<p>Baystate–you are probably right and we are not worried about college admissions–his well being easily trumps that. The only reason we are pushing the school and haven’t pulled the plug is what Fellsmom and Thacher parent say–it’s about son’s self esteem (Fells) and he’s still a work in progress (ThPrnt). He doesn’t want to quit, and yes, he does have peer friends. S admits that even on good days this BS has been a mixed experience at best, but frankly, change is hard on teen, and having to face his old peer group having "wussed out " (obviously not my words) is even harder. I know we parents are the adults here, but it is a very tough call, because coming home is mixed too. That’s the only reason I am still pressing the school for more adult support (to encourage him to be more involved and to be there for the rough patches).</p>
<p>I can see you are in a tough spot. He may continue to feel the way he feels in current school but going home to feel like a “wussey” would be worse. At least you are on the same page about one thing, he’s not happy. So that should be the starting block. He needs to follow your request and make an effort to get involved. In other words, he needs to find an EC he enjoys and be a little less depressed because coming home might make him feel worse.
Did you run through this check list w/ advisor:
Is he eating alone?
Is roommate nice?
What is he doing on free time?</p>
<p>And it sounds like he still has spring term to go through even if he leaves, right? (and by the way I can’t imagine a peer group back home being anything but happy to see their friend back if that’s how it ends up, not judgmental, but that’s not the same as how he would feel.) Sounds like you as the parent are doing everything you can in a thoughtful way, so I know it will work out well eventually either way.</p>
<p>Grinzing, while my son is happy at his boarding school, I did not have a similarly positive experience. I spent three years at a school talked about all the time on this site, 9 - 11. It was not a happy time in my life. I finally asked my parents if I could come home for senior year, which they allowed me to do. I went back to my old day school. That transition was no piece of cake, either.</p>
<p>These many years later, I never discuss my decision to leave boarding school because, secretly, I’m ashamed by it. I feel like I gave up when the going was hard. It does not make me feel good about myself, that’s for sure. With the benefit of 52 years of life now, and watching my son have a totally different experience, this is what I have concluded (and this is highly individual to me and may not apply to your son in any way):</p>
<ol>
<li>I was an adolescent, constantly overreacting to perceived criticisms of others or perceived slights</li>
<li>Had a hard time laughing at myself</li>
<li>Was socially anxious, like ThacherParent said, i.e. hated trying to find a place to sit in the dining halls</li>
<li>Did not have the social skills to walk into groups, to join in…needed to be invited, which was a problem</li>
<li>Was a bit of a preppy fop, kind of a square, not hip</li>
<li>Was not athletic</li>
<li>Liked the school day best because it was structured with classes. Hated free time and the weekends because it meant loneliness.</li>
</ol>
<p>Academically, boarding school was pretty easy for me, and even going back to my old day school for senior year, I ended up at an Ivy. Of course, there’s no chance in today’s world that would ever happen.</p>
<p>So, with the benefit of hindsight, I realize that I didn’t do myself any favors by coming home. My unhappiness had more to do with me figuring out who I was and figuring out what I needed to do to be happy without all the crutches of home. Instead, I gave up and took what I thought was the easier route. But honestly, it turned out not to be about me and not about the school, it just took me years to figure that out. And, like I said, it was embarrassing explaining why I was back for senior year and to this day I feel like it’s one of the worst decisions I ever made.</p>
<p>These things aren’t easy Grinzing; I know that very well. Sometimes, four years at boarding school can be a net unhappy experience. It’s not always as great as some claim. But sometimes the battle to stay afloat, to find yourself when it’s not easy, is worth the anxiety. I wish that I had stayed my last year.</p>
<p>@Slim–that was a wonderful post, thank you so much for sharing such a personal story with us! (thank goodness for the anonymity of the cc board!)</p>
<p>@grinzing–I think there are many of us about to send our first child off to BS who are deeply worried about just the situation you face. I know I sure am. I do worry a ton about my son’s social skills, and if he will have what it takes to handle the non-academic parts of BS life. He’s a nice kid, and gets on well with adults, but I think he can be awkward with his peers. </p>
<p>It wasn’t clear to me from your earlier posts if your son is having problems with his peers, or if not problems, is he lacking in good friends? I know you are worried about his adult involvement, but what about the time he spends with the other boys? I think muf123 also was addressing this question–it’s an important one. Some kids don’t need constant feedback from an adult, but I would think in a BS situation, one would need constant feedback from one’s peers, and in a positive way. If he feels left out from the other kids, that would be far more devastating than not having a teacher give him a high-five. You sound like a wonderful, caring parent who is doing the best you can to be an involved parent (from a distance), and I bet you give him lots of positive reinforcement for his achievements. But at this age, kids need approval from their peers, and I wonder if he’s getting that. Best of luck, I’m sending good wishes your way.</p>
