There are so many posts on here about parent anxiety, parents pushing kids, parents disappointed in kids’ denials, etc.
I have a DD20 who is so much more stressed about about college than her parents, and we have been unable to reassure her that everything will be OK.
She says at her (competitive, public) high school the kids all judge each other based on where they are applying and where they attend. She is a solid student but not at the top of her class, and feels ashamed at her low status! She says she won’t be able to get in anywhere she wants to go. She hates touring colleges and wants to wait to see most of them next year only if she is accepted because it’s too upsetting to like a place and feel like you can’t get in. We are trying hard to find matches for her but it is so unpredictable and of course there are no guarantees. My heart really breaks for her.
Her Dad and I keep telling her that we know so many successful people who came from all kinds of backgrounds and schools, that what matters is to study something that interests you and do well in it, not to worry because it all works out, that high school kids are judgmental and once she graduates she won’t have to listen to them anymore, etc etc. Nothing clicks.
Anyone else have a kid who is worried beyond reason?
The frustrating part of that is that 5 years from now, she will be in touch with few of those kids and no one will much remember or care where anyone else went. And some of those kids with flashy acceptances will not have completed their degrees at those colleges. And in jobs and grad schools, she could find herself seated right back alongside those same students.
You are definitely giving the right message. It is hard to offset peer pressure, not sure it is possible. Social media does not help. Are there other adults besides mom & dad who could help reassure her?
We (and our kids) tried not to share the list of where our kids were applying to peers or other parents (heck, we eventually cut the grandparents out of the loop due to family pressure toward a school one kid had no interest in). We encouraged our kids to think of it as our family’s private business and decision regarding what we could afford and what schools made sense for them. “Stay in your lane” was a term we used — we could only do what made sense for us and our kid. No idea if this idea would have any resonance with your family, but it is something to discuss.
Also - I exercised some tough love regarding visits. It was a big financial sacrifice for our family to pay for college, and refusing to go on visits wasn’t a choice. Certainly kid was heavily involved in choosing where to visit. But it is hard to get visits in after acceptances and before the deadline, and you can waste applications and have no acceptances at places you like if you haven’t visited. So… I insisted, as a responsibility as part of the family. Also, matches and safeties you like are harder to find, so it is more important to visit them.
I’d also push her to make up a detailed list of things to look at for each college. Majors and classes offered, size of departments, any special facilities. Any ECs, study abroad options, etc that matter to her. Campus questions - are all frosh grouped in the same dorms, is housing guaranteed for four years, is the campus compact vs spread out, is there AC if the weather is hot, weather, etc. When you visit, don’t just go on the tour. See if she can sit in a class, eat in the cafeteria, and look in buildings not in the tour. For example, one of my kids likes art and was thinking of taking some art classes. We always went to find the art building, which is never on the tour. It makes the school more “3D” to do those things. Skip the info session if you are short on time in favor of those other things. Your goal is to get her to start thinking beyond the rankings and what her peers think.
Talk about safeties and focus on those first. Those are important to tour beforehand, imo, since you are 90% sure you’ll get in and know you can afford it, so knowing you like the place is important.
Your in-state publics will probably be on this list. Also those with rolling or EA are good to check out.
After the first couple of tours, ask her what she liked about them and disliked about them.
After you narrow down a couple of safeties, building the rest of the list is a lot less pressure.
My $02 is to find a true safety -70% + acceptance rate, that is affordable, with rolling admission and have her apply early. It’s psychologically very reassuring to have an early acceptance.
There are thousands of colleges out there. Forget about “prestige” and focus on fit.
As far as the competition at school, have her rehearse the “I don’t know where I’m applying yet” to tell friends. That changes to do “I haven’t decided yet” after notifications come when people ask where she’s going. She can also be upfront and say “I’m too stressed to talk about it.”
My daughter’s friend group didn’t talk at all about college apps because they were all uber aware of not wanting to make anyone else feel badly. Lots of her peers had major budgetary constraints and needed to stay local to commute.
If you want help with matches and safeties, definitely post stats/budget/home state and if she has an intended major… Lots of people will help.
FWIW, sounds like you are saying all the right things to your daughter.
Give her examples from real life of people who have gone on to achieve great things without attending prestigious colleges so she can see beyond her bubble. So many examples.
Kudos to you for trying to dissipate her stress rather than piling it on by being obsessed with prestige like many others.
First off…tell her (and you) not to discuss college applications and choices with anyone… but you parents. She can politely say “I’ve applied to colleges and I’ll let you know my final decision when I make it on May 1.” Repeat as often as needed. If folks do not “get it” she should excuse herself to go to the bathroom or something.
There is NO need for her to get caught up in conversations about where others are applying or where they will attend, and where she is applying. For many…this will be idle talk when the time comes to choose a college…either because their top choices didn’t accept them, or they were really not affordable.
So…don’t talk about this with others. It’s really none of their business anyway…and each college applicant has their strengths…and colleges where they will thrive.
Most 18 year-olds don’t exactly have a lot of long-term perspective and many are insecure about their place in the world.
I would do the inner work of gaining perspective. Answering why they care what HS peers (the vast majority of whom will go off and be acquaintances at best) will think and also work on developing more worthwhile longer-term goals. May be go on vacation. Volunteer in more disadvantaged areas (build houses or something) to gain a change in perspective.
