Kid struggling mightily. Parents too. Don't know where to turn now or next.

Parents Forum
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<p>Look at “More Attention, Less Deficit” by Tuckerman and “That crumpled paper was due last week” by Hounyoun (or something like that). One doesn’t have to have full blown, diagnosed ADD to benefit from techniques to organize and prioritize. </p>

<p>How does the kid do when he loves the course? One of ours dropped a classics sequence (tons of reading, tons of essay writing, tons of not particularly interesting discussions) that he earned a D in and swapped in a Computer Science class (pragmatic, hands on, multiple choice tests) where he earned a decent B+. MAybe S is in the wrong courses. </p>

<p>There also might be merit in a work internship this fall so that courses seem more relevant. </p>

<p>Many, many people graduated at the bottom of their class and went on to productive lives (John McCain comes to mind). I’d focus less on the GPA and more on what makes the heart sing, job wise. That path leads to happiness, no matter what the GPA</p>

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<p>I think you need to find out a couple things. Does his school require a minimum GPA in the major classes…if they do, does he meet that GPA to even continue in his major. You might be able to look at his college website and figure this out. His overall GPA isn’t bad, but you closely at the classes that are in his major. Some schools will allow kids who fall below the required GPA for the major to petition. This was always a motivating factor for S1, he just didn’t want the hassle of having to “beg” to stay in his major. The upper level classes do “get hard” and for kids that skate…they just can’t anymore. Secondly, does he want to continue in that major and you need to find out if he wants to be in college, if so, then what is he going to do to get it done. Much of this is “on him” but you can talk to him and listen to what he is saying. Many kids need a break, too, to figure out what is important to them. Some finish and some don’t and that is simply reality.</p>

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<p>Your description of the prodding needed at home struck a chord with me. I would look into the ADD or learning issues with him. My son was diagnosed at end of junior year when his “coping abilities” were overwhelmed. He is very bright, great tester, but grades in classes could be all over the map. So I would at least try to investigate.</p>

<p>I also agree with others to go have a face to face and spend some time together. It may be difficult to have access to his mental health records, but you all will have to work that out together.</p>

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<p>Also encourage S to experiment: does vigorous exercise during the day help with class focus? And getting to sleep at a decent hour? </p>

<p>Here at CC we tend to sneer at the kids who run up bills with expensive coffee drinks but it might be worth $20 to experiment with some caffeine on the way to class for a week or so. </p>

<p>These two paths might not pan out but he would be taking some concrete steps to analyze (which is so much better than being miserable).</p>

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<p>Sending you a hug. This clearly is NOT the result of bad parenting.</p>

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<p>Here’s the latest: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.</p>

<p>Son procrastinated until yesterday on trying to contact advisor to find out what happens now – whether he is on academic probation, whether he will be required to sit out a term or two, whether he can take a class this summer – and now son says he probably won’t be able to talk to anyone for a few days.</p>

<p>Why am I not surprised? In the meantime, we are totally up in the air regarding whether one of us should travel there (and when), whether he should just come home, whether he needs to look for a longer-term job than a summer twenty-hour-a-week-volunteer position with housing and a small stipend, whether he can take a summer class (and what it will cost us if he can). This is emblematic of why this problem exists in the first place.</p>

<p>I am obviously very frustrated.</p>

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<p>I would call his adviser and see if he/she will talk to you. Leave a message, send them an email. Explain the problem and hopefully they return your phone call. Even if this person is off campus they may check email and VM. While most professors would consider a parent doing this hovering and would expect a kid to handle this on their own, your son is in need of help and if you explain the circustances to the advisor he may understand. I would also see if anyone at health services will talk to you. Perhaps you can try a confernce call with your son and health services. </p>

<p>The longer this takes to get resolved, the fewer options your son may have.</p>

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<p>BTW, I completely understand your frustration. My son has had my stomach in knots many, many times. In the meantime put this into perspective, what is the worse that happens? S loses a semester of school, he has to transfer, he takes a year off. Not ideal, but all obstacles that can be dealt with. </p>

<p>good luck to you and your son.</p>

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<p>I sent you a pm. Agree with mamom. Get up there, make an apt to talk to Dean/advisor with S, because unfortunately he is just not likely to do it, sometimes they are just not capable of advocating for themselves at this point in their lives.</p>

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<p>I was on academic probation twice in undergrad and have, sadly, some personal experience with it. He most likely will not be on academic probation, but will need to retake those courses. GPA usually has to drop below a 2.0, but as others have already said, check with his college to be sure. I retook classes in the summer and then they dropped the other grades from my transcript. My younger sister had been killed in a car accident right before the drop in grades, so writing a letter explaining the situation often helps clear the record. The summer courses were much easier for me to stay focused and get the work turned in since there were only two courses for several weeks. He could also do this at a community college and transfer the credits, but confirm that they fill the requirement first.</p>

