<p>If there isn't one thing, it's another!! I need advice on how to handle a son who is now questioning his desire to go to college because of leaving his girlfriend behind. The college is about 3 hours away by air. The gf is still in high school and fully expects to attend college herself (unknown where). It is too late to apply/be accepted in a local college. Prior to this, son was really looking forward to college. Help me Moms, Dads and everyone out there!!!</p>
<p>I would encourage him to attend his original school. Is there a way you can have him come home a weekend before Thanksgiving? I have seen HS romances last - both my best friend from HS and my sister in law married their HS sweethearts (and are still happily married today!) but odds are not in their favor. He should follow his dream to go to his original school. He will get the opportunity to meet all sorts of people, etc. He still has some growing to do - and perhaps he and his girlfriend will survive the distance - but it seems like a longshot. SO I would be understanding and patient - but encourage him to go - and then see if you can have him return home after 6 or so weeks. My daughter and her boyfriend will be going to colleges far apart - so I certainly feel your pain and hope that there is no drama. Good luck to both you and your son.</p>
<p>Oh yes, we almost had a last minute change of plans that was in part because of her desire to be near her boyfriend. She made the decision to go to her college, even though it was an arduous process. They are going to try to stay together, but they are both really sad, and it's hard to watch. So I understand what you are going through. Very hard for them and for us parents. I wish you good luck with this. Remember that sometimes they get their needed guidance from unexpected places/people, as happened in our case. If he insists on staying home, look into interim year programs; there's some good stuff around.</p>
<p>He wants to fly home once a month and that was okay with us because the air fare isn't very much. Son had a blow-up last night with Dad over this. I'm trying to mend fences and keep things in perspective. Should I reach out and share my concerns with gf's parents?</p>
<p>I would take a deep breath and hang on until he starts school. If I am understanding he is going to be a freshman this fall. When he gets there and is wrapped up in everything at the college, including (gasp) other girls, his feelings may change.
That said, I would not agree to pay for air fare for him to fly home once a month. If he really intends to fly home that often I would make it on his dime. Were Dad and son arguing about the cost of the travel or the idea of it?</p>
<p>Forgot to say I would NOT contact gf's parents. There are all kinds of posts about kids breakups etc and the parental involvement. I don't get it....when I was that age my parents did not get involved at that level and did not get in touch with bf's parents about issues with the dating couple. At this age these relationships are transitory, no need IMHO to be involved with the gf's parents at any level.</p>
<p>My DD will be a senior in university this fall, she has been dating her BF since HS senior year. Their schools are about a 20 hour drive apart. Each of them flies to visit the other once on break- they have different break schedules- and they see each other at holiday and summer time.</p>
<p>Once a month seems intense and if he is only three hours away, a bus might do as well.</p>
<p>A good thing about long distance relationships is they can fully support each other in exploring the university experience yet not be attached at the hip. It gives them a chance to make friends outside the relationship, get involved in things on campus, etc.</p>
<p>Then, of course, there is the "turkey drop" wherein most LD relationships seem to break up on the Thanksgiving visit, but you probably don't want to mention that to your son!</p>
<p>Totally agree with ebee. I would feel bad for him and listen to him, but I would not even let him contemplate staying home because of a girl. Every household is different, but it would not even be a discussion at my house because I would give my kid a strange look and walk away. </p>
<p>I would also not call the gf's parents. This is your son's issue, not their daughte's issue. I would feel strange if my girl's bf's parents were to call me to discuss kids' relationship.</p>
<p>The best advice I can offer is to tell him, "If this is real, lasting love, then it can survive the test of a long-distance relationship. If it's not, being in the same town won't save it."</p>
<p>You can also say, "If your girlfriend really loves you, she won't want to stand in the way of you going to the college that you were excited about attending."</p>
<p>Of course we all know that very few HS relationships do survive the test of time and distance, and most of them probably shouldn't. But you can't say that to him without driving him into her arms!</p>
<p>I guess it is not a good idea to contact the gf or her parents then. The blow-up between son and his dad was over a remark about not wanting to go to college. There is just too much drama right now!!</p>
<p>My $.02: Do not contact gf's parents -- IMO this is helicopter parenting at its best (i.e., worst). Also, IMO, do not pay for the monthly flight home. It's a big wide world out there, and at this extremely young age, it's too soon to know if this is "the relationship." If S has the $$ and wants to pay for a few trips, so be it -- but why should you pay?</p>
<p>D and her HS bf (he's a year younger) see each other once in a while, and it all seems good. Of course seeing each other even during long breaks/vacations is complicated by us having moved 90 minutes further away after she finished HS. They mutually agreed to "break up" when she went to school, and both have dated others for short stretches. I'm there as a sounding board when D asks, but otherwise I stay out of it.</p>
<p>There have been several other threads from parents of soon-to-leave-the-nest freshmen, asking how to deal w/ a change of heart for whatever reason. In most cases, it seems to be a case of last minute jitters about leaving what's familiar, safe, and known. Change and the unknown is unsettling to many, and is expressed in a variety of ways -- including wanting to maintain the status quo. In your shoes, I would be sympathetic, but firm that the original college plans for next year still stand.</p>
<p>Make things easier for him to make the transition - pay for unlimited calls or texts, buy him one of those little camera thingys so they can "see and talk" on the computer, etc. etc. </p>
<p>As well he needs to see that staying home might only be temporary solution anyway - in a year, she may be heading off somewhere. </p>
<p>Agreed - help him see this bridge in smaller sections - break the year up and point out the times they WILL be able to see each other....right now looking ahead to May and end of year seems like an eternity to them....but absolutely, don't encourage or indicate that staying home is a choice. Only a bad choice - for both of them.</p>
<p>He will probably break up with her by Thanksgiving anyways. Never heard of the "turkey dump?"</p>
<p>No, I've never heard that term before - but then, we've never been in this situation before either!</p>
<p>^^I agree with the above. (abasket--not the turkey dump! ) My son and his gf have been dating since mid- senior year in high school, and they're now still together as rising college juniors. Their colleges are 3000 miles apart!
