Messing up and afraid to tell my mother! HELP

Parents Forum
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Hi.

This is unbelievably embarrassing. I’m in my 4th year of my undergrad degree, and I have been having trouble with school and studying. I basically hate everything about it. After many screw ups, and getting put on academic probation I promised my mom, whom I live with, that I would do better. I did stick to it for a semester, and then slacked off again… but I worked instead. Now, I don’t do either. I haven’t been to school in 2 weeks, and I now have 7 absences in one class and the professor is going to fail me. I can not believe this is happening! Listen, I’m an adult, I realize that I’m the problem and I messed up, and this is well deserved! I just can’t believe that it’s happening because the professor said, at the start of the semester that we had 8 chances to not come to class. I honestly don’t know what to do about this, how to fix it, and worst of all… how to tell my mom. I don’t have to tell her, I could just lie… but the thing is, I was really good in this class. I actually liked it, and did a lot for it. My mom was aware of that because I told her about it, several times. Now, considering I’ve been a good student all semester, do you think it’s possible the professor will forgive this and let me take the exam? Should I tell my mother or just not say anything…? How would you, as a parent, feel if your daughter was in this situation? What would you hope she do?

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  1. Talk to the professor and discuss what your options are. Nobody on this board knows your options.
  2. If you are going to fail the class, withdraw first if the date hasn't already passed. A "W" is better than an "F"
  3. Talk to your mom. She may not always express it he best way, but she wants what is best for you.

Because of #2, you need to do this ASAP.

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You missed class 7 times and if you miss another, you fail. So don’t miss another class.

Or did you meet with the professor and they changed their mind about 7 absences vs. 8 absences?

Did you have a valid excuse for any of the absences?

I would feel that my daughter should go to the professor and get a final determination. If the policy is in writing on the syllabus, the professor has to hold to it. If the policy is NOT in writing, and was never conveyed in writing, you can go to the chair of the department and ask for a second chance.

Attendance policies vary in different classes, but where I teach, attendance is not mandatory for juniors and seniors unless explicitly listed on the syllabus (and it is frowned upon to require it).

Also - you missed 2 weeks of classes. If you don’t have a reason for those absences beyond “I didn’t feel like going” - you should avail yourself of the college’s counseling center. I did what you did, but it was in 1st grade - my mom let me stay home until I felt like going back…

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Something is very wrong here. When a formerly decent student suddenly stops going to class and isn’t going to work, I’d wonder why. Rather than trying to fix the problem, you need to ask yourself why it began in the first place. Are you depressed? Definitely tell your mother. You may be an adult in the eyes of the law, but most parents my age don’t really think of our young adult children as fully mature, so we grant them some grace when they screw up! And think about getting evaluated by a counselor.

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If the professor has mis-counted your absences, then have an in-person conversation about it and be prepared to prove that you have only missed 7 times. You definitely need to attend every single remaining class as you didn’t leave yourself any wiggle room for future absences.

I would hope that my daughter would get her butt to class. Also, don’t try to make the case with your professor that you have

because your professor most likely considers attendance to be part of being a good student.

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I actually am depressed, and I am on medication. Both of my Doctors also work at the health center at school. I just don’t think a “look what I’ve been doing to my arm” (I’m a cutter) excuse is going to be helpful. Yes, I didn’t go to school for 2 weeks because I wasn’t feeling up to it but I don’t want to be making excuses. I have no other responsibility but this, and I am so mad at myself for doing such a horrible job at it. Honestly, I deserve to be dropped from his class, and all the other classes. I really do… but I just can’t handle another huge failure in my life right now. I feel like I’m making excuses, though. I know a recently 22 year old might not be the most mature person in the world, but I am just making mistake after mistake, it seems like I can’t get anything right anymore!

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Get yourself to your doctors asap. Just because you are on medication doesn’t mean that it’s working. Telling your doctors that you’ve been cutting will definitely be helpful.

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See I lied to my mother when she asked me if I went to school. My mom works, so she doesn’t actually know where I am most of the day. It’s embarrassing to admit to lying, and I feel ashamed for having done that. I’m not scared or anything, I just don’t wanna disappoint her!