<p>Now, just a strong hunch, but I am going to bet this is a partying issue. That’s how I numbed my pain at least. Seems a very common escape route for what ever the personal struggles. I didn’t graduate with my class, it took me another semester, but really I didn’t care at the time. I was just happy to be done finally. In grad school 10 years later, I graduated with a 3.8, and so the good news is, life moves on and people change. I know you are exausted, but stay on him. I had no help to get back on track and I wish I had had a mom that noticed what was happening (she was in her own pain). Best.</p>

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<p>Nice post by jkiwmom.</p>

<p>I will post another “hope” story. DS’ bff was never a particularly strong student - the only one in the friendship group with that profile. All of the others were very good to top students, honors/AP curricula etc. etc. Not the bff - B’s were his best. Reasons never totally clear - perhaps some LDs, perhaps lack of motivation, perhaps the understandable “we avoid what we are not good at”. He was good at sports, not a superstar, but that was an area of strength for him. He was always also a “people skills” person, the social nexus of the friendship group. Gatherings were almost always at his family’s home. I always believed the people skills would make him a winner in the end, and I often reminded his mom of this in her moments of despair (we were bffs among the school moms).</p>

<p>In college, big surprise, he pretty much majored in week-end skiing and partying. At the end of one semester, his mom found a still-shrink-wrapped text in his car - guess how he did in that class?</p>

<p>Kid was on academic probation more than once (way worse grades than OP kid), dropped classes not infrequently (probably because he’d rarely attended), flailed around about major. His parents morphed their hopes from him doing well in college to hoping he would just “get the degree.” He got it one term later than he “should” have and with a couple of summer terms to make that happen. With a GPA that, believe me, one would never want to put on a resume.</p>

<p>His was not a major that led to any clear career path and he graduated into the tough job market of the last couple of years. But when job leads came his way, he jumped on them full-force, sought appropriate help (asking those of us with the right background for resume review, interview tips, cover letter review…), followed up diligently. He landed a very nice job with a Fortune 500 company within a month or so of his graduation.</p>

<p>So these kids whose priorities are not really mature, for whom academics is not “their thing” (I know this latter part may not be true for the OP son), can find their comfort level and motivation sooner rather than later. Not soon enough to have smooth sailing from the get-go. But not too late.</p>

<p>Hope this gives another bit of hope.</p>

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<p>OP - Can your S re-take one or both of the classes over the summer, when it might be easier to focus? (If the courses are required for the major, anything below a C- might not be acceptable in any case.) Frazzled S and D report that many engineering and physical science majors do one or two retakes over the course of a college career, with no long term adverse effects. Before doing the re-take, however, I would encourage him to do a thorough and honest assessment of factors leading to the low grades, so as not to repeat the same scenario. </p>

<p>I think it is promising that he did well in three out of 5 courses, as often when one course is going badly and taking up lots of time, a student may find it difficult to keep up with other courses or become too discouraged to try.</p>

<p>I would not drop a major because of one or two failing courses, but I do think someone needs to find out, before he commits to re-taking, if it is too late for him to choose a different major (and perhaps compete a minor in the troublesome area, if he has already finished a good bit of the coursework anyway?) before beginning his senior year. IMO, it would take some of the pressure off to know that he can change course. If not, he might want to consider re-taking classes at an easier school.</p>

<p>Do you suppose it would be possible for you to e-mail a Dean with these questions? Also, would it be possible for him to take an extra semester to graduate, if doing so would allow him to finish another major and bring up his GPA, and take an internship related to that major over the summer before the last semester?</p>

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<p>Still struggling. Went to visit son this weekend. On the surface he seemed OK. But he still did not know anything about his academic status. We talked about things he needs to do – talk to his advisor about academic status and to find out if he gets credit for classes with D’s; find out if he can take summer classes (and what that would cost us); schedule appointment with mental health counselor for testing for learning disabilty and/or mental health issue; and contact and join campus group related to his career aspirations (which are not related to his major). He acted agreeable and said he would spend today making these calls and contacts. I made a list for him of questions since he did/would not write anything down.</p>

<p>Just talked to him. He called his advisor and found out he is academically eligible to take classes this summer and that he did not get credit for the classes he got D’s in. And he said he sent an email to the financial aid office about what summer classes will cost him/us. (No response, according to him.) And that is it. No other calls or contacts. He did not work today, nor do anything else at all (and has not worked or been taking classes since semester ended several weeks ago). When I expressed frustration that he had not followed through on the other things we talked about, he became belligerant and said that I knew he hated to have to call and talk to people.</p>

<p>I do not think there is any point in having him take classes this summer (or this fall) if he is not willing to step outside his comfort zone and do the things that need to be done (and, in fact, that should have been done two weeks ago). To me this is a clear indication that he has no intention of changing how he has been operating. (For example, in the past he has refused to go to professors’ office hours because he is not comfortable doing that; and he considers making any career-related contacts as kissing butt – which he refuses to do, too.) While this son does get a lot of financial aid, we are making a significant family financial contribution to his college education, too. If son is not willing to change, I think we are wasting our money. Spouse just hopes son will eke through and finish degree (although spouse also questions how son will ever find a job if he is not willing to talk to people about a job).</p>

