<p>How many parents have this kind of issue and how are they handling it?</p>
<p>We have a smart kid who we have been DRAGGING along on this whole college search process. It took a whole bunch of arm twisting to get him to go on campus visits and to apply to just 6 schools. Now that the acceptances have come in, we found that he really should have tried to look into a few more match or safety schools...financial aid offers have been pretty meager which narrows the field down to two (yes, only two) schools. We went to the open house for one of the viable options and he now doesn't seem too interested in going there...so that leaves him with the default state school which is a solid choice academically but may be too big for him to do well.</p>
<p>This is becoming very frustrating...we have been fighting the idea of being helicopter parents on this whole process (I despise how helicopter parenting is becoming more commonplace in American society but that's a different topic), but if the state school is a turnoff as well then we're looking at the possibility of either sending him away anyway and seeing how it goes or telling him to take a gap semester or year to figure things out. I'm really opposed to either option...the first one because of the potential for wasting a lot of $$ and the second one because the time off may make the situation worse.</p>
<p>Maybe our dear son will wake up in the next few weeks, realize his situation, and surprise us with a good solid decision that he will be happy with...but in the meantime...</p>
<p>If he can choose between his two options, then let him choose. If he can’t, then what about sending him to the affordable state school and either he flurishes or he transfers in a year or two. I don’t think everyone is cut out to find their “perfect” fit school. So much pressure. Some kids just go with the flow or grow where they are planted. Good luck!</p>
<p>I think you son will be doing fine. Kids have their own ways of dealing with their stuff. My S is not as freaked out as I was in the college search process. He got into our state flagship among other 4 highly ranked schools. Just let it be and leave them alone. I am sure all will turn out the way it supposed to be.</p>
<p>D was surprisingly apathetic about the whole thing. Didn’t want to visit schools; didn’t pore over websites. I don’t know if it’s their way of dealing with what has become an enormously stressful process – they just disengage, which may be healthier than becoming emotionally invested in the process. I think for a lot of kids, college is not the transformative experience it was 30 years ago. Maybe his approach is more realistic – college is not the be all, end all experience. Let him choose. Smart kids like your son will be fine whereever they end up.</p>
<p>Let me ask you this–are you really surprised, given your son’s personality? DS#2 is a current hs senior and fairly similar to your son with the whole college search thing. But he is a very quiet, very reserved young man. Always has been. He was never going to kick up his heels and be <outwardly> excited about any school. Do I wish his feelings were a little more obvious? That I didn’t have to drag things out of him? Well, yeah, but that’s not him.</outwardly></p>
<p>You might try this: I have said to him, “You know–you don’t have to go to college next year.” That did elicit a quite clear, “But I want to go to college.” Honestly, at times the past few months he’s said the opposite.</p>
<p>Now that we’re < 4 weeks away from decision time, I think I’m viewing this as a two-step process–first get him a little enthused about going anywhere next year; then focus on where that will be.</p>
<p>And I do keep telling myself that I do not want to make this decision for him, although it really seems like he could pretty easily be pushed into anything. OP–I think if both of us <try to=“”> refrain from making suggestions, the boys will have to come up with a decision. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. ;)</try></p>
<p>Did you ask your son what he wants? The foot dragging may be his way of making a decision and probably more common than you’d expect. Here’s my suggestion:</p>
<p>have a real “adult” talk (that is, lay it out with many options and be open to his responses) about what he wants to do. Don’t rehash how he wasn’t involved or whatever mistakes he made about this process. It is what it is. The cards are dealt: now what does he want to do? It should really be his choice and if you can get him to realize that, he’s on his way of growing up.</p>
<p>You could even say, “I know what I want you to do, but this is your choice and you’ll have to make that decision.”</p>
<p>^MyLB – good point about personality. Some kids RAVE about schools; others just aren’t the raving type. Some kids (no matter where they land) will bubble enthusiastically that they just love it there. Other kids are more quiet about it. Doesn’t mean they’re not happy – they just express feelings differently, and they have probably done so their entire life.</p>
<p>Good to read some similar stories…guess after reading here and hearing about kids who do extensive research, apply to 10+ schools, and have a multitude of choices, I was wondering how many kids are not in that type of situation.</p>
<p>In all honesty, taking a gap year is not an option for S (he needs to get out to school on his own) so he will need to decide on a school…even if he has only 2 viable options. Guess he can just try to transfer if his “choice” doesn’t work out for him.</p>
<p>MyLB: I’m really not surprised that we are in this situation, just frustrated about it. Just comes from being a parent who wants a lot for the S (and don’t we all want a lot for our kids?).</p>
<p>At the 20% success rate, you may have set the list too high for him? In our case, our success rate is 4 out of 12. Not that impressive either. But it is more or less in-line with our intial expectations going in.</p>
<p>Oh, this story all sounds so familiar. Luckily our kid got into the ONLY school he was interested in on his list. The other ones we coerced him into applying for, because you can’t just apply for one reach school. </p>
<p>Maybe it is just his personality not to get overexcited. Perhaps he thinks they will all be about the same and nothing about any of the schools actually piqued his interest. But a good state school will have alot of options, and now at least he has a choice. There is nothing you can do now, but encourage him to make his own decision. And as you said, he can transfer later if he’s unhappy.</p>
<p>He will change and grow as he gets to college. He sounds like a good kid, just because he’s not playing the same game as everyone else and running around hysterically…well, maybe he’s got more sense than all of us.</p>
