Maternal Problems

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hello, guys. I have come in search of some advice about my mother. :) Good advice cannot be given without good information, so let me tell you a few things first.</p>

<p>A. I am a college student in a private university in my second semester, first year, living at home. (Our dorms are ancient and small)
B. My mother has been a single parent since my father and her divorced over 15 years ago, and has raised us completely alone. No child support, nada.
C. I have two older sisters whom both moved out by the age of 19 because of her rules.</p>

<p>Okay, so here's the thing: my mom is completely rude and overbearing. I have worked since I was 14, paid for my phone bill since then, bought my own car, and got my own loans out to pay completely for my school.</p>

<p>Among other things, these are just my personal favorites for things my mom has done:
1. Kicked me out of the house for asking to go to a basketball game.
2. Charged me $10 because she cleaned the bird's cage.
3. I pay for my own dental and doctor's visits.
4. She will say she has no money to help me, and then turns around and buys a $900 dog and a $200 toothbrush, and then loans my sister who stole her identity and ran her $10k into debt $600.</p>

<p>Now we get to the actual problem. I'm in college doing pre-med for heaven's sake, and got my own car. But my mom refuses to let me onto her insurance even though my sister had gotten 3 cars and wrecked two of them because she said I will wreck and someone will sue us and take the house. I am 19 now, and only living at home because due to my pre-med studies I cannot work enough hours in order to live on my own. I still have a curfew of 10 or 11 (depending on when she goes to bed) and I also have a bedtime when I am at home because she said I keep her up if I am awake. Not only that, but for punishment for staying up past 11, I am supposed to sleep in HER ROOM and get up when she does. I have to call her every night to tell her goodnight, and every morning when I wake up if I am not home, and every hour in between if I am gone. And my car needs a new wheelbaring, but she refuses to let it out of the driveway for me to fix it. (Either it's too windy to drive, too cold, etc.) She won't even let me get my license once I got a car.</p>

<p>Basically, I'm trapped, and I need to find a way to break it to my mother that I am an adult and should be treated fairly if not freely in my opinion. Is she being too harsh? I am open to suggestions, but I just think since I have accomplished things financial and education-wise, I should be allowed some freedom.</p>

<p>Thoughts?</p>

2

<p>yes she’s being far too freakin’ harsh, who the hell makes their 19 year old kid sleep in their room?</p>

<p>I’d sit down with her and explain that you’re obviously a pretty independent person and that she needs to stop treating you like a 6 year old unless she wants to see you not succeed. But judging from what you’ve told us she’ll probably kick you out of the house if you do so, which might be a good thing.</p>

<p>Can you afford to move out either to the dorms or in an apartment?</p>

3

<p>Take out a loan so you can live by yourself. You can’t make her change her behavior. This will sound harsh, but it sounds like she has a mental disorder of some type. Either way, this is an extremely unhealthy environment and you need to get out IMO.</p>

4

<p>The dorms are 12x12, and $900/month before meal plans. Most of the kids that go to my school are pretty snobby, so Im not sure I could live with them. Im only there on an account of a HUGE scholarship I worked hard for. (About $20k/year) A loan might sound okay, I just dont want to be in debt until Im 50, since graduate school for cardiology will be extremely expensive. My boyfriend of three years said I could only pay him $100 in rent a month and nothing else, which I could do (he has a great job) but Im scared of repercussions. Thoughts?</p>

5

<p>A loan would suck…but your mother is crazy, you have to get out of there!!!</p>

6

<p>What repercussions are you scared of?</p>

7

<p>The only thing I would be concerned about with living with a significant other is what would happen if you two were to break up. It might not happen, but it’s good to have a back-up plan.
You should definitely consider living with your boyfriend, though; I would not be happy in the living situation you’re currently in.</p>

8

<p>Your studies will become more difficult as you progress…what if you need to stay up late studying and she tries to make you go to bed? You do not need this additional stress on top of the hard work you’ll be putting in over the next few years.</p>

