<p>Any suggestions for my son, not the most socially adept or mature freshman around, who's having a very bumpy year at Ithaca? He says he's finding it very hard to connect to others, especially after all the friends he made early on were attached to the girlfriend who recently dumped him. We keep telling him that lots of freshmen feel homesick/lonely, and that it can take awhile to meet the people you will keep as friends,but he's not really listening to us, and seems to think that transferring is the only way to make things right. We've been saying that you take your problems wherever you go, and that he might find the same thing- or worse- at any other campus. We've encouraged him to join clubs and or try community service, but at the moment he's throwing a pity party for himself. Any suggestions from students there? H E L P from a very tired mom....</p>
<p>Transferring is usually VERY hard socially. You dont get any of the benefits of being a new freshman when you start at the new school-- you are treated like any other continuing student and it is expected that you already know what you are doing and can handle yourself socially by yourself. I mean really, it is REALLY, REALLY hard, even for people who usually thrive socially. I just transferred myself this year and I really wish I could have gone to a 4 year instead of starting at a 2 year, because it really makes things difficult, socially especially. He needs to understand that transferring will not be a fresh start, it will be a whole new can of worms. There is really nothing you can do at this point but make sure he is aware of that and keep encouraging him to try out clubs or IM sports or something to put himself out there. Maybe he’s just in a funk because of the girlfriend and he’ll get over it in a few weeks.</p>
<p>Our son transferred to a new school after his freshman year. He found the transition very easy and blended right into the social scene at the transfer school. </p>
<p>If your son is truly unhappy at his current school, it’s up to him to do the work and send out a couple of transfer applications. Let him take charge of the situation. Sending out transfer applications will give him options at the end of the year just in case things don’t change for the better at his current school. If he does plan on transferring, he should try to stay away from small LAC’s where cliques seem to rule the social scene.</p>
<p>Transfer, things will only get worse if he stays. He already has a mindset that Ithaca is not the right school for him and he will always believe that. Not transitioning to a new school will only bring misery to him. As people have stated above. The transition to a new school varies. Some will blend right in, while others wont. In your case however, there is nothing left to loose, as the social part in that school is gone for your son. Good luck.</p>
<p>You honestly think it’s a good idea for him to just up and quit when he DID make friends but things shifted because of a break up IN THE FIRST SEMESTER? That’s crazy!</p>
<p>It’s called “having options” just in case things don’t get better at his current school. If things get better, he has the option to stay. If things don’t get better, the transfer acceptances will give him the option to transfer and start new in a different environment. </p>
<p>He should stick it out for the first year. While doing so, he should get some options in place in case he still is unhappy at his current school when May comes around.</p>
<p>I agree it doesn’t hurt and is really probably a good idea to put out applications at least, I just think it’s crazy to say it’s only going to go downhill from here.</p>
<p>Its not about solving his problems… its about realizing there are no problems.
Only situations, to be dealt with or allowed to be. Why make it a problem?
Isnt life challenging enough?</p>
<p>And yes, if he transferred, he might continue to act out of the same patterns in a new environment. Change starts from within, then the outside will follow.</p>
<p>Things may get better. Often times, it does. Then again, there are times when a kid knows that an environment isn’t right for him/her. We should respect their feelings on this–they are the ones living in their current environment 24/7. Sometimes, a college isn’t what it appears to be on the surface and it isn’t until living in that particular environment that one realizes this fact.</p>
<p>In our son’s case, his dream school ended up a nightmare school. After the first 2 months, he knew that he wanted out. He submitted transfer applications before Thanksgiving and had multiple acceptances by the Winter Break. Having options made the Spring semester more bearable—knowing that he had the option to stay at his original school or transfer to a new school. He chose to transfer and began his sophomore year at a new school. His original school was a 7 hour drive south. His new transfer school was 7-8 hours north. His problem was not the distance from home but a combination of the campus culture and the isolation of the campus. </p>
<p>His original school is now a mere blip in his life. He’ll graduate from his transfer school in May and is now filling out graduate school applications. For him, transferring worked out fabulously.</p>
<p>Some advice to the OP: If he’s calling often and complaining with every call, don’t be so quick to pick up the phone if you see his number on the caller ID. Let it ring. Give him the time and space to figure out some things on his own. </p>
<p>Let him know that if he wants to transfer, it is his responsibility to do the research and the work involved in transferring. Remind him that merit money for transfer’s is rare and thus, give him a financial range as to what schools will fit your budget.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the very helpful replies. We’ve already told our son that he’s got to do all the transfer application research/work himself, IF he decides that he really has to leave. I’m not sure that he does, and I’m not sure that it would be better elsewhere.On the other hand, there are a lot of other schools he could apply to that might not be as expensive (!) and might give him a chance to regroup, if he’s truly miserable by mid second semester. As I said, he’s not the most mature person in the world, and some of these issues are sure to follow him wherever he goes. I’d like to see him develop some resiliency, but in the meantime, he’s pushing all my buttons and then some. I have already stopped picking up the phone when I see that he’s calling, although- and this is a good thing- the calls are not as frequent this week as they were last!</p>
<p>I’m pretty much the same as your son. I transferred from Purdue to Johnson & Wales. I had a great social life at Purdue but since arriving here 8 weeks ago I had no success on making friends. I live a terrible social life and complain about it to my parents almost every day. I want to transfer out but the faculty and academics here is something I like. I don’t even know what to say since I actually really have only my mom(same position your in like my mom) to talk to. With my roommate in ROTC and Wrestling, I never really see him in the room much. I don’t know… I would honestly be ****ed if my mom didn’t pick up the phone whenever I called. I called maybe once every two days back @ Purdue but now I call maybe 3 times or more a day now. It’s sad. But it’s hard transitioning over to a new school.</p>
<p>I called my mom a lot when I first transferred, too. I didn’t have anybody else.</p>
<p>I just transferred to IC and am living off campus. I haven’t made many friends but a couple of good ones. I basically just talked to people who were in a lot of my classes. IC has A LOT of clubs, I find it hard to imagine theres not one hes interested in. I’ve also made some friends at work, jobs and volunteering are a good way to meet people.</p>
<p>In comparison to my previous school I think the social scene at IC is so much better.</p>
<p>You can mail me if you have specific questions! :)</p>
<p>ETA: I had a miserable time for a bit after I broke up with my first bf at my first school. I did eventually transfer but for completely different reasons. Took me a month or two to cheer up from the break.</p>
<p>Thanks again to everyone for their replies! It’s been so helpful for me. To Jimgotkp, I wish you all the best. I know from my own experience as a miserable freshman years ago, how harrowing it can feel. But I think that since you seem to like the academics and professors at your current school, you should try to put transferring out of your mind until at least the start of the second semester. Things may get a lot better by then ( it happened for me that way), and if they don’t, you’ll know that you really gave it your best shot. In the meantime, try to put yourself out there so that you maximize your chances of meeting new people. Try a new club, or community service, or a part-time job, if your schedule permits. And leave your door open while you’re in your room, so that people walking by might stop in to say “hi.” Sounds stupid, but it does work! Good luck, and hang in there!</p>