My boyfriend and I have been dating for a bit over two years now and have discussed moving into an apartment together in the semi-near future. We currently live in a small town and go to a small community college and both plan on transferring to the same university next fall. Shortly after the beginning of next fall semester we will meet our 3 year anniversary.
We both feel like we could handle living together in a two bedroom apartment. We already spend most of our time together at one of our houses so we are well aware of each other’s annoying tendencies (although I’m sure we will come across many more). We do feel like we will need our own bedrooms because we don’t want to push ourselves into each other too much and be stuck up each other and want to be able to keep separate, private areas even though honestly we will probably sleep in the same bed most nights.We are going to be about 4-5 hrs from our hometown and parents and don’t know anyone else going to the same university as us. We plan on joining clubs to prevent limiting ourselves to only each other and to also further encourage our academic success. We are not sure of all the ins and outs of living together, or even alone, because we both live with our parents still.
We have not discussed this with our parents yet, though his mom has mentioned to him that she does not like the idea is us living together (no specifics mentioned, like # of bedrooms). I threw around the idea of a one bedroom apartment (without my boyfriend) while talking to my mom recently and she disapproved and said I would need to have a roommate in case something happened to me while I was out and about, so they would realize something was wrong when I don’t come home when I say I will.
So my two questions would be 1) what are the pros and cons of living with your boyfriend (or girlfriend; he will read this about me, too), and 2) what would be the best way to bring this up to discuss with our parents?
Thank you in advance for your kind responses and time! I’m aware that there will be differing opinions in the comments and people who disapprove with our ideas, and that’s perfectly fine. We are both hoping to gain insight on the situation from all points of views!
My opinion is that if you aren’t ready to commit to staying together long term that it isn’t a great idea. If you both think it is potentially a long term (eventually marriage) relationship, then consider it. I like the 2 bedroom idea. But if you break up, you are still stuck sharing space because you will have a lease together.
I have no real advice on the parent front, except to say that if they disapprove, don’t expect the 2 bedroom conversation will make them any happier. Also, if they are still paying your bills (tuition or housing), then you should respect their wishes if they don’t want you to do it. If you are adult enough to live together, you need to be self supporting if they don’t want you to live together.
I’d also add that you likely won’t get the most out of your college experience if you do this. Making friends and learning to “adult” without someone from your hometown as a roommate would be good. Later on you might wish you had done it differently.
We both can see a future together and have discussed getting married but both want to wait until we are done with school. We are both aware of the possibility of us breaking up though, we try to be realists about everything. We both tend to be very realistic and compliant and have common sense, so even though a break up would be awful and complicate a lease, I think we would be able to work through it if need be. Our parents are both very good at handling situations of high stress and complication like that as well.
I have Florida prepaid so most of my tuition is paid for, for a few years but my parents will be paying my rent and buying books (also car, healthcare, etc). Food, gas, clothes, anything extra will be my responsibility.
His parents will be paying out of pocket for everything. He will have to get a job to support as much as he can, though.
We know it is a tough subject for parents, and hats why we wanted advice. We couldn’t morally go against their wishes and live together if they didn’t all approve it (or at least tolerate it).
Not sure if ages help but I graduated HS in 2017 and will be 20 at the time of move in, and he will graduate HS in 2018 and will be 19 at the time of move in.
How old are you?
If you’re still living with your parents, then I highly doubt they will think this is a great idea.
The harsh truth is relationships get messy, and you’ll be adding in financial obligations to a relationship that hasn’t really stood the tests of time and maturity (as in paying for rent, utilities, food, cleaning, cooking, insurance, etc) You think you are mature, but living with your parents shaves off a whole lot of daily stress that can turn a fun relationship really unfun quickly!
Can you live in dorms while at this new school?
It seems to me that if you go live on your own for a year, either in dorms, or with other roommates, at least you’ll know what that’s like, and won’t miss out on the fun of being a college kid.
I think @intparent has a good point that if you live together, you’ll be less likely to reach out to new people and experiences in your new college environment. I think you’d be better off waiting a year.
That is why we planned on joining (separate) clubs and things like that but if you feel like that won’t be sufficient based off of your experiences, then we will definitely heavily consider that. We are not trying to close each other off from outside events but also want the safety and familiarity of each other in this new environment. We also felt like if we joined academic clubs focused around our majors (which are probably going to be psychology for me and mechanical engineering for him) we would meet our own seperate friends and also have that group of people to push us academically, since that is the main focus and reason all of this is being contemplated in the first place.
That’s just it, you want the safety and familiarity of each other in the new environment. I think it will be too easy to just lean on each other and not really invest yourself in your new environment and stretch to meet new friends and do new things. If you each have your own roommates, you might find that you like them and make friends with their friends. Roomates could be a good gateway into a new environment. On the other hand, a strange roommate might be an awful experience, but it’s just that, an experience. Neither you nor your boyfriend have ever had roomates or lived with anyone but your families. I think living with others and learning how to adapt to others is a really important step in the maturation process. I think you and your boyfriend would be better off in your separate apartments for a year before you move in together. You used to hear about women who in the 1950s and 1960s went straight from their parents house into a marriage, and then they had a difficult time 20 years later because they felt like they never had alone, independent time and they missed that growth opportunity. Your case is slightly different but I think that some of the issues still apply.
