<p>Not that I am ready to kick her out of the house, but if my D acts like this in college I have a problem with it. Might as well commute to school. To me college is about growing, learning and detaching from parents. Overcoming adversity on your own only builds independence. In some cases mobile phone family plans aren't helping.</p>
<p>It is my hope that we will be calling our D for status more than the other way around. And that she doesn't ask to move back in when she graduates....</p>
<p>we have cell phones too- but we most often communicate by email. I get a check in every week if I am lucky- and sometimes when I call her on the weekends she even answers! ( the reception in the labs isn't good)
Different kids have different personalities and it is really hard to say what is "normal".
I know in my own family- one girl who attended college across the country called her mother every day. She also had great difficulty connecting with students at her college. I don't think it was cause and effect- the college wasn't the sort of school that I think was the best fit for someone, who even before she went off to school, seemed depressed and withdrawn. Now that she has graduated, she has moved back home, and while she finally has gotten a temporary job, seems unable to move into her own life.</p>
<p>However I am rereading A Tribe apart
<a href="http://www.powells.com/biblio/17-034543594x-1%5B/url%5D">http://www.powells.com/biblio/17-034543594x-1</a> because of concerns I have about my younger daughter and her peers, and I am reminded that helicopter parents actually seem much less common than parents who are forced to by choice or circumstance to allow their children to raise themselves.
This is much more of a pressing concern for our community and our country. I think stories like that of the parents who talk to their daughter everyday distract us from noticing that another generation of children is reaching adult hood without a lot of( appropriate) parental/adult influence
Just read the posts on the board of teens who parents allow them and their friends to get drunk- and other wise behave inappropriately</p>
<p>I hear from my son by phone on only two occasions:</p>
<ol>
<li>He needs money</li>
<li>He's walking from his house to campus and he's bored.</li>
</ol>
<p>tsdad,
Well, you got us beat. We have a family cell plan, too, and we only hear from S when he needs money! :)</p>
<p>Well, I must be the helicopter, because I hear from my daughter almost everyday by E-mail or AIM, she only calls once a week or every other week.
The E-mails are usually begun by me, and 75% have a specific topic - like what to send in a box, and so forth. If I'm online in the evenings she will often IM me, but I don't even have an IM name registered with AIM, so if I'm not on AOL, she can't find me. She AIMs her brother and Dad periodically, too.
I don't feel that I'm hovering too much, most of the interactions are begun by her, and a lot of them are clothes related - she had to buy an entire winter wardrobe this fall, and she's still learning what is useful, and what others wear.</p>
<p>Maybe I think of it differently because we are a family that hates to talk on the phone, all of us. When she calls, usually on Sunday afternoon, we pass the phone around and have this stilted conversation, then hang-up, get online and type out what we meant to say - if we had lived on the 18th century, we would have left behind this incredibly detailed correspondence outlining our entire daily life.</p>
<p>She seems to have a much busier, happier social life than high school, so I don't think we are holding her back. I know many, many families whose kids maybe went away 2-3 hours to college, then moved back to marry someone from the area - that closeness has good points, too as well as bad. I think the key is the amount of interference, and what areas are off-limits for butting in.</p>
<p>
Oooohh! How's that been? As you know I have the same worries you have or had. Have had. Heard you have had. Have you had a herd? ........ I'm tied in a knot. (I hope you have your Illiterate to English dictionary handy.)</p>
<p>I read the beginning of the article to my daughter, a high school junior, who is home sick today. Her response--I love you, Dad, but that would never happe." Nor would I want it to. College is a time for maturing, becoming independant and developing academically and socially, and situations like the ones described in the article do not foster that development.</p>
<p>My daughter, the aspiring sportswriter, went on to say that she could see calling quite a bit during a particular game to discuss key plays or situations. I didn't know whether to feel all warm and fuzzy, or somewhat terrified by the chip off the old block monster I've created.</p>
<p>When I was in college I called my parents every Sunday night...just to check in. I didn't ask or want feedback from them on anything, and they didn't offer any to me. I'd like to think that it would be the same way when my kids go off to college. Time to cut the cord.</p>
