" I don’t have any way of checking to see if his work is completed since it is mostly classwork, and his teachers seem to be of the opinion that it is time for me to let him take responsibility now. I agree, but I’d at least like to monitor how he is doing before the grade is posted, ya know? "
Totally agree. And maybe for a different thread but for all the “parental involvement” that schools profess to desire, they put up every blockade possible to knowing how your kid is progressing until it’s too late. Unless your kid has really great teachers who alert you to potential problems then it can be a recipe for a train wreck. You can’t teach your kid how to solve problems if you aren’t aware of the problems.
I did bring up a dosage change with his psychiatrist because of his issues with motivation and completing his work, and because he’s been on the same dose for at least 2 years if not longer. I didn’t even consider puberty to be a reason he might need a higher dose now. Thanks. I’ll mention it again at his next appointment. She didn’t change it because my son said he didn’t think he needed a different amount. He’s good about taking his meds. He will ask me for them and take them himself because he knows they help him.
Going rogue on this. Two easy things to try that don’t require much…(going back to my own experiences).
Bribe. I know that sounds bad at first blush but sometimes that carrot doesn’t have to be very large to promote behavior change. As habits grow then the carrot is secondary to the accomplishment. But the carrot has to look juicy. (People use this daily to promote behavior change in all aspects of their lives.)
What does he want? Ask him. Negotiate the terms (no caving–he has to deliver). Could be simple as a new video game.
Appeal to peer group pressure. How are your friends doing? Appeal to sense of competition. This isn’t hard if you already know that the friends are doing well and that your kid is competitive. (Worked for me big time!)
My borderline ADHD son had similar issue in 6th grade and he is now a bio/comp sci freshman in Stanford and pursuing dance career at the same time. Everyone deals with ADHD related issues differently and here’s what we did (I am similar to him so able to help somewhat)
He had game issue which I believe was related to ADHD. We took him to therapy for a few years talking about ADHD challenges, awareness , etc
Encouraged and supported him in activities he loved: dance, soccer, music, etc
Spent time with him on the challenging and long tasks such as studying science and history. He did the study and I was just there to help him stay focused. My husband helped him with challenging math competition problems. He gained confidence and learned that he needed quiet place and time/repetition to study, which has been helpful even now in college.
He was lucky to have a great math teacher who was compassionate and understanding in 7th and 8th grade. She always gave him encouragement and when he got restless in class, sent him out to drink water or run quick chores for her. When he was out of control, she usually contacted me to talk about strategies. Usually I only needed to give him gentle reminder. He loves his math teacher and didn't want to disappoint her.
In the summers, he went to summer academic programs (more challenging than school work) in addition to dance intensives and soccer training camps. Staying busy and getting better at what he loved to do was generally helpful.
Stay strong and hope your son will get through this challenging time!
Thanks gouf78! Perfect timing. He just texted me with a link to a bicycle that he wants (brave little thing he is lol) and I told him that I would buy it for him if he could complete all his work to the best of his ability (including the things that he didn’t complete before now) for the next 2 weeks between now and interim reports. He excitedly agreed. It’s kind of large reward for such a short term goal, but he needs a new bike anyway and I’ll get tax return money right about the same time lol.
Ok, as parents we all know or should know our children’s abilities. School work just doesn’t all of a sudden become impossible for a kid that was doing well before. I have one kid that is good in science and math. I have another that isn’t as good, but she can recite any fact she reads, therefore social studies teachers love her and her knowledge.
My wife and I have always stressed doing your best in school. If you can look me in the eye and tell me that C is your best then so be it. We also taught the girls about the easy points in class. Turning things in on-time, etc.
All that being said my kids know I can make their life a living hell if I want and I won’t get in trouble for it. I didn’t have everything as a kid and my parents had even less so I can take away things at a drop of a hat. If one of my kids appeared to stop trying then basically everything would be gone for them. Phone, computer, friends, TV, videogames, sports, etc. I will provide food, shelter, clothes, books and all the help you want with school outside of that you are going to have a boring life.
I also gave my kids plenty of examples of people who didn’t do well in school and where they ended up in life.