<p>Son has not told us the name of the counselor he has talked to (this past semester, supposedly) at student mental health services. Should I insist on talking to this person directly? I don’t know if a mental health issue causes son to procrastinate/refuse talking to people he needs to, or if he is not doing it because he does not want to. Am I right in believing it would be a mistake for him to simply continue on (using our money) without making a commitment to change/address whatever issues he has?</p>

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<p>“Am I right in believing it would be a mistake for him to simply continue on (using our money) without making a commitment to change/address whatever issues he has?”</p>

<p>Are you suggesting withholding financial support? That sounds like a pretty dire step that could totally derail your son. He sounds fragile enough. I would encourage him to make up the classes he got Ds in this summer if he has that opportunity. Succeeding over the summer might help him regain some confidence and also make him more open minded about seeing a counselor. I guess what I’m suggesting is that you remain supportive, keep encouraging counseling but not threaten him in any way. After all, you don’t want him to drop out in sheer frustration and defeat.</p>

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<p>Has your child ever been tested for ADD? I know that people think this is over diagnosed - but, my D went through very similar behaviors (younger, but, still much later than necessary). Getting help with this was vital and essential to her being able to function in the world. It isn’t always about grades and school, it is about finding a way to help your child be able to focus and follow through. Just my opinion.</p>

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<p>I’ve had good luck getting all sorts of specific questions about academic status answered right on college websites. e.g. try googling “University of ____________” “academic probation”.</p>

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<p>I think even if your S does not have ADD a therapist would help with the social issues your S seems to have. But, it doesn’t seem like your S is a willing participant and you can’t make him go. I agree with katlia - allow him to finish the 4 years, offer to pay for summer school if you can and tell him you are there for him if he needs help. </p>

<p>Good luck, I am sure this is very frustrating.</p>

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<p>marionman, I understand everything you’re saying, the utter frustration of it, and I am inclined to agree with you that it’s a big fat waste of money if he is not putting any effort into it. And I even think my husband would be like yours, hoping he just ekes through! (I can easily imagine us being in your shoes in a couple years, but I am just hoping my soon-to-be freshman finds he really likes it when he gets there!)</p>

<p>Only thing, if I remember correctly, & he has 3 years done?, that is SO close. I just wanted to say I share your impulse, but I recognize that I can be more extreme than is perhaps constructive. Maybe you could make an agreement with him, in which he has to fund the remainder with loans & work, but if he puts effort into it, gets decent grades, and visits the therapist, etc., you will cover it.</p>

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<p>I suggest that you call the counseling center and talk to the director. He/she cannot give you any information at all but you can give information and ask that it be passed to the proper therapist. Next, call the assistant dean and talk with him/her yourself. Explain what your concerns are both in acedemics and about possible depression or social anxiety. The beauty of contact with the dean is that he/she can call a meeting with your son and he will go. The assistan or acedemic dean is the person who can answer all of your S’s questions about financial aid and schedules that would work for him.
When my S was having issues this past year I told him that either he called or I would. He did not so I did. I also brought him home to see his medical doctor and he had some concerning results that have resolved on their own but no doubt contributed to his issues. He also had a very very low vitamin D which has been corrected.
Good luck.</p>

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<p>OP- hugs to you. How scary and frustrating.</p>

<p>My thought would be to back off on all the talk of list making, office-hours visiting, therapy appointments, etc. You need an air clearing talk with no “to do’s” where you simply ask him, “Since you did not get credit for the two courses with the D’s what is your plan for graduating and if you have no plan for graduating, how do you plan to support yourself?” And then you have to stop talking and listen.</p>

<p>The simple truth is that you can’t drag him over the finish line to graduation from where you sit right now. You can’t get him to see a therapist (you can cajole and encourage and nag and plead-- but if he’s neither a danger to himself nor others, you can’t force him into therapy). You can’t get him to take ritalin or use yellow highlighters or go to office hours or meet with a tutor three afternoons a week (just to name a few things which may or may not help his academic performance.)</p>

<p>But regardless of how much it will cost you with his aid- he is not likely to turn his performance around without a specific action plan. And it sounds like he’s in deep denial about that. And he may or may not have thought through the consequences of not graduating on time, or not graduating at all. Or having to move home and fold sweaters at the GAP and pay you rent and cover his cellphone costs.</p>

<p>So if you can calmly tell him that you need to hear his plan for moving forward in order to write the check for next semester… since it’s throwing good money after bad to have him make up the courses without a plan to fix his performance… and then be quiet and let the penny drop.</p>

<p>Many kids hate networking; many males hate what they see as “brown-nosing”. But once they see the kind of jobs available to people who just fill out an employment application with no other effort required, they start to develop an appreciation!!!</p>