<p>I'm a senior who is currently waiting on admission/scholarship decisions for several colleges. I really want for my family to be involved in this process--and my mother and grandmother already are pretty involved--but am having some major disagreements with them over just how much say I should have in selecting what college I go to.</p>
<p>You see, my father and stepmother don't seem to understand that I want /some/ say in where I end up, or at least for them to act like my opinion matters in selecting where I go. Whenever I try to have a serious discussion with them about anything college-related, it generally ends with them saying "Well, we don't have to give you ANY choice [about where you go to college]. We can just decide for you." Needless to say, this is very distressing; while I might be more okay with the prospect if they were paying for my college, they've already set a limit to how much they'll pay, so I'll end up shouldering most of the cost. In addition, reconciling the shift in mindset I've experienced while looking at colleges with the absolute lack of choice this gives me is incredibly disconcerting and moderately distressing. I'm being simultaneously told "you need to mature" and "you have no choice; it doesn't matter what you think" about what will be my life for the next four years. Unfortunately, I won't be eighteen until I start college, so until then, my parents can simply make the choice without my permission.</p>
<p>Can any parents give me some advice on how to discuss this with my own parents without inciting an argument or making things worse?
Thanks in advance.</p>
<p>You do have a choice. It’s not very palatable, but you don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to. </p>
<p>Your father and stepmother may be afraid of how much money it’s going to cost and are trying to prep you to avoid disappointment if they cannot pay the bill. They may be expressing it heavy-handedly. You mentioned that they are not paying for all of it, but even so, it’ s a huge amount of money for most people. </p>
<p>A good start might be to acknowledge to your parents that you understand that a decision this expensive and momentous has to be, to some degree, a family decision, but that you also need to be in a place where you will be happy enough to thrive. If you are not happy (or at least reasonably content), the chances of you even finishing the degree become more and more remote. Appeal to the financial value aspect of allowing you a say. If you go to a place you hate and end up leaving, this will generally mean wasted credits and delayed time to graduation.</p>
<p>If you aren’t happy with the school chosen, simply don’t go anywhere. Work for a year, live on your own, save, save, save, and re-apply next year. No one can force you to go anywhere, but be prepared with another plan for yourself.</p>
<p>It’s nice to know they are wrong about the choice. They don’t realize it but you are in charge of your life. It may be difficult emotionally and financially but YOU ultimately decide what to do. You can’t make anyone else, this means family, think like you want them to or do what you want them to. Likewise they can’t force you to attend the college of their choice. Your job, once you know the financial options for each school, is to let them know the pros of your choice over others. For now, leave this topic alone. Wait until you have new knowledge before any further discussion.</p>
<p>Speaking as a parent, they are totally wrong. OTOH, if they’re contributing more money than you want to walk away from, they can withhold the money and demand that it only be spent where they want to spend it.</p>
<p>“my parents can simply make the choice without my permission.” I don’t think so. The school asks for your signature, not your parents’. And I can’t picture them forcing an adult-sized person into a dorm room against his will.</p>
<p>You could also pick your favorite college and ask for a one-year deferral so you can work. If they give it (likely), you WILL be 18 when you start (assuming you haven’t skipped a couple grades). This way, you wouldn’t have to reapply.</p>
<p>Ask what their reason for wanting to decide for you. Is it financial? Is it prestige? Distance from home? Knowing that answer might help you work with them.</p>
<p>Do you live with your mother or your father? Who is it that’s offered some amount of money?</p>
<p>You can choose to go to any school you can afford, at 18. Similarly, you can choose to live anywhere you can afford. Others can no longer force their choices on you, but at 18 you cannot force your choices on others.</p>
<p>It seems they have told you how much they are willing/able to chip in toward the gift of your college education. Be mindful of this number when you apply and choose between schools.</p>
<p>Oh come on…can’t you find anything favorable about the schools the PARENTS are suggesting? If they won’t compromise, you will have one of two choices…go to one of the schools THEY like…or move out and get a job and pay for everything yourself. Personally if those were my two choices, I would take the college education and look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.</p>
<p>The catch is that the financial aid system assumes, for the purpose of need-based aid, that the parents are willing and able to contribute (or at least fill in financial aid forms if they are poor) until the student is 24, is married, or is active in or a veteran of the military forces. I.e. being able to afford many colleges depends on the willingness of the parents to contribute. So the parents have an effective veto over a greater range of colleges than they would have if the student met any of the independence-for-need-based-aid conditions.</p>
<p>In this case, the student must:</p>
<p>a. Go to a college that the parents approve of. (This may not be a good idea if the parents only approve of colleges that would saddle the student with excessive debt or are academically or otherwise unsuitable.)
b. Go to a college that s/he can afford without any parent contribution (including being able to live at home) or willingness to fill in financial aid forms.