<p>NYMom3- that is such an important point. A few students get all of the support that they need from their peers, but are almost allergic to adults, and go out of their way to avoid them! My son has a friend like that. I don’t get that sense from Grinzing’s posts though.</p>
<p>Grinzing, I spotted an error in my post, second to last paragraph, that I wanted to correct. It says: </p>
<p>“But honestly, it turned out not to be about me and not about the school, it just took me years to figure that out.”</p>
<p>It should have said:</p>
<p>“But honestly, it turned out to be about me and not about the school, it just took me years to figure that out.”</p>
<p>I have a friend who elected to leave BS his junior year and he tells me it was one of his biggest regrets of his life. He’s 52 and still speaks of it today. I’m not a counselor of any sorts, by any means and can only suggest communication with a faculty member coupled with participation in the school. Also, it’s been a long cold Winter and the doldrums set in, especially in some of the more isolated BS. Spring fever is about to hit campuses and hopefully a renewed outlook.</p>
<p>I am hoping as you state Ops that things will look better with Spring.</p>
<p>My son has had a very successful two terms at BS (Freshman year), but home on Spring Break started expressing feelings about wanting to return home for no other reason other than he misses home. I was surprised but supportive and let him know if he really wants to come home for 10th grade, it was fine with me.</p>
<p>I am hoping that the social scene during winter term with lots of “shut-ins” will improve. Seems like a lot of kids got catty and lots of gossiping took place. I am hoping with his main Spring sport now upon his he will rebound and re- fall -in -love with his present school which the whole family has come to regard as impressive.</p>
<p>I think OP should discuss with their son and the BS the possibility of going back to the local school for a year while reserving his spot in BS. That’d give all parties some time to weigh different options and find the best one. If properly set up, he may come back to repeat his junior year at BS in a year.</p>
<p>muf - not sure where the confusion lies. I’m a father of a boarding school student. I went to boarding school Fall of '73 - Spring '76. I was talking about my own experience.</p>
<p>Sorry Slim. 9-11 confused me. Forgive me for reading it the wrong way.</p>
<p>Grinzing, remind us, please. Was it your son’s idea to go to BS, or did he just agree to go? Did he have some reservations - leaving family, leaving friends, having to start over socially at a new school, etc? Why did he want to go to BS in the first place?</p>
<p>Son’s path to BS was a mix. We planted the seed and suggested going East to check it out, but once engaged, S got excited about the idea. He did not seem to hesitate to try to a new school, but now admits, he really misses home (and I think it take ALOT for a teen to say that)! In retrospect, Ithink he got interested in part to please parents. As far as my view for his need for adults, it is not to replace peers–he does have some friends and a kind roommate. I believe teens need to know adults are giving them steady and consistent advice/inputs that peers cannot provide. Even when he was at a local day school before BS, he got positive reinforcement from teachers and good inputs from his advisor and. Our issue has been that the faculty and dorm parents and advisors and coaches seem content to leave him alone/take a hands off approach. IMO that is why he is not thriving (as well as some truth that he is still finding his way’ may be socially anxious; seems to be more hesitant than he used to be, etc.)</p>
<p>Grinzing, he sounds like a great kid. Have to admire him for being game and trying something new, even if it isn’t working out as he had hoped. I do agree it can be difficult for a young guy to admit they miss home, when, whether at home or not, they are in the process of individuating themselves. </p>
<p>If he does end up leaving the school, it would probably help to leave <em>for</em> something hopeful rather than fleeing something he didn’t like. It sounds as if home life & the prior school were working pretty well. Simply returning to that, in the right frame of mind, may be perfectly fine. If not, maybe a change of local schools would help. In either case, it may be worth helping him to reframing things as positively as possible…I wouldn’t want him returning still thinking he was ‘wussing out’…a couple of sessions with a counselor might work wonders on that. If your son, like mine, had to leave some great ECs and other things behind when he went off to school, he might look forward to picking them up again.</p>
<p>Grinzing, I think I read that you have already switched advisors once. Did your son choose his advisor or did you and the school? Have you asked your son what he expects from an advisor? Maybe he is not aware of what a good advisor has to offer. Your sons input is really important.</p>
