Living Together During College

Student Lounge College Life
1

I was just curious: is it really such a terrible idea to move in together during college?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now and we’ve started discussing what our future is going to look like, and during those discussions, we’ve brought up living together. Now, we’re not thinking about living together these next two semesters (our sophomore year), but we were thinking about it for junior year. And I just want to know if it would be the worst idea in the world, or if there’s a possibility that it could actually turn into something positive.

I’ve looked at a lot of articles that have talked about the steps that someone should take in order to know if they’re prepared to move in together, and a lot of it is true for us as a couple. Over the past school year, to be honest, I practically lived in his dorm room. His roommate was incredibly lax and wasn’t even there half the time, so we had the experience of living in the same room for the length of an entire semester. Were there some fights every once in a while? Yes, but I think that comes with every roommate, especially if you’re comfortable with them. As well as that, we’ve discussed how things would get paid, how rent for the apartment has to be split either way, and I’m sure we could have that good ol’ “what happens if we break up” talk. I’m a pretty mature person and I think I could handle it. If it didn’t work out, it wouldn’t be hard for me to get back on campus.

As well as that, it kind of makes sense to just give moving in together a shot. We’re going to live seperately this coming year, but I know that we’ll just end up living at each other’s places the moment we’re on campus. And if moving in together doesn’t work out, then at least we gave it a shot, right? If things keep going as they are, we’re bound to move in together anyways in the future, so why not give it a run now? I feel like if we break up because we moved in together then we were bound not to work out in the end anyways.

But, yeah, I just wanted to get some opinions on this. I’m not one for the whole wait until marriage mindset, so that doesn’t really matter to me. Gotta try the milk before you buy the cow, right? I feel like it’d be even worse to get married and then figure out I despise living with the guy, so that whole argument doesn’t really sway me. But, again, just looking for some insightful views on this. I’d really appreciate some deep discussion on the whole thing. If you don’t think it’s a good idea, explain why. If you think it’s a great idea, still explain why. :slight_smile: I’m open to discussion.

2

I did with my then BF, now husband, over 30 years ago. :slight_smile:

3

Why don’t you see how this next school year goes. You don’t have to decide right now, probably not until winter/spring of next year. As your relationship progresses you will have a better idea if you two are really prepared to make that commitment. You bring up a lot of pros and cons, and there will always be those.

4

Who is paying for college? Your parents? What do they think about that? I assure you there is a difference between knowingly paying for you to live with BF in an apt and being purposefullly ignorant about where you actually sleep each night.

Also i would want my child to probably dorm as a sophomore…concentrate on school…don’t worry about having to keep house/buy food/make food…also if you did break up, you would have leases to deal with.

College shoudl be a time to explore…dont’ tie yourself down yet even if you continue to see him.

I ended up marrying my freshman year BF but we didn’t live together until we were married.

5

I have told my S that I won’t financially support him living with a significant other while he is in college. It’s not out of some moral conviction but that I don’t want him to have to deal with the fallout if the relationship ends. I know when things are going well it seems like you’d be able to handle a break-up just fine. But try to imagine how you will feel if your boyfriend breaks it off with you, and you are in the middle of a semester. You have all that school pressure, possible work pressure also, and then one of you needs to move out. You’re forced to live together until other arrangements can be made. The stress of dividing up what belongs to whom while also dealing with a broken heart.

This also happens to people once they graduate, but being young and dealing with college at the same time makes it so much worse. Keeping two separate places during college allows you to get away from each other when you need to, and if the breakup happens, it’s a much cleaner process.

6

Boy and I started dating sophomore year and essentially moved in together right away (dorm rooms were only a floor apart and my roommate was always MIA so he was there). By summer we were officially living together. Just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary (married after I finished my masters) so I guess we did all right.

I don’t see anything wrong with it and I knew more people who lived with SOs during junior and senior years than didn’t.

As for risk of a break up, honestly that’s the risk you take no matter when in life you move in together. But I’d personally never ever marry someone I hadn’t lived with.

7

Seems like you’re going to get some mixed opinions here, but I’ll throw mine into the running too. Personally, I’ve always been pessimistic about couples living together in college. One of my friends is living with her boyfriend this summer, which I think is better (and maybe something you should consider instead if you end up being in the same location for a summer) and another one of my friends is living with her boyfriend and then 4 other girls next year, which I think just sounds awful (but of course, it’s her choice to make).