c. Not go to college until s/he meets the independence-for-need-based-aid conditions.</p>
<p>Really? That’s their level of maturity? This is easy, don’t discuss anything college related with them. There isn’t anything concrete to discuss with them right now so the theoretical discussion turns into “what ifs” and those “what if” scenarios might be not be a situation you ultimately have to contend with. If it just provokes a shouting match then it isn’t worth it. If you want to talk about abstart college choices talk with your friends.</p>
<p>When you actually get some acceptances along the scholarship information the choice might be made for you. If there is a huge difference in how the finances pencil then the finances will dictate where you are going.</p>
<p>Incidentally, I wish I had your parent’s trouble. I’m starting to think I’ll have to fill out the college applications for my son.</p>
<p>When I applied to college, back when dinosaurs delivered the fat and skinny envelopes, I thought there might be conflict with my parents because they did not like my first-choice school.</p>
<p>Then the decisions came in. I was waitlisted at my first choice and had no desire to stay on the waitlist; I wanted to know where I was going right away. The next two colleges on my list – which I liked equally – both accepted me, but one gave me a much better financial aid package than the other did. My parents thought I should go to the college with the better financial aid, and I agreed completely. So in the end, there was no conflict at all. </p>
<p>You may find that you won’t have any conflict, either.</p>
<p>in re post 8-
your response to my comment does not change my comment. I don’t see it as a “catch”. It is adult life. Sometimes we can purchase what we want, sometimes we cannot. At 18, the student can go anywhere he/she can afford. The student does not have the right to force parents to take loans, or to co-sign for loans. This particular student has choices, they just aren’t all the choices sybelle would like.
At 18, they can’t make her go anywhere, they can’t stop her from going anywhere, they just don’t have to facilitate her choices beyond what they have already promised to pay.</p>
<p>My children ultimately have the choice to make. However they did not apply anywhere they would not want to attend. We expect them to make the responsible choice, financially too. and there seems to be no issue with this. I would not tell my kids what your dad and stepmother have said, but I have never been an authortarian type of parent. Hopefully you can explain that although you respect their opinions and authority , you would like them to show respect for you by considering your thoughts and opinions about something that affects you so profoundly.</p>
<p>Once the acceptances and scholarships come in, I think things may change a little. I bet they do, after all, want you to be happy. Is their reasoning financially based (ex- state school is cheaper), or do they believe that they know what’s best for you? Also, are there any schools you applied to that you would not want to attend?</p>
<p>Decide, right now, not to say anything more until the end of March. Give yourself six weeks of peace. You deserve it. When family members want to engage in baiting the bull, decline. Say “wow, I guess we should talk about that once the results are in” and then change the subject – run to the bathroom if you have to – but don’t get drawn into discussion for the next six weeks. </p>
<p>What your family members are doing is exercising dominance over you – they are wanting to show you who is in control. You don’t have to play that game. Yawn, laugh, leave or otherwise refuse to be drawn in (read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward). </p>
<p>Once your admittance news is in, again, don’t get drawn into a battle. Take some time to go for a walk and think about your choices. Respectfully ask for the opinions of your family but don’t get into a battle – yet – say “wow, I can see your point but there’s sure a lot to think about – Do you see any downsides to your choice?” and listen respectfully. </p>
<p>You can make your family nuts if you’ll just learn to have a poker face (my kids do this to me all the time!). Practice being laconic. Practice being a potted plant. Listen and discipline yourself not to leap in and say “But, but, but” which is the kick off to War. </p>
<p>Let them exhaust themselves with their opinions and still keep your counsel. Finally, you can say "I hear all your reasons . . . and it works for me " – OR "I hear all your reasons and that choice isn’t working for me. You know, I hear you can make good money as a tattoo artist . . . " Then duck! And laugh at the hornet’s nest you’ve just poked. This sets you up to say “I’ve listened to you for six weeks now and held myself quiet – isn’t it fair that now you take a few minutes to hear me?”. </p>
<p>Go poker face and practice peacefulness. Good luck!</p>
<p>PS You are wanting to make your parents your partners in life decision making – they may not want to be your partners. Hard truth – but don’t try to force them into a role they don’t want (they may prefer “boss” to “partner”). </p>
<p>Don’t let your hunger for their approval make you into a sick stomached doormat. Love them as the individuals they are (more mature than the fantasy parent you may have in a brain that craves Disney life – LEt go of “Fairy Godmother” and find “Bill and Linda”).</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice. I’d love it if the problem were financially-motivated here; unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be, as I’ve offered previously to pay my way through college by myself if there’s a school they don’t want me attending. That was met by the proposal that they simply don’t sign the transcript requests for my high school/FAFSA/anything else they have to sign in order for me to enroll. The issue seems to be more them trying to “exercise control”–they are very authoritarian parents. </p>
<p>I think that for now, I’ll try just not broaching the idea of college with them unless I have to (for example, to ask them to file FAFSA…) and then only discussing it in the briefest manner possibly. Hopefully when acceptance letters and scholarship letters are all in, there either won’t be a serious conflict or I’ll at least have ground to stand on.</p>
<p>If there is really a college you don’t like that you applied to, you could always withdraw. That way, you know you’ll at least end up somewhere you like, even if it’s not your top choice.</p>
<p>I know a girl who a few years ago was forced by her parents to apply to two schools she truly did not want to attend…her parents liked what the schools offered but she did not want that kind of environment. So she applied…and then she secretly contacted the two schools admissions reps, and asked them to either deny or waitlist her. ( I think Johns Hopkins was one, and I can’t remember the other) Schools do not want to admit students who do not want to be there…so she got her wish. She was denied at one and waitlisted at one…and never was taken off.</p>
<p>Problem solved. The family had to move on to considering schools to which she had been admitted…she liked some on her list of acceptances better than others, but she liked all of her admits better than the schools she deep-sixed.</p>
<p>This is not a pretty or necessarily ethical solution, but it worked effectively for this girl.</p>