You know how it is being a parent…you can only be as happy as your least-happy kid. But my youngest was here this weekend from the state university and i worry for him a bit. His path to college wasn’t as directed as his older sibling. He ended up getting into a few different places (including cornell) but we didn’t get any meaningful financial or merit aid and i we worked the numbers back & forth and couldn’t justify it when we have a decently ranked state university that’s very low-cost only two hours away. But I had qualms the whole way…the university is a big one (35,000+), we missed the deadline for the honors college (because the decision was made so late), the Greek system is huge there (a negative in my mind) and the school is known more as a party school than an academic school (they’re trying to fight this but huge schools with greek life and competitive football teams are fighting a losing battle :).
Anyway, S seems lost. I heard him talking with my brother (his uncle) about “what was the biggest surprise in college” and S said, “I thought the teachers would be really good…like everybody would be like Mr. X and Mr. Y but even better” (citing two of his favorite HS teachers) but instead I guess he’s being taught primarily by TAs in huge classes (the full professors are used for Honors classes for 1st year students). By complete happenstance (again, because we did everything so late), he landed in a skyscraper dorm that’s considered the top choice for kids who are in fraternities so even though the campus is maybe 25% greek, his dorm is like 80% pledges and literally nobody is around. He was a super confident, super athletic, relaxed kid in high school…but he confessed to me that sometimes he sits alone in his dorm room (his roommate is in a fraternity)…with no deadlines and no need to stress and can’t stop feeling anxious. It breaks my heart to hear it…i’m even wondering whether we should have gone for a smaller school…somewhere where he could have gotten more attention. A friend of his just withdrew from an ultra-competitive school (he got there and just couldn’t handle the stress & was sitting in his dorm room) and S said, “I can easily see how that could happen.”
Anyway, sharing my anxieties here since we’re all friendly, supportive strangers to each other,. : )
What is the procedure for getting into the honors college if you didn’t get in during the admissions cycle?
Can he switch dorms next semester to something smaller and less greek?
Is he getting involved on campus - student job, clubs, volunteering, intramural sports (especially as someone athletic)? All are good for meeting people more aligned with his interests. How about joining some teams that are more club sports? Ultimate frisbee comes to mind.
Has he spoke to someone on campus about how he is feeling - counselor, advisor? Not only is it good to have an impartial ear to listen but through knowledge of the school and experience they might have some concrete suggestions for him.
thanks @doschicos Yeah, the Honors College is what kept me awake last night…there is a 2nd chance…that is, after the first semester of freshman year but the requirements are pretty strict in that you must get a 3.8 (I believe he’s on track for that) but also must be enrolled in 15 credit hours. And i didn’t realize until this weekend that he is taking 14 credit hours. it’s another reason why i’m kicking myself…I should have double-checked this.
The dorm idea is a good one! And he does have one great thing about college – he made it onto a sports club team that’s very competitive and even travels to other states so that it giving him a good set of people to know on campus.
At some schools (and for some sports) the club teams require try outs and a big commitment, but there might be intramurals or just something at the rec center. He should start investigating course selection for next semester now. Not every freshman takes huge lecture hall classes. There should be a few courses taught by professors or by recommended TA’s. My daughter relies heavily on recommendations from other students.
@SouthernHope First, sending you some hugs - it’s an awful feeling. Then realize, your son is vocalizing that he’s stressed and feeling lost - that is half of the battle!! I think you’ve gotten some wonderful suggestions up above and hopefully the club sport helps him feel more at home on campus and gives him non-frat people to hang around. I don’t think freshman realize how long it can take to feel comfortable in a new place surrounded by new people.
@SouthernHope Personally…I’d suggest that your S walk in and talk to someone at the Honors College. (He might want to email first and make an appointment.) Ask if any exceptions are ever made to the requirement that you need 15 credits to apply to the honors college rule and/or if there’s any way he can earn 1 more credit to make him eligible. It may not be feasible–and probably isn’t, I admit–but sometimes the squeaky wheel does get greased. He’s got nothing to lose by trying.
He should do it ASAP. He should admit that he didn’t know about the 15 hours rule. He should be very polite. He should also be honest and tell whomever he speaks with that he is miserable and unhappy and may drop out if he can’t get into the Honors College. He should also say he got into Cornell and…and when his parents wouldn’t pay–yes, I know, but you are not going to be there–he applied at the last minute which was too late to apply to the Honors College.
