<p>The xxx on campus further proved me right as I saw that it was a place where my mind can develop and where I would be able to know who I am, rather than just add a degree to my r</p>
<p>It’s OK to have a few cliched phrases in an essay, I think, as long as the essay in its entirety is very personal to you. But yeah, I think the whole concepts of “seeing” something on campus that will “develop your mind” and help you “know who you are” are a little vague and generic. How specifically will your mind develop? What insight about yourself will you gain? Just be a little more specific…</p>
<p>At the very least get rid of “that” . Also not so sure about “proved me right”. Also extremely long run- on sentence???</p>
<p>Too generic. Thousands of applicants can write the same thing. You will not stand out, believe me. And it really doesn’t say anything about you. Sorry.</p>
<p>Agree w one more. Not the most interesting sentence</p>
<p>You can get away with an essay like that based on your other application data and what school’s you’re applying too.</p>
<p>Honestly, it sounds like you’re a little full of yourself.</p>
<p>A university’s preferred student won’t be applying to "just add a degree to [his/her] r</p>