May I have advice for socializing, please?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hi everyone,</p>

<p>I would like to know some common or even unusual mistakes you observe when you see others socialize, whether it is with you or others and I would like to know how to learn how to avoid those mistakes.
I appreciate input from everyone, whether it is college students, high schoolers, parents or anyone else. Feel free to mention anything that sounds relevant.</p>

<p>A little bit about me:</p>

<ul>
<li>I am a 19-year-old (turning 20 next week!) girl who is a college sophomore and commutes by bus.</li>
<li>I'm trying to apply for jobs, but I'm afraid of messing up like I have in the past.</li>
<li>I have trouble holding conversations and having anything beyond acquaintances.</li>
<li>Doctors say I have social anxiety and Asperger's Syndrome.</li>
<li>I don't have age appropriate interests.</li>
<li>People always tell me I don't reveal enough about myself, but I want to have a sense of trust with them first and I don't know what to say in the first place.</li>
</ul>

<p>BTW, it is okay to have "shallow" advice too. I would like to hear about what people have to say about appearance (clothes, hair, looks, etc.) as well when it comes to making friendships.</p>

<p>If you have anymore questions, just ask. </p>

<p>Also, this does not have to be only about me; we should help each other out because there are many others with similar problems.</p>

2

<p>im actually interested as well. i have social anxiety and i hardly ever will just go up to someone and start talking. but i dont want to be completely antisocial (or never get a gf) so any help would be nice.</p>

3

<p>I'm going to try to answer, but i don't know for sure how good my answer will be. i did not have that many close friends in high school, but i feel like i've gotten a lot more now that i'm in college. one thing is don't try to be someone who your not. i was really worried that everyone would be at parties all the time and i would be alone in my room. but i didn't start drinking or anything and found friends who didn't either. So basically, my biggest suggestion is to try to be yourself and don't be fake, or when you make friends, they will be fake as well.</p>

<p>it is a bit awkward talking to people you don't really know. meal times are a great place to socialize. if you are leaving a class around a mealtime, try talking to someone who you might want to get to know about something that happened in class and then walk to the dining hall and sit with them. this is a lot easier than sitting with a random group of people.</p>

<p>also, i don't know what you mean by age appropriate interests, but your school probably has a lot of clubs. so even if you consider something not age appropriate, you could check to see if your school has that type of club and join--people will want to meet the new person that joined. </p>

<p>So basically, try to socialize without pushing yourself on people to hard (ie don't go up to a random group of people and say "can i hang out with you guys tonight" but maybe if you are already talking to someone ask what they are doing that night and if it sounds fun ask if you can join them.</p>

4

<p>What I meant by age appropriate interests was that I tend to find it easier to talk to people much older or younger than me. I think it's because I'm not as pressured to get everything right and there are less expectations altogether.
I mean that there is only so much I have in common with people my age. I like music, but it's not as important to me as so many people my age and I'm not necessarily living under a rock, but I don't know much about celebs either. I'm not really into clothing labels either, hence why I'm told that I dress a little older than I really am.</p>

<p>I have thought about joining a club, but I never got around to it. :/ Plus, the clubs aren't too active for some reason. I'll try it though.</p>

5

<p>Kind of going along with post number but don't act stupid. I hate it when you're talking to someone and it's obvious that they are just pretending to be stupid. For some reason people think that it's cool or something. Also, are there any study groups you can join for your classes? You can meet some pretty cool people that way.</p>

6

<p>sometimes when people seem like they are just acting stupid its because they aren't at all interested in what you are talking about.</p>

<p>lets say that you start talking about some obscure book, video game, sports event, or movie. they might just play dumb to see if you will change the subject.</p>

<p>other times people don't really even understand what you are trying to say.</p>

<p>i realized in sophomore year (hs) that sometimes when I am having a conversation I make leaps in logic without explaining my reasoning, so when I am discussing A with someone and think of B in my head, I blurt C out, instead of saying B then C. People get lost and sometimes just kinda nod and smile. So for me I realized that part of the reason people act dumb is that they really have no idea what the hell you are talking about.</p>

<p>Since then I've tried to keep my thoughts more grounded in real life and my social interactions have been much smoother.</p>

7

<p>Seeing as you have an apparently verified social condition I doubt many people here who haven't actually gone through it will be able to help, well meaning as they are. The only advice I can give you is to stop putting so much pressure on yourself when it comes to meeting people. If someone doesn't like you because they think you're kind of weird it doesn't matter, because they'll probably just avoid you and then it's about the same as not knowing someone. If you two do "click" though you'll have made a friend.</p>

8

<p>Since you have social anxiety an Asperger's then I doubt any advice I can give will help since I have niether of those things. I don't know what it is like, but I will tell you what I do.</p>

<p>I think that you are looking at this the wrong way. When I'm talking to people I don't think about these things, because I'm a firm believer that they don't matter. I don't often talk to people I don't know, I mostly just assosiate with the friends I already have. In new situations I usually don't have trouble making friends. Instead of trying to avoid social taboos, I'll intentionally break them. I'll say what most people would consider really offensive and inappropriate things. Primarily because I enjoy seeing other people feel ackward and uncomfortable. Secondarily because it tells me who I am going to get along with, I don't want to have to watch what I say around my friends. Lets face it, no one wants to talk about the weather or other BS small talk like the news. It isn't interesting. Playing the safest game possible won't get you anywhere. </p>