Again, it may not work. But …sometimes you get lucky. It’s at least possible that he’ll meet someone who can make an exception…or will advocate for him with some superior who can.
I can imagine the disconnect your darling son is going through. A decade ago, this was the first school my son was admitted to. I sent in a $500 dorm deposit, long before he heard from other schools. That $$ was lost, but I had been warned that dorms fill up quickly. If he can’t get into the Honors dorm, is there another place that he would like?
Echoing what Jonri said. If he was initially qualified for Honors College, but didn’t get in because of family logistical decisions, that’s different from not qualified as an admit but trying to get in later on. I think it could make a huge difference, and definitely worth a shot. Sending all sorts of hugs! My D DID start in an Honors program of a big state U, but the frat atmosphere still drove her away, but it sounds like your S wants the big U experience, so a shot at the HC seems like a great idea.
I bet he can get one credit in the winter session (sometimes just a 3 week session) or online. He might also get credits for his high school AP credits that make him a sophomore in standing.
It sounds like the Honors College is a necessity. I have heard that at big U’s the Honors College can really create a community. Is there an Honors dorm?
I agree with jonri.
If he becomes truly miserable for too long, he could always leave I supposed, and try again, but it would be a shame not to try the Honors College.
@SouthernHope, I don’t have much to add - I think you’ve been give great suggestions here. I’m glad he made the club team - that will be a huge boost for him as far as making personal/social connections. I just wanted to say I get how worried you must be (parenting is NOT for the faint of heart), and that I hope things improve for your S. I do think they will. Nephew was in a similar situation at a very large school with a big Greek presence and it all started to gel for him by the end of his first semester. Hang in there!
Yup, I took “The Living Soil” during winter break for 4 credit hours (still love the title of that class!) - there are ways to snag that extra hour!
Also, since it sounds like he’s got all kinds of time, suggest a job/volunteer thing? What were his passions in HS that he’s maybe figured have to go by the wayside in college? Maybe there are volunteer opportunities in line with that stuff he loved doing at home. Sitting around is the worst - encourage all kinds of things in the hopes that one or two sticks.
The rec/sport team is great news! I also worry about my 1st year freshman, but i think you and I are in the same where we can only advise and suggest things. Not sure where i read this but I told my son to join 3 different things, such as a rec team, club, and/or organization. That way if one doesn’t work out he would have another group to hang out with.
D2 was not digging her Big U at first. She complained the (Intro to this and that) classes were too easy. She complained the Honors Program was just busy work and totally not worth it. She was anti-Greek, and then began to think she made a mistake by not rushing. Salty, salty, salty.
What helped her was finding some kids in her dorm who liked to play board games. Attending some club functions, even if the club itself didn’t do much for her. Joining an academic fraternity that gave her some instant friends and social activities and rituals. She is bilingual, word got out, and she became an in-demand informal tutor. She got an off-campus job. Once she made a few friends in other dorms, her network of friends began to expand.
Honestly, the entire first year was iffy. Sophomore year she returned, seemingly determined to make the most of it. Much better this year. Happier kid. Living off campus. Taking meatier classes in her pre-health major. Has the extra car and is using it for good (getting off campus and into nature with friends!)
Good luck! Sounds like he needs to have people to do things with. That is probably more important than more challenging academics, if he is anything like our kid.
@SouthernHope - So sorry you are going through this. My freshman D is my first to go to college and she’s had a rough semester (but thankfully seems to be turning the corner) so I can relate to the stress and anxiety of it. I really like the idea of pushing to get into the honors program and doing research to try to find better professors for next semester. It sounds like the club team will be good. He should get cell numbers of the other players and try to arrange some social things with them and maybe meet for some meals. If the sport is not in season currently, he should definitely try some other intramural sports and also try a couple of clubs. It will take some time, but given how large the school is, and how many different types of groups there are, it seems likely he will find his place. It’s really good that he’s talking about his struggles a bit. Many boys don’t. Hang in there.
@SouthernHope If your son likes a particular professor or has an advisor (or maybe even an admissions rep), he could ask for some help re the honors college. Having someone support him right there on campus could help him feel less alone.
Sometimes Professors will allow students to enroll in special projects with them. Maybe he query to see if that would be possible this semester for one credit especially since he is a top student. Or sometimes gym classes are one credit. Can he appeal to ad one credit?
I like that idea. (even if its’s a 10% chance, what can it hurt?)