There are a couple things. The most obvious: what if you break up? And it seems like you know that’s a possibility, but I can’t even fathom how hard it would be to go through a break up and then have to negotiate your lease with your landlord, followed by either moving out or getting a new roommate (who will, most likely, only serve as a reminder that you and your boyfriend broke up). Getting out of a lease isn’t easy, and depending on your landlord, it might not even be possible. I’m no lease expert, but getting my landlord to sign off on a subletter for me was hard enough; getting out of a contract altogether might be impossible.

And then another thing that I don’t think anyone has mentioned so far: Why? College is a time when you can live with your closest friends and have fun doing it. I understand that your boyfriend might be your best friend, and I understand you probably have fun with him. But honestly? It’s not the same. I wouldn’t give up the unique experience of college living. You can always live with your friends and then stay at his apartment when you’re tired of it. You can always live with him after college. But you don’t want him to be your whole life now. And I feel like living in a rundown apartment with your best friends is a college experience you don’t want to trade away.

8

Lived together during law school, not undergrad, although I’m not certain that’s significant, except that we were both a tad older. Don’t know of any relationships that survived, including ours, but we’re still friends. @Ranza123 posits a good practical point in paragraph 2, but one that could crop up even if you share an apartment with a friend. Paragraph 3? Nah. If your relationship is at the point where you want to spend that time with each other, I see no reason to separate yourselves artificially.

9

I really disagree with ranza’s last paragraph. It sounds like a highly idealized college thing that isn’t a reality for many of us. What are we going to do living together? Have pizza parties and do each other’s face masks?

I actually did live with my best college friend as well as my then-boyfriend. College best friend and I lived together from second semester freshman year through graduation.

Now I live with my best friend of over 10 years and I’m a few years post-grad. (Yes, he lives with my spouse and me.)

College isn’t the end of the time to do anything. You can still live with close friends. Since buying my own house, I’ve had several close friends live with me as they transition into other points in their lives. But then again, I’m not someone who particularly likes being around people all the time so not living with them was fine by me.

How is living with someone making them your whole life?

I lived in enough run down places while growing up… there’s really nothing all that special about it and it pretty much sucks. If I wanted to live in a run down apartment with my friends, I wouldn’t have gone to college.

10

@AboutTheSame @romanigypsyeyes Fair points; again, I was just giving my personal opinion. I dated a guy for four years and never felt the urge to live with him in college, and I am extremely thankful I never did. Feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt. When I say you don’t want to make him your whole life, I mean when you live with him you can’t separate your home life from your relationship life. And maybe you don’t want to separate those things, but some people do.

The point that college isn’t the end of the time to do anything is part of my point: you can live with him after college as well.

Again, obviously just a difference of opinion.

11

Aren’t you like halfway through college? I guess the way-back tone is intended to reflect the conclusion of the relationship, not the college experience, but in either case this isn’t exactly the “wisdom from experience” advice it sounds like, right?

12

To clear up some of the basics that I probably should have mentioned earlier:
My parents aren’t paying for my schooling, no. I’m paying for it on my own through scholarships, loans, and grants. Occasionally, they will pitch in if I need some extra cash, but for the most part, it’s all on me.

As for their opinion on it, I discussed the idea with my father and he said that it was ultimately my choice on where and with whom I wanted to live. I’m eighteen years old right now and he told me that I am responsible for my own decisions and that he would support me no matter what they were. Personally, I think that’s pretty damn amazing. To be honest, I don’t agree with the ideology that you should stop helping your child out with finances based on who they are living with. If you would pay for your child’s housing when they have an apartment with friends, then why not a significant other? Both situations could go sour and the lease could be an issue, so it seems almost condescending to me in a way. Not to offend anyone that feels otherwise, but it’s just an opinion that I can’t really wrap my head around.

Also, in response to @bopper, at my university, if you live anywhere other than freshman dorms (which no one other than freshman can live in), you have to pay for your own food and cook it and keep house. The other housing options are essentially apartments; they’re just on campus.