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Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

You need to fix your mental health so that your lying to your mom and your skipping school can stop. Have you made an appointment with one of your doctors yet?

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Yeam, I think your medication may need to be tweaked if you are still not able to attend school. Make an appointment asap with your doctors and tell them what’s happening.
Don’t worry about disappointing your mom. She knows you’re struggling. You are disappointing yourself, and that is painful. Please don’t beat yourself up over messing up in this class. It’s just a class. Your health is far more important, and once you get healthy again, you can always go back and retake classes. See your doctor, talk to your professor, and if it looks like he may fail you, see if you can withdraw and take it later. Tell the prof the truth- that you are not healthy right now, and probably should drop his class.
Is there a reason you need to be in school at all right now? Would it be possible to take some time off and work for awhile? It might be a relief and give you some confidence that you can make it in this world.

My husband dropped out of school at 21 ( stopped going to class and accumulated a bunch of “Ws” and worked for a few years rigging sailboats. When he went back, he had more enthusiasm and a goal, and he had matured a lot. He has had a very successful career, but it was not a straight trajectory. The key is to have faith that you will find your way, even if you need to zig-zag a bit. I think you are far too hard on yourself, and you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. Good luck.

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Tell your mom, tell your mom, tell your mom. Do it today. Start wwith " I have something I need to tell you. It’s going to upset you, and it upsets me too…" then just spit it out. I have been your mom, and there is nothing, nothing worse than the deception. Get out from under that shadow NOW. Regroup. Replan. Remember you have known all along, she is just finding out and deserves a little time to process. A day or two. Then figure out what to do next.

Withdrawing from the class before you fail it is prudent. Asking the professor to give you a break is not fair to all the students who actually went to class, or the professor who laid out the rules in advance and has been doing work to educate you. That’s the bottom line.

Hang on. Just hang on. All paths take time – to find, to forge, to follow. ((hug))

Now go. tell. mom.

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Definitely go back to your doctor. Your meds may need to be changed, and you may need to take a leave of absence for a while. Your mental health is more important than your grades. You are more important than your grades. Your mother will agree with me, even if she is initially hurt and disappointed that you didn’t get help sooner.

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Thanks everyone. I’ve been a long time lurker on this site, and I finally made and account and I’m so glad I did so. Thank you, honestly, I really felt like this helped a lot. And thanks for (unlike most other forums on the web) not making me feel worst about this whole thing. The reason I’m insisting on going to school is because I want to be done with my studies sooner, since my problems started the same time I started college. (Granted, my father passed away suddenly at the end of my senior year in high school, and that was the start, but really didn’t start to set in until after I started college). I’ve talked with my mom, and she knows all about how I feel. I wanted to take a semester off, before summer, and work that whole time. (I do have a job, even now I can go back. I’m really good at it, too and I enjoy it. But, teaching is not what I want to do! I mean, I really don’t want to be paid… anyways) My mom suggested I get out of this place, which is only adding to my problems sooner. (I can’t transfer. )

So, that’s the reason. I’m already a year behind (I will finish in 5 years, meaning next year). Now, dropping this class means my GPA is going to drop. I had a great presentation a few weeks ago, and the Professor really enjoyed it and I got a Complete on that. I’ve been attentive in class, like I said, I enjoyed the class. I was just in a bad situation the past few weeks… I was sick, then I had a mid-term exam that I didn’t feel ready for (so I skipped classes to study for that) but then I didn’t do as well as I thought I would, and I was angry about that. You know, things just piling up! To add to all of that, I have family in France and Belgium and I’ve been really worried. (They’re fine, but so many other people aren’t … :(( ) - I don’t want to drop this class, even though I don’t deserve to get a free pass. I just need him to give me a second chance, and I’ll prove that I want to change.

