<p>A mom of one of ds's friends said this to me. We may very well pay this (probably closer to $60,000) for ds for undergrad depending on where he gets in. I'm pretty sure she's aware that this is a possibility for us. So, she's pretty much calling me stupid. </p>
<p>I didn't say anything, but I wanted to. </p>
<p>What would you have said?</p>
<p>That’s not necessarily what they’re saying. Do you know their financial situation? For many families, it’s really stupid to 50k for undergrad (it might mean neglecting retirements, etc) whereas for other families it makes sense.</p>
<p>“I think that’s a valid opinion Susan. Everyone needs to make choices that are right for their own family. With public schools raising tuition, privates offering nice scholarships and grants, you really don’t know what the total COA will be until the offer comes in. So, how are your parents doing?”</p>
<p>Basically you’re validating her opinion, which is what she wants, however pointing out that just because she knows the sticker price of a school does not mean she knows what a family is paying. Very often privates can be less expensive then the state flagship for many. It may not be in your case, but that’s not the point. You are speaking in broad terms. Then change the subject.</p>
<p>What would I have done? Probably nothing, or stammered some response I wasn’t happy with in retrospect. It’s much easier to come up with something when you aren’t taken off guard by such a statement.</p>
<p>Nothing. Smile and nod. It may well be stupid. It was very stupid for a friend of mne, a very dear friend, to have done so, as she couldn’t afford it and it’s caused financial havoc for her and her DD as they paid via loans. It’s very much a personal, family decision to make, and whether it was stupid or not can also be measured on what the outcomes turn out to be which we don’t know at the time we make these decisions. So you are buying hope, taking risks, gambling and speculating to a degree.</p>
<p>I certainly think that blueiguana is on the right track, that said, an alternative response might go something like:</p>
<p>"Susan, first of all, thank you for sharing your opinion. My spouse and I will certainly consider your input, and moving forward if I ever need someone to tell me how to spend my money or care for my family I’ll certainly consider contacting you. But until that time please mind your own G** D** business. Thanks so much for understanding."*</p>
<p>Doubtlessly would get a different reaction than blueiguana’s but would certainly send a message.</p>
<p>Good point, romanigypsyeyes. I just wish she would have said, it would be stupid for <em>US</em> to pay $50,000 per year for undergrad. They are probably in that dreaded middle range of not qualifying for aid, but not having the resources to shell out that much cash. </p>
<p>We have saved for college since before birth for our ds. We only have one. I get that everyone’s situation is different. </p>
<p>I’m sure she wasn’t trying to stay that dh and I are stupid. I need to ligthen up!</p>
<p>Yeah, vinceh - that was the type of response that ran through my brain. </p>
<p>And, she wasn’t saying it about our situation per se. But I think it was more of a general statement that it would be stupid for ANYONE to do that rather than saying it would be stupid for them to do that, kwim?</p>
<p>Check out the fashion or vacation threads on this board, and you’ll find that we all get shocked at how others spend money, and then get equally shocked to find that others are shocked at how we spend our money. </p>
<p>It’s healthy to find that out, because if prevents us from spouting off like “Joe’s wife” when we remember that our budgets and spending priorities aren’t the only valid ones.</p>
<p>Yea Vinceh’s response was a great one if you don’t mind being rude and losing a friendship over nothing more than a well meaning diplomatic Faux Pas, which in most cases is probably right on the mark.</p>
<p>Unfortunately a lot of people have no clue how financial aid works and they make comments like this. Or they feel guilty they didn’t save any money. Or they or their kid is not interesting in attending a school that costs that much and would do perfectly fine at a state school.</p>
<p>I think she was probably talking about her own situation, without considering yours. “Foot in mouth” on her part, but I wouldn’t take offense. I’m sure she’d envy your position (being able to afford it) if she knew/thought about it. People let things slip out of their mouths without really thinking much. I’d forget about it–unless she is the type to constantly make rude remarks. </p>
<p>Personally, I would have agreed that it would be stupid for OUR family (7 kids, no savings, “middle range,” will not take out loans), but may be reasonable for some people with a different budget.</p>
<p>Why does what was said bother you? That is their reality and you don’t need to validate it or repudiate the comment. All you really need to do is to acknowledge that family’s reality.* “Yes it is really difficult to determine how much an undergrad degree is worth and how much to pay.”* </p>
<p>Everyday people you know are making big ticket item decisions about how much to pay for their home, their cars, etc. that may or may not align with your reality.</p>