My son has grown up hearing my regrets for the way I handled my education. I went to back to school when he was in pre-K and graduated right after he turned 10. He saw me struggle and saw the improvement in our life circumstances when I graduated and got a job paying twice what I’d ever been paid. It’s still not a lot and we still struggle some, but it’s much better. He knows how important education is for sure.
There are people who design theme parks for a living. Have him noodle around on the internet and pull up a couple of backgrounds of folks at Disney Imagineering. See what their education and career paths look like. There are books about the history of theme parks- who what why. There are tons of careers that build OFF the theme park industry- human factors engineering, which is a discipline that tries to make everything safer- the cockpit of commercial airplanes, the little chime when you don’t buckle your seat belt, the traffic circles in the middle of a city. Behavioral economics-- the discipline which helped create “one day admissions passes” which end up costing MORE than you’d pay if you were going to pay by the ride? But it has lots of applications- why aren’t there clocks in casinos, why do people eat MORE chocolate chip cookies when they come in little 80 calorie bags than they do when they come in a bigger bag? Who decides where the trash cans go at a theme park, and who makes the decision to make them smaller than they are in a mall, but get emptied more frequently???
And theme parks are just plain fun. Why not put a date in early July on the calendar for a family trip to a park he’s never been to, and then just point out (once) that if he’s in summer school, that Thursday/Friday combo won’t work with his schedule.
Encourage his reading. New Yorker? Atlantic? Sports Illustrated? Any publication with high quality writing; he’s curious, he’ll find something interesting to read about.
His brain may be taking a time out this year while his organizational skills (which might be weak anyway), his focus (for sure problematic) and his interests start to lag his intellectual ability. And that’s fine. If you de-escalate the discussion about his grades and refocus on what HE loves to learn about, you may find an approach that sticks.
All I have to add is that I would ask the teachers for a report of what his grades are made up of. It’s possible that he’s doing fine on tests and the grades are coming from assignments that aren’t getting turned it, which is very likely with a bright ADHD student, and something that can be addressed with counselors/experts that are trained on organizational and executive skills development in ADHD students. The “they are middle schoolers, they need to be responsible for managing assignments and turning them in on their own” philosophy does not work for ADHD students.
Actually, middle school is the perfect time for that approach, as there really aren’t any consequences of note. He will need to acquire the skill, probably with some failure along the way, so the sooner the better to start, before high school or college grades,are recorded.
Go ahead with the testing, but I am very happy that I sent my kids to Private school for MS and HS. Obviously it depends on the school, but they were very protected and supported intellectually and socially.
Kids go through stuff. They do. What’s important is that while you are trying to figure this out you don’t set-up this notion that he’s doing irreparable damage. Like he’s killed his college chances before his voice has even changed. Not only does it not help but it’s not true.
I’d start with a physical. Make sure all his levels are good. An early dose of hormones can trigger a lot of problems. Even low iron levels can mess you up. I’d look into any potential bully issues. Not unusual for this age to try and hide it from parents. He sounds depressed and certainly that will cause kids to drop-out of life and really not have the words for why it’s happening.
IF motivation is the issue, and I don’t know that it is, it may work (depending on the kid) to point out how grades now can ultimately play a role in where he can go to college. I’m not saying anyone should be getting all worked up about exactly which program at exactly which school. But for a goal oriented kid, seeing the connection between what he does now and what he wants later can be a powerful motivator.
If you can teach him organizational skills in a way that helps him and that he can hear, that’s great. If that doesn’t work out, and it may not for several possible reasons, here are some alternatives.
In 6th grade my son was losing papers, not turning in homework he’d done, etc, because his binders, backpack and locker were all a disaster. He and I met with his wonderful GC and she gave him a method for organizing his binders etc. I was there so we were all on the same page. He didn’t like what disorganization was doing to his grades, so he was motivated to listen and comply. It worked! Most likely I could have told him the exact same th7ng and it wouldn’t have helped. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, sometimes advice is easier to hear when it doesn’t come from mom or dad.
