Maintaining Realistic Expectations

Parents Forum
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<p>This is not a thread about safety schools or applying to the elites. It is about helping to maintain a balanced perspective, and impressing this on your children, once they are enrolled.</p>

<p>I am always surprised by the threads where parents claim their children have great friends a month into the school year--
I am also surprised that parents expect their children to get the same sorts of grades as Freshman as they had as seniors in HS.
Among other things....</p>

<p>Depending on the choices you and your child have made, he or she is adjusting to a new city, state, country, physical environment, roommate, academic load, job, jargon, ambient noise, sharing a bathroom, eating and sleeping schedule, lifestyle choice, language, air quality, sheets and bed, climate, season, set of clothing, religious and medical support system, telephone, computer, TV news anchor, baseball team....etc.</p>

<p>When was the last time any of us had to do something of this magnitude and didn't feel 'off our game' for a while? When was the last time you moved and had to make virtually all or all new friends?</p>

<p>If the first set of grades are so-so, so what. If the hair is too long/too pink/too punk- so what. If the friends are still superficial- so what. If the phone calls too frequent or too infrequent- so what. If life isn't nearly as perfect as the viewbook or as senior year- so what. </p>

<p>If we over-react to the realities of the enormity of the change, we are doing nothing but establishing a set of unrealistic expectations. Everyone adapts at their own rate, everyone has a different degree of adaptation to make.</p>

<p>Empathize and normalize. "Yup, I am sure you miss your best friend, after all you have been best friends for 6 years...who wouldn't miss their best friend." "Sure, learning to do math in a class of 200 is a particular challenge, who wouldn't find it tough."</p>

<p>My #1 had a great/easy transition first year and now as a 3rd year finds the same nurturing social environment a bit stifling(there is a trade off in a small school) but the classes are great. My #2 had a much more difficult first year- and is absolutely hitting his stride now- and will surely go from strength to strength. </p>

<p>A bit of struggle is not a bad thing. I don't think we have to be afraid of our children struggling a bit.</p>

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<p>Anitaw, While I agree with everything you've posted, I think you've missed the reasons that people post on bulletin boards. We post because we know that this is a place we can state our irrational feelings and know that someone else will be going through exactly the same feelings. But, a lot of times one might feel uncomfortable saying to a real life friend the same irrational fears because they seem too silly. Also, as a fairly new poster you might not know the history of people that are crowing about their student's happiness as a College freshman. My son had a fairly rough last two years of high school, academically and (in my mind) socially due to an overdose of computer games. The difference between that and his first month of college is like night and day. I think we all know that things will work out, that it's better for our kids to learn how to deal and figure it out for themselves, but we come here for moral support more then anything. At least, that's mho.</p>

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<p>KathieP,</p>

<p>This is a quote from the 'grades trickling in' thread...."I sympathize with you. After so many years of having websites to consult about every 10/10 quiz grade (or why was it 8/10?), it is really strange to have no idea whether my daughter is doing anything she "should" be doing."</p>

<p>So, parents come to CC and vent, and then they are immediately able to disregard whatever instinct or imperative drives them to this sort of behavior? I guess, and even though I have only a paltry number of posts I am entitled to an observation, I just am reading things a bit differently. Plenty of people vent and then turn around and...still act not so rationally!!</p>

<p>Some parents are here to vent, some are here to find a way to figure out how to determine what their kids are 'reallly up to' in college...We all have 'real live' friends and acquaintances with different sorts of spins on this, at least I do. </p>

<p>There was a NY Times Magazine article this weekend about a parenting book (by Mogel) that talks about the idea of raising 'hearty children.' The book is brilliant and inspires me every time I re-read portions of it. I make it a policy, on the other hand, to not endorse behavior which undermines the ultimate well being of children, in fact-- even when it is stated in the most heartfelt way. </p>

<p>By the way, congrats to your son and you for what must be a rewarding feeling after a difficult process of breaking a terrible addiction....</p>

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<p>A very level-headed and healthy take on the transition, and good advice to us all. Still, I will continue to read/post on this forum because it's good to vent. And to learn from others.</p>

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<p>Anitaw, I want to thank you for your post and I think it is very good advice. My daughter has twice complained to me that while she has met many new people, she hasn't found "real" friends at her college -- most of the friendships are superficial. I'm thinking to myself, "geez, she's only been there 6 weeks... what does she expect?" -- and then I realize that because we lived in the same house since she was an infant, and she went to a local K-8 school, she has friends at home who she's known since kindergarten. She simply always had a group of good friends, and as she met new people, the old friends were still there for the transitional periods as she got to know her new friends better. So now she finds herself among people who she simply does not know all that well-- fine for sharing a meal or a casual chat, but not really "there" for her if she is stressed out or feeling low. </p>

<p>I didn't say what I was thinking -- but I didn't know quite what to say. For one thing, this is the same kid who is always too busy socializing at college to call me. In fact, my first reaction to the phone call was, "why are you calling?" because it probably was the first time she has called just to chat. So I'm also figuring that it really is a touch of homesickness more than an issue with friendships -- its not that she isn't making new friends, it's more that she misses the established relationships she has with some of her good friends from home -- and maybe she just misses her mom a little bit, but didn't want to come right out and say so. So your post helps me with knowing how to respond (with empathy, not with a bunch of suggestions to fix the "problem" that doesn't really exist). </p>

<p>So I do really appreciate the post. Since this is kid #2, I already know from kid #1 that college kids can be moody, so they call to complain about issues that are sometimes only passing thoughts or feelings for them. But it's helpful to have some pragmatic advice on how to react.</p>

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<p>To the OP - great post.</p>

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<p>Funnily, it can be the popular kids who suffer the biggest 'culture shock' when they transition to a 'foreign' place. It's natural that a youngster with 100 great friends would assume another great group can be assembled-- wherever. It's another kind of gift to realize that 100 amazing friends are not readily available in all locations. </p>

<p>At least being a freshman is a group experience. It's not as bad as arriving as the only newcomer. </p>

<p>jmmom--your intrepid son ought to be able to make friends with most warm boides after his sojourns!</p>