Is this really how the FA process works?

<p>Wow, thanks for everyone’s input. Coming here really helps.</p>

<p>I talked to my wife about it this evening briefly. The whole ‘sit down and explain the option lunch’ is kind of what I want to do, but while my wife agrees that we can take her with us, she knows her mom well and states that she would not want to go OOS.</p>

<p>I’m not insinuating that she can’t take care of herself or needs looking after, but she won’t exactly be getting in better health over the next several years (she just happen to go to the doctor today too because she has a cold). She does have signs of age like high blood pressure (medicated). She’ll need someone. She would feel alone (although she already does since H has been gone). She’s ALWAYS had someone around her, someone with her. My wife lived at home with her during her whole time in college because where she went was close enough.</p>

<p>I think deciding where I go to college for the next few years is a big decision, financially and family-wise, so I wouldn’t be embarrassed or worried about trying not to offend her by asking her to do something like that. As soon as her cold is away my wife and I have agreed to sit and talk to her about it all. It’s just a drag because Bama is a great school, even more so that it would be at no cost to me.</p>

<p>kelsmom, thanks, that helps. A LOT. I would be taking my education seriously and in the end (if nothing changes) that is what I will need to do for the fam: choose what WILL work. Decision time is getting really close too.</p>

<p>You all have been great to lend advice. Thanks again.</p>

<p>Well, this sounds like it could all work out. I think I understand it. Your wife is an only child and she’s always had a very close relationship with her parents (now mom surviving). It’s not unusual in these cases for widow and child to always live within a close distance or the same household. </p>

<p>Mom may be saying that she won’t want to move as a way to influence that you go to school locally. But, if you decide to go to Bama or some other school that is a distance away and she realizes her D will be going too, she’ll probably change her mind rather quickly. </p>

<p>She may NOT change her mind during the conversation. She may not change her mind for a few weeks. At first, she may think that you’re bluffing or that her D won’t go if she doesn’t. She may insist that she’s staying in Calif, hoping that will be enough to sway you or her D. However, I think she will change her mind at some point when she sees that you both mean business. </p>

<p>In the end, she’ll be happiest as long as she’s not away from her D…no matter where that’s at. Her town and her job do not trump being around her D. I would bet on that.</p>

<p>Calif is a big state; another school could be in the same state but be in Southern Calif. If you were to go to USD or UCSD, then you’d be 8 hours away - which I don’t think she’d like either. It sounds like she prefers that you only attend a school that is within a short distance of her. That is a normal preference, but it’s not a reasonable demand.</p>

<p>BTW…are you sure that your MIL doesn’t qualify for some surviving spouse SS benefits? I know that your FIL wasn’t working for awhile, but perhaps she still qualifies based on the years he did work? I would look into that.</p>

<p>@turtlerock - it sounds like Bama is the best choice financially, probably academically, and less disruptive because you won’t have to transfer later on. The first responsibility is to your wife and kids (if you have any!!). I mean Bama with your wife/kids coming along, and also MIL at her option. Either way, your MIL should understand that a better decision now could better enable you to help her down the road, when she might really need it. Good luck.</p>

<p>@mom2, she got a lump sum SS benefit - still wasn’t much. By saying none earlier, I meant like no continual payment over the course of a time frame, so no future potential income.
Within a short time, my wife and I WILL mention it all to her and see how it goes. My wife has mentioned (again) staying in CA with her while I attend Bama and do the back and forth visits on a regular basis (like once a month, during regualr breaks and summers of course). Neither of us like that idea. Been separated before for 9+ months (military), but not since we’ve been married.</p>

<p>@why, no kids. I get what you mean that my first responsibility is to my wife and “a better decision now could better enable you to help her down the road, when she might really need it” is exactly what I’m thinking and hoping she understands when we try to talk to her. Good way to put it.</p>

<p>You could flip this and say that your wife’s first responsibility is to you. You MIL sounds like she wants company now but doesn’t need it yet. She may need more help later and everyone will likely be in a better place long run if you and your wife have a strong 4 years together while you get your degree. Why can’t your wife do some trips here and there BACK to Cali to see mother instead of the other way around? From someone who is currently in a situation of looking after newly widowed MIL’s needs (an OLD 78) it is very important that you and your wife have time together to have a strong bond of teamwork and companionship going forward. You will need it.</p>

<p>Saintfan is right.</p>

<p>Your wife needs to have the attitude that her first responsibility is to YOU. Your MIL is holding on to the hope that her D will put her first. If MIL realizes that your wife is determined to be with you, she may fold like a cheap tent.</p>

<p>As long as your wife appears weak in this area, her mom is not going to consider moving. I would tell my spouse to at least appear strong in favor of moving as well.</p>

<p>MIL might do better staying in place with occasional support trips back by your wife. That way she keeps her job, her friends and her familiar surroundings. That can always be shifted if it becomes untennable, but the default position, in my opinion, should be young family sets out to build life together.</p>

<p>I can tell you this…it is very difficult for a person who works full-time or goes to school full time to make weekend trips home if doing so requires air travel and distance. You lose so much time at airports and flying that the actual time together is hardly worth it.</p>

<p>We’ve found this to be true with our son who is several states away. His Friday schedule makes a Friday night departure difficult (or a red-eye!) and then he really doesn’t have much time with us on Sunday because he needs to get to the airport early, fly, and then shuttle back to his apt. And, of course there can be time-change issues. A $400 flight isn’t really worth just a Saturday visit.</p>

<p>I fly back and forth to Calif several times each year. Believe me, it’s not something that can easily be done for a weekend…even a 3 day weekend. </p>

<p>Since your wife will be looking for full-time employment, she will face a similar issue if she tries to do a weekend visit and then be back for work on Monday. </p>

<p>Because you will be in school full-time and hopefully your wife will be working full-time, I would politely make it clear to the MIL that if she doesn’t move with you, then once you’re settled, neither of you would be able to run back to Calif to help her move at a later time. At least not until the following summer.</p>

<p>Obviously, I don’t know your MIL (and each one is unique!!), but I do know that both my mom and MIL would “say” that they wouldn’t want to move to an unknown area, but if their only child was moving, and they were widowed and alone, they would move (albeit hesitantly and only with encouragement).</p>

<p>*the default position, in my opinion, should be young family sets out to build life together.
*</p>

<p>I strongly agree. To not do so would set a very bad precedence. It would set up a pattern where the wife will feel that she needs to put mom’s desires first. The wife needs to set boundaries NOW, that her H comes first, to avoid these problems. Heck, when the grandkids come along, is MIL going to insist that her D and the GK live near her even though your job may be in Timbuktu?</p>