<p>Well, I agree with EK about the different personalities. My oldest loves the phone. We usually get a quick call on Sundays. "Call me back!" (It's cheaper for us to call there.) He talks for an hour, and when we hang up, my H or D wants to know what he said, and I don't know! Little stuff, friendly chit chat. He is out of school, employed, living with a couple roommates, has an active social life. Just touches base once in awhile. I'm happy with the once a week call, wondering how long it will last.</p>
<p>He seldom emails. If he does, it's usually a forwarded link to an article he liked or something. Today is H's birthday. We did get an email from S. In the subject line, it said, "Happy birthday, Dad." In the body of the email it said, in it's entirety, "See subject line."</p>
<p>Second S usually sends a nice newsy email every week or 10 days. If we try to call him, we have to leave a couple voice mails first, then finally reach him, but he's usually too busy to talk, and impatient (but trying not to show it) to hang up.</p>
<p>I do think that it is a fine line a parent has to walk -- knowing when to be there, and when to back off.</p>
<p>We do hear from our D about once a day, when she comes out of her room for supper. :)</p>
<p>edit: cross-posted with dke -- yes, you described our oldest son's contact.</p>
<p>When my D (at the time between Soph and Jr years) went to Georgetown for three weeks, she called often, um, put money in account, omg I jsut bought the CUTEST sweater, guess who I saw today on the Capital, and um, more money palleeze</p>
<p>I did ask that she call when she met the group at the airport in DC, and if she had any problems</p>
<p>I can understand wanting to talk, but 5 times a day? That can actually hurt in getting socially comfortable in college...if you confide in mommy all the time, you don't need friends to talk to</p>
<p>I do hover a bit with my Frosh, something about 14 year old brains, they forget stuff- they NEVER call</p>
<p>cangel
I can totally relate to prefering email
I am visual and I can't necessarily get out what my point is on the phone- I can come off harsher than I mean- and fill silences with idiotic comments.
I can talk for an hour to a friend about nothing, but for instance really feel like I am sticking my foot in my mouth when I talk to Ds teacher on the phone( D2 highschool student- I have never called D1s profs- although when she flunked ochem I did email him for suggestions- he was very helpful and he called back- very helpful)
- I can't read their body language, so I might as well send an email instead and at least see my words before they do.
It also can be hard to communicate by phone- because on the rare times when my D does call me, I am often in the middle of something, ( hmm perhaps she plans it that way?)
However- like when she was ill and I didn't know- I would have been able to tell if I had been talking to her by phone- on email it is easier to hide that.</p>
<p>It is hard to know what is appropriate for another family though- I think we just have to listen to our kids-My D is home for winter break- but this will be the last time. She probably wont be here for spring break cause she will be finishing up her thesis and she doesn't plan on moving back once she graduates. She will still come and visit and we will visit her, but I can understand people like even my sister- who isn't able to encourage her daughter to move out, even though it probably would be better for everyone.
( I don't agree with it- but I understand it)</p>
<p>Kids are so very different
take my younger D.
Anxiety, Depression- general gritchiness part of her general personality ( really since birth- she didn't even want to be held)
Afraid to walk around the block by herself - w the dog, until recently
Afraid to go in the basement
But she started snowboarding in 6th gd
First plane ride was with high school trip in 8th gd to Hawaii ( I didn't go :( )
Went surfing- snorkling- also went to DC/NYC in 8th gd ( again I didnt go) had a great time
is obsessed with going to Australia- her favorite current book is How to stay alive in Australia. Wants to study sharks.
Since she is now in 10th gd- even though she is planning at least one gap year, I am filing away in my brain ideas for college.
I want her to go where she wants- but I want to make sure that that safety net is there- thinking about her in Australia and me in Seattle is driving me crazy.</p>
<p>Curmudgeon - don't worry about the social, I think this is another one of those "fit" things, if they feel like they have made a good choice, then they are primed for success. Some of my friend's kids who are not as happy seem to fall in one of 2 groups - high school social butterflies, and/or didn't quite think it through. My DD had little social life in HS, I think she has recreated herself once she got to college - not that it is all a bed of roses, but better. She's always had a number of guy friends, now she has a female friend (hers moved away in 10th grade, and it was just too late to truly replace them), that helps a lot.