Agree w/ @PurpleTitan
I think a conversation about not caring what others think may go further to helping her feel less stress.
Real life example: My S19 was accepted ED to a small top-30 LAC. Early this fall, a fellow student at his school asked why he was applying to “irrelevant schools.” My kid just laughed, shook his head, and walked away.
I think your student could benefit greatly from adopting a similar attitude with anyone who is judgemental about how she decides her future. Kids have a wonderful talent for opening their mouths and junk falling out w/o thinking, especially when those same kids are freaking out about their own college decisions.
We were blessed with a low stress, low-achieving school that allowed our kids to do a lot of things outside of school and didn’t have these kinds of competitive conversations about college choices. Find a mediocre school!
Focus on fit for her and maybe she can get some scholarship or award from that school that she can use in the brag-fest. My daughter decided on Wyoming when we were living in Florida, and I’m not sure everyone at her school even knew it was a state. It is definitely considered a lesser school by lots of people, but she loved it (and just received her diploma in the mail yesterday). Back in high school she proudly wore her sweatshirt when it was 80 degrees out and didn’t even blink when people rolled their eyes at her. One teacher she had really liked Wyoming and talked it up, so that helped. She got a scholarship from the theater department and was invited to the senior awards ceremony when many of her friends weren’t. She was the only one from the theater club who got an acting scholarship.
There was a lot of chatter of going to OOS schools or small private school, lots of touring and even some buying of the t-shirts, but in the end, most ended up at state schools.
I agree that there is ridiculous peer pressure at some of these HS. I suggest you tell your D not to talk about college with her friends. Then you can do some research to find colleges that would really fit her (and that she has a decent chance at getting into) and suggest she take a look at them. I will also say that the bragging rights about where kids applying is ridiculous. Anyone can apply anywhere. It means nothing. And it certainly doesn’t mean that they are getting into those high reaches. But even if they do, it shouldn’t be an issue. If your D finds the right place then who cares where everyone else ends up?
One thing that really resonates from above is to visit safeties. We have limited ability to tour schools and she’s been thinking that she has to visit the match/reaches, to “show interest.” I am going to really bug her to look at some safeties. Hopefully she will like them better than she expects! Like many teens, she thinks she knows more than she actually does about different schools that she has never seen. It’s all based on the comments at school.
Seems like from past postings that you live in MA, and she wants to be a nurse. Unfortunately, nursing is a highly competitive major in most places, making safeties more difficult to find (direct admit → more competitive; pre-nursing → additional level of competition for entry to major while in college).
Another option to look into is whether starting with an ADN (associates degree in nursing) at a community college followed by an RN-to-BSN program would be less competitive than getting into a BSN program in your state.
Have you considered Capital in OH? https://www.capital.edu/admission-nursing/
Sounds like this could be a safety for your daughter based on the info from your other threads?
Ashland is a pretty school. Back when I was in college, I had a Moot Court competition at Ashland. I remember thinking, why didn’t I give THIS school more thought. I certainly would’ve come out of college with far less debt.
I’m sorry that she is so stressed even before the end of junior year. Hopefully, she can focus on her list over the summer without hearing so much noise from her peers. I feel like it really ramps up when test scores are coming in and kids are doing spring break college visits.
If she is going to be applying for direct-admit nursing, she would probably have a different list of schools than many of her friends anyway.
My DS is having a similar experience. He has friends who flew from coast to coast over Spring Break to visit Top 10 schools. He just rolls his eyes.
I’ve found a range of match schools in the MidWest. We are looking for a specific sport plus engineering. These schools are all solid academically and the campuses look beautiful. We will visit this summer.
You might cast a bit wider geographic net. Check out nursing at the University of Arkansas.
If nursing is her goal that will relieve a lot of the pressure from comparisons. In MA, the UMass system as well as state colleges have good nursing programs, as do community colleges at the RN level. She could get her CNA and work, perhaps, to help with admissions and see if she likes the field. Endicott has a nursing program, as do some other privates like Curry, others…BC, Simmons and BU do as well and are very selective.
You all are so nice, really appreciate everyone’s thoughts. Just today I was telling her that the decisions people make senior year do not necessarily stick anyway. People change schools, change career paths, the story isn’t over with your first enrollment decision.
Yes, she is interested in nursing, but wants a full college experience and is attracted to bigger places . We fully support that. Her Dad and I both have such fond social memories of college and best friends to this day whom we met at age 18. We all think that if she attends community college or a very small college it will be harder to develop a social life. Maybe that’s not true, what do we know? Just an assumption.
We’ve tried to encourage her to think about alternative majors and apply later to nursing if she doesn’t get into choices she likes right off the bat. At this point, she’s unwilling to consider that but it may be the way to go.
For example, UMass Amherst, is a school that she likes but the nursing program is fiercely competitive. I think she’d have a good shot at the school as a whole-- she is a decent student!-- but not nursing. She finds UMass Dartmouth (easier to get into) depressing, on the other hand. And that’s where the Marathon Bomber went, she can’t stop saying that. She’s not into drugs/partying and people keep telling her that is a major party school.
I’m trying not to put too much personal info. But she is looking for schools that have a Jewish community too. Many otherwise good colleges with nursing major don’t have that.