<p>I know this is probably a common problem but seeking advice from all of you CC parents out there. My D1 freshman came home this weekend for fall break and we were finally able to get to hear about problems she is having at school. We thought things were going well and schoolwise things are terrific. She loves her professors and loves her classes. However she is terribly lonely and not making friends like we thought. My dgt is not a party-goer. She feels it is wrong to drink when you are not 21, and she really doesn't like to go to parties when there is drinking. She is also not promiscuous. Her freshman floor actually started a wh chart, when you would get a gold star when you had sex. She was getting a lot of ribbing and teasing for not getting her gold stars when she has a boyfriend. I commend her for standing her ground and having morals. The seniors in her department heard about the chart and it was immediately taken down. However, she is now being ignored. Her roommate is never in the room, always down the hall. She had good friends in high school so it is not like she has never had friends. She is living in an LLC so most everyone is a dance majors and it seems and I may be overgeneralizing that most of those on her floor are not as academically inclined. She needs her quiet space to study so she does go to the library a lot. She is very focused on her studies. I feel like I have to defend her behavior when she is one terrific kid. She just is feeling ostracized and left out. She has a car so girls are being friendly to get a ride and then will not invite her to eat with them or even to hang with them. She invited herself one day and then they all left her before she finished eating. Just trying to give examples. She is really trying but finding other girls with like interests and personality is proving difficult. I am well aware that college is all about learning to find yourself and feeling comfortable with being who you are but bottom line she is lonely and hurting. She is very busy with rehearsals and such so joining more groups would probably not work right now. The rehearsals are mainly with upperclassman or the same freshman who are ignoring her. Any suggestions would be great!</p>
<p>I have no suggestions, it seems like your D is trying. I am sorry to read how hard this has been for your daughter and would just tell her to keep trying, it has only been a short while yet. She will find girls she clicks with. Hugs.</p>
<p>Just wondering how her relationships are with the upperclass students - particularly those she sees in rehearsals. Could she focus on developing friendships there? Or in her classes? Nothing says her best friends have to come from her freshman hall.</p>
<p>I’ve seen similar posts from other parents and the best advice is generally patience and focusing on making one friend - and then hopefully things will progress from there. You have my sympathy - I know it’s hard to hear that she is unhappy.</p>
<p>Is there a church group she could join? Many churches have youth groups that have dinners, parties etc on weekends. It’s a great place to find like minded people. I was in one in college (although I’m not that religious and really none of us were come to think of it) and it was a great social outlet. The friends made there are still friends today. I dragged my friends to my church group also–all were welcomed (and we were all different denominations). The great friendships were more important than the religion part.
Unlike a club, church groups don’t put added demands on you to DO something (especially when you’re already overbooked). Fellowship is usually the key word. If a group seems too pushy, just drop it and try another.</p>
<p>This is awful, I feel so for you & her. </p>
<p>My freshman D is in a suite of 6 and 4 of them are drinkers. 3 of them do it with each other a lot, pregame, etc and they are up late every night, noisy and have gotten behind in their hw though I think they are waking up to that. The 6th is from Jamaica, very shy & hangs around with her older sister, a jr at the school, all the time. </p>
<p>My D did explain that there is a lot of alcoholism in her family & that is why she chooses not to drink. I told her, be very wary of coming across as preachy. The roommates understand the family history thing & do not snub her for her choice. But, she is not getting to socialize with them.</p>
<p>She does, however seem to have been finding others to hang around with. Maybe your D should go looking for some Asian friends—they often have a gene that makes them flush red & feel awful if they have a drink & have to avoid it. That is who my D has wound up with (the other non drinkers, lol).</p>
<p>She will find friends, don’t worry, the early weeks can be difficult.</p>
<p>My D is also going elsewhere to study on account of the noise—she has discovered the Humanities bldg on her campus; it is an old mansion with a lot of nooks & crannies & it is also a beautiful bldg, heavy carved wood & all that. So it is pleasant to be there even if it is for homework. </p>
<p>In her classes, does she try to say hello & intro herself to some of the people sitting near her? Go out for coffee after class? Set up a little study session maybe? If they have similar subject interests some of them might be a bit more like her temperamentally. </p>
