<p>DS' grandparents are meddling in DS' college admissions, lobbying him/us that he apply to a particular top-10 university because DS' uncle "knows president and is on admissions committee". This lobbying now occurs at every family occasion. Uncle is doing this too. DS' HS' Navigance data clearly indicates that he's not a candidate for this school via GPA and ACT/SAT averages, plus there are LD issues. It's a bad fit even if clout would prevail. We certainly don't think connections will catapult him into an acceptance.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, his naive grandparents are also dissing great colleges that are on DS' short-list, with statements like "never heard of it", "isn't that where the not-smart students go?", and "your mother is under-estimating you" etc. Grandparents don't have an direct college information for basis of their statements. This seems to be more about perceived prestige than "good fit" for DS. My repeated attempts to intervene have resulted in the lobbying to continue behind my back. Obviously this is causing family tension, and DS is absorbing the their messages as good advice.</p>
<p>We’ve had these issues as well higgins with MIL/FIL. Are these your parents or the in-laws? I didn’t do well with all their meddling with S, but for D (now a hs junior) I intend to avoid bringing up the subject as much as possible and to demur and change the subject as soon as possible if it does come up. </p>
<p>If your S is expressing the thought that applying to t-10 is a good idea, you will need to discuss the fact that acceptance is unlikely, however I would not prevent him from applying if he is determined to do so.</p>
<p>I guess you could let him apply to the school, but don’t mention it to dear Uncle, and just see if he gets in on his own merit.</p>
<p>But I am not really one to nod and smile. I would probably be more likely to politely tell them to mind their own business. I guess I’m getting ornery in my old age.</p>
<p>Sorry if this was in there and I missed it, but DS is a senior? So this will all be over soon? Or is he a junior?</p>
<p>Are grandparents/uncle financing his college education? Because then your response and actions might have to take their wishes into consideration.</p>
<p>Unless you’ve gone through this process recently or have followed a dear friend or relative who has, many many fine schools are not on people’s radar screen (hence the “I’ve never heard of it!” remark).</p>
<p>Tell them that when you see the deposit into your savings account for DS’ full tuition for 4 years you will be glad to listen to their suggestions…</p>
<p>Oy! Is there a way to politely but firmly communicate to them that your DS’s college plans do not include their bragging rights at their golf club or senior center? It is not about them. Their grandson’s future is not ruined if he doesn’t attend the “family” alma mater. Plus what #3, #4, and #5 said. </p>
<p>They may not realize the name-brand schools from their day are MUCH more competitive today (I attended an Ivy-peer and most of my classmates are in agreement we’d have a much tougher time getting in now). Many of the once “lesser” schools have dramatically improved their programs, often to focus in areas that are a good match for many students who don’t got to whatever is T10 according to US News. Undergrad doesn’t matter as much if DS has plans that require grad or a professsional school. Yes, Ivy/peer pedigree helps, but isn’t essential (and may not be worth the $$!).</p>
<p>We had some minor family issues, not to the OP’s level. It works out. S is graduating from a “I never heard of them” school (well-known in our state but not the flagship school and I got the “Oh - where?” from my parents who were dissapointed he did not get into any of his 3 “name” schools). Didn’t matter - he had a FANTASTIC experience, did well academically, made a major positive impact as a leader in the Greek system, developed valuable professional contacts, and is well on his way to attending a well-regarded graduate program (that even the grandparents have heard of).</p>
<p>If polite rebukes don’t seem to be working by your son or yourself, I suggest inviting them to dinner <em>NOT with S</em> and lay out the college admissions process by first pointing out that, for one, it is NOTHING like it was when our generation applied and nothing even close to similar when they would have applied. Truth is, it barely resembles the process when my oldest D applied and that was only in 2003!! </p>
<p>Show them the scores, the match ups, the acceptance rates, etc. And see if the black and white of it doesnt awaken their sensibilities.</p>
<p>Explain the LD and how it is important to have a school that meets some needs there. While more abstract in explanation, pointing out the ways in which they don’t know everything about their grandchild/nephew might get them to see the light.</p>
<p>And finally, explain to them that with every diss and every chiding, they are taking away a part of your kids’ self worth and feelings of success in a process that is stressful regardless if they’ve never heard of the school. It’s demeaning, and while that may not be their intent, it doesn’t change the end result, Purposely setting a kid up for failure is one of those things that are behind adult resentments.</p>