<p>My son has a great relationship with his advisor. I think this is because he chose him, and from what I am told, his advisor also really wanted him as an advisee. His advisor really knows him knows what sports teams he likes, how many siblings he has, what his favorite subject is, etc. He checks up on my son regularly (actually shows up in his dorm room during study hall every now and again to make sure he is on top of his studies), is at one sit down meal a week with him, coaches him for athletics, teaches him in the classroom, and has had him over to his house for dinner. My son really respects him. Because their relationship is a tight one they sometimes have their moments, and my son might complain that his advisor just doesnt see something his way, but they work it out. It is a very healthy, natural relationship. His advisor asks for his input and also sets expectations. He can be subtle when encouraging my son to do something as well as direct depending on the situation. I have confidence my son wont fall through the cracks. </p>
<p>I think finding the right advisor is the key; especially in your situation. If you find that key person, they can connect with the dorm parent, coaches, teachers, counselor, etc. to keep him on track. If the school is not willing to find this key person and is truly a sink or swim environment, then I would seriously think about switching schools. You might want to consider contacting a good educational consultant. Not only will they be able to offer good advice on what to do for next year, they also might have some good ideas on how to make the situation better for spring term.</p>
<p>To make you feel better, even though my son seems to be happy at school, I still regularly get the I miss being home comments when he is home for long breaks and sees all of his friends. I think he knows he is in a better place, but kids often dont see the big picture. They live in the moment. As far as communication with us, it is usually us contacting him via email, text message or phone call. The only time he initiates communication is when he needs something or he is down. He doesnt seem to call home when everything is great. Sometimes I feel I am only getting half of the picture from him which is why having a good advisor has been so important. </p>
<p>I really hope things get better this spring for you!</p>
<p>Wise words, Chelsea1. You are spot on.</p>
<p>Grinzing, your son is probably home for break. Has it helped clarify things now that you are face to face?</p>
<p>Thank you --the inflow of comments has been so helpful and we are talking more to the BS about his situation, using good buzzwords from this series of posts like “meaningful engagement and mentoring”, in loco parentis responsibilties, and measuring self esteem. It is all helpful in speaking to the BS (but this is still a very tough call). Ironically, while the BS wants to help, when I reach out to different folks who by class, dorm, sports, come into contact with my S they all say “seems like a great kid–don’t know him very well or haven’t had much interaction.” Boink–point confirmed! It’s almost comical! What happened to it takes a village?</p>
<p>Grinzing, I am with you on this - your concern is very real and you should not have to “justify” your feelings to the school. Believe me, there are many parents before you who have complained to BS administrations because of lack of attention/mentoring/involvement. YOU ARE THE PARENT - YOU PAY THE TUITION. TELL them what your concerns are and ask them how they intend to fix before you pay the fall tuition deposit. If your experience is that your concerns have not been taken seriously, its time to consider getting him out of there. It seems you are really trying to make it work for him and not have him “fail” but that is only how it is being perceived. He will face alot of changes in his life, some good and some bad and always there is dissonance about these decisons. The posters who felt as though they failed by leaving BS seem to still not be at peace with their decision but this is just a matter of perception! He would transfer back to a local day school as a junior. Chances are there will be other new students as well. At least at home you can help him promote friendships, encourage participation in clubs and events, monitor his mental health. This is a very formative time in his life! Make the change, make it positive, make it worthwhile for him, cherish who he is and CAN BE! My s had a very similar experience first two years (sophomore and junior years) and I am still kicking myself for not moving him out. After 18 months it is obvious that your son is not receiving the support/guidance/companionship he needs. Its easy to blame it on being a teenager but from what you have described both in his actions and the lack of response from the school, better to find a place he can THRIVE not just survive. I’m sorry to be so blunt - this is just one opinion/one story, but my s never really “recovered” from his isolation and did not “jump in eventually” and in fact feels he has been so isolated (due to lack of involvement/friendships/sports, etc) now as a senior that he feels he “missed” some of the supposed best years of his life. I too tried to intervene from afar and was marginally helped by the school. In our case, his return to public school would have been a worse choice. By senior year, he was convinced it would not look good to change schools so he stayed. Stay strong, listen to your instincts.</p>
<p>Grinzing</p>
<p>While all of these comments are thoughtful, Mt first reaction (as a physician), is that you should have your son evaluated by a medical professional for depression --since this can be treated. Once this is excluded as a possibility, you certainly can explore other options and consider the excellent advice offered in this thread.</p>