Thank you for your opinions! And there is no rush, we just didn’t see the point in having seperate places if we would be at one of our places anyways. We figured we would rather invest (and are assuming that from a financial standpoint our parents would agree also) into something we are both using and is being used regularly and is being kept up with. If we have seperate apartments we feel like one of them will be unused most of the time and our parents money is being thrown away for something that isn’t being used, or is being used by a third party and who know who that will be.
No one knows what the future holds. You may wind up being together forever. Or, you may wind up breaking up at some point. Too many changes at once will be happening to your lives and relationship: 4-year college vs. community college (yes, there is a difference), living away from home, navigating a new environment. Because of all of this and your age, I would not advocate moving in together at this time. I would also not use the whole “hey, see how much money we’re saving our parents by living together” argument with said parents. When you are paying your own way, you two can do whatever you want, which will be when you are out of college and earning a living. In the meantime, either get on-campus housing or off-campus and get a roommate or roommates. Your relationship should be able to weather this; if it doesn’t, it’s a lot easier to break up when you aren’t living under the same roof.
We didn’t plan on using the “saving money approach” because that is not our motivation to move in together. Our personal comfort, safety and security, and the open ways of communication between me and my “roommate” and his parents, vice versus for him, and the sheer fact that we will probably end up at one of our homes anyways are the few motivations I’m thinking of right now as I prep for my last final of the semester, so I may be a bit scatterbrained. We don’t want to make this decision with the wrong motivations. The potential to save money is a bonus.
The potential to break up will never go away, but at the point of move in we will be together for 3 years, so we are familiar with each other and our families, and have a good idea of who each other are. I feel like that is important but then again, I have never done this before.
From your responses it sounds as if you have already made up your mind. While I am in agreement with those who say you are too young let me offer one piece of advice if you choose to do this
Whatever you do, DO NOT make any large purchases (furniture, appliances etc) together. In the event of a break up (which at your age is more likely than not) it will be much easier to split the belongings and move on.
That being said, good luck to you and I hope all works out for the best.
Personally I would feel college is your time to explore and meet new people and to get involved in school. The best way to do this would be to live on campus with some room mates. You want to have an independent life outside your relationship. As a parent I would just say be open to meeting new people. People change and mature over time. The person you were in high school and the views you had then may change when you start at this new school. When you graduate your priorities and outlook on life maybe totally different. Don’t let your relationship hinder your chances to experience new things and grow as a person. I feel in a healthy relationship you get to spend time with each other but you also experience life as individuals because each of you has also your own journey into adulthood. You each have interests, hobbies, and career goals that are independent of each other. Also college is one time when you are surrounded by so many other students your age. The more you interact with people from different backgrounds and life experiences the more you will grow as an individual and figure out what it is that is important to you in your life. Also your career paths may take you to jobs in different cities. If it was my daughter I would tell her to focus on her academic and career goals first because I think it is very important these days to become an independent woman who can take care of herself. I am saying this as a single parent of a daughter in college. Now is the time to give priority to yourself. Relationships come and go and at the right time I believe you will be with the person you were meant to be with. Right now you are a student with no responsibilities so this is the best time to focus on your career so that you can have a better future for yourself. Education is your ticket to living the life you dream for yourself. It’s much harder to prioritize yourself when you have relationships and children because then you have to make some compromises and can’t 100% only focus on your goals. Now is the time to focus on being the best version of yourself.
My mind is made up as to what I want right now. I was looking for insight on the pros and cons of living with your boyfriend, not reasons not to, though they have been helpful.
I am unsure about my parents feelings, thats why I was asking for advice on how to talk to them about it.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I will definitely keep all of this in mind throughout my many years of college.
Looking ahead should you decide to rent a place together keep in mind that you will probably be working internships over the summer which may require you to move to another town and rent a place for the summer. Would you or your family be able to afford for you to have to pay for rent for two places assuming you would sign a one year apartment rental contract for the school year?
As far as talking to your parents I think you need to present a stronger case aside from it would save them money because they may have certain expectations from you as a student if they are paying your college expenses. Things like getting paid internships over the summer to help pay for college expenses. If you are planning to work while attending college to support yourself that would show that you are working towards becoming financially independent and that might be of help to them. I assume they would have to cosign a rental agreement and would be responsible for utilities or any damage to the unit while you are living there. Also how would the living expenses be divided? Would you have a legal agreement with your partner should he decide to stop paying the rent? What happens if one of you later decides to move out? Who would pay the remainder of the rental agreement? These are concerns most parents would have in this situation. Another concern would be would they be comfortable with you living with your partner while they are financially supporting you. There would be additional costs of furnishing the place, food, rent, and utilities. I assume you need transportation, car insurance and also money for gas and car maintenance. Who would be providing those funds. These are things you would need to clarify with them.
Either they will support your decision or they will say no. All I am saying is be prepared to present your reasons maturely and show that you have thought this all out properly.
I have no problem with people living together. I lived with my college bf after being together a year. A lot of my friends did too. Didn’t end poorly for anyone. shrug.
Oh, and I married said boyfriend after college. Lots of my friends have married their college SOs too.
That said, if they pay your rent, they get the final say. I paid for all my own crap in college so my parents didn’t have a say- not that they would object. His parents didn’t really like it for religious reasons but we didn’t find that out until much later.
I don’t have a problem with you two living together. To be honest, finding a roommate for junior year for each of you is going to be tough (unless you find other transfer students), most people have already made plans for next fall by now. And truthfully the two bedroom thing even sounds strange, you won’t be too crowded in an apartment with only one other person no matter how small it is.