Hi, my parents are paying for my college education, and they expect that my grades be perfect. However, I wasn’t even perfect in high school, I always had at least a 3.6 though, and never got a C. Just A’s and B’s. Now that I am in college, my parents threaten to take away their financial support if I cannot reach their standards. I understand that college was hard for them because they did not graduate in 4 years because they had to work their way through, yet that does not mean that I am able to get straight A’s in college just because they won’t let me have a job. Every other day they call me and remind me that I MUST get these grades. It is truly annoying, and I just want to scream because I am so stressed out and living in fear that I will have to go back home to them and drop out of college just because I got a 3.4 instead of 3.6 (that’s what I got my first semester, but they gave me one more chance).
If I were to drop out of my university, I would have to go live at home where I am not allowed to drive (I’ve had a driver’s license since I was 16 but my parents strictly do not allow me to drive) and somehow get a job that I would have to beg other people for rides to, and start all over with my upper education at a community college nearby.
Because of this, I feel that I will have to lie about my grades to them so that I don’t have to drop out and become a loser. It is illegal for them to find out on their own anyways, so what do you all think?
My kids give me access to their grades, I really didn’t have to ask. They did this because I paid.
Your parents haven’t asked for access?
Get some support from a college counselor. They may help you talk this through with your parents. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.
Don’t lie, it will only increase your stress and potentially make your problems worse. Find resources such as office hours, TA help, academic support services, study groups, etc. to help you do as well as you can. Talk to your parents about how you feel like an adult.
Don’t lie. When they find out the truth it will be a let down. In fact, let them know how hard your courses are. To set the expectations. Under promise, over deliver.
And you don’t necessarily have to go home. You can join the real world. Get a job etc. and finish your education over time.
Colleges aren’t supposed to release information to your parents without your consent. Unless you have a grant tied to a certain GPA, your parents aren’t being reasonable. If they won’t let you drive or work over the summer now that you’re an adult that’s beyond unreasonable. It doesn’t sound like talking to them has helped, so I’d give them a cumulative GPA when they ask. If it’s below a 3.6 tell them it will take another year to raise it that high. That might buy you some time. Pad your schedule next semester with easy A gen eds, if you can find them, to boost your GPA.
I think you need to develop a long term strategy for independence. Freedom costs money. Can you get a part-time job while you’re in school? A few hours per week shouldn’t affect your grades and you can have your money direct deposited so your parents won’t know. If they’re likely to snoop into your account get one that they don’t know about. You need to develop a nest egg so you have options. If you have money, you can buy a car or rent a room/apartment within walking distance of a job. They have the option of not paying for school, but they won’t be able to force you to return home if you can afford other options.
Where do you go to school? Are there any summer programs there? The college where I work has summer science programs and research opportunities. If your parents thought you were doing something to help your resume, they might let you stay. If you stay, you might be able to get a full-time job and sock that money away too. If you go home for the summer will they let you work there?
As a parent if I am paying I want to see the grades. You can lie to them but are you will to sacrifice your relationship with them by deceiving them? They are not obligated to pay your tuition.
Arm yourself with information. What is the average gpa for students at your college? Sometimes this is a wake up call to students (and their parents!). GPA’s typically go down in college from high school. Additionally, have information on hand to share with them regarding the statistics of students at your college. What was the average gpa for enrolling students and where did you fall within that group? Does your school utilize a curve? Your parents may need some information to help them understand.
Also be honest with yourself. Do you utilize resources, study with groups and alone, and study in an environment where you can truly focus? If not, tell your parents your plan for doing your best work and assure them that you will truly do your best, even if that means you won’t get a 4.0. You need to share with them that the constant pressure is causing you anxiety, but assure them that it is also your goal to do well, graduate in four years and be self sufficient. It wouldn’t hurt to appreciate their concern and financial support.
One thought: As a student, who like your parents worked my way through college, I can tell you that sometimes having more to do creates better boundaries for studying. You might find that a five to ten hour a week job actually helps your studying as helps create a more structured schedule. This might be a hard sell for your parents, but for some students it is very difficult to transition from the structured enviroment of high school/extracurriculars to college with much less structrued time.
I agree about arming yourself with info. What is the average GPA for your college in each year? What is the average GPA in your major? Some students see their grades rise as they get further in their major because they are taking more classes they are good at.
I also agree you want to make sure you are using all the resources available to you. Writing center if your campus has one, any free tutoring offered by the departments, etc. Try going right to the library from dinner so you don’t get sucked into hanging out in your dorm instead. If you can get ahead in any classes where you are struggling, then you are better positioned in lectures or sections to understand the parts you are struggling with.
You are catastrophizing. You are painting a picture of a catastrophic life that is just awful. Let’s examine that a bit.
I think that your parents are being unreasonable. It’s their money, but their approach to motivating you is borderline abusive.