<p>That is my advice based on me not knowing anything about Aspergers or social anxiety, so I don't know if it will help. What I do know is that you shouldn't be focusing on what not to do. If you can't think of things to say, think of your best and funniest stories. Tell them. If you see something or someone do something ridiculous (there are usually some characters riding the bus) that could be a good story. Being a good story teller is an amazing asset, I wish I was better at it.</p>

9

<p>What are your interests? Pursuing things you enjoy is always a good start in meeting people who share those interests, whether they are age appropriate or not. Nothing wrong with having friends of different ages, both younger and older. You might be thinking too inside the box and trying to fit into a stereotypical mold. It's OK to be different. </p>

<p>Commuting definitely gives you a disadvantage in meeting people at school. Many kids make their friends from rooming with them or being on the same floor in the dorm. The constant proximity helps in forming bonds. </p>

<p>Where you go to school also plays a role. I transferred from one school because I felt I didn't fit in there and found a school with more of a diverse population and loved it.</p>

<p>There are many factors that play a role in making connections at college. It's not easy, even for some of the most socially savy of students. Love who you are, warts and all, and know that there are others like you also looking for friendship.....keep an eye out for them for they are not always in the forefront but may be that quiet kid sitting in the back of the room feeling afraid to approach others as well.</p>

<p>Doctors like to give labels....you may have fear in social situations...so do much of the human population. Try and work at overcoming your fears with baby steps. Make a list of things you'd like to accomplish no matter how small and do one thing a day outside of your comfort zone. It could even be saying hi to a kid in your class, friending someone on facebook, asking someone for notes, smiling at someone....break things down into tiny steps that are not so overwhelming and work on getting past your fears a step at a time. You might be surprised at what you can accomplish.</p>

10

<p>The easiest thing in the world to do is to get someone to talk about themselves. Listen for a moment, then ask them about something of interest to them, or find something to make a sincere compliment about. If they're wearing a pink shirt, for example, tell them that the pink shirt looks nice on them, or say you love the little spangles on the shirt - anything that will get them to respond. If you're leaving a lecture, ask them what they thought about some specific point that the prof made.</p>

<p>Read Dale Carnegie's books.</p>

11

<p>
[quote]
What are your interests?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I like to read. A lot. This even includes, non-fiction which almost no one I know likes.
Now that I think about it, I don't think my interests have anything to do with maturity or age, but my reasons for liking movies and books are in a sense that most would find boring. It's kind of hard to explain but I just take these sort of things a little too seriously for most people's tastes. It's like I like to try to see what the director of a movie or an author was thinking behind-the-scenes.
I really, really hope I didn't come off as pretentious or a snob.</p>

12

<p>On the bright side, you have a higher chance of having savant syndrome.</p>

13

<p>Reading is great and wanting to know more about director's and author's motivations are signs of intellegence and inquisitiveness. Maybe you could join a book club or take some film classes to find others with your same interests.</p>

14

<p>I need help with socializing too, though I'm still in high school. I know I sound really inept saying this, but I don't know how to carry on a conversation. I'll walk beside someone and I'll be unsure as to what to talk about. My attempts to start conversation usually result in one word responses. What conversations I have usually end in awkward silences lasting for the rest of the duration. Sometimes, the conversations that I do have bore me. They are very formulaic, aka I'm not interested, and the only reason I am talking is because there's nothing else to do.
Just needed a place to vent for a bit.</p>

15

<p>I used to be extremely shy and socially awkward. I followed advice like that posted below, and step by small step, I grew into the person I am now who can talk to virtually anyone, and is even happy and comfortable doing so.</p>

<p>Don't expect overnight change, but if you do the below things, you will learn these skills. Break them into very small steps, and give yourself pats on the back for following through.</p>

<p>"Practice. Converse with everyone you come across:people you're in line with, neighbors, co-workers and kids. Chat with folks unlike yourself, from seniors to teens to tourists.</p>

<p>Step
2
Read everything: cookbooks, newspapers, magazines, reviews, product inserts, maps, signs and catalogs. Everything is a source of information that can be discussed.</p>

<p>Step
3
Force yourself to get into small talk situations, like doctors' waiting rooms, cocktail parties and office meetings. Accept invitations, or host your own gathering.</p>

<p>Step
4
Immerse yourself in culture, both high and low. Television, music, sports, fashion, art and poetry are great sources of chat. If you can't stand Shakespeare, that too is a good topic for talk.</p>

<p>Step
5
Keep a journal. Write down funny stories you hear, beautiful things you see, quotes, observations, shopping lists and calls you made. That story of the long-distance operator misunderstanding you could become an opening line...."
How</a> to Make Small Talk | eHow.com</p>

16

<p>I think socializing is like lots of things...it isn't always easy or pleasant but if you pretend it is, eventually you can do it, get good at it and then it will be actually enjoyable.</p>

