<p>I thought I would handle this better than I am. My daughter, our oldest, left for school this past week. She has a nice roommate, she is excited, been going away for years on her own for summers, etc. Yesterday, however, was her 18th birthday, and she asked me (I did put myself on a 24 hour no contact rule, but did text her on her second day), how she was going to celebrate it? It broke my heart, and I’m someone who others considered tough…</p>
<p>So, I made some lame suggestions telling her it would be find, that she would find what to do, send some ecards in the morning, and lo and behold, didnt’ hear from her all day. Finally late in the evening I texted her, and she was at the movies with a friend.</p>
<p>Turned out ok, but I can’t wait for classes to start for her on Monday…</p>
<p>OP here - Silversaline- you are wise beyond your years! Thank you so much for your sincere, heartfelt wisdom. I will take your advice and lay off all phone calls, opting to send a few texts instead. </p>
<p>The thing I worry about is she is not a terribly social girl and doesn’t party at all. The day before she left, she was on the college’s FB looking for other kids that don’t drink. BUT>…I will attempt to be strong and let her find her way to me. </p>
<p>Felixnot- if you want to talk, just email me! It def. helps to hear others are going through it too. I am determined to get through today without crying! Good luck:)</p>
<p>Thanks NY Mom. I’m hoping having gotten through the birthday, and classes starting she will find her group of friends and get down to work. She is attending a big university, in a city, (she’s a very urban kid), and there’s a ton to do.</p>
<p>She did ask me for our health insurance information so she could sign up for club sports, so I’m encouraged. </p>
<p>oldfort – My younger D will call the house phone. God forbid I don’t run across the house fast enough to get it (I usually have to find it first, hidden among sofa cushions or something.) Then, while I am trying to call her back, I can’t beep through because she is busy calling my cell phone which I can hear ringing in my purse at the other end of the house. Then she calls my other D to ask if SHE knows where Mom is – all while I am trying to beep through!
It’s not like she hasn’t lived here all her life. She knows I get to the phone one second AFTER voicemail picks up but that I will call her right back.</p>
<p>dbwes - that is funny. I could never find my phone(s) also.</p>
<p>After we moved to our new place few months ago, while we were trying to get our phones worked out, D1 had a hard time reaching us (3 tries). She said to me in a very adult voice, “I am not very comfortable about not be able to reach you sometimes. What if there is an emergency.”(emergency - “Mom, could I use your credit card to buy this dress.”) Nice to see the table is turned sometimes.</p>
<p>Hi ladies,
I come from all sisters and have two girls myself. The “mama ache” is so compounded right now between the grandmother, aunts and me. I get calls from someone everyday wanting an update and then advice not to overwhelm our DD. But honestly, I’m trying to manage with her initiating very quick calls. When the timing has been right, we’ve Skyped four times (yes, I know exactly how many times in 2 weeks!) and sent three long emails. She’s already received her first care package and I’m working on the second. Too much?! Some days the ache is worse than on other days. So, I guess I’m getting better.</p>
<p>D has been gone two weeks. I am trying to let her initiate contact. She has called twice, both times in the middle of the day while I was at work. Dad was a little miffed that she hasn’t called him - but he is in town visiting her this weekend while attending a family funeral, so he gets the “in person” update. I have texted her a couple times, just to say hi or tell her something funny. She responds. So…I guess we are establishing a pattern. I feel like I’m going through withdrawl - every day gets a little bit easier. But now I am just left alone with H and a very uncommunicative 15 yr old son - house is very quiet! I miss the chatter.</p>
<p>OP,