Do your best without fear and without worry. You’ve been trained to live in fear, but it’s not healthy, it’s not necessary, and it will prevent you from being the best you. It will prevent you from taking the calculated risks that you need to take to function as an adult.
If your parents pull their support, so what. It is what it is. Your plan is simple. Break off, move far away, get a job and build a life. The economy is terrific right now. Don’t threaten it, just do it. It’s not a catastrophe. It’s not a punishment. It’s not going to ruin your life. It’s not going to ruin their life. It’s what you would need to do to break the yoke so that you can grow. There is no catastrophe just different possibilities.
As an intelligent adult, you should have no fear.
If they pull their support and you leave, it will force you to grow up which is not a bad thing. Your parents will learn that though you love them, they no longer have the right or power to exert total control over your life. There will be a rough period, but they will likely come around to respect you as an adult. It’s doesn’t have to be forever.
You can work a day job and go to school part-time at night.
Check out the Harvard Extension School (extension.harvard.edu). It’s a program in the Boston area for non-traditional students. I’m sure there are programs like it wherever you may land.
Even knowing that alternate paths exist should give you comfort. Relax and live!
It’s a simple solution honestly. My parents felt exactly the same way. I lied to them and it turned into a 2 year lie where they realized that I was not ready to transfer, because i had a 1.105 cummulative GPA lol. Ultimately, if you do not like this policy, you can move out, get a job, and go to school at the same time. That’s what I ended up doing.
Advising teens to just move out is shortsighted, @ClassicRockerDad and @philbegas. How is OP supposed to get to wherever the new job is, and where is she supposed to live when she gets there? She has no car and no money.
Don’t be a liar. It is not good for your character.
Do your best and speak with your parents as a responsible but dependent young adult. If they become unreasonable and pull support, know that there are many paths to reach your end goals.
Agree, go to the counseling center for support now.
It’s not short-sighted, it’s literally what I did. I didn’t like my relationship with my parents, it was making me depressed and suicidal. I took matters into my own hands, and the summer after I graduated high school, I moved out of my parents house, got an apartment with some friends, and started doing my own thing. I don’t know where OP lives, or how old they are, but it was just worth mentioning. I didn’t have a car. I rode my bike to work/class which 1. Is good for your health and 2. Is cheap.
For what it’s worth, I think that the fact I moved out of my parents house is the only thing that kept me from ending up estranged from them due to some huge fight where we say we hate each other.
Well, assuming that we’re talking about an intelligent legal adult he/she can get help from friends or relatives to provide a place to sleep and a small loan until the first payday. An AuPair job is often a daytime job that provides housing. The transition should happen during summertime. There are inexpensive youth hostels all over. There are shelters that can provide beds for a short period of time. Social services organizations can often provide help. People do this all of the time for a variety of reasons.
Another possibility is to get an on-campus job for the summer, sign up for summer housing through payroll deduction, or borrow money from a friend or relative to get a cheap sublet. During the summer he/she can save money to move to a place with a more permanent job and to get an apartment.
Also, depending on financial situation, OP can apply for financial aid and get a Pell grant that will basically pay for their community college. Or maybe other family members are willing to help out.
Sure, parents have a right to expect a certain level of academic diligence in exchange for paying tuition. However, it is straight up NEUROTIC and IGNORANT to freak out when your child “only” has a 3.6. a 3.6 is approximately a 91% average.
@philbegas – that GPA requirement makes me wonder if the parents might actually be setting their kid up to fail so they can bypass funding college. I know it’s extreme and a harsh allegation, but I’ve sadly seen it firsthand. Not all parents are reasonable and supportive. (That’s not to say that parents who don’t pay for college are unreasonable and unsupportive – but setting a very high and potentially unrealistic bar for conditional support feels like a bit like a head game.)
Man we are getting soft. Back in my day, upon HS graduation my buddy’s father gave him a pack of smokes and a hammer and said “go make something of yourself, good luck.” And just like that he was on his own.
She does what many do. They grow up fast and figure it out. Looking for excuses why one can’t do this or can’t do that will surely lead to failure. It sounds like she is in a bad environment with mom and dad. Sometimes it’s best to jump in the deep end of the pool.
@madgemini4
Having gone through it with my parents: I don’t think so. They just legitimately are stuck in the old mindset of "You need a 4.0 in order to make it anywhere in life which simply isn’t true. I don’t know if OP’s parents are immigrants, but it seems uncannily common with immigrant parents (mine are immigrants)
That’s beyond controlling and you can’t live your life like that. You’re a grown-up. What they’re doing is actually undermining you from being an independent adult, which is the whole idea behind college. There are some options. You can get an ROTC scholarship and use an on-campus job and loans to pay for room and board. You could temporarily quit and enlist in the military, then use the GI bill to pay for college as a fully independent student. You could get married…which might not be an option unless there’s a special someone already available.