<p>This story will be pretty long, and I would really appreciate it if you bear with me. I am a senior in high school now, about to graduate in a week, and bleeding inside. I'll attempt to trace this part of my life from beginning to now.</p>
<p>My recollection of her was in 8th grade. She was in my Algebra class. I remember sitting next to her one day, reading an essay for English, when I stumbled upon the word "materialism", and not knowing what it meant, asked her to explain it to me. It was a short exchange but the first that I remember.</p>
<p>Three years passed before I recognized her again, this time in my AP US history class. Being the reclusive, stubborn, grade-fearing student that I had become during my high school years, I never talked to her much. I remember her getting superb grades, and generally thought of her as a very intelligent girl. She was also in my AP Chem class, and again, our conversations were short and brief. I still remember going with her to the Chem Olympiad and trying to snatch the "mole" away one day when we played capture the mole outside. Shortly afterwards was the first time I remember being somewhat attracted to her, but it quickly diffused.</p>
<p>Then, senior year came along and I knew that I had to have more of a social life instead being the reclusive work-a-holic. In my 4th period free, she sat with some other students in my calc class, and I decided, sometime october senior year, that I should join them, not because I was attracted to her but that I just needed to make more friends.</p>
<p>Initially, as I got to know her, I became deeply envious of her, of her intellect, her reading background, etc...But that jealously soon turned into admiration. I quickly discovered that she and I shared some common interests, although I prolly had exaggerated the similarities. She was incredibly intelligent and a very self-motivated worker.</p>
<p>By February, I realized I had a crush on her, although slight at first. As the next few months rolled on, I tried to be really nice to her, and see her reaction. I tried to be funny, although difficult because of my cynical, pessimistic nature. I never took initiative however, and merely kept this secret inside. As my crush for her grew however, I started teasing her more and actually perhaps was mean to her several times. In retrospect, this is something I deeply regret.</p>
<p>Now in retrospect, I seem to believe that she was very nice to me at first, and that I prolly could have done a better job of presenting myself to her. But as I started to tease her more, she seemed to get annoyed, to the point that now, I sense that she holds a certain grudge, or just some sense of aversion against me. We're not enemies, and we still talk to each other, but I just sense that something I did in the past few months must have upset or annoyed her.</p>
<p>I just deeply regret everything I have done and only now do I realize the mistakes I made.</p>
<p>Perhaps, this is all in my mind. Maybe I'm being paranoid...I don't know.</p>
<p>I've made my final deadline to tell her my secret tomorrow. I don't know how I will hold up. The past month has just been terrible, and the regret, sorrow, etc has been building up inside, to the point that it is unbearable.</p>
<p>Maybe I never had a chance with her. Maybe it's all in my mind, but something in my intellect and judgement tells me that my perceptions of the past few months has been correct. I've just been a really miserable person toward her at times. It's not that I'm constantly being mean, but just that the teasing gets interpreted in a negative way. I should have just been nice and stopped trying to impose myself upon her. I'm deeply disappointed in myself.</p>
<p>She was the only girl I've ever really liked during HS, because she's different, unique, independent, and has more integrity than anyone I know. And tomorrow, I will have to pour my heart out to her. I have no other choice...the school year is ending. We'll be going to college next year. I have to lay it out all on the line, and hope for the best. I have no idea how she'll react. Prolly in disbelief I suppose, because I really have not shown that I like her. I'm just such a complete fool and a blind idiot. I'm bleeding inside...</p>