Oh I sympathize with you! My daughter left for school a month ago and it is so painful to be without her. She is the independent type so I know she does not want to be pestered with phonecalls or emails. So far I have only called twice to see how she is doing (She is never going to call me unless she needs money!) And to top it off, our elderly kitty that we got for our daughter 13 years ago, passed away 2 weeks after she left. So I have been crying buckets of tears.</p>
<p>But, I am trying to get busy and remember the life I had before children. Since she left, my H and I have been camping and hiking. I am enrolling in a math class and an Arabic class. I am finally doing yardwork that I have postponed for years. And I am surfing the animal rescue websites looking for a new kitty or doggy!</p>
<p>My D has now been gone for 3 weeks. Before she left, I asked her what she wanted contact to look like when she was away. She was a little nonplussed & asked what WE wanted. I explained to her that she was in the driving seat with this as she was entering adulthood. She thought about it and decided on 2 phone calls a week; I said that was fine but that I’d like her to make contact with someone in the family (DH, D2 or myself) once a day via FB chat, FB post, text message, etc. just so we knew all was well. We’re a pretty texty family; we often send each other stupid picture messages just because ;)</p>
<p>It’s worked out well. Although Wednesday she sent us a late night text apologizing for not calling because it had been a hectic day (it’s her heavy class day plus it was Get on Board day at her school so she’d been visiting tons of tables etc.) DH & I weren’t expecting a call on any given day, but apparently she thought that Sunday/Wednesday were the designated call days. Nope. </p>
<p>I’ve been leaving the contact up to her. I’ve avoided starting chatting with her on FB unless I really have something to tell her. </p>
<p>It does get better. I think moms spend so much time doing for others that it’s hard to figure out what to do once you have some breathing room. I have started doing for me this week & I have to say it feels good. I know that my D is settled & having a good time, and now I can try & remember what I like to do.</p>
<p>We dropped #1D (2013) off a week ago. She’s working orientation this week, so is keeping busy. She’s called a few times, chats a bit, then off to do whatever is next on her schedule.
I don’t see restricting her from calling as a positive thing. That said, we typically don’t call her, we may send an occasional text, but we let her set the tone. Sometimes she’ll call two times in one day (make the rounds - home, cell, work, Dad, sis - where ARE you guys???), sometimes once a week. We do send cards or notes and the occasional box of goodies.</p>
<p>It was good for all of us to remember that our lives did go on. We didn’t sit around waiting for contact. The first time she came home she was astounded that there were some changes. Apparently it was ok for her to change, but not us! She got turned around in a hurry!</p>
<p>We made a deal with our kids…we paid for the cell phone…they called us once a week at their convenience!! We didn’t initiate the calls unless there was something we REALLY needed to get answered or say in a timely fashion. Our weekly phone calls have continued even after college graduation (one kiddo didn’t live here for a while). It was a nice surprise when they call. As Oldfort said…<em>we</em> need to be available all the time…</p>
<p>Just get on with your own life. They moved on, you should too. Take on new activity, discover hobby, take class, go to concert/mjuseum on a weekly basis, and do not forget to exercise couple hours every day. yes, it is easier when you work. Job becomes major entertainment, since mostly everything else is boring after certain age. They call when they need you. And when they call just to let you know how they are doing, it is a nice bonus, take it as such.</p>
<p>Oh, dear OP. You have already talked to her once today. Do not call again. How about calling a girlfriend, your mom, sister, etc?
I do sympathize with how you are feeling. Odessagirl was a Freshman last year. It is just so strange not to know who her friends are, if she is getting to bed early enough, eating well, getting to classes, etc. But you know what? Mine learned how to do it all -without me, even! - an your daughter will learn, also.