But back on the topic of whether it’s a good idea or not:

I’ve lived with three female roommates for a year, and this next semester, I will be doing it again. Trust me, I’m getting the whole, as @romanigypsyeyes put it, facemasks and pizza party thing, lol. And I mean, that’s great and all, but it’s something that I can do even if I live with my boyfriend. I’m sure he wouldn’t hate a facial or two. Kidding. But, really, I feel like living with someone doesn’t mean that you’re restricted to seeing that person and that person only. If that were the case, I would have three friends: my roommates from last year. I can still go out and discover myself even while living with my boyfriend, can’t I? I can still go out and do stupid things. Hell, I can do them with him at the very least and feel safer than I would by myself. The only thing that I can’t really do when living with him is hookup with other dudes, and, to be honest, I wouldn’t even do that if I were single, so it doesn’t make much of a difference.

Not to mention the fact that I wonder if the risks of living with your SO rather than living with your friend are really that much greater. I could get an apartment with my friend and we could have a fall out. If he or she decided living together wasn’t working out, we would still have lease issues. It’s basically a fear no matter whom you room with, whether boyfriend, girlfriend, or best friend. And, yes, dorms then I suppose are a good option, but they are more expensive and, to be honest, I’m already one of the few people I know still living on campus. A large population moves into apartments after freshman year here, not to mention after sophomore, and it’s something I’m interested in doing.

And I have considered the separate housing, honestly. It’s why we’re not living together this next coming year, because I want to make sure we’re both prepared for this if it does become a reality. But I would eventually like to move off campus. I just feel like I might be a tad alienated living on campus while everyone I talk to and hang out with is already off, even if they’re only a fifteen minute walk from where I’ll be living. I’ll still miss some stuff, you know? And I suppose I’m just looking for a safe place to transition to and I could see living with my boyfriend being that.

Ohhh, I wrote so much. I’m sorry, aha. But, really, thank you all for your responses. Even though it may seem like I’m stuck in my ways, I do really appreciate the different opinions. They definitely give me perspective on what could possibly go wrong. Me rebuking them is just so that I can potentially fuel more discussion against my own opinions, and that’s something I’m really thankful for.

13

I think you’ve thought this out well - as others have said, you have time - if junior year comes and you guys still are 100% in for this, go for it!

I’m very much in line with @romanigypsyeyes , especially on the disagreement with that final paragraph from @Ranza123 's initial post.

I’m right in the middle of my third year - I met my SO and best friend early freshman year - we knew from the getgo that it was serious, and we basically did the “live out of each other’s dorms” for over a year now. I recently moved into my own studio single - what we have done is basically fully moved in together, but my SO still has their own place if absolutely needed. So far, they have yet to use it, and no one would be able to tell that we both don’t live in the studio single.

There’s some complications/details there beyond our control with financials, parents (and varying levels of involvement) and all, but that type of route may be worth exploring in some fashion tailored to your scenario.

If you do go for the legally living together in terms of a lease, make sure you have a good worst case exit plan (as you’re planning, but really be sure it’s more than a simple conversation. Write it down like a contract) - breaking up and realizing it wasn’t going to work is not a bad thing IMO - getting stuck in a bad predicament because of it can and should be avoided, and would be a mistake.

Socially, we both had the freshman college experience and had enough - we have a close group of friends now, mostly shared but we each have our own branches. A serious relationship will have social effects, but it can be far worth it for a SO and best friend in one that you care about. In the end, we spend an absurd amount of time together, all by choice. If you’re already doing that, and know each others living habits, moving in will probably make life easier in many ways than harder.

Best of luck! If you have any specific questions, I suspect we have a lot of similarities in our situations.

14

@bodangles hahaha yes, I realized after I posted it it sounded as though I was an adult reflecting on my long-ago college years. I clarified the “in college” to signify that I was dealing with the same life stage as the OP is. I’m not trying to sound like I have any unique wisdom on the subject, I only meant to give my opinion, which I believe is what the post was calling for.

@sungkew it sounds like you’ve thought this out, and you still have a year to make a decision. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with living with a significant other, despite what my (apparently controversial) post may sound like. People do it, and it works out great for some and not great for others. My post was simply meant as a devil’s advocate opinion, and I’m glad you saw it that way and aren’t going to base your decision off of online comments.