<p>And if dinner is off the table… maybe an email would allow you to explain in a more concise way while allowing you to leave emotions out of it. I just think an invitation to dinner or another meeting to discuss this sole issue might relay the importance of it.</p>
<p>My resent similar experience: The other day my brother was in town and asked my D to where she applied. She listed the schools saying one was at the top of her list. He knew nothing about the school, but having been raised out East and having attending boarding schools, his 45 year old/no kids outlook is that only small CLA are worthy. He made an offhanded dig at the school. I was really proud of D who basically explained that those schools don’t have competitive programs in her major and she wanted a bigger school. My first inclination was to espouse how great her picks were and his judgment was old fashioned and flawed, while hers was to just explain why the school in question fit perfectly FOR HER. Shut him right up.</p>
<p>If so, just tell them that, since they did not consider it worth the money to send you there, it is not worth the money to send your kid there. Or tell them that they can put up the money for both the application costs and four years’ cost of attendance.</p>
<p>I suggest also having the following conversation with your son about his grandparents. Tell him (swallow hard first if you have to) this: You know they love him and have his best interests in mind. They look at him and see their perfect grandson and think that no place is good enough for him. You think (winking your eye and smiling) that no place is good enough for him either. However, looking at the statistics for the “chosen school,” his stats are not likely to get him in. You want him to go where HE would be the happiest. Be supportive, even if he decides to apply. He may want to apply just to get the grandparents off his back, kind of hoping he won’t get in anyway.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound as if the grandparents are going to be reasonable, so you may just have to try to get through these next few months. It’s a tough situation for you and your son, and I think you’ll need to tread carefully.</p>
Excellent advice!
P.S. None of my business, but have they ever compensated you for the great injustice they did you by paying for sib’s college experience, while you had to settle because of their unfairness?</p>
<p>Having the same problem right now with both sets of grandparents. MIL and FIL (and her parents) went to a big name private school (to which S has applied, but it is not his first choice), and MIL repeatedly says negative things about the small LAC our S has fallen in love with, which has accepted him. It’s such a perfect fit for him, and MIL said “it does not have a good reputation in our area” by which I presume she means her senior citizens only community. We were shocked by her comment and asked her to elaborate, but she could not. What, that it doesn’t have a huge D1 football program? Our S doesn’t care about football. Meanwhile, my father went to a big midwest public known for engineering, and is very upset that his grandson didn’t even apply. Uh, Dad, S doesn’t want to major in engineering, and doesn’t want to move to the midwest. “Grandpa went there” is not a good reason, on its own, to pay OOS tuition for a school that doesn’t even have the program you want to study. I am really stunned by how the grandparents all make S’s college choice about themselves, not about S!</p>
<p>After reading the other thread I am shocked you are still speaking to them - at all.<br>
If you got in and your brother graduated I can understand how your parents would assume he could do it too. It is nice to just ignore the LD and believe only the best. </p>
<p>I would tell my kid the truth and let him decide. I would also put the family on restricted contact. Smiling and nodding only go so far. Then there is the Oops I have to get home to let the dog out. And the so sorry we won’t be able to make it over for that occassion.<br>
I can’t imagine how many different ways I would have found to torture my parents if they had dared say anything along the lines of “That is a lot of money to waste on a girl.” Does your son know they did that to you?</p>
<p>SJRcalderone–some friends did that to their own SON. He wanted to go to a LAC-he loved it there, perfect fit for him–forced him to go to mega huge University-hated it. He dropped out after a year and they couldn’t figure out why—but then they let their DD go to the SAME LAC their son wanted to attend. I still can’t figure it out. He has moved away from his family and is now taking classes a that LAC he liked from the start. We have suggested schools for the kids to look into but would never force them to go to one they didn’t want to attend. We know their likes and dislikes and would not suggest one they didn’t like in the first place either.</p>
<p>mncollegemom, so sad for your friends’ S. I’m glad he’s finally where he wanted to be all along.