One thing that really helped us last year (DD is an only child) is that hubby and I got very busy with projects around the house. So we had something to do in the evenings when she first left that hole in our hearts and home and at the kitchen table. Then we eventually joined to YMCA together and really enjoyed going 3/4 times each week with each other. Hubby and I formed a new, tighter, relationship with each other as a result of spending more time together. And it is really nice. :)</p>
<p>It definitely gets better but I don’t think it ever goes away. My D is just starting her senior year and I think in all this time (she was not home this summer, either) I have initiated a call maybe 5 times at most. And I think she only answered maybe two or three of those because she was either busy or in the shower or something else. I am HOPING the reason she didn’t answer was not because she didn’t want to talk to me… We have always been very close too, and I just have always felt that I didn’t have any real clue at all what she was doing at that very minute. No way to know. So I would much rather her call me. That way I know she has at least a minute to talk to me, it’s on her terms and time, and I will always be available to her. I am a teacher, she knows my schedule, and even if she calls in the middle of the day I will answer her call (my students love it when I do!). Please try to resist. The potential for it to hurt worse and cause more worry if she doesn’t answer is really great.</p>
<p>I rarely call D. If I need to talk with her ASAP, I will send her a text and ask her to call me when she can talk.</p>
<p>If I have something short to tell her and it is not urgent I will wait until she text me and reply to her text with my info or question.</p>
<p>If I need to discuss something in detail (like airline tickets) but not urgent I will send her a text asking her to check her email and call me when she has time to talk and discuss.</p>
<p>oldforts post # 13, LOL is right on the money. :)</p>
<p>Click on the link, and scroll down a little and you will find the universal truth…</p>
<p>I was able to stumble onto something accidentally that helped immensely. We both love House (and Lost ) and when she would see I was online, she would skype chat with me during the show. Worked so well. </p>
<p>Wait for her to call. I think they are embarrassed when they are with friends and mommy calls - even if they like talking to you.</p>
<p>One thing that I don’t think has been mentioned: snail mail.</p>
<p>I clip an occasional comic strip, newspaper or magazine article to mail. Fun stuff, articles of interest - and I can even occasionally nag without saying a word, as evidenced by an article I found on the importance of thank you notes. I wait until I have a few collected and then send them off. (I’m not a writer, so seldom include anything in the envelope other than the clippings.) No pressure on the part of the recipient and an easy way to let someone know they’ve been in your thoughts. I usually mail something off to one or more of my kids at least once a week. All have mentioned the fun of having something in the mailbox and - in my opinion, something that has no return expectation on their part makes it all the more enjoyable. </p>
<p>Like another poster mentioned - care packages make me and the kids happy. :)</p>
<p>Soph year. . .D left Sat. and drove (8hrs) back to school. I asked her to call me halfway and when she arrived. She didn’t chat when she got there, it was just “I’m HERE! Movin’ stuff in, gotta go. Bye!”
Then. . .I completely FORGOT about her! I didn’t even think about her for days. Wed. she called me. What a shock. My first thought was–“What’s wrong?” She just wanted to tell me they got moved in, room set up, how the first day of class was going.
After I hung up, I thought–“How odd. . .she actually wanted to talk to ME. For no reason.” Wow. I think I’ll wait for her to call me again.</p>
<p>After D’s launch (air travel, alone) Saturday, we talked several times as she had layovers, etc. Most were calls from her to let me know how it was going, as pre-arranged. Texts and one brief call from her Sunday, which was move-in day. Honestly can’t remember Monday, I was under the weather, but I think it was texts and maybe one call for a specific reason, not just to chat. Tuesday texts only. Yesterday, several texts and then she asked permission to buy several things not in the budget…I texted that it would cost her a phone call! We had a nice chat last night, which we probably would have had anyway. She also friended me on Facebook a couple of days ago. I feel in the loop, but not overly so. Probably no more calls until the weekend, when we plan our first Skype call, if I can figure it out. I think we are doing pretty well because normally we talk/text all the time. I have tried to keep it very light and positive and last night I even was the one to end the call when conversation lagged…</p>
I wait until I have a few collected and then send them off. (I’m not a writer, so seldom include anything in the envelope other than the clippings.) No pressure on the part of the recipient and an easy way to let someone know they’ve been in your thoughts. I usually mail something off to one or more of my kids at least once a week. All have mentioned the fun of having something in the mailbox and - in my opinion, something that has no return expectation on their part makes it all the more enjoyable. </p>