<p>We’ve had several people say this to us, including folks who could EASILY afford private school tuition (people with nannies, second homes, extravagant vacations and still money to burn). Considering DH and I both attended a small private college it’s offensive from that angle (we both had substantial Honors scholarships). We hear it even more now that D is off to college - when your state flagship is UNC, then I guess it’s somewhat understandable. However, D didn’t want to go to a school that big, and wanted to live in a different part of the country. So her job was to earn merit money at a school she wanted to go to - and now she’s at a small Jesuit university for slightly less than UNC would have cost - and she’s loving it! But I look at it this way - it IS silly to spend $250K for an education IF you don’t have the money. Just like it’s silly to buy a $500,000 house if you can’t make the mortgage payments, or get a fully loaded brand new BMW if it’s not in your price range. Every family has different priorities. But I’m constantly amazed at how many families don’t realize how few students pay full rack rate at most private schools… so many kids in NC don’t even apply to private schools because they look at the sticker price and say “No way”.</p>
<p>I have a VERY small group of friends which is how I like it. Those I have would never intentionally say anything to hurt my feelings. If one of them does say something that could potentially hurt my feelings, then I choose to believe that it was not intentional and they did not mean it in a negative way. If someone were to continually say things that could be taken as hurtful then I move on- I am still friendly and polite, but no longer view them as a friend, and I don’t really care what they say. Maybe I am naive and my friends insult me more than I know ( I don’t truly believe that), but as a result of this approach, I almost never get my feelings trod on.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think this is a big factor. This type of comment is often made by people rationalizing the fact that they made choices so they can’t send their kids to these types of schools even if they wanted to. I admit, sometimes I would be tempted to say something like, “Yes, we all have things we wouldn’t spend our money on. I think it would be stupid to spend $40,000 on a new car.” While standing next to their relatively new, expensive car… But I probably wouldn’t say anything, just thank my lucky stars that I did save a lot and have prioritized my kids’ education over items like new cars, vacation homes, etc. I am very comfortable with the choices we made and the payoff for the kids —one did great in an environment where she got quite a bit of merit money, and the other is at a school at nearly full pay but is thriving as I have never seen her thrive before in her life.</p>
<p>Gotta laugh at the “Joe and I” part of this – it sounds like something out of the 50s, does she need her spouse’s validation to strengthen her position on this? Sounds like a little insecurity there, too. So probably just smile and nod, as she is basking in the idea of agreeing with Joe. :)</p>
<p>Honestly, I would have said, calmly: There are a lot of great schools that cost less than that. </p>
<p>It assumes she’s speaking out of her own insecurity. Give her a bone. Your decision isn’t her business, I wouldn’t even go anywhere near bringing my family (or my defensive reaction) into the equation.</p>
<p>It sort of doesn’t matter that there are less expensive schools or that there are scholarships and financial aid available–the OP says she plans to spend that much because that is how she chooses to spend her money.</p>
<p>The friend may well think it’s stupid and may well, indeed, think the OP is stupid for doing it. But that doesn’t matter. As others have pointed out, everyone has their own priorities about their money and what they think is “worth it” and what is “stupid.” Whether it’s cars, clothing, travel, wine, purses, electronics, concert tickets…we all have something we’re willing to spring for and something we cannot fathom why anyone would drop that kind of money on it.</p>
<p>I would probably not have said anything, but if I had, it would have been, “Yeah, a lot of people think that.”</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have said anything, and I wouldn’t have interpreted it as her calling me stupid.
It all depends on circumstances. It wouldn’t be terribly smart of someone who can’t afford to pay $50,000 a year for college to do so. It wouldn’t be smart to spend $50,000 on one child’s tuition, even if you had it, if there are other children coming up behind that child for whom you didn’t have that kind of money saved. And there are other circumstances where it’s simply not necessary to spend that amount. For instance, I think it would have been ill advised for my husband and I to pay $50,000 a year for oldest D’s education because she had a full tuition scholarship to a state flagship where she could get a perfectly fine education, and she’s not one to enjoy, or take advantage of, what a smaller school has to offer. However, paying full freight at a private might be the right move for our younger daughter - time will tell - and if it is, I don’t think it would be stupid at all to pay $50-60,000 a year, since we can afford to. </p>
<p>I would assume the comment was made with the best of intentions and not take it personally.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This.</p>
<p>If you can afford to send your kids to college and your friends/neighbors can’t, tell them that you inherited the money. It will save you a lot of grief.</p>
<p>Inheriting money is socially acceptable because it’s a matter of luck. It doesn’t imply that you made good financial decisions and the other family didn’t.</p>
<p>I don’t know that I would have assumed it was about my family, my money, my choices. It could just be one of those annoying knee-jerk things that spill out of many peoples’ mouths- and end up being convo stoppers.</p>