Mental Illness getting in the way of everything

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

If you’ve read any of my other threads you probably know that I have issues with depression and anxiety. But lately, it seems to take 200% of my energy just to do anything. My grades are fine, but I’m struggling just to make it through the school day and I have nothing left for my extracurriculars.

Now, look, yes, I want to go to really good schools for the prestige, but more than anything I need the financial aid and I know for a fact that the more competitive universities have the best aid. This is not some game of pride for me; I’m just not one of those people who have amazing ECs, course rigor, or will get into the Ivy Leauge. Sure, I feel like a potato because that’s kind of a bruise on my ego, but I know my place in the world. All my life I’ve hated and doubted myself and yes, I want to make up for that by going to a top school but I can live with the fact that the Ivies are not in the cards for me.

Sorry for the rant. Anyway, I’ve been horribly depressed for the past few weeks and it’s almost impossible for me to do anything but drag myself through school. I have extracurriculars I want to do, accolades I want to receive, but I just feel so hopeless like I won’t accomplish anything and that when the time comes my only option will be to go to the local SUNY and live at home because either I won’t get accepted anywhere else or I won’t get good enough financial aid. And no, I’m not saying going to a state school/uncompetitive school is bad or in any way passing judgment on anyone who does go to one of those types of schools, I’m just saying.

I know and have known people who have had their entire lives ruined or catastrophically interrupted due to mental illness (including one of my parents who is 44 and just about to get a bachelors degree), and I don’t want to end up like that. At the very least, I want to go to a good school with good financial aid, get my undergrad and med degree on time, do my residency, have a stable well paying job and be comfortable yadda yadda yadda, but I’m so worried that I’ll live in poverty my whole life because my illness ruined everything. Conversely, I’ve heard stories like “I was hospitalized for a year in ninth grade but now I’m a Harvard valedictorian” and yes, I KNOW that that’s extremely rare, but I have the self-esteem of a burlap sack and the slightest thing triggers me. So then I feel like a failure and like I just make excuses for everything because I didn’t get into a tippy-top because of a silly little thing like major depression.

Yes, I am seeking help; I go to a counselor and I take medicine and I’m trying to do stuff like eat healthily and exercise and get enough sleep and etc and all that stuff that helps with mental health, but I feel so lost and hopeless right now. I feel like my future will be nothing.

2

Your current mental health supports (counselor, meds) are going to be much more helpful than us on this topic. Most of us are not trained psychiatric professionals.

Are you being honest with the counselor about how depressed you are? Maybe your dosage needs to be reconsidered?

3

Okay – but I recall your threads where the school had to be Columbia. And there are quite a few schools less selective than Columbia that meet need or close to it. There are also options at in-state schools that are fairly inexpensive. I think you’ve worked yourself into a state of anxiety over this that is unnecessary and counterproductive.

Honestly, you should just ditch CC for a couple years. Come back fall of junior year. Being out here is not helping you. Focus on school, ECs as you have time (that you really like), and friends. Do not give college planning anothet thought until junior year.

4

Stay off this website. Instead, buy yourself a Fiske guide, create a college email address, and fill out the request info form for the colleges you like in your state or nearby. Then expand to states in the mid Atlantic and new England. Then farther away. :wink:
If you’re lower income, NYS has HEOP for top private schools.

5

You really need to get off of CC. Being on this site is fueling your anxieties. Stop worrying about what will happen years from now and focus on getting healthy.

6

Here are my thoughts on choosing a college if you have anxiety:

Pick based on how it works for YOU , not prestige. I assure you that after this year nobody cares about that.

http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/2007642-students-with-anxiety-choosing-a-college-p1.html

7

If you’re that anxious about school, you may want to consider schools that are laid back. Columbia is not a laid back school.

Perhaps consider – Hampshire – they give merit to high performers

  • Mt. Holyoke – low key, excellent academics
  • Wooster
  • Evergreen
  • College of the Atlantic
  • Greenmountain College – has a full scholarship for all four years
  • Marlboro – has a full scholarship currently

The most important thing to remember is that you’re going to be fine. Really and truly, you will be fine. The “worst case scenario” is that you will drop out of high school – right? If you did drop out, you would still be fine. Once you get out of high school you realize that there are so many paths you can take. Really and truly, you will be fine. If you dropped out of HS, you would be able to breathe deeply and, when you’re ready, get your GED. Then you could start at community college and work your way toward your goals from there. Top scientists and top authors and top lawyers–some of them have started at community colleges after long breaks from school.

The most important thing you can do right now is to chill out. You will be fine.

8

I’m going to say 2 things that might sound contradictory at first, but the aren’t.

First, you mentioned you want to go to med school. There is a ton of advice here on CC that you are actually better off going to your state school (unless you’re in CA) than a super competitive school because your’e grades will be higher and most people will save money.

Second, you’ve probably also seen all the posts that life is not a race, it’s a journey. There’s a lot of validity to @happy1 comment about stop worrying about the future; if you are always so goal oriented, you miss the journey.