<p>Do you have any other family you could stay with if you’re concerned about moving in with your boyfriend? It’s great that you’re thinking ahead with your loans, but if it was the last choice, I’d still take it. You sound like a very responsible person who will make it through school and do well. You’re a hard worker. Consider your expected salary when you graduate college (grad school) and what you could afford/are willing to pay back in loans, and go from there. </p>

<p>Question - it sounds like you bought your own car, but your mom never allowed you to get your license and have no insurance? Or did you get your license and have your own insurance? I don’t see how you’d end up with a car but not be allowed to drive it…it’s yours. </p>

<p>I agree with another poster, that it sounds as though your mother has some deep-rooted issues that you will not be able to change with any kind of reasonable discussion. Perhaps she is afraid you’ll leave her since she was divorced and left on her own (from what it sounds, I obviously don’t know the details) so she is being over-bearing to keep you from being able to leave. Which might also explain why she loans money to your sister, to keep her coming back home for assistance.</p>

9

<p>I am just terrified of being shunned from my immediate family since we don’t really have contact with extended family; while my mother is a bit insane, she’s also the only person (aside from my uncle who passed away) that has been there constantly for me. You all are giving me great advice, and I appreciate it fully.</p>

<p>I could stay with my sister (she agreed to let me pay a small rent fee as well) but the only thing is she works during the day and then third shift bartending because she is a single mother of a 5-year-old. So basically, I’d be like a free babysitter, and I’m not sure I’m up for that. My other sister, my two nieces, and my brother in law are in Kansas because they are military. </p>

<p>Answer: my sister and I thought if I got a car, she’d for sure HAVE to let me drive (it’s embarrassing having your mother drive you to your college classes) plus my permit expires next month. But instead, she keeps putting off teaching me to drive so I can put the car in my name, and refuses to take it to get the wheel baring fixed for me even though I agreed to pay. On the flip side, every day recently she’s been telling me how I make her life hell and I should leave, when she makes it impossible for me to do so. I don’t know, I just feel as though I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it really makes living here awkward and makes me feel unwelcome.</p>

<p>Considering I will be a cardiologist, then yes I will be able to pay back loans. But I also don’t want my future husband (whenever that time comes) being married into my debt. :confused: I know I wouldn’t.</p>

10

<p>Don’t worry about your future spouse and your debt. You (presumably) still have a while to focus on something like that. Medical school is expensive. Unless you plan on going to the military for it or winning the lotto, debt is completely unavoidable.</p>

<p>Here’s the thing, you’re mother as much as you love her, is not helping you. The bedtime, the curfew, unwillingness to do something like moving your car and things like that are going to make things difficult for you, more so down the line when you’re stressed out over classes and finals and such. Moving out may be the best alternative to keep your sanity and to not end up resenting your mom for being controlling and over protective. If you want to live with your sister and your concern is babysitting, talk to her about it. You’ll agree to pay rent as long as you aren’t expected to babysit. Or, you’ll babysit if she’ll waive the rent. But, living with a kid, even one you’re not taking care of, is going to be annoying at times when they’re loud or want to play but don’t understand that Auntie needs to study for her bio exam. But she is school-age so she will be gone during the day at least (right?).</p>

11

<p>Could your sister teach you to drive? or invest in a few professional driving lessons…they bring the car. Also, could you seek a roommate in an apartment on or near campus? It can be a lot cheaper than the dorm. If your scholarship covers your tuition, taking out limited loans for living expenses would not be prohibitive, given your situation.</p>

<p>But also consider your mom…I think she doesn’t want to give you your freedom because she is afraid that she will be left all alone once you leave the nest. And of course, the more she tightens the binding the more you need your freedom.</p>

<p>You need to reassure your mother that giving you your freedom will not leave her all alone. Each time you win a small victory, make sure you do something to reassure your mom. You go out one night or weekend with friends? Take your mom out to coffee and dish a little…</p>

<p>Let your mom know that she will not be abandoned as you grow your wings.</p>