We told our S when he was a freshman in HS that we would support him applying to any college he liked, as long as he kept up his grades, thus earning the right to apply. Now he has heard from 7 of the 9 to which he applied. The big family legacy school doesn’t tell kids if they got in until April 1 (such a long time to wait). Our S grew up wearing Big School’s tee shirts, and figuring he’d go there. He doesn’t have anything against it, and it does have a good program for his desired field. It’s just that in the course of exploring schools, he/we stumbled upon a much smaller LAC, and after visiting twice, he’s sold. And, he has gotten in to the school, and into the program for his major. The LAC rose to the top of his wish list after the 2nd visit. He’s thrilled. In a way, I’m hoping Big School denies him admission so he can tell the MIL that there is nothing he can do about it, he tried and was denied. Case closed.</p>
<p>“I would tell my kid the truth and let him decide. I would also put the family on restricted contact.” (post #15)
–>Can’t agree more. This was exactly what I did when my mom trying to meddle my son’s college application. When I grew up, the only acceptable college major was medicine from my mom’s point of view. And I suffered a lot at that time since I had no desire to became a doctor. So when she tried to “talk” to my son to go into medical field last year, I asked her to stay away. I told her that I’ll let my son to decide what he wants to study in college, even me as a mother won’t interfere my son’s decision . My mom was very unhappy that I kept a distance afterward, and the last sentence she said to me and my son (at the end of our argument) was like “you know, I bet XXX (my son’s name) is not qualified for medical school neither.”</p>
<p>Wow. Grandparents have the dubious privilege of thinking whatever they want about their grandchildren, and disregarding the parents’ obligation to raise the kids in the real world. It starts out when they buy a toddler drums for Christmas. The OP describes comments that are out of line, by any objective standard. They insult the boy’s abilities, undermine his optimism about his future, and may undermine his confidence in the guidance he’s getting from his parents. Their comments are unkind to the kid, really, no matter how the comments are meant.</p>
<p>The OP is clearly well versed in college admissions and is not making sloppy decisions. The OP’s focus is, properly, on her son, his feelings, and whether he is being hurt or misled by the extended family’s misguided lobbying efforts. If he is tuning all of this out, it’s less of a problem. If they are taking the joy out of this milestone for him, or compounding his stress, then the boundaries need enforcement.</p>
<p>Only the OP would know whether the boundaries in this family are best enforced by sitting them down in front of Naviance, or by declining invitations for vague reasons. When it comes to enforcing boundaries with elderly grandparents, there are two complications – sometimes their antisocial behavior is the leading edge of dementia, and sometimes they become incapacitated or die on short notice. If that happened while the family is “on the outs” over their thoughtless remarks about colleges, it would likely compound everyone’s grief and might engender additional conflict among the next generation. As kids become acquainted with their grandparents’ quirks, warts, thoughtlessness, and lesser qualities, they understand human nature and their own family history better.</p>
<p>As the focus belongs on the boy, maybe this can be used as an opportunity for him to review with his parents and clarify in his own mind why he is applying to certain schools and NOT applying to 4,000 other schools. If he can also separate the wheat from the chaff in his relationship with the grandparents and uncle, and remain uninjured by their misguided remarks while continuing to enjoy occasional contact with people that he probably won’t have forever, he is a wise young man, and so much the better.</p>
<p>Stop talking to them about college. If the subject comes up again…and it will say “We really are not discussing this until after he makes his enrollment decision.” Repeat if necessary…as many times as possible. Then walk away.</p>