So, if you want to be goal oriented, maybe it’s better to think about the long-term goal but keep that fuzzy and generalized. It’s just important to know that there are lots of different paths of getting to your ultimate goal, and that what you need to do is to focus on the here and now. Part of what that means is that if you take off the table the need to get into an Ivy, you can step away from the gaming aspect of getting good grades, and instead focus on taking classes that you might find interesting (so maybe you take an art class rather than yet another AP) and focus on actually learning the material rather than just learning for a test. And focus on listening to your inner voice about what you enjoy doing and what brings you happiness, and try out all kinds of ECs until you discover what you like. Once you take the pressure of perfection off your shoulders, you can really discover who you are. And that is what’s going to serve you best in life.

9

It’s a bummer. But make a plan for yourself with your mental health professional. Get plenty of rest, and try to increase your physical activity during the day. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Make a list of what you need to accomplish each day and reward yourself for getting through the day. Things will get better!

10

First thing, take a breather, as I can relate.
Sophomore year, I was obsessed with getting into a good college or I was going to be a failure. The truth is, that is completely false. I know people who have only gone to Community College and are making a pretty decent living. In fact, some people actually say that going to a too good of a school could be harmful for your application to a job, as it can set a near impossible high expectation.
The thing is that you need to seek out some friends to help you.

11

You have fixated on an elite school as the only path for you, but this is not true. There are other schools that meet full need. There are schools that offer scholarships based on GPA and test scores, no fancy accomplishments necessary. You can start at a community college free or near free with a Pell grant. You can get tuition grants through your state, the military (ROTC or GI bill), or Americorps. There are scholarships of different kinds. There are also loans, which when taken in combination with other types of aid in reasonable amounts can also open up options. You can work after school and over the summer and save up for part of your expenses as well.

12

What I’m trying to say is that I’m becoming more aware that an environment like Columbia or any other top-ranked, competitive school would NOT be right for me and that I’m trying to think more sensibly about college. I was explaining WHY I was so fixated on an elite school which is because I need close to 100% or 100% of the COA covered. I thought that that was the only reasonable solution, but now I understand that it’s not. I know I have other options like scholarships and grants and even loans. There are quite a few state schools I’m considering where I could get the Excelsior Scholarship. I’ve been talking to some people and I’m getting advice that is allaying my worries somewhat. I’ve realized that I’m being a little extreme and over-the-top about this, and I’m finally taking counsel from others like about how I don’t need to go to a tippy-top for undergrad.

@preppedparent Thanks for the advice :slight_smile: I’ve been seeing a counselor regularly and I’m doing regular exercise and getting 8 hours of sleep. I feel a lot better even after just a few days!

13

So glad you are doing better. My daughter chose a small elite LAC over Columbia because she wanted a tight knit community and smaller classes. It might be right for you too.

14

There are some schools less stressful than schools like Columbia that meet need, too. Holy Cross is an example. And there are schools close to meeting need (like Dickinson) that might be a better fit. And that list may shift in the next couple of years, so best to just put your focus on doing well in school and in ECs for now.

15

There is a range of schools that would meet your financial need, it doesn’t have to be Columbia or any other Ivy League school. I think there are dozens that claim to meet 100% of need, as they determine it.

My daughter is in a very similar situation as you are, and the SUNYs, along with numerous private schools, are currently on our radar. There are lots of options, when the time comes.

I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better. Keep up the positivity!

16

Explore colleges.
Buy a nice spiral notebook. It’ll be your college notebook.
Create a college email address (SamiFutureCollege@…com)
Get a Fiske Guide. Find 5 schools you hadn’t heard of in your State and fill out the “request info form” for each of them. Contact all the SUNYs listed in the book.
Then, expand and do the same for colleges in New England and the Mid Atlantic, 5 per State MINIMUM (well, except when there aren’t enough colleges listed in Fiske to even make 5 colleges :p)
Frolick a bit on the websites, see what they’re proud of, what they emphasize in their pictures. Do they have music?
Videos? Blogs?
Open a double page for each college (left-right sides rather than front and back, for ease of reading), write each name and jot down a couple things you noticed or liked about what you read in Fiske, on the website, or in the many glossy brochures you’ll start getting. Enjoy the brochures, they’re all very well-done. Remember they’re marketing, but enjoy nevertheless in the same way you enjoyed toy catalogs when you were little and dreaming of Santa Claus.
For now, you’re opening yourself to new worlds and exploring.

17

I would not buy a notebook or Fiske guide at this point. I would not contact SUNY schools or watch college videos. You are a sophomore in HS. I think the best thing to do is to not think about colleges for the next year. Get off of CC for now. Focus on getting well, doing you best in classes, and if you are up for it find some ECs you enjoy. There will be plenty of time to find the right group of schools to apply to next year when you are (hopefully) healthier, have some standardized test scores, have two years worth of your GPA etc. I’m glad you are off the “Columbia of bust” idea but honestly I think some time away from thinking about specific colleges to apply to would be beneficial at this juncture in your life.

18

^ based on his interests and personality, op isnt going to stop thinking about colleges. So, that interest should be turned into something productive and not anxiety filled, but fun.

19

^^ We will have to agree to disagree on this one. Ultimately the OP will do whatever she wants.

20

I’m still going to think about colleges but in a healthier way and I’ll focus more on school and ECs and etc. Live in the present but consider the future.