Not sure how college athletics fits into that, I would think that an athlete who didn't click social wise with the team might have problems, because of the large time commitments - can't really speak to that.</p>
<p>the 5 times a day is what bothered me, too, CGM, it seems somehow too intrusive. DH is my love and best friend, but I think he would check both of us into the funny farm if I called 5 times a day!</p>
<p>My S calls for a variety of reasons, often late at night to discuss something he just read or to share something funny when his pals are not around, or when in transit, waiting for a bus, etc. Email is frequent as well as IM'ing. Our conversations are typically about an extension of something he has been thinking about that was stimulated by a class or a discussion. With rare exceptions, the calls do not involve social or other life issues, although he will say if he is going to a movie with friends, etc. This rarely occurred when he was in HS, I must admit to enjoying these conversations quite a bit. (I called "Mom" at least once a week when I went off to school, and continued that practice until she died.)</p>
<p>Every family is different and every child is different so I'm hesitant to criticize any sort of arrangement which works for them. I disagree that when they go off to college, it's time to 'cut the cord'. Relationships with your kids evolve but it's never a good idea to 'cut', especially in a situation where it's likely that everything is new to them and they may actually need an open line of communication more than they did in high school. I'm not a proponent of the throwing them in and letting them sink or swim. ;)</p>
<p>I have three of my Ds in college now and I hear from each of them in different ways and with different frequency. Funnily enough, the most independent of the three (by a LONG shot!) is the one who usually calls me daily. I don't think anyone who knows me would call me a helicopter parent, in the least. We have always had good lines of communication with all of our 4 Ds and we've been fortunate enough to continue that as each enters college. Now, if any of them called me 3 or 4 times a day on a regular basis, I might start to be concerned, but as they say, different strokes for different folks. :)</p>
<p>I think its a mistake to confuse easy communication due to modern technology with "helicoptering" or over-dependence -- those are two different issues. My kids are extremely independent -- I have a hard time keeping track of my daughter and she is still living at home, it isn't unusual for me to go several weeks without hearing directly from my son. But when the technology is there or available, its often used.</p>
<p>When my son was in college there would be frequent, short IM's if he happened to be online at the same time as I was. Over trivial stuff. Sometimes he'd challenge me to an online game -- we were regulars at various game & puzzle sites. </p>
<p>When my daugher was living overseas for a foreign exchange - at age 16 - there were some days when I might have 14 text messages from her... and then I could go a week without hearing from her. </p>
<p>Some of the frequent contact is actually part of a greater degree of independence -- the cell phone creates a very long leash for teenagers still living at home. By the time they get to college, they may be in the habit of being very independent, but also of calling the parents frequently. I think these days we pretty much all have calling plans that allow unlimited calling among family members. </p>
<p>I do think that some parents are far too involved in their kids lives -- and some kids are far too dependent on their parents.... but the cell phone, email, and instant messaging isn't a reliable indicator.</p>
<p>I mean, look how many times every day we board regulars communicate with each other... and most of us have never even met.</p>
<p>My daughter is a college junior and has been away since junior year of high school. Wild Child has been away for almost 5 years now. None of this was how I expected the high school years to be, but we adjusted. I talk to my kids almost every day on IM- very briefly. My daughter likes to share information, my son does not. If he actually CALLS me, I panic. We've had a lot of contact this fall due to the college process and my helping him manage the medical care for a knee injury. My daughter is now complaining that we don't come down to Rice to see her often enough. The last three years she didn't want to take time out of her social life to deal with us on the weekends, except for when we came to see her in a performance. Now she sees us as not-so-bad adult companions, which is kind of nice. The problem I have is that I like to have INFORMATION. I am not a helicoptor parent, but I like to know something about my son's life at his school. I don't want to just be The Bank. While he is in high school, I feel like I am entitled to some of this information. When he starts college, as long as he gets decent grades and stays out of serious trouble, I believe I am entitled to much less information.</p>
<p>My dad is 60 and he still phones his mother every day or two. </p>
<p>I think it really depends on if the child has thier own identity or not. They could truely be doing thier own thing and be independent but still just want to say hi to the parents who are working hard each day to fund thier education.</p>
<p>However, i realise i am far to dependent on my parents. Its due to past health issues and it drives me crazy. I was more independent at 15 than i was at 21. They do tend to worry about me (too much) as i am prone to sudden fainting or getting disorientated so i call them from time to time asking them to come and save me. Now i am stronger so i am moving overseas for a semester to try and force myself to stand on my own two feet (even when i cant stand up). I shall see how this experiment goes haha. Its good to know im not the only kid out there who relies on their folks a little too much.</p>
<p>If I was helicoptering, my dd would quickly find a rope to pull me down.</p>
<p>While I have been very critical of helicopter parents on CC, I agree with calmom that frequent communication with our progeny does not necessarily constitute helicoptering. That is merely having a close relationship with your children in most instances.</p>
<p>However a some points the lines can become blurry. Suggesting that they go to the Writing Center to improve that first college essay is just fine. Offering to proof-read it for them is a big fat Chanook(?) example.</p>