<p>Just learn to do one thing. Be interested. People love to talk about themselves. All you have to do is just be interested and ask questions and you will find the conversation just goes and very few people will turn it around and ask you to open up. People love to talk about their lives and the love a good listener. Find one person. Notice something you admire or is interesting and ask them about it. Keep finding questions to ask and let them talk as long as they go and pretty soon you will be good at conversations. You might even like it as you become someone people like to talk to.</p>

17

<p>Only narcissists want to be the only one contributing to a conversation, so if you follow greybiscuit's advice, that's the kind of friends you'll end up making.</p>

<p>Fine to ask people questions, but to attract friends who also are interested in you, you also should contribute to the conversation things about yourself and your interests.</p>

<p>Speaking from experience. When I was young, I was extremely shy, and my mom gave me the advice greybiscuit gave you. I ended up with a bunch of friends who were extremely self centered and didn't care if I lived or died as long as I listened to them yammer on.</p>

18

<p>I agree that many of the strategies that can be used to overcome severe shyness and social anxiety can be very helpful for individuals with autism or asperger’s. Learning and, more importantly, practicing strategies for starting and maintaining social conversations and small talk are extremely helpful and important (I really like the list on how to make small talk), but other issues unique to individuals with Asperger’s can sometimes make even these difficult to be successful at. Aspies often have difficulties with language processing, misinterpreting what is said, taking words too literally; misinterpreting and misunderstanding nonverbal social cues and gestures or tone of voice. </p>

<p>Your comment about trust is very insightful. I think it is very common for individuals with Asperger’s to feel distrustful of others as a result of their feeling and being misunderstood during their childhood. I think children begin to sense and suffer from their differences at a very early age and this can turn into distrust as well as low self-esteem and self-confidence, and those characteristics then make it even more difficult to learn the social skills they need. </p>

<p>I think individuals with Asperger’s especially females are often able to compensate for their social deficits by imitating others; also by scripting and practicing what they will say in advance of various social settings, over time this helps them develop a library of scripts (ie social conversations) to choose from as they encounter other social situations. As you note, pulling out the appropriate words or responses is one of the biggest problems individuals with Asperger’s face so developing a large library of social scripts can be helpful - and this is unfortunately something that DOESN'Tcome naturally to them but can be developed over time (I recently emailed S who is in his 3rd yr of college to let him know that a great-aunt had died; he barely knew this relative and since neither of us are big on talking on the phone I had decided to just email him to let him know. His response was “That is a shame”. When we went to the wake, my 16-yr old nephew with PDD made a point of telling every single person there, including complete strangers, “I am sorry for your loss” which was at least better than some of the things we were afraid he might say! We are still working on mastering many social scripts with both boys). </p>

<p>Since my S was diagnosed at a young age and began receiving help for social skills before he even started school, my experience with Asperger’s in teens or adults is pretty limited because he was able to make such great advances by his teens but it might benefit you to read up on it, both anecdotal accounts and information written by experts since this can help you understand how varied the spectrum is – and at the same time, it also helps to understand better how varied the normal world also is. The better you know yourself the easier it may be to develop different strategies that are needed to fit in with a very diverse society.</p>

<p>I do have a couple of specific suggestions on resources you might look at. Although developing and practicing social skills is important, books and the internet hold a natural appeal for those with Asperger’s and a great deal can be learned from these resources, so long as you also take the extra steps to move outside your comfort zone to try to put them into practice. There is an overwhelming number of books, articles and internet resources available on autism and Asperger’s that it is hard to know where to to even begin to look for helpful materials in this area. I recently read a book called, The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barren, which I liked a lot, it provides some general insights and advice on dealing with interpersonal/social relationships from the perspectives of two individuals on the spectrum. I am also posting a link to an autism website which has attempted to pull together in one place several links to other short articles, personal stories, and fact sheets on many topics relating to issues faced by individuals with Asperger’s and autism: </p>

<p>Adults</a> with Asperger's syndrome, autism or PDD-NOS | Fact sheets, personal stories & information on living with Autism Spectrum Disorders</p>

<p>One article that jumped out at me is called “Social Interaction Strategies for Adults With Asperger’s or Autism” which is a list of do’s and don’ts for social settings/conversations. This might be a good starting point. </p>

<p>Adults</a> with Asperger's syndrome, autism or PDD-NOS | Social interaction strategies</p>

<p>Good luck and my apologies for rambling! :)</p>

19

<p>Thank you very much for the links scansmom and Northstarmom. The valuable advice here is the reason I like CC so much.</p>

<p>Speaking of greybiscuit's advice, I do not like narcissists either, but I do not mind people who talk a lot unless they are boring, rude or annoying. Sometimes it is a relief when someone likes to talk a lot because there is less pressure on me to come up with ideas or wonder if if I'm doing something wrong, because if the person seems to enjoy talking me, I must be doing something right. I have to make sure they are a friend that I trust and one who cares about me though.</p>

20

<p>Watching the seasons of Boston Legal might solve your problem :wink: Have you done that already?!</p>