts towards others are motivated by a desire to have control over another person's life.

The literary masterpiece Moby-Dick by Herman Melville also harbors the same concept. The novel is about a distinguished whaler captain named Ahab. Captain Ahab loses the respect of his former crew after his his leg is devoured by the ferocious whale, Moby Dick. Ahab, though crippled, commandeers a new crew and pursues Moby Dick, finally killing him. Ahab wishes to take revenge on a negligent beast simply so that dignity can be restoed to his name and he can continue to maintain power over his crew. The novel suggests that one can (re)gain power by taking action of redeeming oneself.

The ultimate aim for a member of current day society is to gain as much power as possible. This power will enable him to inch closer to a stable and ideal life. Consequently, all our actions, regardless of intent, are laced with the desire for power.
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2

<p>I’d give it an 11. add more details/ elaborate on your examples as to how it is related to the thesis.</p>

3

<p>9/10, keep up the good work!</p>

4

<p>10-11</p>

<p>-Instead of using 3 literary examples, use 2 literary and 1 historical
-Transition into your examples better. End the first paragraph with something like “This phenomenon can be seen in both literature and history.”
-Refer back to your examples in the conclusion
-Qualify your thesis in the conclusion. “There are instances in which peoples’ actions are motivated by other factors such as love, loyalty, etc. However, most actions are primarily motivated by power.”</p>

5

<p>9.5</p>

<p>I’m so sick of the typical five paragraph essays with an intro, 3 body paragraphs each with one text, and a conclusion that only summarizes. You also have a lack of proper analysis (you presented the examples, outlined the plot, but had at most a line or two relating each example back to your thesis). Your evidence wasn’t the best (I think you could do better with a historical or anecdotal example). Your overall argument had some holes that were never adressed (from your Steinbeck example, it seemed as if the two characters gained power inadvertenly-how does that play into things?). And I disagree with what you were arguing as a whole (although that really didn’t factor into your score).</p>

6

<p>I think you’re definitely in the 10-12 range. There are some problems, but when I look back at my 12 essays I am shocked at how poor they seem in retrospect.</p>

<p>GammaGrozza does raise a valid point, though. I’d try to spend less time summarizing plots and more time explaining how the plots relate back to your thesis. As it is now, you spend 4-5 sentences summarizing what happened and only one sentence explaining how it proves your point.</p>

<p>Content aside, I think your writing style is very nice.</p>

7

<p>I would give it a 10 or an 11.</p>

8

<p>@GammaGrozza</p>

<p>So you are saying, in short, that I should shorten the plot/context, and instead focus on filling in holes in argumentative explanation?</p>

9

<p>It’s a good idea to only have 1-2 sentences outline the plot of the story and then have the rest of the paragraph focus on the argument. Honestly though the readers read the first and last paragraphs much more closely than any of the body.</p>

10

<p>@jamesford</p>

<p>earlier, you said to use two literary and one historical. for historical, what could I use? There are two many overused people in history (Like Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc.) and I have already mentioned a literary example that mentions dictatorship. Do you know of any historical example that is not common, yet that fits the topic?</p>

11

<p>Well I used Harriet Tubman as an example for an essay and I got a 12, so I wouldn’t worry too much about using “cliched” figures.</p>

<p>For this topic, Qin Shi Huangdi comes to mind. When looking for a historical example that isn’t trite, think of a famous figure, then think of a less well known figure often associated with the more famous person. Example:</p>

<p>Hitler —> Mussolini</p>