<p>There was a thread here of advice for new students & I remember one guy said he also did not want to drink & party with the rest of the hall, when he was a freshman. So he waited for the rowdies to leave on weekend nights, when they headed for the bars & all, then he cruised the dorm halls looking for the other guys who had not gone out. And he then invited them to do things with him —watch games, go out for some activity the next day (when the others were nursing hangovers), do the hiking & those other clubs etc etc. He then roomed with some of them the next year and they all became best friends. </p>
<p>You don’t have to join clubs necessarily; there are one time activities and trips and things most colleges offer. And, even if you do join a club, you do not have to go to every meeting or event they do. They are all students and they all know there are papers, test and other things the members have to do first. I would suggest trying out a few of whatever clubs & things her school has, just to see if she meets some friendly people there who are not as focused on the nonsense. No obligation to be there at every meeting.</p>
<p>Good luck to her!</p>
<p>Repeat this line a lot: “It takes time.” </p>
<p>It does, especially for kids who don’t party. D1 has IBS. Know what alcohol does to an IBS gut? Not pretty. She doesn’t like to attend parties as she’s sober and ends up playing mom to the drunks. She made one friend. Then, she made friends with some upper classmen in the choir. She just doesn’t go party with them. Don’t know when your D started, but we’re at midterm. It took a good month. And no, she never did become friends with her roommate.</p>
<p>One more thing. and this is hard. Your D may (unintentionally) put out the vibe of judging others not just “I don’t like to drink (acceptable)”, but “you shouldn’t either” (unacceptable). No one goes to college to be followed by a peer parent. And not all parties are created equal anyway.
Hanging out in your dorm room studying alone or living at the library are
not seen as social interaction and if that’s what you do on a continual basis, people will go out of their way to leave you alone.<br>
Now, get a study group together whether you need the help or not. Have the study group in your dorm room. Might only be a couple people. Heck, pick your easiest subject so you can talk rather than concentrate on actual studying. Best of all if they are on your hall (but not required). They may or may not become best friends but at least you’ll be seen as someone worthy of companionship by those around you. And you’ll probably have fun too.
Get a book about starting conversations and holding your own in a conversation. Some of the people she’d be happiest with probably can’t get started easily either–somebody has to do it!
If you’re at the library, look around at who is there with you–take a study break with one or two (especially if they’re cute!)</p>
<p>I should have added — I send care pkgs with lots of candy in them, and things you need to share with others (glow in the dark bracelets etc). I got told once, “I don’t want to get the freshmen 15” & I said, the candy is for sharing. You walk down the hall, saying, “My Mom sent me a care pkg full of M&Ms…”</p>
<p>Will be picking her up this weekend (dentist appt) and am sending her back with a pumpkin for carving, and the carving tools are already in the box going back with her. Battery operated tealigts for inside.</p>
<p>She is going to have to have others carve it with her, right? And eat the pumpkin seeds.</p>
<p>When I have been in such situations in my life, I usually go and work out.</p>
<p>Perhaps they have aerobics classes for the girls, and stuff like that.</p>
<p>At least she would then be accomplishing something, and there are other people working out that she can talk to. </p>
<p>Having a boyfriend, in my view, is not wise. She now has her own life. Her school is now her planet. The boyfriend now essentially lives on a different planet. Having a boyfriend likely impedes her from socializing like the other girls do.</p>
<p>Because she can move to a different dorm in January, if things still aren’t working out.</p>
<p>Is your D politically inclined at all? There is a lot of political activity going on right now, both on the left and the right. If she can get involved with a group or a cause, even if with non-students, that will introduce her to intelligent, like minded people.</p>
<p>Great advice about scouring the halls for the people who didn’t go to the party!</p>
<p>Does the school have clubs she could join? Let her pick one or two activities that she enjoys and she can find people that way …</p>
<p>D2, who is one of the most outgoing and sociable people one could imagine,also had a hard time making things “click” in the dorm…it was just a odd mix of people. She found that after the first couple of months, more students started staying on campus (instead of going home) on weekends. Those people on her floor who chose not to party had initially just gone home on weekends to avoid the whole scene. She did have the advantage of having an older sister to hang out with at first, but it was a very bizarre situation, and one I would never have dreamed she’d be in. She started with study groups, and then found people who shared her same interest in movies to hang out with. Your daughter shouldn’t hesitate to roam the other floors in her dorm looking to see who is still around on a night when most everyone else has gone out. Tell her to just hang in there, and use the extra time to get her grades off to a stellar start.</p>