I have a good friend whose daughter is a senior in high school. Very smart, hard working kid. Great kid. Got into Haverford ED. A disaster at time management and organization. Her mom is really, really good at those things. So good, they’re automatic for her and it’s hard for her to break things down to give her daughter useful advice. Daughter is now working with a person who specializes in helping kids with executive functioning issues and it’s helping. It’s early days, but it really seems to be helping. I’m not trying to spend your money, but executive functioning is often an issue for ADHD kids and you may ultimately want to get professional help. I just want to make sure you know that such people are out there.
I would suggest you find ways to deal with the problem now, rather than wait until the last minute with an 18 year old who may crash in college. Plenty of ADD kids master organizational techniques, and I bet your son can, too. Good luck.
One of my kids was extremely bright (IQ in the brilliant range) but with a learning disability as well, and she was “the Pigpen of paper” (dubbed by one of her middle school teachers). Her organization skills resembled an octopus falling out of a tree. After a couple of years of fighting about it, it became clear that it was the disability causing the issue. So… I helped her stay organized for the rest of middle school, and a good part of high school. Around junior year of HS she started getting some traction (some, we are not talking miracles here!), and wobbled off to college on her own. She intentionally picked a college with rigorous academics, but also strong supports for students, and succeeded there. Ironically, she is now a physicist, and in her PhD lab she says she is the most organized person - which she assures me is not saying much, but apparently the profession has more than it’s fair share of people who aren’t good at keeping track of stuff, so even a slim amount of organization goes a long ways. (Her color coded binder on the article research he asked her to do was a big hit with the PI last week, apparently ).
I am sure there are parents who would roll their eyes at the supports I provided for middle school and HS for my kid while her brain grew a bit more and she started to build skills in this later than other kids. But my theory is that everyone has areas that they need to grow in. You wouldn’t toss a kid into math class without helping them build the skills as they go along, and some kids need remedial/slower math classes. I just figured my kid needed remedial/slower organization skill building (and I can’t remember ever needing to help her with math homework, while I helped her sister every. single. night. of middle and high school with math). Especially given how bright she was, it just didn’t feel right to me to let her fail her classes and drop out of the honors track because she had a disability that affected her organization.
I think you want to be as clear as possible on his full diagnosis and issues (could be more than ADHD going on). And of course there could be other things going on that aren’t disability related. But… maybe he is just organizationally challenged, and while he is ready intellectually for higher academics (my kid was thirsty for it), he is getting in his own way and can’t help it.
Agree with everyone who suggested following up with your neuropsych. There are a lot of things a smart kid can compensate for – until they can’t. If he’s hit a wall, it’d sure help to know about it before both of you are hopelessly frustrated.
The other thought is about meds… I was warned that a switch from brand name (ie Concerta) to a generic, although it shouldn’t make a difference, sometimes does, and that difference may manifest itself in depression, for example. Just a thought.
Wishing you luck. There’s no worry like worry about your kid.
First of all, puberty is hell. As a father of boys, I know for a fact that hormones completely fry boys’ circuit boards between about 12-14 years old. So I’d be careful jumping on too many diagnoses, until the main diagnosis (puberty) passes. The “cure” for all those other diagnoses may be far worse and last much longer than the disease (again, puberty).
Second, I know this is complete blasphemy to post on CC, but as a white-collar person from a very long line of blue-collar construction workers, I have to say - not everyone is meant to excel (or keep excelling) academically. I definitely advocate a thorough evaluation of you child. But if there’s no trigger (like bullying) and he’s not showing signs of clinical depression, losing interest in school doesn’t mean that he’s broken. I came from a place and remember a time when everyone wasn’t expected to go to college and that was OK. Most of those that didn’t go to college weren’t broken, dumb, or needing fixed in any way. Some of the most intelligent and happy people I know only have a high school degree. And I know plenty of people who went to college after a few or many years in the workforce and then pursued entirely new careers. In fact, one of them I call “Mom”.
My son (in the GT program) was diagnosed with ADD and medicated starting in 6th grade, and it made a difference. However, in high school, that pesky executive functioning disorder took over. He’d ace his quizzes and tests, but not hand in or even complete papers and projects. He would meet with his guidance counselor once a week starting junior year (when we finally realized it wasn’t laziness or not caring) and she helped him break down assignments.
He’s now a junior in college and majoring in finance, and doing great. Oh, and another thing that helped was staying busy. Having too much free time was not a good for him.
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