I also told my mom. Not the whole truth, but I told her about the professor wanting to drop me. She said she was on my side, and that I should talk with him and try to go to all of my classes from now on, since it’s the easiest part of the whole deal. (Easy for her to say! lol ) Anyways, that’s my plan. I’ll talk to him in a few days before class, and I will ask him for a second chance. I will also tell him the truth, about being sick and mentally unable. I have a Doctor’s appointment before that, and I might ask my Doctor for a little help. (Maybe a note or sth?) So…It just might work. Fingers crossed. I really need a win right now.

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Well, my daughter just told me the exact same thing. I encouraged her to withdraw. If you have medical documentation from MD’s or therapists on campus, you are entitled to a medical withdrawal, which means no “W” 's on your transcript. My daughter also worked hard for most of the term and says that she will focus on the learning she had and try not to regret the lost work.

If you feel “behind,” you are following a traditional timetable, which the majority of college students don’t do. There is plenty of flexibility in life. One of my kids worked for a year and a half without any school and now takes just one or two classes and works now. She does not feel “behind.”

Like many kids with genuine challenges, you resist what you perceive to be special treatment for your depression in terms of academics and accommodations. You would qualify for accommodations through the disability office that might include excuses absences, extra time for papers etc. But you would have to register and it seems like you might not want to do that.

Any medical withdrawal that wipes the slate clean, and any accommodation while you are in school that is granted because of your depression or med side effects etc. is valid, I assure you. The idea is to level the playing field so you can do the work you are able to do, just like everyone else.

That said, it is often really helpful to take a medical leave or longer break to get you depression under control. It IS possible! Once it is manageable you can return to school in many ways, online adult learner/degree completion, or on campus p/t or f/t. There are many ways to go. If working is better for you right now, do that for awhile.

Don’t beat yourself up. This will be a small glitch when you look back in a few years. Good luck!

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First, I am glad you were able to talk to your doctors, and to your mom, and also to your professors. Recognize that this is a HUGE step, that many depressed kids find it very difficult to take. Realize that this step is in fact itself one of the “wins” that you needed.

Also, I agree with @compmom that a medical leave or accommodation is something you may want to consider at least looking into.

There is no shame in asking for and getting help - and schools are much more willing to provide assistance nowadays than they ever were for previous generations.

Sorry for the loss of your father.

Lots of people are able to get a better grip on things - for some it takes more time than for others. But when you get help, it gets better. It won’t always be easy, and sometimes you will feel worse about things that otherwise aren’t so bad. But with help, you will arm yourself with the tools you will need to help yourself work through this, and whatever other problems come your way.

Last, thank you for your post letting us know you talked to your mom. As a previous long-time lurker, you may well understand that there are lots of very supportive people here, even if we are all anonymous strangers. Other students in a similar situation will hopefully be encouraged to talk to their own mom or dad, or doctor, and will get help, in part thanks to you and this thread.

Best of luck to you, and if it does not get in the way of your path, please come back and let us know your progress.

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One other thing: grief can sometimes resemble depression, or extend into depression. There are resources for young people who have lost a parent, bereavement groups and other types of support. I lost my father around the same time in the late 60’s when there wasn’t much knowledge of the stages of grief or the effects of such a loss on functioning. it sounds like you continued admirably on the expected path but loss of a parent is a huge deal, and processing it can help in the long run even if it seems like an obstacle in the short run. Good luck!

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//shaking my finger at OP//

go back, and tell your mother the whole truth. You are indulging yourself in magical thinking – the professor has rules, you ignored them knowing what it would get you, and you are still thinking there’s some way to get out of the consequences. Maybe there is, but let’s let Mom in on the whole story, just in case. Failure isn’t as disappointing as you imagine , nor as life-changing. But lying, man, is that destructive. Go tell her!

The consequence of dropping the class, or getting an F, will not matter to you when you are 50. You have to take longer to finish? Glory hallelujah, that’s a lucky break, a win right there. You can still finish!! BUT you have to, have to, have to tell Mom the whole truth. She deserves it. You deserve her support and help, and she can’t do that if you keep her in the dark. Honesty is scary and hard. But trust her, and yourself. Again, I have been in your mom’s shoes and it was the lying that hurt the most. Go. (good first steps! we give you a do-over!)