<p>My girls have been in roughly similar situations and I feel for yours (and for you too - I think it hurts the parents even a bit more than the kids). It sounds like your daughter is a dance major and - at the risk of stereotyping - girls in the dance world are often competitive and obsessed with body image; not the kindest gentlest culture. Maybe she can get out of that dorm next semester or next year. With time and a little effort, she’ll probably find her people. As a parent, I’ve found it important (and not so easy!) to give the love and sympathy and (when possible) useful advice without getting overinvolved so that my concern becomes a burden or makes the kid feel pitiable.</p>
<p>I know you said she’s too busy to join other groups, but this really is the answer–the suggestion for a religious group is a good one, if there’s one that fits–that’s where you’re going to find some kids who don’t drink, etc.</p>
<p>My son is also having a tougher time than he thought he would making friends. Roommate is fine, but limited. Similar story: not a big drinker and not interested in gigantic parties (but likely would have a drink at smaller gatherings). He is fine, but would like to have a few more folks to hang out with. I think my memories of college are somewhat fuzzy as I recall hanging out with my close friends (still some of my closest friends), but it took a while to find them. He joined a few activities, but it still takes time. I agree with those that said it is as hard (if not harder) on us as it is on the students. </p>
<p>I hope things start going better for all of our kids.</p>
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<p>I wouldn’t generalize like that as there are plenty of Asians who can hold their own liquor…including yours truly. </p>
<p>Despite only being an occasional social drinker, I’ve found I can hold my own in this regard and was shocked to find many caucasians who couldn’t hold their liquor even though they drink much more frequently. It was pretty bad in one road trip I not only drank my own bottle of sake, but also had to help a Caucasian friend finish half of his and then assist him in walking the three blocks back to our hotel room because he was red faced and couldn’t stand at all. On the other hand, I just felt slightly more relaxed. </p>
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<p>I agree…especially considering how the rest of the students “froze” your D out after they had to take that chart down. Word does get around as to who was the responsible “killjoy” when sudden restrictions/crackdowns are imposed on what many/most enjoy…especially if the school in question is a small LAC. </p>
<p>They’ve probably figured out your D was somehow responsible and felt she’s trying to impose “her morals” on everyone else. Rightly or wrongly, this was one reason why people who publicly proclaim their morals such as the proponents of Prohibition tend to be looked upon dismissively as holier than thou moralistic scolds, killjoys, or “busybody do-gooders.”</p>
<p>To be fair to the OP’s D, it also sounds like they’re a bunch of busybody jerks for getting on her case. Her desire to not participate on that chart is her business and no one else’s. </p>
<p>She needs to get as much positive support from the OP and her friends and find more congenial friends on her campus. Several commenters offered great suggestions on how to do the latter. Hope she pulls through.</p>
<p>Similar daughter with same problems . She actually joined a church choir off campus and found many people from campus who sing also , even some professors . My D has never been a party girl in HS but has made friends from her dorm and classes . She now has a single on a top floor ,on a corner with extra windows and is very happy as it is quiet . She calls me several times a day , which I love .</p>
<p>College is not only about academics. Freshman do not need to go to bars and be promiscious to make friends. They need to be involved in college life, they are having people around them in their classes, being in a room and studying all the time is not a good idea, it will not even results in very good grades, it is simply frustrating. First, it is extremely important to choose UG school that is a great match to personality and wide range of interests, not only academic interests. Second, keep up with academics, but get involved in activities of your personal interests, get involved in college life, there are plenty of events to meet people, make friends, even just offerring help in classes that kid is taking, BTW that is how my D. got the best job on campus without applying. Prof. hand picke her because he saw a second line forming to ask questions that he would not have enough time. D. apparently offerred help, kids liked her explanations and she got known in her class for that. There are ton of ways, they are young and should have fun and they do not need to do what they do not want to for that. Having a BF or GF is not a requirement either.</p>
<p>Don’t worry you are not over generalizing about the dancer thing. Its true, my sisters a Dance Major.</p>