<p>I agree some kids disengage due to the stress. not sure if it is more stressful to them or the parents. As parents you have to manage a lot of frustration w/kids that seem to “know everything”, but it has always been that way every generation. At one point I really think my D, now in college, thought she would end up on American Idol or The Hills and make it big that way. On the other hand to be honest many of us are living through are kids even when well-intentioned in wanting the best for them and the things we never had. It’s a complex deal to say the least.</p>
<p>As a parent I think you have to just stay on top of the kid, and show your concern. What are you going to do, if you throw up your hands and walk away, you are abdicating. Believe me it’s appealing, but you can’t give up. some kids just take a little longer to sort it out.</p>
<p>funny thing my S, who has the musical talent, is the one who tells ME, "hey dad it’s a real hit or miss, itinerant business, I need to go to a good college and get the degree. Even so, I still have to get him up in the morning to make it to H.S. on time. Seems impossible to let them grow up on their own, but college changes them a lot, just get them in if you can—then it all starts to come together a bit more.</p>
<p>I have had a lot of success with a recalcitrant teenager with this approach. I have found that as soon as my kids realize I “care” about something more than they do, they will “leave” it to me. I’ve definitely had to “act as if” I didn’t care about some things in order to hand the responsibility over to them.</p>
<p>Not always easy. But, it’s worked out pretty well in the long run. Kids do absorb our values and tend to have many of our same priorities when left to themselves.</p>
<p>My oldest son is now 21. I went through this exact same thing w/him during his Senior year of High School. The process is very overwhelming so we can agree on that as a starting point. It can also be overwhelming to chose a major or to go in as Liberal Arts because many kids, like my son cannot comprehend what one does w/a Liberal Arts Degree in the end. As a fellow CC reader, I say based on my personal experience and what you describe about your own son, I would say the red flags are up. I wasted $23K his freshmen year sending him to a private college/school that solicited him and recruited him to play baseball. The school was upwards of $45K so he got a partial scholarship. He didn’t apply to any other school, he begrudingly went on 3 tours w/me to other schools and opted out of the application process to those schools. Even though my son was accepted to the 1 school where he could play baseball & get an education, he was never really thrilled about that choice in the end. He managed to stay the 1 year, and enjoyed his baseball experience but never really engaged in the school or never really loved it. He didn’t go back his Sophmore year & didnt decide until 3 day before move in that he was staying home. In the end, he should have went to Community College that first year instead of the private university. Community college gave him the opportunity to explore a number of options, still play sports and still be achieving towards something greater which is the degree. The credits earned at community college are transferrable to the state university/college and most community colleges have a feeder program right to the state university/colleges at reduced tuition rates. You should look into it. My son was able to take 13 credits his first semester of Sophmore year for roughly $2500 dollars -vs- the $45K for his private college. It was kinda a no brainer. Who cares about what this one is doing and what that one is doing from his graduating class. You’ll realize as I did, that many kids he graduates with that are going here & there will be back by Xmas and will pursue different options other than where they started because the schools they chose weren’t the right fits. Do youself and your son a favor and send him locally and less expensive for the 1st year and let him get his feet wet for a fraction of the cost. There’s nothing wrong with it. My son is able to work 15-20 hours a week at local hardware store, keep his car on the road and take his classes at school and be productive and keep the costs down while figuring out what he wants to do. My son too, is a very smart boy. He recently passed the EMT certification for the state and is going on for his Paramedics. He will have to xfer soon, but it’s been a easier to manage him discovering himself while keeping expenses down. Just my 2 cents.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about how many viable options he has…fact is, most kids with lots of options winnow those options down to 2 or 3 and then make a decision.</p>
<p>I had a similar sense – that my S was not as engaged as I thought he should be. He has been interested but not excited about going to college. Over the months I have gotten snippets of information from him. He found the applications stressful because he felt like people were “evaluating his life.” I also think he is scared of all the upcoming changes. Plus I think the cost of college really freaks him out. If it were up to him, he would prefer to just enjoy senior-year activities and finish his last semester and AP tests without thinking that he needs to go to a new school in the fall. </p>
<p>I joke around about being Copterguy but I do let him make his own decisions within our financial constraints. If it were up to me, he would be on his way to a LAC, but he chose not to apply to those. We are also in a similar situation with financial aid - some of the schools are just not feasible – but I’m very happy about the two or three that are still in the picture.</p>
Just wanted to make a couple of comments on this post:
It really wasn’t up to us to set the list, it’s his college search not ours. We were certainly involved nevertheless (too much IMO) and we did provide enough oversight to make sure he didn’t bother with top LACs or any of the Ivies.
Your child applied to 12 schools…as mentioned, it was a major effort on our part to get our S to apply to “only” 6. I’m sure that if he applied to more schools he would have had more choices, but he didn’t so he doesn’t.</p>
<p>Hang in there, hammer. I am really <relatively> calm/laid-back/everything-works-out-for-the-best, but occasionally the last week or so even I’ve woken up and told myself I need a day off (from checking CC, looking over the spreadsheets–again, wondering who we might hear from, . . .) As I’ve told others, there’s really no need to decide much <em>before</em> May 1st. I’ve also suggested trying to drop the topic for a week (or a few days, anyway). </relatively></p>
<p>I’ve likened the college search/application/decision process to labor. At some point the decision is made/baby is born. They really do both come to an end. (And then what will you have to fret about?)</p>
<p>And in the meantime, enjoy your son’s senior year. I’ve made a conscious effort not to wish any of this time away.</p>