Hi, I’m a junior in high school, but my mom is set on renting an apartment near whatever college I eventually go to so we can live together. Most of the colleges I want to apply to require freshmen to live on campus, and even though that greatly upsets my mom, she’s okay with moving to wherever I am in sophomore year. Now, I love my mom dearly and we are EXTREMELY close, but I really want to experience the college feel that everyone else gets to have-- becoming independent, making new friends, trying out new things, etc. My mom is also very overprotective (I can’t walk to the mailbox on my own, even in broad daylight!) so I feel like I would constantly be sheltered.
I could go to ANY college and she would not have a problem moving there, because she works from home and makes enough money that the housing market wouldn’t matter. I still want to live in the same state as her so I can visit every other weekend or something, but even then she believes that if she’s not there to protect me, I could get harmed.
Also, in our culture (very tight-knit families), most children go to colleges right next to their parents so they can stay at home and commute. In their eyes, my cousins who abide by this are “perfect children” and my mom expects me to do the same; she genuinely feels betrayed and hurt that I want to live two hours away! And this is excluding the possibility that my younger brother might not go to the same college as me. How will she move in with both of us?
I don’t know what to do… I don’t want to leave my loving, caring mom all by herself, and I understand her fear about my safety, but I also want to experience college at its full potential.
Honestly, you need to have a serious talk with your mom about this. College is a time to grow into adulthood, and you can’t really do that if you’re still being coddled with your mom. You might have to make some concessions (call every night, come home on the weekends), but make it clear that you want and need freedom. I’m sure that after a couple months your mom will get used to you living away. If you can, try and get some of your friends’ parents to talk to her and explain your side, sometimes parents listen better when it comes from adults. 2 hours isn’t that long a drive if she desperately needs to see you, but freedom is important.
izrk02, thank you for the advice. I’ll try to slowly ease her into the idea, but she’s been pretty stubborn about this topic for a while haha. I guess I’ll have to see in a few months!
Remind your mom of the old expression, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships were built for.” Tell her you love her, but it’s time for you to grow and test your wings.
aunt bea, at first it seems like that would be the case, but she’ll still be living with my younger brother while I’m off at college so she wouldn’t be completely alone. Plus she lived by herself from age 19 to her late twenties, which is kinda ironic because she was already so independent when she was around my age but thinks I am not ready for that lol!
Bring your brother into it if you can. What’s his perspective? Does he really want to move and possibly change schools? Ask him to advocate for not moving.
@izrk02 My brother agrees with me that we should live one or two hours away but still live independently, but when he tried to join the discussion between my mom and I, she just waved away his argument, saying that we “don’t really care about her” and wishes our cousins were her children instead…
@crookennui gosh, what a position to put you in. Maybe you could ask your mom about what she fears will happen to you if you live alone at college and then the 2 of you could come up with how you would handle those situations if they were to occur. Have her be involved in the college search and visits and maybe talk to the security departments at the college campuses so she can see that you will be safe. Do you have a job now or do you do any extracurricular activities? How does she handle you being out with friends? I am sure everything she is feeling is based on love and it sounds like she will really miss having you at home. Acknowledge that her fear of you leaving is normal and that you will always love and honor her even if you are living away from her. However I am willing to bet that once you spend your first year on campus she will adjust and this will not be an issue after that. Good luck, it sounds like you’re a great person who is mature enough to realize you need some freedom but respectful enough to consider your Moms feelings and for that you should be commended.
You can agree with your mom that Junior you is not ready for that level of independence- but College Sophomore (19?) you could - and should!- be, and that the time to discuss it is then. Then put it away. This is not a fight you can win now- and you don’t need to, as no actual decisions will be taken for nearly 2.5 years.
Agree with everyone that you should cross that bridge when you come to it. Your mom has agreed that you get to live freshman year on campus, so that’s what you’ll do.
You can hope that by then, she will have got over her fears, but if not, you will be older, more independent and much more prepared to take up that fight.
If you engage now, all she will do is silence you and your brother with emotional blackmail.
So, don’t engage. Smile and nod, check whether you can find an instate school you like that does happen to require more than one year on campus, slyly encourage your brother to pick a college that is within a few hours out the other way from where you live now, focus on school and applications and hope for the best.
The question about your financial situation is important, because knowing how dependent you are on your mother financially makes a difference in how much she can determine the next four years of your life. The more independent you are in financing your studies, using your own savings, earnings, and merit aid, the earlier you get to say “I love you, but I will not do as you say”.
You need to go to the college you would be happy at that is the farthest away from home (can’t come home every other weekend) and requires students to live on campus all four years.
You are very kind but you need a chance to be your own person.
Don’t go home every other weekend. That’s not going to help you enjoy college life. I’m extremely close to my daughter who goes to college five hours away. If anything, your relationship with your mom is going to suffer because she is going to stifle your natural desire to meet people and become independent. Not sure what colleges you’re looking at, but you might want to consider applying to some that require four years on campus, which are typically LAC’s.
Your time frame is luckily generous enough that you have time to help your mom understand that millions of kids move to college every year and nothing bad happens to them. The best thing that’s happened to both of my kids is that they’ve gone to college too far away to make visiting every weekend unpractical. I can’t unexpectedly drop by, which is good for them and for me.
Your mom is being unreasonable and it’s going to be hard to make her see that. I suggest you rethink your college list. Your desire to grow up has to outweigh her desire to keep you close. Your relationship is going to suffer because she’s not letting you grow. You sound mature, so I suggest you teach yourself to fly and let her deal with it in her own way. Yes, she will be unhappy, but she will get over it. She has to.
I see that OP mentioned that tight knit families are a cultural norm for her family. I think this aspect needs to be addressed.
How does a young high school female break out of a cultural norm?
Also, where is the father?
I know a parent who withheld all college financial support, even though she had the funds. How far can this student push her mom and still get funds for colkege?