They have managed to make the best of things- talk on the phone or skype daily, see each other on breaks and holidays (there are many) and my son has flown out to her coast several times on his dime. (As much as I like her and support the relationship, there's no way we would pay for this.)
It's working for them. My son is very involved at his college, and I assume the same is true for her. His grades are great, and he's made tons of friends, male and female, so I don't see this as having been a negative for him. In some ways I think it gives him more freedom while he is at school to do what's best for himself. I'm sure they miss each other, but they are very busy and when they are together, they really seem to make the most of it.</p>
<p>I'll admit it takes a bit of maturity and the ability to take the long view. (Son was born a 40 year old man;)) But it can work well if the couple really is committed.</p>
<p>It's not an easy issue and I have to say I'm glad my daughter has steered clear of such an intense relationship. She's friends with a couple who are going off to college together after dating all through high school. Odds are they will break up but they were despondent about the idea of going to different schools until one of them worked themselves off the waitlist. I would be less than thrilled to have my kid be in that situation. I have to say I know quite a few girls in my daughter's class who are still going out with older boyfriends now in their second or thrid year of college. Perhaps the boys take part in the hook-up culture at their schools but they remain in relationship status with their high school girlfriends. </p>
<p>I might gift a plane or train ticket as a Christmas or birthday present, not as a routine thing.</p>
<p>Just a comment....my D who was a college Freshman last year, but whose BF went to another school often has said she was kind of glad her BF wasn't at her school to distract her from her studies and her new friends/activites. I think she saw a lot of girls - especially Freshmann girls, get so totally wrapped up in their boyfriends that they missed out on lots of group activities, new friendships, etc.</p>
<p>Point out to him that it is ABSOLUTELY possible to continue this relationship with distance between them. </p>
<p>Surely he is worried that he will lose her if he leaves - but honest, in a couple of months, likely he will see that he is so far away not just physically, but emotionally from that "old life". He can't see it now, and you can't make him - but that will probably happen.</p>
<p>Just wanted you to know that I am still married to my high school sweetheart almost 25 years after our first date.</p>
<p>I transfered into the college he was attending after a disappointing freshman year somewhere else. I originally did not even apply to the same school he went to in part because my mother thought we would be better off apart. </p>
<p>You have to be very careful how you handle the situation.</p>
<p>I am also married to my HS sweetheart...almost 30 years!:) We went away to different schools almost 6 hours apart. Neither of us wanted to go to school together because we wanted different things that school had to offer. Long distance doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship. Be positive and remind son of why he picked the school he did. He'll go away to school and see her on breaks. With cell phones, texting and computers they can still communicate. She will be busy with her senior year and he will be experiencing new adventures. If it is meant to be they will work it out. Stay calm and don't fight about it.</p>
<p>I'm sort of looking at this situation from the other side. Freshman S2 is going to be rooming with a h.s. friend who is leaving a gf behind. For months S2 had said that it was going to be "no prob" for his friend to break it off with the gf (she's just a rising h.s. jr) before leaving but as the time to leave draws nigh, she is clinging tighter and tighter. I think S2 is a little concerned now that his roommate will be so lovesick that what is supposed to be a fun new adventure may take a sharp turn south. I hope not.</p>
<p>A neighbor's D left a bf behind and went to a sch. only an hour away. She had a very uninvolved freshman yr. because she was on the cell ph. day and night and running back and forth to meet/see him all the time. They broke up at the end of the year and she regretted that she had not made the "connections" that kids make duirng freshman yr. because she was so obsessed with the bf</p>
<p>fwiw....I'm married to my h.s. sweetheart but we did break up when he left for college. We both dated others for a couple of years but ended up back together...whatever is meant to be...</p>